Looking Back and Moving Forward

I have just spent the last hour reading my posts and comments to those thoughts from about a year ago from when I first started blogging and the lead up and on to when I first started treatment.

It was a bit of an eye opener to say the least.

Even I can say I have come a long way since then but reading those posts as well as the comments and reliving the support I received has me reflecting on the that journey and what I have learnt since then. I opened up in more ways then I ever thought possible. So much for being private and secretive. lol.

I re-lived a lot of painful memories through treatment with nothing else to do but reflect on my past present and future. I put all my feelings and memories out there for all to see and that is how they stand, still to this day. Its weird I do remember writing some of the posts but others have come as a bit of a shock.

Not in a bad way I am just shocked at myself and what I have shared things I never thought I could or would.

I don’t regret one post; I really don’t regret sharing anything at all. It has been a healing process that I myself didn’t even know I needed but when I look back it really worked for me. The thing that struck me the most was what I have gained through all of this, the release of pent up emotions and also the people that I have met.

I am truly touched by the support I have had and I am seemingly lost for words to describe how much everyone means to me and how this blog has opened me up to trust and care more about strangers and the new people who come into my life than I would of before.

My new found friends and the ones that have started this journey with me and continue on with me has given me a peace in my heart that I am truly grateful for.

I feel free to be me and not always put on a happy face. I have left behind so much guilt and shame now, I feel free to express myself more openly with a smile and a wink then I did before and to say no when I need to.

Peace and Light XXX

Just Enjoying

Well so much has been happening, with no time to get on the computer as often as I thought. I have been feeling really well and just seem to be on the go constantly with so many things needing to be done. Having the girls headed back to school our new friend Simon living with us.
I am washing cooking cleaning dropping off picking up and feeling needed again with the ability to do what I do best and that's take care of my family and friends.
I am in my element right now with few or no restrictions due to my health and keeping busy keeps my mind off test results and helps me to return to some normality. It seems so long since I have had direction and focus on other things other then the way I have been feeling health wise. Its nice to wake up and not feel completely weighed down with muscle aches, headaches no energy to raise my head from the pillow and simply wanting to throw up.
I am appreciating and savouring every day enjoying the smallest of things and really just relishing in our balmy hot days and loving the air conditioning in our bedroom lol The girls have been great and so happy to be home enjoying the company and random jokes of our newest ring in and adopted family member. Simon is a funny guy at 6ft4 tall and just as wide, a big man with a kind heart and great sense of humour.
Its good for Bam Bam as well they both train together and its good for him to have a another male around as we girls tend to be a little much for just one guy all the time giggle. Kyle will be back home again in a week, working security with the boys all going well. He has broken up with his girl of nearly two years and I am hoping by working and training up here he will find the direction he is after with out the emotional struggles he has had with his relationship in the last year or so. My kids love deeply and he has struggled with the break down of his relationship. He is a one person kind of guy he doesn't want to play the field and he doesn't believe in casual relationships unlike a lot of boys or men his age, he has respect for women and doesn't enter into casual flings. Danicka is the same a lot of her friends have been pregnant had abortions and some have 1 or more kids and they are not 21 yet. She has only had two relationships both long term, being single again she is focusing on her chosen career as a dental nurse and has just registered for her certificate 3 course at UNI part time while working full time. I am very proud of my kids and the way respect themselves and others. It gives me hope that I have done something right.
Well last night was a big night for my girlfriends and I we headed out and into Noosa we had a great night Aleesha and I kicked on after the other girls left at midnight. We were the oldest in the club but were treated like queens by the staff and of course the security. It was nice to feel welcomed and also very well protected by the boys who we joked around with all night, getting numerous stares from the young Hotties in the club at the service we were provided with. It was a really good night out. The last for a long time as the holidays are over and detoxing and gym will be taking priority over big nights out, we didn't go to bed until 5am but well worth it I can tell you and due to the rule of what happens on a girls night out stays on the girls night I have to keep the details confidential but I will say that Tania (miss naughty) will thank me later lol. I am so tempted to give you a blow by blow report but instead lets just say we created a stir but we were also reasonably well behaved and that is all I am saying, my lips are sealed
Profound words of wisdom fail me at the moment I am just feeling very low key and enjoying the pace in which my life is being directed for me enjoying the flow and being in the mix of normality again.

Peace and Health XXXX

l

Calling all Prayers

Its been busy here.................As I have said my Bella is due to have her puppies in a week and the girls have only been home a week. Kyle is moving back home and I have one of Ben's workmates who has just started living with us. Visitors coming and going and getting ready to send the girls back to school. I had my second blood test yesterday and go to the specialist on the 6th. So things are hectic but I feel pretty started at the gym for cardio and Simon set up the weights in the shed for us all to train with which is great. So in saying all that I have missed calls that I have not yet returned emails that i just haven't got a chance to read or respond to and I am still trying to retrain my sleeping patterns from going to sleep at 4am and getting up at lunch time too not matter what time I go to bed getting up at 8am which is still not great but its a start. I am naturally nocturnal I can go 2 or more days without sleep the sun comes up and I can sleep like a baby the sun goes down and I tend to get a second wind, Ping my eyes adjust and that's the end of me and no I don't drink blood lol. The sleeping tablets do not work anymore and it is extremely frustrating.

So back to return phone calls: A life long friend of mine Neace who's first born is my God Daughter rang me this morning just as I got up at 8 I have had a few missed calls over the last 2 weeks and 2 since Tuesday. Life being busy I have not yet had a chance to return those calls, one of the reasons for that is I usually have to set aside at least an hour for when we do talk as we can reallllly talk she did not tell the girls it was important so I didnt rush.
But we finally caught each other Neacey being the person she is asked all about the girls Kyle Ben and then me also everything that's been going on and listened contently and always interested responding as normal. I finally said okay enough of us whats been going on out there (she live 2 hours away near my mum) There was silence I asked again babe whats going on I hear a quiver in her voice that made me go cold and break into a sweat of anticipation. She has had a bad year or two suffering viral encephalitis, the murder and trial of her cousin and the loss of her dad who's was the funeral in which I delivered the eulogy, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Out of a family of 5 kids they chose me as I have been a ring in to the family since I was eleven years old.
She said Oh shaz its been a bad week I could feel her choke up she said I don't know how to tell you whats been going on. I was anxious to say the least and wanted her to just spit it out, I could tell how hard it was for her so I just got up and started pacing trying to be patient. She was crying now and kept saying I just cant get that picture out of my head, she just kept saying my name as if starting the sentence over and over. I told her take a deep breath that it was okay and tried to help her talk by prompting her with names is Baily and Ethan ok (her sons) is Thera okay? is Al okay (husband) are Keeley and charlie may ok (her grand kids and my god daughters children. She said yes yes yes and the she started to cry at the name of charlie may.
My heart skipped a beat but I didn't push i allowed her to take her time gently asking her to start from the beginning. She proceeded to tell me that on Tuesday Thera and the girls came over to visit and Thera was doing her hair (hairdresser by trade) and they had just finished when neacey was in the bathroom and Thera her a thump come from the other room. She rushed in as Charlie May has just started walking so she went to see if she had tripped over there was no crying but as a mum you check all noises. She walked out yelling to Neace mum shes holding her breath. neace stopped what she was doing and said just pat her she may have given her self a fright she'll be okay. A minute passed and she still hadn't taken a breath Neacey took over (she does not deal well, she is a very emotional person) so when she tried everything and still no breathing she told Thera to ring ooo and get an ambulance Thera was screaming neace was crying and started CPR The minutes tick by as her 8 month old granddaughter turned more blue with no heart beat. She continued as she cried trying to breath life into her eldest daughters youngest child. She felt her as she described her youngest grand daughters soul slip from her lifeless body. She continued CPR while crying praying all the time aware of Thera sitting beside her on the floor begging God and her mum not to let her baby die. She didn't give up she just kept going, it has been 20 years since she did a first aid course and wasn't even sure if what she was doing was right. Charlie was limp her big blue eyes wide open, her little lips Blue but she kept going. Finally a a faint heart beat she still wasn't sure if she was breathing it had been at least 10 mins then the ambulance arrived. They immediately bagged her and she went slowly from blue to an opaque white. They rushed her to the hospital where she remained for 2 days. She is okay she is alive thanks to her brave Nana but she has a heart problem they do not know why she stopped breathing what actually happened nor if it will happen again. She has no marks or bruises they don't know if she fell from the bed or just fell over if she stopped breathing before or after, they are in the dark. This news has floored me my friend has floored me.
She didn't want to call and say it was an emergency and worry me.
WHAT????? I just cant believe it I feel so bad, I am also so proud of her and told her to never keep me out of the loop again I am never that damn busy for important things. She continued to tell me she knew I would of dropped everything and went straight out there that's why she didn't say until it was okay. That's why she just said when you get a chance call me she didnt want me to worry. I cant believe it took me this long to call back I am beating myself up for not being there for her I am not making this about me just trying to show the care my friend has in everyone else but it is killing me that I didnt call. She is not coping she is going to see a counselor today she can not get the image of her grand baby laying lifeless on her kitchen floor. The feeling of helplessness has over whelmed her. She is ringing Thera 8 or more times a day in a panic. I can only imagine what she is feeling right now. I went through a similar thing nearly loosing Kyle but this is different and Neacey is different, she is super sensitive and plays things over and over again in her mind and finds it hard to get control when she is overwhelmed with fear.
How do you comfort a friend over the phone whos life has been turned upside down, she is traumatised at what has happened and can't accept that she has saved her grand daughters life all she sees when she closes her eyes is the life drain out of her little face.

I ask that you pray for her and her family send them strength, Peace and Health.
I cant write any more i am going out there next week to be with her but I am terribly concerned.

Peace and Health xxx

Fun night and rude people........

Its a quiet night Tayla Olivia (Taylas bestie from Brisbane) Ayesha and I (oh and Bella our dog who by the way is due to have pups on the 31st) just hanging doing the girl thing like we do every holidays. No ear piercing tonight but eyelash tinting and chick flicks. Last night I took them into Noosa we walked along the beach window shopped and had gelatis watching the tourists checking out the cute guys and putting money into the hat for a busker on singing and playing his guitar.

Tomorrow I am going to gym for the first time in nearly 4years it is so going to hurt but I really need to get back to me and its a good start the cleansing starts then as well. I really need to make a start without thinking about what my test results will be. I have decided that if it didn't work then so be it and I am more prepared this time then I was before. I know what to expect and I really believe if it did happen I would deal with it a lot better. Now don't get me wrong I feel great and I also think I am cured so I am not worried but I needed to make a decision.

Now to a completely different subject.
Rude People In business especially retail I was always told and taught be courteous and supposedly the customer is always right. I know that's not always the case but seriously I have never struck a woman like i did the other day. I am very mellow these days I don't burr up easily and if anything I get a little walked on but this just blew my mind. There was Lyndell (Mrs naughty) Tania (Miss naughty) and of course me. We went to noosa and lyndell and I went into a clothes shop and she proceeded to try on about 6/7 items of clothing. No problem so far it was a normal shopping experience. Well from then things took a little turn in a different direction.................L got dressed and tried on some shoes that I passed her from beside the dressing room with the curtain open and then passed them back as they were uncomfortable. Just as she was to pick up the clothes she tried on and by the way she was going to purchase most of them and I had one item in my hand for me. The sales assistant who clearly was having a bad day walked up and said in a stern voice what is going on here ? Before we could reply she stormed past L and then it started she picked up the remainder of the clothes off the floor including the ones to be purchased and started her rant huffing and puffing she said this is why we have hooks why have you got these clothes on the floor blah blah blah?
Okay we said, as she started to walk away she turned and said what are you buying? I told her she was just deciding before you came in. This is in a small but open store and there were more customers in the shop, L and I looked at each other in disbelief and thought we would just let it go UNTILL as she walked towards the desk and new customers she was still going on about it saying How would you like it if I came into your house and threw your things all over the floor? as she said that you could see the other customers discomfort. I was thinking enough already but didn't realise the words came out in a little louder than normal voice.
Then it started she proceeded to yell at us call us morons she said something about thoroughbreds and then something about mongrel dogs having more manners. WELL that was it I told her I had never seen anything like the show she was putting on and to call us rude was ridiculous. Then as we decided to leave with out our clothes throwing them on the counter Tania had walked in because she heard me raise my voice and got excited over the drama as it unfolded UNTILL it took a turn for the worse and as we were walking out I heard this witch of a woman call us stupid bitches and she was ordering us out of her store.
I stopped at the stupid bitches comment.......Who in the hell did she think she was and as I stood there trying to control my anger Tania grabbed my arm and said don't worry lets go.
PFFtttt your kidding I stood there shaking and I couldn't help it all I could get out was really loudly was I SHOULD KNOCK HER HEAD OFF HER F*%#EN SHOULDERS I started to shake and my fists were clenched I was about to loose it when the girls said come on lets go they were scared of what may unfold. I stood just outside for a minute trying to compose myself my stomach was in knots and I had a twitch in my temple I wanted to hurt this woman and rather badly at this point. We walked as I tried to understand what the hell just happened and why I didn't kill this woman, it is beyond my comprehension to what her problem was and I believe with all my heart that if Tania had of said f**k her it would of been on but I think were all in a little shock and this woman really doesn't know how close she came to being planted on her ass.

Okay we had put some of the clothes on the floor but we were buying most of them, okay there were hooks yes 1 broken and maybe we should of used them but holy shit she went way to far.

Now I am not a vengeful woman but I think a little shake up for her maybe required and I will keep you informed as to the next chapter. I usually conclude with Peace and Health but just thinking about it doesn't make me feel peaceful so tonight its just..................................

God Bless

A Mummas Request................

Well how hard is it to get one good photo once a year.

We are not all together often so I thought I would take the opportunity to do the right thing for the Relatives and get one nice picture to send them all, you know the ones we do, blown up a little and in a nice frame.

How hard can it be the kids are older now just sit them down with a nice background get them all to smile on cue, easy right?
WRONG it was a nightmare that had me in fits of laughter while being infuriated by the difficulty of this so called simple task.
I know you don't want photos guys but I just need one its not for you its for your Nana's and your dad.

First mistake was me saying Shit when I stepped in some dog poo second mistake was pleading with them to all smile at the same time and ignore the smell.

That was too much for Tayla.

Tayla couldn't get over the dog poo thing

Danicka thought she was going to fall backwards and there may be more poo!
Kyle tried to flip the hammock casually and making it look like he was innocent.
Then pulled a face when I lost it and said thank god for digital cameras.
This is his........... It wasn't me Look
Kyle and me arguing and Danicka has had enough.So we scrapped the hammock and this was the last one I was able to get before they all walked off leaving me to clean my thong of dog poo. And for those of you in the states no not undies my flip flops, even though I did have the shits.

Danickas folded arms shows her impatience but at least she smiled.

Well I am feeling pretty good, my headaches are slowing down and life is going pretty smoothly as far as my health is concerned.My second lot of bloods will be done next week and back to the specialist on the 6th of Feb.

I am joining the gym on Monday and will slowly try to rebuild my poor body. I have been cleansing but not intensely. That too will start on Monday so I will be stronger then ever very soon and looking forward to it.

Peace and Health All XXX

Im Back...........

Well I have my computer back and its about time. It has been way to long and it was so nice just to browse and read as I sit in my favourite chair and catch up on every ones happenings and thoughts.
So much has happened over the last few weeks and I don't even know where to begin.
The girls went to Cairns on boxing day for two and a half weeks. They only see there dad once a year (his choice) and it was a nightmare for all of us. He still has a problem with my leaving him it has been more than 8 years and he just cant except that he did any thing to contribute to the breakdown of our 15 year relationship. He is 46 years old now and he hasn't grown at all. I don't care that he has a problem with me i can handle it i have broad shoulders but to treat my kids like shit is totally unacceptable so began 2 weeks of tears and tantrums. The tears were from my babies and the tantrums from him. You would think that if you only seen them once a year you would make the most of the time you have.................but no that would be to easy. he ran me down which my girls will not stand for especially Tayla she is a little like me, you can pick on her but don't pick on the ones we love. So she was constantly in trouble Ayesha is just not used to having to defend herself or me at every step. I do not speak ill of him to them so it was quite disturbing for them to hear the things they did especially when most of it was lies. They are really good girls and deserved better than they got. Hence they wont be going back next year by there choice and he seems unperturbed by that.It just goes to show that i made the right choices for all of us concerned so many years ago. I wont go into the gory details of when I nearly flew to Cairns to get them and in the process let loose on their Father because it just makes me angry and I wont allow him to do that to me any more.That being said it is so wonderful to have them home. I have just missed them dearly and find that I feel sorry for him for not seeing what wonderful kids we have. He should be proud of them but he lets his bitterness for me get in the way of any enjoyment he could have with them.
I will over the next few days go over whats been happening in the time they were away and get back into the swing of things.
I am just so glad to be back and writing sharing and off loading.

Peace and Health To You All xxx

2008

Well my dearest friends it is 2008.

A year for hope-health –peace and prosperity.
2008 being here so quickly gave me little time to contemplate what my future holds for this year,
My positive side is dancing in anticipation of a year that could hold great things for my family and I, also that of who are my nearest and dearest.
On the 31st of December marked Ben and I having our first New Years apart from each other, all though we have quiet ones celebrating with friends we have always spent it together no matter what,
This year started off very differently my babe had to work doing security and I was going to go in and see him just before midnight to kiss in the year with my baby and then go home alone to wait for his shift to finish. As usual the best layer plans go astray. I ended up down the coast with my best mate Peter. It was one he intended spending alone; this would be his first new years with out his mum. I just didn’t want that so when I called and he said he just wanted to stay at home by himself.
I kind of figured he needed me and in a way I needed him too. His mums passing has had a great affect on our lives and I wanted to be there if he needed me and he was ecstatic and things have been going pretty well health wise. My girls are with their dad in Cairns, Danicka and Kyle had plans with friends and that’s fine but I could feel that this was a big one for him, so I forfeited my ritualistic kiss with my baby to spend that time with my oldest and dearest friend and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. We sang we laughed we cried we even went to the amusement park and rode the “zipper” our all time favorite ride from when we were 9.

We had a blast. Even though the dawn came far too quickly with a New Year beginning he was the perfect person for me to do that with, Its hard to let go of people you love when they go and it has only been a few months since Kath, his mums passing.

I am glad I was there for him because it was a tough one.

Now for me I still have no computer “I know it’s been way to damn long and I am starting to get a little peeved to put it rather nicely. It’s near impossible to visit everyone and just as hard to get some words out, I have more bloods in a week or so then find out results early February. That will be the second of 3 and if that’s clear then my last test will be in April.
Now I truly believe I am cured but I still have that side to me that makes me need to consider my options if hypothetically I am not.
You know it doesn’t scare me if it hasn’t but Ben doesn’t want to discuss it because he wants to be positive, and that’s great but I would like to cover all bases and have a game plan if things don’t turn out just as we expected.
Now the question I ask first is should I just leave it and wait and see, totally put it out of my mind OR do I consider all my options now so if god forbid it doesn’t come back negative I have a back up plan worked out so that by not being cured I know what I would do.

This seems logical all though my choices are few I would like to make them now and not while I am under stress trying to choose a decision.
Doctors Choice is 1. straight back on treatment for another year that’s it no questions no stopping and no collecting $200 while passing go. It would be my best chance from his point of view.
MY CHOICES are a unlimited take a year off then try again;, don’t try again and lets go natural blah blah what to do. Liver biopsy will be a start and then we will see but I like options, even though I am indecisive I don’t like only having one choice and to be honest it was tough and I don’t know how my family would go if I had to do another year, Hypothetically my friends what would you do?:?????????