Dare To Dream

Blessed

2011-08-26T23:06:00.000+10:00

Tonight I'm feeling Blessed, I have so much to be thankful for it makes all the other stuff trivial.
I have been lucky Enough to have loved and been loved by 2 men, 2 very different men the first I met when I was only 15 and yes that was young and everyone told me I was too young I didn't know what real love was and I can say unequivocally knowing what I do now that they were wrong. I did love him and I loved him with all my heart but in saying that forever wasn't meant to be he wasn't the man I was meant to be with for the rest of my life but he was the man who was meant to be the father of my 4 amazing children that I know because each and everyone of my babies were meant to be here with me as their mumma and I couldn't of achieved that with out him. I don't need to go into details of the way we grew apart or the problems we endured. I can actually now take responsibility for my part in its failure to endure the test of time. I can own up to my mistakes and as much as I would of changed a lot of things that happened I wouldn't change the part were we went our separate ways. I could of done things differently probably better but it was what it was at the time and I cant live with regret just acceptance of what and how things are.
Now the reason I know we were never meant to be together forever is because the second Love of my life completes me he has given me the acceptance and Love that I have always wanted we have an honest open and passionate relationship that is set to endure the many test put upon us. He is what I always dreamed about when you picture that perfect partner.
Now he is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but seriously who in the hell is. I am most certainly not I pushed prodded and tested his patience his love and his loyalty.
My problem in the beginning was that I never thought I deserved to be loved in such a way.
He made me believe different.
I never thought that I could trust someone with my most inner and deepest secrets.
He made me believe different
I never thought I could totally be myself without the pretence or worry of being judged.
He made me believe different.
I always thought that the things that happened to me in my past must of somehow someway been my fault.
He made me believe different.
I always thought that I had to be the tower of strength for everyone as there was no one else.
He made me believe different.
I always thought that I had to settle for a life alone as punishment for not being good enough.
He made me believe different.

But tonight and every night from the moment I met him I thank God and I am so very grateful for everything he has made me believe different.

Thank you my Love xx

Confusion is a Prelude to Clarity

2011-08-25T19:10:00.003+10:00

The key to winning any argument is in the details its the small things in every persons point that can either put u at the head of the race or have u slinking away muttering to yourself that your right anyway blah blah blah.
I believe, to win an argument successfully without a shadow of a doubt is to know the facts (inside and out) You need to be able to recall every detail about the point your putting across and you need to believe right or wrong that you are right. If you don't, why argue? Whats the point?
It doesn't hurt to back off and agree or agree to disagree which may sometimes be the case.
I don't believe in arguing unless you know you can win or if you know your right, seriously if your all ready wrong you don't want to be proven wrong and be made to look like an idiot.
I am pretty sure I have a point in saying all of this all though that is exactly what eludes me these days "A Point" I will start a conversation and forget half way through what I was talking about.
I will ramble, trip over my words and sigh at all the thoughts that escape my now confused mind.

Oh yeh my point.......... Could you imagine how hard it is to argue even when you know your right if you cant remeber the point of the argument or conversation.
The scary part is I used to be a very good at arguing ;) or holding my own in aconversation.
I actually used to be pretty prolific in a lot of areas and in a range of things business, useless facts, medical issues and so on if I didnt know I would find out.

The problem that I have at the moment is that my thoughts are like a cloud in a breeze, its there you can see it and then within minutes its shifted, changed and sometimes it just disappears completely.

To say I don't know my own mind at the moment is an understatement the one thing I thought I could count on was being able to remember how to do things recall facts figures and memories all of these things at the moment elude me I second guess most of everything I do and say.

Its depressing its frustrating and it is at times extremely scary.
I cant even write any more my words a just a jumbled mess of nothing.

It makes me angry, I am the epitome of the cranky old lady but not with people I don't know or with the people I work with but with those who know me intimately, those that I love desperately its always those closest to me and I'm sorry for that. I sometimes even know that I'm doing it but other times I just feel lost I seriously don't remember the conversation that they said I had.
I don't remember saying yes to the question that has apparently been discussed and I don't remember them telling me about the things that they assure me we have spoken about.
I feel like I'm back in Treatment, Im questioning my own reality.
I sometimes feel that I am not me at all the one I know to be me anyway. I just feel like I am living a different existence to the one that is supposed to be my life and I don't know what to do about it.
I question myself constantly, is there something happening to me that I cant explain or is there a reason for it, is there actually something happening to my mind or is it just stress and I need a break from the pressures that I tend to put my self under.
The answer to all of that is I just don't know and I hate not knowing.
Is it possible to find out or am I destined to drift in this state of confusion and the fight that I seem to be having only with myself. All I have at the moment are questions and very few answers.

During the treatment that I had I was aware that a lot of people don't cope well with the mind fuk of it all I was warned that any one with previous depression issues should not by any means consider this treatment. Statistically I was told that 2% of people try to or achieve suicide whilst doing that treatment. I was told that I would be monitored closely and that they would treat any discrepancies in my normal happy nature with more drugs and if required or at worst Treatment would have to cease.
To give you an idea of where my head was back then I will direct you to this post now I have re-read a few of my posts from back then, some I remember, some....... well not so clearly but my doctor always assured me that I would get my mind back I would once again know what I was talking about or arguing about.
He assured me my mind would once again be my own it would be just as it was before given time.

WELL its been time its been lots a time and my mind is not my own my memories aren't the same as they once were my kids discuss times in there lives that I used to be able to share with them.

I cant do that anymore at times I cant even have a decent argument even if I know that I'm right.

I am actually a little lost hence my purge here, the place I used to find comfort when I felt like this.
Sadly............I dont feel any better

I really really dont like it and Im at a loss to Why?

Im Back

2011-08-24T09:32:00.014+10:00

Im home from work, Im sick and Im tired so where do I go when I feel like shit alone and no where else to turn?

Honey I'm "HOME"

I'm all cosy and warm in my bed but it’s more than the electric blanket that is giving me comfort today its being here and writing again.

Now, I'm not a writer a poet or an artist but I do know that writing became important to me; it was my comfort food and my best friend at times.

It was with me when I was at my lowest it was with me through Birthdays, Weddings and happiness. Lots of highs and lots of lows here there has been some rambling and purging laughter and tears.
Treatment was hard it was really hard and it was long and it was draining, then he got stabbed, we got married and well so much has happened since then it’s been a long time for me to need this again or admit I need this or admit I miss this and that I love it.

My last Post was a letter written by Ish about Ben it was read in court at that woman's sentencing, which was a joke in itself but we have to move on so here we are.

Below is where I left things this time 2 years ago strange for me to read but necessary to start fresh again.

Today is significant as well, it’s been 29 years since my Dad passed and it feels surreal to even say that number. Shit its a lifetime ago but I remember it so vividly as if it were just last week, that maybe one of the reasons my facade is crumbling lately that’s probably why I felt the need to come back this is my place of comfort my very own special place where ever I may be physically this is where I am emotionally in between the lines on this page.
There are many pieces of me here many sides and many not so secret secrets I smile as I feel safe here. That's kind of hard to explain how do I feel safe in a page of words? To be honest I have no idea I'm hardly the philosopher but I am ME and I love that I can be ME "HERE"

Comfort food..........................I don’t expect or need people to eat with me but...........
I’m at my own dinner party with all my favourite foods and that’s OK because I can eat what ever I want here as much or as little as I choose.

I can snack on all the different little sweet and sour treats.

I missed here and I’m glad I'm back eating again.

My miracle Dad

2009-08-18T21:45:00.003+10:00

I had to share, life has been tough since Ben was stabbed and I am in the process of writing an impact statement for court as she will be sentenced next Monday. Ayesha wrote on that she wanted the judge to read and it sums things up better than I ever could.

My name is Ayesha I am 14 years old and this is my statement.
As I heard my mum from her room crying and stumbling around trying to find the car keys I walked into her room I was shocked when she told me “Ben has been stabbed but go back to sleep it will all be okay ill come get you soon”. I had no idea what she was talking about as I was still half asleep and at that time she was not quiet straight with what she was saying either as she was in such distress, I went back to my bed with a million thoughts running through my head trying to figure out just what she meant by the last thing she had told me before she ran quickly to the car and drove away. At 4am being woken up by a person you had only met once was quiet confusing but I knew he was going to take us to the hospital and he said to us that Ben was in hospital and mum was already there, when we got to the hospital the room was filled with all the security boys. It was something I will never forget walking into a room of gigantic guys all crying as they waited to see if there treasured mate would make it. As we walked up to the waiting room mum was in, she was pacing back and forth outside the huge green coloured doors where I knew Ben was, as mum locked her crying eyes on ours she ran to us hugging us tightly saying she wasn’t sure yet but we are all praying for him to pull through. It felt like forever waiting for our dad to come back to us, then finally the massive green doors swung open and there he was, a man that so many people were counting on to make it, a father figure to me and someone that had helped so many people in the toughest of times but now no one there could do a thing for him but pray and wait. He was wheeled out on a big white bed, so still and looking all of a sudden very fragile, everyone waiting was so very grateful for the miracle that the surgeon had just completed, bringing back someone that had always been there for me and my family. The times we visited him in the hospital were usually very short as he would drift in and out of sleep, but every moment I spent with him from then on was valued. Seeing him with all those tubes down his throat, needles in his hands and a 20cm cut down his stomach will be stuck in mind forever, and it will be looked upon and remembered as the day my dad almost died. When he came back home with us although we knew he was safe and going to be okay, still not all of him was there and still isn’t today. When we go somewhere as a family we always have to think if Ben will be comfortable doing that. Going to the beach together cannot be enjoyed as it used to be as he is very self conscious of his scar and does not like people looking at it or asking about it. Going to the shopping center changed as well as if it is too crowded we have to leave as Ben gets fidgety and uncomfortable. Although I am forever thankful of his return to us I just wish he was the same Ben we used to wake up to every morning before the 18th May 2008.

Ayesha Madden

2009-01-28T09:53:00.005+10:00

You have to Love Australia we went back to where I lived for 15 years Cairns........ In North Queensland I love and miss this place a lot. We stayed in Cairns then up to Port Douglas and on to Cape Tribulation in the Daintree it was awesome to share the beauty of thes places with Ben.

Well its been a while and I don't know what to say life is busy and complicated. We are waiting for the sentencing of the woman who tried to murder Ben and I just cant seem to get things on track.

We went on our honeymoon and it was peaceful. I wish I could escape and be a permanent backpacker but instead I am in the market for a job. It has been a long time and the pressures that present themselves in achieving this are a little daunting.

I am well and the fibromyalgia is for most part being kind to me but stress is a huge trigger.My motivation for anything at the moment is not where i hoped it would be but i am sure things will eventually fall into place. I hope all is well with you all and I hope to reconnect with you all soon.

By the way I am going to be a grandmother :)Danicka is nearly 4 months pregnant and we are overjoyed at the prospect. Ben is going to be a Poppy before he is a dad but he is totally excited.

My Wedding Day

2008-10-01T17:29:00.004+10:00

Kyle walking me in. You have no idea how surreal this moment was for me my son giving me away was very special.

Trouble comes in 3's hear no see no speak no evil lol

Our first Kiss................

Signing the certificate

We stayed in Noosa an extra couple of days and I have just gotten Home so I thought I would quickly put up a few pics for you all to see. It was aBeautiful day and we had such a great night I ahave so many wonderful memories of this day it will stay with me forever.

Will fill you in on the events of the day soon xxx

2008-09-25T22:35:00.003+10:00

Hey guys just a quick Hi.
Its late again with only 2 sleeps to go and I am tired damn its hard work getting married when the wedding party comprises of all your kids and one other guy who is Ben's mate and I may as well be his mother too lol.
I am so damn busy and in so much pain with my back I could scream. My excitement is turning into fatigue and I am a little over it all to be honest.
I am not the most organised person in the world but I try. So much is going on I am loosing it.
I still am a lot brain foggy and a little concerned its been a long time since treatment and my head is not quite back to normal but we will see once all the stress dies down (if it ever does)
I need a bit of a whinge so don't think I am not OK I am but I am just tired and nervous.
Ben's mum and dad are great but they cant do what I cant remember LOL They are really trying to take the load off and I adore them for that but WoW its just crazy the last minute stuff.
Kim is trying so hard to make it all easier and make it all about me I feel really loved she is one of my bestest friends and she is going to be my mum in law I am an extremely blessed woman.

Anyway still lots to do, I wont be back until Monday so Love you all and have a great weekend I know I will and when I return I will be a MRS OHhhh sounds good HUH?

4 days Holly Shit.............

2008-09-23T00:06:00.005+10:00

Danicka and her boyfriend Lewis
Me ofcourse between two of my favourite fellas my brother Danny and of course my soon to be Hubby!!!!
The Birthday girl and I. (hate that shes taller lol)

4 more days and its all happening.

I cant sleep its after midnight and I am wide awake I cant believe its all happening i just a few days but it is and there are so many little things left to do but I have decided what doesn't get done wasn't important enough and I don't care. That's my excuse for not really being organised and I am stickin to it.

Just a note to say I haven't backed out yet lol and we are keeping it together so just a quick Hi

and I will be back just before we leave to go to the Hotel on Ben's birthday Friday night.

He gets it good who can forget their anniversary the day after your Birthday.

Ok this is my SONG to dance to as my first dance with Ben (just for you Dana ;) Its a bit soppy but hey I love the words.

And I am getting married after all so there has to be a little sop I reckon ;)

10 days and counting............

2008-09-16T22:41:00.003+10:00

OK guys 10 days till the big day on the 27th of September and I am still running around like a headless chook.
Things are falling into place and I am kind of organised I think, I have lost 15 kgs and now fit comfortably back into a ten and I feel great. Things have just been so full on between my mum and her house, the wedding, kids, life and the sentencing of that woman who stabbed Ben I dont have time to scratch myself.

I hate to admit it but i am so damn nervous I can hardly stand it. Everyone is talking about it and there calling the event of the year which is sweet but it really has put me under some pressure. The numbers have blown out big time. There will be over a 100 people there now and I feel like crawling into a hole and coming out when its all over but of course I cant do that and once its all over I am sure I will be disappointed that I haven't embraced all of this with a calmer presence and out look.
Things are great other than that, I am in love healthy and about to marry my bestest friend in the whole world before God and all of my friends and family.
What more could a girl want.

Its funny now that I put it like that I feel like I am worrying about nothing but hey I heard the rumours and I am not alone in being nervous so that's a good thing.

I will really try and get back to you all before the wedding because its as if I am sharing with all my favourite people that cant make it to my big day but you all feel so close to me that I do actually feel better than I did before I got on here so yes I will be back soon...............

Peace and Health my distant Friends I miss You All xx

2008-09-03T09:40:00.001+10:00

I did it I have bought my dress it is very simple but I like it. I am so not a dress girl, I am a jeans and pants kinda kid so the search has been hard. I have to go the the dress maker for a few minor adjustments and then I am good to go.We have the girls dresses and they are very sweet the boys are dressed and everything is nearly done minus a few details but I am pretty sure I have it under control.3 weeks to go and I am getting really nervous but one step at a time Dana turns 21 on Sunday and well that kinda makes me feel old and the fact that I am going to wearing a wedding dress for the first time not long after still feels a little strange but its all very exciting. Just a short note again as I am off to the gym and it is poring with rain but I am hoping to visit soon.

2008-08-27T21:51:00.002+10:00

Well I seem to be running around in circles not knowing what to do first.
I so want to visit and reconnect but its 10 pm and and I am smashed this is the first time I have sat all day. The good news is I have lost 12kgs in the last 6 weeks and so I may even look OK in that elusive wedding dress in a months time lol
I still haven't found the dress I really thought that would be easy but because I am loosing weight and because I am so busy trying to do everything else I have sort of been putting it off.
I have to decide in the next few days or I will be wearing jeans and thongs lol
The girls are done Ben is done the venue set invites out hairdresser booked photographer and video. But the Bride has not yet found her dress. Its funny because when I am asked about it people are appalled that this hasn't been done yet and quite frankly I am now getting a little scared also.
The thing is, between trying still to organise the money for my mums house, impact statements for the police organising Danas move to a new place kids and school work and all the bla blah of everyday shit I haven't really had time to scratch my bum let alone choose a dress.
We have one car between 3 of us at the moment every piece of machinery at our place 3 cars bobcat and truck have all died in the last month and we are barely scraping by until the loan comes through and everything is "just" being paid all though each bill is well and truly behind I am working our budget like a pro.
Now I know everyone does it tough but I am only one person and I am struggling to do everything, I am feeling flustered and stressed but in the same breath I know everything will be okay Ben is alive I am cured and life goes on.
I still wake in the middle of the night and feel for him beside and thank God every hour of every day that I am not alone and we are a family blessed with all that we need.

My only mission over the next few days is to find a dress that will be worn on the day of my marriage to a man whom without, my life would not be complete.
I am going to try and post every couple of days even if its only short as I am only 4 weeks away and counting.

So guys, wish me luck !!!!!!!!!

2008-08-21T19:19:00.000+10:00

I always seem to find the words when I am away from the computer, as soon as I sit to spill my guts something stops me an almost invisible block of my thoughts.

Life has been strained to say the least, the fact that I am struggling these days seem so meaningless in the big scheme of things.

My Ben is alive my family is Healthy I am cured and there is food on my table, I feel guilty for not being completely and utterly grateful for the blessings in my life.

Maybe I should re-phrase ..... I am grateful, but I am perturbed, I do feel blessed, but with an overwhelming feeling of despair.

The words, the words I need so desperately just wont flow and yet I feel an unrelenting need for release but I just cant find those damn words. Where the hell are they?

They seem to be lost in a pit of murky water, just as the water begins to clear and the sediment settles another thing just stirs the mud to the surface and I have to start all over again.

So a very wise and wonderful woman said to me start off small with just one thought and push publish, so that's what I am doing writing this thought and then pushing PUBLISH........

2008-07-07T21:59:00.001+10:00

Hey guys thanks for your concerns I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. We have been doing it tough lately we are all very traumatised by what has happened and that makes for a very tense house. We are not laughing or smiling nearly enough these days. All though we are blessed to have Ben be OK the repercussions of all of this are draining both physically mentally and financially. We are trying to stay positive and are busy planning the wedding we are definitely on the count down now and I think I left things a little late but we will get there we are determined to have a great day. I had no idea getting married was so tough. There is so much to do and I am a little daunted. When I got married at 17 we went to the courthouse 1 hour later I was a Mrs and a wife and that was that. This time there is so much planning and things to do I am floundering a little. I have to say though its the only exciting thing we have to look forward to and we are trying to enjoy the journey rather then have it be a chore. With my computer being out of action I haven’t been able to enjoy being on line as much or seeing what’s been going on with you all it is such a hassle on B’s computer but I want to start coming back a little more regularly maybe once a week while we are on the count down 11 weeks will fly by so quickly.
I hope you are all well as I miss you heaps so until I can get to you all I send you love and hugs and you are all in my prayers daily XXXX

Mercy Me - I Can Only Imagine

2008-06-06T21:25:00.003+10:00

2008-06-01T09:13:00.005+10:00

Hi guys, Ben is home...... He is feeling a little better everyday. Things are different now our house is a little quieter our priorities a little different and our outlook on life and our love is stronger.

This is a very different experience to what we have faced with our many trials and tribulations with my own health. This was sudden and totally out of our control and left in Gods hands to bring us through the other side. I have watched the footage more then once and went to the office and found more footage relevant to the case for the police. I couldn't help but do something as it would of been too late by the time they got around to retrieving it. It automatically wipes after 13 days and we already missed some so it is lucky I took some initiative. Its a long drawn out time at themoment his healing is a gradual process both physically and mentally. He is such a trooper and well on the road to recovery.

My computer is F#*#ed and so Its hard getting to do much of anything, my mum had a scare the other day and was rushed to Hospital but is home now and feeling a little better, It seems to be one thing after the other with us at the moment and keeping sain is proving to be a difficult task but we are getting there slowly.

Life goes on as they say but ours will never be the same again and maybe that's a good thing or not only time will tell.

Just wanted to pop in and Thank you for your support and I hope to get things back to normal soon.

Peace and Health my Friends and Lots of Love xxx

2008-05-22T21:11:00.009+10:00

This was only a week ago we were happy smiling and loving each other.

BUT TONIGHT
My heart is breaking; my life has been turned upside down by one senseless act of a man hating woman on a mission to kill. I have had maybe 4 hours sleep since Saturday night and it is showing. The cracks are starting to appear my body is giving way my mind won’t shut down and my heart is beating so fast I feel as though people can see it protruding from my chest.

Today Ben is a lot better, yesterday we thought he may have to have more surgery but all is going well and that seems not to be the case. I left him today for a few hours,while he was asleep, it was just after lunch and I drove to the office were I witnessed first hand the security footage of the man I love more then life its self be stabbed in the chest by a complete stranger who wanted someone dead as pay back for what I am presuming to be all the pain in her pathetic useless life.
I watched this woman receive conversation, time and respect right before she shoved a 6 inch serrated steak knife into my Ben's chest. He was unsuspecting of the motives of this woman and the look of shock and dismay on his face will forever haunt me.

In saying this he remained calm composed and lucid, he told his friend to grab this woman as she walked away smiling while Ben instructed him that she had just stabbed him. He then steadied himself took his radio from his belt called a code red and asked for an Ambulance informing another guard he had been stabbed, he then proceeded to put his radio back on his belt and started to walk towards the guards who were frantically running to his aid and trying to keep the crowds away.

I am amazed at his calmness and so proud of his strength. I watched it over and over and over again. It was so quick and there seemingly was no threat from this woman until she did it. The knife was in her hand and her hand in her bag as she approached him. She was ready but so calm in her actions. He didn’t stand a chance there was no warning and no indication of her intentions. It is still so raw, so surreal and so frightening to think that this one person could have taken him from us in no less then the blink of an eye with no reason or provocation.
The boys have been amazing, there level of support endless and I will be forever grateful for his true mates as they surely saved his life.

It’s my first night home to actually sleep as I need to stay strong for the days and weeks ahead but he guilt of not being by his side is over whelming. My kids are holding their own but there devastation is evident.

I am strong but the feeling of how close I came to never holding him close, never kissing his lips, never hearing his voice, and the vision of that knife in his chest as they wheeled him into emergency makes it hard for me to close my eyes.

How do I do this?

Update 1

2008-05-21T08:01:00.004+10:00

Just a short note to let you know that Ben is OK all though still in a serious condition.
This is my first trip home i haven't slept in 4 days and I am starting to fade.
I will get a few hours sleep now while Ben's parents are up there before I return.
He is still being his cheeky self but she did get him good it was totally crazy she has a screw loose.
Ben had never met her before.
I will fill you in more when he is home.
It will be a long recovery but your prayers and thoughts are helping and also putting my mind at ease and I thank you all so much for that.

As you could imagine the media are ridiculous and the Police by no surprise are assholes and I am devastated at some of the reports but I also know that the people who know us also know better than to believe anything that is said on the news and in the papers.

Keep those candles burning and those prayers coming as he needs all the help he can get.

peace and Health XXXX

Prayers PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-18T16:45:00.002+10:00

I need your Prayers again my Ben has been stabbed at work.

It was touch and go but he is ok.

3 hours of surgery to save his life and I am just in a panic so please pray for my baby.

She is YES she is in custody on attempted murder charges.

I will be on to update when I can.

Peace and Health xx

SPECIALIST DAY.......The tears are Flowing

2008-05-14T19:15:00.003+10:00

Well what do I do ?????????????????????

CRY;SHOUT;KICK SCREAM;LAUGH;DANCE;

Or all of the above. This is the question I ponder tonight. I have a gamut of emotions right now my head is spinning.
This time last year was horrendous to say the least and reading back the tears and emotional memories flood over me like a high tide.This is what I was feeling this time last year.

Edit; I kind of feel like a mushroom at the moment, kept in the dark and surrounded by shit. I cant remember what the "they" say but you get the picture.
My head is heavy with another migraine that I just cant shake and my body is twitching in pain. I am so over being sick today, my chest hurts and my head nearly explodes when I cough.
The infection is in my chest up my nose down my throat on my damn ass and leg, I am already on antibiotics but I am not getting all that much better at the moment. I spent the day in bed sleeping and trying to pray and focus on feeling better. I had a pain in my liver that dropped me to my knees and I am not sure why. (it is gone now)
Is it treatment? is it the drugs that I take to counteract the side effects or is it something else?
I don't run to the doctor willy nilly and I rarely go unless I know whats wrong with me because I don't trust them usually, some are great, others not so good, so I try to be aware of whats going on first.
As far as I can tell this is part of the process, my white cell count is leaving me open to infection and that's what I have. I just don't want to have get to the point where I am in Hospital as I will end up worse. I feel infection is a huge problem in Hospitals even in quarantine so I want to avoid it if possible. I refuse to dose reduce unless its a matter of life and death and it wont come to that so I don't want to sound too over dramatic.
I will not venture out too much except when I have too, coming into winter here brings with it colds and flu's that I cant afford to catch anything.
So much for not having a whinge hey?
Well anyway I wont do it tomorrow. I will fill you in on my trip to Brisbane and talk about whats coming up in the next few weeks as I am pretty busy (so I have to be well)
Peace and Health To All XXXX

So there you have it not a good day back then but today is different.
All of my days lately are just getting bettter and better.
Today I feel good, my skin is glowing and my chest is clear, I have no migraines, my hair is growing, my mind is clearing and I don't cringe when I roll over in bed and I can plan days even weeks in advance.
Now I know that sounds mundane but for me I cherish every little thing I can do and I thank God daily for this.

Well I am getting to the reason why I am writing all of this it is probably because as you know my specialist appointment for my final results was today. Ben and I went to the appointment with little reservation we were sure I was going to be fine and as it turns out my friends I am.

I AM CURED

My friends I am cured, I am so Happy I could bust.

I am just so emotional right now I can hardly breath.

All my Prayers were answered with the big smile on my doctors face and those words that told me that the last 12 months were worth it, all the pain, all the emotions and all the tears were worth it my friends.

I have to say a huge Thankyou for all your encouragment and support you were all so good to me i have been Blessed with so much and I just can't stop smiling or crying for that matter. So my friends that part of my journey is over I have conquered another life threatening illness and I am feeling so grateful for everyday of my new healthy life.

We are Back.................

2008-05-13T21:12:00.009+10:00

Our first night at the hotel just before dinner. I can not wait to make this man officially my husband. We have been through a lot together and have come through it all still loving each other and still laughing. He is a good man with a big heart and I am blessed to have him in my life. We have a special connection through thick and thin.

We got up at 5 am for these pictures of the most gorgeous sunrise.

This sunrise was were we counted our blessings of Love and Life.

This is a great place to do nothing at all

I couldn't wipe the smile off my face the whole time I was away.Ben was just gorgeous we loved our time together.

The Hotel was amazing.
The beach and the weather BEAUTIFUL !!!!!!!!!!

I am Back......................

I had an amazing time it was wonderful...............................

My holiday didn't end there I flew to Yeppoon on the last day to spend my baby sisters 30th birthday with her. All 3 sisters together running a muck I had a blast. The place didnt know what hit them thats for sure. giggle

Check out the tan also the girls were very jealous lol

It certainly looks better then the pale and insipid look I had during treatment.

Tomorrow is D day The last of my test results are in and I find out if I am cured I promise to keep you posted.

Prayers and Blessings to All of you xx

5 Days of Bliss for Ben & I

2008-05-02T18:18:00.009+10:00

I have been Playing with my camera and my number 3. What do you think????

The make-up was a little much in the bottom picture but its a girl thing.

And we had fun which is what its all about.

I am off in 2 sleeps to spend five whole days alone with my Baby.
Ben and I need a break its been nearly 3 years since we have been away ALONE together so it is well overdue. I am jumping out of my skin with excitement.
We are going down to the Gold Coast and staying here at the Sheraton.

It is beautiful and we will have a great time doing nothing and everything and anything we want.
I have actually been saving for a while for this so its luxury and first class all the way.

I am going to take lots of pictures walks along the beach, eat heaps of yummy food and drink cocktails by the pool. I think I have internet down there so if I do I will post pics.

Sounds like a tough gig hey?

So much for saying NO ;)

2008-04-18T20:37:00.005+10:00

Hey guys I am alive and kicking just been very busy only about another month until my last test results. I am not even stressed to be honest I haven’t had time I do think though I have decided not to do treatment again if its required because I just don’t think I could do another 48 weeks of that.
Not with mum struggling and everything else that’s going on its just not a good time and maybe I am just not prepared to put my family through anther year of hell. I am finding it hard to decide if that's a selfish decision or not to be honest, I just don't know. I have changed my mind so often about this subject and the reality will hit home soon enough.
I am feeling really good for the most part though, my back is giving me some grief and a few pesky headaches but other than that all is well its great to be able to make plans clean my house do washing and shopping and all those little things that we take for granted. I am looking forward to looking for a new job in June all though I have no idea what the hell I am going to do. That will come to me eventually.I had Ayesha's friend living here for the last 3/4 weeks just to help out her mum so my resolution of saying no didn’t last long lol. AND I have Ben's youngest sister moving in with us also as she is not liking where she is at the moment so another full house. I have sold all but 3 of the pups all too really good homes so I am really happy about that and the phone calls are still coming.
I am going to spend the night with Mrs Naughty either Sunday or Monday before heading out to mums again it breaks the drive and I miss seeing her now that I don’t live just around the corner. The thing is lately I just don’t have a lot to say I am really just enjoying time with my family. Remembering our conversations driving kids to the beach going to dinner and seeing a movie, all that seems so trivial but it’s a huge deal after not seeing the outside of the house for so long I have really come a long way in the last 12 months. This was me last April and I am just as grateful today as I was then.

Peace and Health to ALL xxx

Never Again

2008-04-09T20:32:00.002+10:00

Well it has been ages since I have been here so to let you all know I am still alive........here I am.My last post left you not knowing what happened with our house guest so I thought I better start with that.
My accommodating nature and kind hearted nature came to an abrupt halt at about 8.30 on a Sunday night. Ben and Kyle both had to work and B was upstairs having a shower and I was taking clothes up when I heard a huge smack and then Kyle swearing at the top of his voice. He was headed up when I came out to see what the hell was going on. I met him at the top of the stairs he looked up at me with a huge bruised eye and red face he proceeded to tell me that our house guest had hit him. WELL as you could imagine this mumma sprung into action pushing past Kyle going down a dozen stairs stepping on only 2. I found our guest sitting on the lounge with his face in his hands shaking his head. Now I am a lot more mature and grounded then I was a few years back, I have fought my demons and I am quite calm by nature BUT I just stood in front of this man all 6ft 5 of him shaking with rage demanding to know what the hell he thought he was doing. It was like a bad movie I pictured myself grabbing a knife and stabbing him in the heart……….now I know this is a brutal thought but I couldn't help it. I have done a lot of growing and sacrificed a lot to give my kids an environment free from violence and pain, so when an invited guest comes into my home and violates my trust and the security of my family I tend to get a little upset. I waited for his reply, it was weak and pathetic. I am sure nothing he could have said would have appeased me but he just said he snapped. Not good enough. I ranted and raved and went ballistic at him but held my composure if only for the safety and emotional health of my family. I told him to get out then went upstairs meeting a bewildered Ben at the top of the stairs I briefly explained what had occurred then sent him down to make sure he was packing. It was pouring rain and I could hardly contain my frustration and anger. I was going to get the axe and smash his car in but that obviously would have only prolonged his departure. I paced the house wanting to break things all the while making sure my girls were upstairs and Kyle had ice on his swollen face. Ben rang his boss and said Ky would be a little late and he would explain later. It got the better of his boss and he rang back concerned by the call. When he was told the problem he was disgusted and aghast at what he heard, Ben proceeded to tell him that if our now evicted guest was ever to work for him again that he would loose him and our boy. His boss said that it would not be a problem; I was pretty impressed by his support and loyalty. Anyway it’s over and I have learnt my lesson in future I will say NO to helping a stranger with no where to stay. I will revert back to being overly cautious about the people I bring into my life. I thought I could relax a little, my guard was down I was starting to be more open and trusting of people. I was trying not to let my past create an unreasonable barrier between me and everyone else. I am so upset by what has happened but I am also glad its all over and he has gone. The thing is I knew he was different and had a few problems but I also thought he had some respect and at least a little self control but this was obviously not the case. So there you have it the good Samaritan has stuffed up again and allowed someone into her life who was a danger to her family.
Never again my friends never ever again.

So thats it for me for now I will be back again very soon. Mum is much the same and neaceys sister is in rehab but in good spirits so other then that all is going reasonably well.

PEACE AND HEALTH TO ALL XXX

Happy Easter Everyone

2008-03-23T18:22:00.007+10:00

Well lets just say from the get go the hits just keep coming. I am tired and my body gave me a wake up call last Wednesday night after I had arrived home after my 3 hour drive and the stress of leaving mum I was feeling a little unwell and had a headache, this turned into a migraine that kept me in bed until Thursday night the type that gives you blurred vision and makes you want to hurl or cut your own throat. Not a lot of fun but I am no worse for wear now.
My girlfriend Neace is having a rough time of it though with her younger sister having had a stroke that same day, she is the same age I was when I had mine, early thirties but sadly hers is much worse. She was diagnosed with Lupus a few years back but the doctors now are thinking she has MS, which to me is just another kick in the guts on top of everything else she has to deal with. Neace is the same person I asked for Prayers for after the dramatic situation with her grand daughter a little while back.Tasha has four kids a 9 year old, a set of twins nearly 3 (I think) and a 1 year old. One of the twins has cerebral palsy and the other a month ago diagnosed with TB. This family just keeps rolling with the punches, it’s devastating the things they have had going on in the last few years my story is a fairy tale in comparison.My prayers are solid for them as they are truly a part of my extended family and have been since I was 12 so I ask that you all think of them when your talking to the big fella upstairs
.
It’s nearly midnight on Easter Sunday and I hope you all have had a great Easter break. I am going to Brisbane tomorrow to see my sis and my nieces she is down from Townsville for a very short visit but I have missed them so much and cant wait to squeeze them all. I am also picking Danicka up she is coming home with me for a few days so all my babies will be under the same roof again and I relish in the thought of that. My children give me strength (even if they shit me sometimes lol) I can’t wait.

We had a nice roast for lunch today and thanked God for the blessings in our lives, there are always people a lot worse off than us and I try to be grateful in the good and the bad because things can always get worse right when you least expect it.

Well my visit is short and sweet and I will get to you soon you know how I hate missing out but my time is limited. Not by too many on the computer this time just by time.

I have a few nasties to get off my chest about our house guest and my throwing him out late one night in the rain to drive where ever the hell he wanted as long as it was as far away from us as possible, but I will tell you about that soon ;) (way to much drama for this post)

I know that’s mean but I have little time for sleep and I just need that more than I need to purge. I am functioning on very little and its not working so I am trying to be kind to myself by leaving you all with that juicy no tell thought.

Oh and by the way Dana my name is Sharon but when I was born my biological mum named me Jacinta. My adopted mum named Sharon Lea.

St Patricks Day.......Happy Birthday Mum...............

2008-03-17T09:27:00.004+10:00

The 17th of March marks St Patricks Day a tradition of Ireland that is celebrated all of the world now.This day also marks my mums 70th Birthday I was just about to leave to go back out to her when I was talking to her on the phone and wishing her a Happy Birthday when I heard breaking news from our Prime Minister on the news. Half listening to her and him I was left speechless for a minute by the words that came out of his mouth, words my mum has been waiting to hear personally for 65 years.

HMAS Sydney Australia's war ship that was sunk in Australia's biggest maritime disaster in our history has been FOUND.

My mums Dad Edward William Franklin my grandfather was on his way back to Australia to see my mum who had Polio as a little babe. During the war it was sunk by a German ship who pretended to be a dutch ship in distress, Australia went to their aid when the Germans opened fire both ships went down and over 640 of our men died on that day with no survivors.

This Ship being found after all these years is probably the best Birthday present my mum could have ever heard. I am so happy for her and I am still heart broken by the emotions of my mums pain in loosing her dad so young (there is a certain irony in our parallel lives)

Her step father was an evil man who beat and abused my grandmother and my mum worse.

Her child hood was frightful and the nightmare she endured to heart breaking to write about.

She is a true survivor turning 70 years old knowing now that her dad is found and she will always be grateful to have seen this in her life time.

LEST WE FORGET

2008-03-16T00:34:00.001+10:00

Friday the 14th marked my number 3's 15th birthday. We bought her a digital camera and she had some friends sleep over it was a good night. She spent the day at the beach today then went back to a friends house for another Birthday get together for him, I had gone through the usual motions about the so called get together as I have been there before with the my older two.The check list: Third degree lol Phone, address, who was going to be there and so on.I was to pick her and her girlfriend up at 10pm she had said honestly that she thought there would be some alcohol there as his mum is allowing him to drink on his Birthday,but we had discussed the drink situation and that is not something I would have had here with a large group of kids,but there was an adult there and so other children's behaviour and there parents level of acceptance towards there kids actions is not my responsibility unless I am directly involved.Guess who became directly involved at about 9.30? No surprise here I was just getting ready to go and was looking for the refedex to double check the location of where I was to pick her up when that phone call came and it was Taylas friend crying asking for me to come early as another girl had thrown a bottle at her and she was unable to find Tayla and she thought the police were coming.A million things went through my head at this point but I was less than 20 mins away and jogging to my car as I told her I was on my way. Then from this point things went from bad to worse My phone ran out of credit, the car had very little fuel in it I couldn't find the refedex only to realise our border had taken it. The Nav Man was in Ben's car so I was driving towards where I knew I had to be but unsure of the exact location.I stopped at the next town bought credit and asked directions 15 mins had passed and I was still unable to reach Tayla on the phone. I followed the directions I was given but they weren't as clear as I had thought and wasted another ten mins until I was finally on track and headed towards my girl. Passing 3 police cars did little for my confidence at that point but pulled into the lit up property with in half an hour.There were no other cars in sight and only a small group of teenagers under the house and no police. I was picturing riots and chaos in the streets,but nothing as frightfull as the scenes that played through my mind on the trip there. Ben had gotten a hold of Tayla on the phone and let her know I was on my way and there. I have jumped out of the car immediately opening the gate and calling her name, I spotted Taylas friend and she ran towards me and fell into my arms crying then Tayla followed not to far behind,there was no huge disturbance as I had once thought and I spotted the Birthday boys mum she was talking to the kids and I just got my girl and her friend in the car then found out what the hell was going on. Her friend was very upset and Tayla was just angry, my sense of relief acutely felt by both girls.Laura had been struck by another girl at the party (not invited) and was very upset and scared that she was going to follow through with more of her threats Tayla angry at every ones stupid behaviour. L didn't know where Tayla was because she was being attended to by the mum and Tayla couldn't find her. They live on acreage and the camp fire was down the back so T was looking for L and L was just beside herself in fear of this girl. It was all very dramatic but Tayla acted responsibly and was trying to call me as I was trying to call her. Both girls are quite happy never to go to another so called get together again for a while and she know understands why kids and alcohol do not mix and also that these get together's get talked about and people do turn up un invited and that is how problems start she is also glad she didnt lie to go because she would have no chance of getting out of that predicament except to fess up.I am very lucky with my kids and I am grateful for that she was honest with me from the beginning and so they were able to call when they felt uncomfortable in that situation.It was a good learning curb for her because she has always thought of me as too strict but respected my decisions on her going to party's and what not. She can now see what I mean about good intentions and bad decisions by a few changing the course of something innocent into something getting completely out of control.All way to much for my kid she just didn't get why everyone was so stupid or why they had to fight and how they could turn up uninvited. She is glad that we can talk about it all calmly because L could not tell her mum any of this. All my kids know they can talk to me about anything and their friends included.I have had a few call me at different times at 1 and 2 in the morning stuck some where knowing I would pick them up at anytime.That was a while ago with Dana and Ky but here we go again teenagers are not a smart as they think they are or as invincible.Tayla got a small taste of what can happen and on a very small scale and we are both happy for it to stay that way. In some ways I am glad she seen what can go wrong when kids haven't as many boundaries. I trust her and she knows she can trust me and I value that relationship with my kids but I don't think she will be asking me the next time she gets invited to a not Party but a get together, she is quite happy to just hang with her girls at home. (and so am I)

2008-03-15T22:46:00.008+10:00

Its been fast paced back and forth back and forth and my poor my ass aches from sitting in the one spot for hours on end. I wish I had cruise control ;) so I could at least change positions a little.
Well this week has been jam packed with doctors and physios pharmacies meals on wheels and bureaucracy. I think I have a grip on most of it now. I head back Monday for more of the same. Mum is out of Hospital but not a lot better so this time I am going back with my eldest Danicka as she has a week off. I will be happy for the company and mum will be happy to see her first born grandchild for some extra love.

Friday the 14th marked my number 3's 15th birthday. We bought her a digital camera and she had some friends sleep over it was a good night. She spent the day at the beach today then went back to a friends house for another Birthday get together for him I picked them up at 10.

I am slowly getting things under control but cant wait for some normality I hope all is well with you guys.

Peace and Health xxx

2008-03-09T23:01:00.002+10:00

Just quickly stopping in to say thank you for all your kind words of support and to say my mum is still in Hospital. I am back and forth with the 3 hour one way trip trying to keep everything together at home and with mum and her place its draining but I am slowly getting it together.

I am trying to talk to doctors social workers and Allied health to way up all the options of doing things easily but with mums best interests at heart. She is fiercely independent but she will need some help and I just hope my best is good enough. I can not do it alone I need outside help but as you know government and red tape is universal no matter where you are in the world so my time here is very minimal but I will stop in when I am home. I am too tired for more so until next time I hope all is well with you all.

Irony and Facing Your Fears

2008-03-06T17:01:00.004+10:00

Irony - incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs;

I had decided that I was going to avoid my home town for a while after the news that the man I have avoided for so many years was there. I knew I would have to go out there soon but I was going to leave it untill I could get my head around it. My decision on not facing my fears was short lived after speaking to mum on Sunday night. She sounded terrible, the sore back she had 2 weeks ago had escalated into me making a mad dash in the middle of the night out to her and getting her to a hospital. My mum turns 70 on St Patricks Day in just over a week but she he hadn't let on at how bad she was or that she has been sitting in her lounge chair for the past fortnight not eating and in excruciating pain unable to go to bed.

The look of relief on mums face to see me at 1am was heart breaking. She has always been an independent woman and asks nothing of any one. I am very angry that she let it go so long and that my surprise vist on a hunch found her in that condition.

She was admitted to hospital on Monday and is still there. I have come home for the night to try and organise my kids and get some things in order before I make the three hour trek back to be with her. This has put an urgency on my buying her house and getting it up to scratch for her to come home. I will be doing a lot of driving for a while and trying to divivide my time between her and my family.

My first night alone in my mums house the home I grew up in was awful. I haven't stayed in that house more then a dozen times in over 20 years and never once since I was 14 alone. It was daunting but empowering. I spent 3 nights there while mums been in hospital and i have overcome my fears and association of what happened about the house I grew up in and the same house my dad died in.

I am tired and stressed over what to do next and how to divide my time between my family and my mum but I will get there.

I just find it Ironic that I was left with no choice but to go to the last place in the world I wanted to be.

I hope all is well in your part of our beautiful world and get to everyone as soon as I can.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Just for You Sister

2008-03-02T20:45:00.001+10:00

They are just too cute!!!

Time to Purge...............................

2008-02-29T14:46:00.003+10:00

I am not able to get on the computer as much as I would I like between 6 of us in the house it seems to be always being used by some one else. It’s quite annoying especially when I need to purge.Last night I had too…………I was talking to mum last night (adopted) and she happened to mention that the man who turned my world upside down when I was a kid was back in town.
I felt instantly ill, my heart started beating faster my breaths a little shallow and the shudder that hit my body nearly made me drop the phone it was like being hit by a an un-natural force that made me unsteady on my feet.
I am now 37 years old and happy, I have big shoulders and a forgiving heart. So why does just the mention of his name unhinge me so much? He can’t hurt me and I am at peace with my past. I live in the present and the future, full of love and faith and taking things in my stride. I am not easily shocked any more, nor am I scared of too much but the mere mention of him being in town turns my body cold.Apparently he is quite healthy and happy probably because he has no conscious and more than likely his needs are being met in all the selfish aspects of his life. As he sits at the bar laughing and joking while drinking his beer with a care free attitude, I wonder if he worries. I wonder if he even thinks about being exposed. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that leaves me with no appetite. My sleep again disrupted by the dreams that used to haunt me. The Un-controllable welling of tears in my eyes when I think about it makes me angry at myself for not having more self control.
I am stronger than this stronger than my memory of him and what has happened. I hate that he can still disrupt my life and I pray for forgiveness and peace for the thoughts of what I would do upon seeing him face to face again.
This has happened before, he has been in town before but not when I am going to be out there more often attending to mum and the house. I can’t hide my mood swing it’s obvious to everyone in the house that I am more then a little off balance. I hate that so much, my family shouldn’t bear the brunt of his wrong doing of over 20 years ago. I am aware of how I feel and I am trying not to be snappy as I don’t want to go into detail with them.
Ben is great he knows and says little, he holds me with no words spoken just a mutual understanding of where I am at.
Early in our relationship he was angry and vengeful but he is calmer now as violence and vengeance isn't a part of who I am. Too much time is wasted on being angry; too much energy is wasted from seeking vengeance. I am at what I thought was peace but obviously my emotions are still stirred on occasions like these.
I think it’s more of a shock thing, just a reminder that triggers a flood of memories. Last night my post may have been different but no computer so all my thoughts were spoken in my head and I am a little clearer today and not as unsettled as last night so I am okay I just don’t want to see him especially with Ben as I don’t think I could hide my reactions which in turn would make him vulnerable to being my knight in shinning armour.
So putting that aside these puppies are so damn cute I just cant stand it (giggle) that puppy smell is so beautiful, I liken it to that baby smell that we love so much the smell of innocence and vulnerability, there dependence on their mumma.
Ayesha is home today her poor little arms sore and bruised from the crutches, she is getting her plaster replaced today as it has lumpy bits sticking into her as well.
All the boys are working tonight so it’s just us girls home doing assignments lol what fun, I hate high school and I am not even the one there. Tayla wants to be physio therapist and she struggles a little with her work but she is determined to do well.
I am so proud of the effort she puts in, her work doesn’t come as easily to her but she is getting there. She has three more years including this one to put her head down and bum up and get into it, then it’s off to University.
Ayesha is only a year behind so we are busy. She is still a little undecided. Understandably at 13 she hasn't made a stead fast decision but she is such a good kid I know she will achieve what ever she puts her mind too.
Danicka is now working and studying getting her cert.3 as a dental nurse so she is on track and now its only kyle who of course is working but not knowing his long term goals. That's okay he will find his niche eventually.
I will try and get you all soon.

Peace and Health : Love and Light

All my News..........Dare to Dream

2008-02-22T22:06:00.007+10:00

I am so Busy................................ I want to be here again at this picture I took at Myora springs last year, on the boat and enjoying the sea breezes and Ben's mum and dads company. So much is going on I am excited worried stressed and over whelmed at all that is happening.

I have so much going on life is great, being well is so awesome I am nearly back to normal.

If I ever was giggle I am spring cleaning and getting more organised in my life.

Today was awful though I feel so bad about what has happened with my youngest babe.

2 weeks ago she fell over at school she had some big bruises a few scrapes and she had a sore foot.

The bruises faded and the scrapes healed but her foot was still sore Ish did a bit of complaining but I figured it would get better she may have twisted it quite badly.

To cut a long story short I finally had it checked out and it seems my poor baby has to fractures in her foot and she is now in a half cast and on crutches i cant believe how long I waited to take her to the doctor i feel so awful. I feel as though I have been so neglectful and that is not like me. We told her to put concrete on her cereal and harden up. How bad is that, so much for my sooky babe I know I will listen a lot more in future and not think she is just whingeing.

I went out to seem my mumma and she is in a lot of pain with her back and the ideas we had for the house and her have changed. She was so sad and very worried about all the plans we had and I couldn't stand to see her so sad and no she was hiding it so well trusting me completely with what I thought was best even though she didn't really want to leave.

So.......... I am still buying the house and I am still going to renovate it but I am not going to sell it. I am keeping my mum in her home. Its a huge under taking and its going to be hard financially as I will be paying off the house and receiving no rent from her and I don't even have my own house again yet but it is a good investment long term.

I just want her to be safe and happy and have some money in the bank to enjoy herself a little she has struggled financially and I bought her two new Bras the other day her first new ones since the last ones I bought 4 years ago and she was just so happy.

It hurts me to see her struggle she has no hot water and the stairs are about to fall off the old place, so I will make it safe and beautiful again she deserves more than she has and I have to do this. The property will rise in value and my mum gets to live out her days with money a nice newly renovated house that she loves stress free.

My dad died in that house and I just cant help but know she wants to die there as well. I am not trying to be morbid but staying there will make her happy.

I went to stay with my Neacey as well, my god daughter came to stay and her beautiful babies.

It was great to spend some time with them all as I miss them a lot.

She is a wonderful friend to me and has been for about 25 years so my news is some where in here and I hope you approve of what we are thinking about. PHeww it is a big one so brace yourself....lol

As you know I had cancer when I was 25 and had a hysterectomy hence no more babies. Ben has no children and loves our family unconditionally, he is the dad in my kids life and he loves them dearly and they love him just as much in return.

I have always wanted more kids I would of had at least 6 if I hadn't of gotten sick.

Ben would really love a baby of his own and that's the one thing I cant give him. In saying that I still have my ovaries and there for have eggs just not the oven to cook them so to speak SOoooooooooo my beautiful girlfriend has offered to be a surrogate mumma for us.

Now we are seriously considering this and we are both very excited about the prospects of having our own baby, to say it would complete our already loving family is an understatement. Now I don't want to get too excited because there are so many factors involved in all of this and it may not happen but we are going to pursue the idea very seriously. I cant take the smile off my face and the feeling of love for something that may never be is still amazing.

When my test results come back clear (POSITIVE THINKING GUYS) it is going to be a mission with doctors and what not to see how feasible this whole thing is. Neacey has to be healthy and I have to be healthy and it all has to be worked out.

At the moment its a dream, one that we don't take lightly and we discussed the prospect of it not happening and decided that we will be over joyed if it does but content with what we have if it doesn't. I am just so elated at the thought of being a mum again and the kids are really excited as well. I thought that was all over for me and it used to really break my heart as its what I love, it was my chosen career so to speak ;) and I am not getting any younger.

My two eldest kids gave me and Ben the biggest compliment anyone could ever hope for in telling me that any kid would be very lucky to have us as parents and that made me cry. SOooooooooooo there it is.............. number 5 may just well become a reality.

I hope I am not jinxing myself with all of this but I cant help but DARE TO DREAM

I think that's it and I am sure that's enough for now lol so I will leave you to ponder all of that and I will be back to tell you about my beautiful Puppies soon.

Peace and Health XXXX

Going away

2008-02-17T23:20:00.002+10:00

I will have to leave my news for now as I am going away for a couple of days to see my mum (not my birth mum) I am going to buy her house and set her up in some where more suitable, low set ect. She is 70 this year and I want her closer to me but she has lived in Lowood for over 30 years and she is comfortable there but we will see.
The house is old and broken down and she cannot afford to fix it so I am doing my best to make things easier for her.
I will tell all in a few days.

Peace and Health To All xxx

IM A GRANDMA....LOL

2008-02-16T00:52:00.005+10:00

BEFORE and After

My Girl is a champion she has had 10 puppies this is a crazy amount for such a little girl. She is tired and I had to help the last one out,well I hope the last one.

I always wanted to be a midwife lol.

The pics I took were at 6 I didnt think she would have more I am so excited and relieved she is okay but I think some sleepless nights for this granny are ahead of me.

Peace and Health

And cheers to Life xxx

RESULTS

2008-02-14T18:11:00.003+10:00

Hi guys I have been so busy the last 2 weeks Ammi has been up with the kids and Ky is home and starts work with Ben Friday night so we are all just trying to fit in, its a full house again.
I went to Brisbane two days in a row to see a prophet Ruckins McKinley from the states who is doing great work and I will talk more about that later.
I wont leave you hanging, my second set of results are CLEAR woo hoo 1 to go and that will be in May (its nearly over Phewwwww)I am not dwelling on the final results as I am feeling really confident at the moment and do not feel the need to dwell on it as so much more is going on.

My baby girl Bella is due to have her puppies today she is huge and she has really slowed down we can feel the puppies moving around anticipating their arrival into our family. I personally think she may go another few days but it would be so nice if they came tonight.
Today is Valentines Day..................It’s a significant day for couples, partners and lovers.That is all cute and mushy but today is more than that to me it’s my Dads birthday.

Birthdays were easy to remember in my house, Dad's being today Mums is St Patricks Day and my Nanas were the 4th of July so I had it good.It was devastating loosing my dad at the young age of 12 and it turned my world upside down, every year gets a little easier but you never forget. I always try to reflect on the good times and on his birthday a little more than usual.
At the moment I have little time to post or to read for that matter but I am trying to get organised as I have missed being in touch.
I have lots to tell and will get back on here tomorrow night when the house is a little quieter and the boys go to work.

Peace and Health To All

Specialist Day

2008-02-05T21:42:00.001+10:00

Okay tomorrow's specialist appointment is less then 17 hours away at this point and I am positive that this check will be fine.
Its the april one that has me a little peturbed but I remain optimistic.
Its hard to plan at the moment I wish I could just say its fine and move forward towards the goals I have for this year but its the practical side of me that keeps me from moving forward too quickly.
I am keen to have all this behind me so I dont have to consider all the options before I start a new project. Its hard but nothing compared to treatment so I am blessed by the small things.
I will let you know how I go either way.
Thankyou for all your support xxxx

Your Prayers Appreciated

EDIT: Phone call from specialist 9am this morning. MY TEST RESULTS are not back I have to wait another week, not happy.

Thanks for your kind prayers xxx

Tired and Restricted

2008-02-04T08:16:00.000+10:00

Well I have been up for nearly 24hours I am not sleeping I am off everything that includes sleeping tablets and well lets say I am struggling with insomnia. I have always had a few problems with sleeping but had it under control before treatment since then it’s hard and it’s driving me crazy I can see why they use sleep deprivation for torture. I am not actually tired my body is but it’s not exhausted so it’s still working (reluctantly I must admit) but seriously I am not even yawning. Whets the go with that? Now I know I should be using this time productively I could clean and tidy, rearrange the house mow the lawn put my time to good use. THAT would be too easy instead I walk around feeling lost looking at all the things I could be doing and then all the things I should be doing but instead I just look and contemplate and do nothing. I know I should I know I could but BLaHHHH I am not.
So any way now that I have that off my chest I want to talk to the girls about my chest lol you’ll all know what I am talking about here?
Since Simon moved in with us my routine has changed I can’t be as free as I usually am. I am restricted in more ways then one.
I can’t say catches catch can;
Translation: Mums not cooking help your self open a can of what ever I am having the night off.
Now there a few reasons I can’t do that 1 he's paying for food and I do the shopping and the cooking. He doesn’t know my kitchen and I would hate for him to feel as though he couldn’t cook something for himself in case I was going to use it for something else and I would hate for him to have to go buy take away when has already chipping in for food.
I can’t walk around naked for obvious reasons ;)
But the killer for me is MY BRA I can not and will not do as I usually do and just reef that restrictive thang off and throw across the room when I walk in the door as I usually do.
Now would that be different If my boobs were as they were pre babies and breast feeding when I could wear strapless dresses and they were right where they always were?
If they didn’t say hello to my belly button every time I unclip and fling.
Maybe my kids would have benefited just as much from formula as they did breast feeding for 6 years between them.
Well all maybes but that doesn’t help me now………My bra is my friend it keeps me balanced and proportioned. It keeps them from blackening my eyes it keeps them from looking south on a permanent basis.
It is a good thing………….Why would a woman burn her bra?
Don’t get me wrong I love taken it off I love what it does I love the reason why it was invented it has its purpose, my problem is when my pups want out they damn well want out but NUP not with another man in the house, it just soooooo can not happen, will not happen, scary if that happened.
I know I am kind of safe up until about lunch time then I HAVE to find it and use it.
He works nights like Ben and sleeps till lunch so when that time comes I jump. What the hell would I do if he walked now? Shit my self and freak out run up stairs like a chook with his head cut off. But at the moment I am chilled I know he went to sleep about 5am so I do have a little time but I am still anxious. Sad isnt it I have so much I could be doing, many things I should be doing but I am writing about my BRA and my damn Boobs.
That’s it I have officially lost it I am going.

I made it...........................

2008-02-01T23:46:00.000+10:00

Its February 2008 and as I said in my last post I read back on previous posts and I was shocked at what I read.

The post below was nearly a year ago and I just cant believe the difference from then to now those times I didnt think I would make it are far behind me.

I may be gushing a little, OKAY a lot but hey I can actually say I am proud of myself and that is an achievement in itself (trust me)

This is how I started February in 2007

I have edited this and changed the post that I put up and decided to put one up that was a little scary at the time so instead of february its from January the 13th.

Wandering a maze through stormy weather; January 13th 2007

I wanted to say something inspiring and earth shattering but of course.I draw nothing but darkness.My mind is like a storm, with dark clouds blowing around, not knowing in what direction they will finally stop to rest.Its the unknown in my head that is giving me this unwanted arousal of emotions.I cant decipher through the gusts of confusion that keep blustering up, just when things are starting to become more calm.I used to be able to sit with pen paper and a glass of red in a dimly lit corner of the room. Or I would go out the backyard and express exactly what my head was saying to my Heart or visa versa, it was controlled and unmistakable, right and wrong black and white, it was a reasonably easy task. It was very private, but also very comforting.My war was over for the the best part of that moment and my paper would be burnt.Ashes blown into the wind to fly away along with all my pain fears and ever growing feelings of unworthiness. I would be again at Peace.Now.......... its the Greys, the ifs, the buts and the maybes that plague my brain and then, there begins the war with in myself.I know its the drugs!!!! my Doctor tells me its the drugs.The literature tells me its the drugs.I tell me its the drugs.BUT......... the drugs tell me its me its all my fault, I should be braver, I should be Happier, I should be coping better, I shouldn't need all these pain meds I should be tougher than this.Then I am torn...........my head,my heart,my reality and the drug induced agitated state of myself both physically and emotionally gets way to much for me to bear.Its even harder to convey my feelings as I get tongue tied and lost for words that have any true meaning.If I cant live with me at the moment, if I cant stand me at the moment, what the hell does everyone else have to put up with.What am I actually doing to those around me? am I sending them mad as well or is that just in my head.Do I abandon all hope of trying to recognise reality or do I fight on head first into battle with myself not even knowing if there was any real argument in the first place.Its a scary uncontrolled test environment.I feel like a rat in a cage trying to find my way through the maze towards the final prize, the light at the end of the tunnel.

A cure.

I changed this because I started going back and seeing who I knew back then and Walker being my first comment today I decided to find the first day he came to me. What a blessing you all have been to me you helped me move forward on a daily basis when I didnt think I could face another day but you all helped me do it and I thankyou so deeply for that.

Next week is second test results to say I am CURED, I am confident in my heart but my head still plays with me a little so I will remeber your prayes, your friendships and go to my specialist just as part of routine knowing the results before he speaks them.

Peace and Light my Friends xxx

Looking Back and Moving Forward

2008-01-31T21:00:00.000+10:00

I have just spent the last hour reading my posts and comments to those thoughts from about a year ago from when I first started blogging and the lead up and on to when I first started treatment.

It was a bit of an eye opener to say the least.

Even I can say I have come a long way since then but reading those posts as well as the comments and reliving the support I received has me reflecting on the that journey and what I have learnt since then. I opened up in more ways then I ever thought possible. So much for being private and secretive. lol.

I re-lived a lot of painful memories through treatment with nothing else to do but reflect on my past present and future. I put all my feelings and memories out there for all to see and that is how they stand, still to this day. Its weird I do remember writing some of the posts but others have come as a bit of a shock.

Not in a bad way I am just shocked at myself and what I have shared things I never thought I could or would.

I don’t regret one post; I really don’t regret sharing anything at all. It has been a healing process that I myself didn’t even know I needed but when I look back it really worked for me. The thing that struck me the most was what I have gained through all of this, the release of pent up emotions and also the people that I have met.

I am truly touched by the support I have had and I am seemingly lost for words to describe how much everyone means to me and how this blog has opened me up to trust and care more about strangers and the new people who come into my life than I would of before.

My new found friends and the ones that have started this journey with me and continue on with me has given me a peace in my heart that I am truly grateful for.

I feel free to be me and not always put on a happy face. I have left behind so much guilt and shame now, I feel free to express myself more openly with a smile and a wink then I did before and to say no when I need to.

Peace and Light XXX

Just Enjoying

2008-01-28T13:44:00.000+10:00

Well so much has been happening, with no time to get on the computer as often as I thought. I have been feeling really well and just seem to be on the go constantly with so many things needing to be done. Having the girls headed back to school our new friend Simon living with us.
I am washing cooking cleaning dropping off picking up and feeling needed again with the ability to do what I do best and that's take care of my family and friends.
I am in my element right now with few or no restrictions due to my health and keeping busy keeps my mind off test results and helps me to return to some normality. It seems so long since I have had direction and focus on other things other then the way I have been feeling health wise. Its nice to wake up and not feel completely weighed down with muscle aches, headaches no energy to raise my head from the pillow and simply wanting to throw up.
I am appreciating and savouring every day enjoying the smallest of things and really just relishing in our balmy hot days and loving the air conditioning in our bedroom lol The girls have been great and so happy to be home enjoying the company and random jokes of our newest ring in and adopted family member. Simon is a funny guy at 6ft4 tall and just as wide, a big man with a kind heart and great sense of humour.
Its good for Bam Bam as well they both train together and its good for him to have a another male around as we girls tend to be a little much for just one guy all the time giggle. Kyle will be back home again in a week, working security with the boys all going well. He has broken up with his girl of nearly two years and I am hoping by working and training up here he will find the direction he is after with out the emotional struggles he has had with his relationship in the last year or so. My kids love deeply and he has struggled with the break down of his relationship. He is a one person kind of guy he doesn't want to play the field and he doesn't believe in casual relationships unlike a lot of boys or men his age, he has respect for women and doesn't enter into casual flings. Danicka is the same a lot of her friends have been pregnant had abortions and some have 1 or more kids and they are not 21 yet. She has only had two relationships both long term, being single again she is focusing on her chosen career as a dental nurse and has just registered for her certificate 3 course at UNI part time while working full time. I am very proud of my kids and the way respect themselves and others. It gives me hope that I have done something right.
Well last night was a big night for my girlfriends and I we headed out and into Noosa we had a great night Aleesha and I kicked on after the other girls left at midnight. We were the oldest in the club but were treated like queens by the staff and of course the security. It was nice to feel welcomed and also very well protected by the boys who we joked around with all night, getting numerous stares from the young Hotties in the club at the service we were provided with. It was a really good night out. The last for a long time as the holidays are over and detoxing and gym will be taking priority over big nights out, we didn't go to bed until 5am but well worth it I can tell you and due to the rule of what happens on a girls night out stays on the girls night I have to keep the details confidential but I will say that Tania (miss naughty) will thank me later lol. I am so tempted to give you a blow by blow report but instead lets just say we created a stir but we were also reasonably well behaved and that is all I am saying, my lips are sealed
Profound words of wisdom fail me at the moment I am just feeling very low key and enjoying the pace in which my life is being directed for me enjoying the flow and being in the mix of normality again.

Peace and Health XXXX

l

Calling all Prayers

2008-01-25T10:27:00.000+10:00

Its been busy here.................As I have said my Bella is due to have her puppies in a week and the girls have only been home a week. Kyle is moving back home and I have one of Ben's workmates who has just started living with us. Visitors coming and going and getting ready to send the girls back to school. I had my second blood test yesterday and go to the specialist on the 6th. So things are hectic but I feel pretty started at the gym for cardio and Simon set up the weights in the shed for us all to train with which is great. So in saying all that I have missed calls that I have not yet returned emails that i just haven't got a chance to read or respond to and I am still trying to retrain my sleeping patterns from going to sleep at 4am and getting up at lunch time too not matter what time I go to bed getting up at 8am which is still not great but its a start. I am naturally nocturnal I can go 2 or more days without sleep the sun comes up and I can sleep like a baby the sun goes down and I tend to get a second wind, Ping my eyes adjust and that's the end of me and no I don't drink blood lol. The sleeping tablets do not work anymore and it is extremely frustrating.

So back to return phone calls: A life long friend of mine Neace who's first born is my God Daughter rang me this morning just as I got up at 8 I have had a few missed calls over the last 2 weeks and 2 since Tuesday. Life being busy I have not yet had a chance to return those calls, one of the reasons for that is I usually have to set aside at least an hour for when we do talk as we can reallllly talk she did not tell the girls it was important so I didnt rush.
But we finally caught each other Neacey being the person she is asked all about the girls Kyle Ben and then me also everything that's been going on and listened contently and always interested responding as normal. I finally said okay enough of us whats been going on out there (she live 2 hours away near my mum) There was silence I asked again babe whats going on I hear a quiver in her voice that made me go cold and break into a sweat of anticipation. She has had a bad year or two suffering viral encephalitis, the murder and trial of her cousin and the loss of her dad who's was the funeral in which I delivered the eulogy, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Out of a family of 5 kids they chose me as I have been a ring in to the family since I was eleven years old.
She said Oh shaz its been a bad week I could feel her choke up she said I don't know how to tell you whats been going on. I was anxious to say the least and wanted her to just spit it out, I could tell how hard it was for her so I just got up and started pacing trying to be patient. She was crying now and kept saying I just cant get that picture out of my head, she just kept saying my name as if starting the sentence over and over. I told her take a deep breath that it was okay and tried to help her talk by prompting her with names is Baily and Ethan ok (her sons) is Thera okay? is Al okay (husband) are Keeley and charlie may ok (her grand kids and my god daughters children. She said yes yes yes and the she started to cry at the name of charlie may.
My heart skipped a beat but I didn't push i allowed her to take her time gently asking her to start from the beginning. She proceeded to tell me that on Tuesday Thera and the girls came over to visit and Thera was doing her hair (hairdresser by trade) and they had just finished when neacey was in the bathroom and Thera her a thump come from the other room. She rushed in as Charlie May has just started walking so she went to see if she had tripped over there was no crying but as a mum you check all noises. She walked out yelling to Neace mum shes holding her breath. neace stopped what she was doing and said just pat her she may have given her self a fright she'll be okay. A minute passed and she still hadn't taken a breath Neacey took over (she does not deal well, she is a very emotional person) so when she tried everything and still no breathing she told Thera to ring ooo and get an ambulance Thera was screaming neace was crying and started CPR The minutes tick by as her 8 month old granddaughter turned more blue with no heart beat. She continued as she cried trying to breath life into her eldest daughters youngest child. She felt her as she described her youngest grand daughters soul slip from her lifeless body. She continued CPR while crying praying all the time aware of Thera sitting beside her on the floor begging God and her mum not to let her baby die. She didn't give up she just kept going, it has been 20 years since she did a first aid course and wasn't even sure if what she was doing was right. Charlie was limp her big blue eyes wide open, her little lips Blue but she kept going. Finally a a faint heart beat she still wasn't sure if she was breathing it had been at least 10 mins then the ambulance arrived. They immediately bagged her and she went slowly from blue to an opaque white. They rushed her to the hospital where she remained for 2 days. She is okay she is alive thanks to her brave Nana but she has a heart problem they do not know why she stopped breathing what actually happened nor if it will happen again. She has no marks or bruises they don't know if she fell from the bed or just fell over if she stopped breathing before or after, they are in the dark. This news has floored me my friend has floored me.
She didn't want to call and say it was an emergency and worry me.
WHAT????? I just cant believe it I feel so bad, I am also so proud of her and told her to never keep me out of the loop again I am never that damn busy for important things. She continued to tell me she knew I would of dropped everything and went straight out there that's why she didn't say until it was okay. That's why she just said when you get a chance call me she didnt want me to worry. I cant believe it took me this long to call back I am beating myself up for not being there for her I am not making this about me just trying to show the care my friend has in everyone else but it is killing me that I didnt call. She is not coping she is going to see a counselor today she can not get the image of her grand baby laying lifeless on her kitchen floor. The feeling of helplessness has over whelmed her. She is ringing Thera 8 or more times a day in a panic. I can only imagine what she is feeling right now. I went through a similar thing nearly loosing Kyle but this is different and Neacey is different, she is super sensitive and plays things over and over again in her mind and finds it hard to get control when she is overwhelmed with fear.
How do you comfort a friend over the phone whos life has been turned upside down, she is traumatised at what has happened and can't accept that she has saved her grand daughters life all she sees when she closes her eyes is the life drain out of her little face.

I ask that you pray for her and her family send them strength, Peace and Health.
I cant write any more i am going out there next week to be with her but I am terribly concerned.

Peace and Health xxx

Fun night and rude people........

2008-01-20T22:41:00.000+10:00

Its a quiet night Tayla Olivia (Taylas bestie from Brisbane) Ayesha and I (oh and Bella our dog who by the way is due to have pups on the 31st) just hanging doing the girl thing like we do every holidays. No ear piercing tonight but eyelash tinting and chick flicks. Last night I took them into Noosa we walked along the beach window shopped and had gelatis watching the tourists checking out the cute guys and putting money into the hat for a busker on singing and playing his guitar.

Tomorrow I am going to gym for the first time in nearly 4years it is so going to hurt but I really need to get back to me and its a good start the cleansing starts then as well. I really need to make a start without thinking about what my test results will be. I have decided that if it didn't work then so be it and I am more prepared this time then I was before. I know what to expect and I really believe if it did happen I would deal with it a lot better. Now don't get me wrong I feel great and I also think I am cured so I am not worried but I needed to make a decision.

Now to a completely different subject.
Rude People In business especially retail I was always told and taught be courteous and supposedly the customer is always right. I know that's not always the case but seriously I have never struck a woman like i did the other day. I am very mellow these days I don't burr up easily and if anything I get a little walked on but this just blew my mind. There was Lyndell (Mrs naughty) Tania (Miss naughty) and of course me. We went to noosa and lyndell and I went into a clothes shop and she proceeded to try on about 6/7 items of clothing. No problem so far it was a normal shopping experience. Well from then things took a little turn in a different direction.................L got dressed and tried on some shoes that I passed her from beside the dressing room with the curtain open and then passed them back as they were uncomfortable. Just as she was to pick up the clothes she tried on and by the way she was going to purchase most of them and I had one item in my hand for me. The sales assistant who clearly was having a bad day walked up and said in a stern voice what is going on here ? Before we could reply she stormed past L and then it started she picked up the remainder of the clothes off the floor including the ones to be purchased and started her rant huffing and puffing she said this is why we have hooks why have you got these clothes on the floor blah blah blah?
Okay we said, as she started to walk away she turned and said what are you buying? I told her she was just deciding before you came in. This is in a small but open store and there were more customers in the shop, L and I looked at each other in disbelief and thought we would just let it go UNTILL as she walked towards the desk and new customers she was still going on about it saying How would you like it if I came into your house and threw your things all over the floor? as she said that you could see the other customers discomfort. I was thinking enough already but didn't realise the words came out in a little louder than normal voice.
Then it started she proceeded to yell at us call us morons she said something about thoroughbreds and then something about mongrel dogs having more manners. WELL that was it I told her I had never seen anything like the show she was putting on and to call us rude was ridiculous. Then as we decided to leave with out our clothes throwing them on the counter Tania had walked in because she heard me raise my voice and got excited over the drama as it unfolded UNTILL it took a turn for the worse and as we were walking out I heard this witch of a woman call us stupid bitches and she was ordering us out of her store.
I stopped at the stupid bitches comment.......Who in the hell did she think she was and as I stood there trying to control my anger Tania grabbed my arm and said don't worry lets go.
PFFtttt your kidding I stood there shaking and I couldn't help it all I could get out was really loudly was I SHOULD KNOCK HER HEAD OFF HER F*%#EN SHOULDERS I started to shake and my fists were clenched I was about to loose it when the girls said come on lets go they were scared of what may unfold. I stood just outside for a minute trying to compose myself my stomach was in knots and I had a twitch in my temple I wanted to hurt this woman and rather badly at this point. We walked as I tried to understand what the hell just happened and why I didn't kill this woman, it is beyond my comprehension to what her problem was and I believe with all my heart that if Tania had of said f**k her it would of been on but I think were all in a little shock and this woman really doesn't know how close she came to being planted on her ass.

Okay we had put some of the clothes on the floor but we were buying most of them, okay there were hooks yes 1 broken and maybe we should of used them but holy shit she went way to far.

Now I am not a vengeful woman but I think a little shake up for her maybe required and I will keep you informed as to the next chapter. I usually conclude with Peace and Health but just thinking about it doesn't make me feel peaceful so tonight its just..................................

God Bless

A Mummas Request................

2008-01-19T14:58:00.000+10:00

Well how hard is it to get one good photo once a year.

We are not all together often so I thought I would take the opportunity to do the right thing for the Relatives and get one nice picture to send them all, you know the ones we do, blown up a little and in a nice frame.

How hard can it be the kids are older now just sit them down with a nice background get them all to smile on cue, easy right?
WRONG it was a nightmare that had me in fits of laughter while being infuriated by the difficulty of this so called simple task.
I know you don't want photos guys but I just need one its not for you its for your Nana's and your dad.

First mistake was me saying Shit when I stepped in some dog poo second mistake was pleading with them to all smile at the same time and ignore the smell.

That was too much for Tayla.

Tayla couldn't get over the dog poo thing

Danicka thought she was going to fall backwards and there may be more poo!
Kyle tried to flip the hammock casually and making it look like he was innocent.
Then pulled a face when I lost it and said thank god for digital cameras.
This is his........... It wasn't me Look
Kyle and me arguing and Danicka has had enough.So we scrapped the hammock and this was the last one I was able to get before they all walked off leaving me to clean my thong of dog poo. And for those of you in the states no not undies my flip flops, even though I did have the shits.

Danickas folded arms shows her impatience but at least she smiled.

Well I am feeling pretty good, my headaches are slowing down and life is going pretty smoothly as far as my health is concerned.My second lot of bloods will be done next week and back to the specialist on the 6th of Feb.

I am joining the gym on Monday and will slowly try to rebuild my poor body. I have been cleansing but not intensely. That too will start on Monday so I will be stronger then ever very soon and looking forward to it.

Peace and Health All XXX

Im Back...........

2008-01-18T22:15:00.000+10:00

Well I have my computer back and its about time. It has been way to long and it was so nice just to browse and read as I sit in my favourite chair and catch up on every ones happenings and thoughts.
So much has happened over the last few weeks and I don't even know where to begin.
The girls went to Cairns on boxing day for two and a half weeks. They only see there dad once a year (his choice) and it was a nightmare for all of us. He still has a problem with my leaving him it has been more than 8 years and he just cant except that he did any thing to contribute to the breakdown of our 15 year relationship. He is 46 years old now and he hasn't grown at all. I don't care that he has a problem with me i can handle it i have broad shoulders but to treat my kids like shit is totally unacceptable so began 2 weeks of tears and tantrums. The tears were from my babies and the tantrums from him. You would think that if you only seen them once a year you would make the most of the time you have.................but no that would be to easy. he ran me down which my girls will not stand for especially Tayla she is a little like me, you can pick on her but don't pick on the ones we love. So she was constantly in trouble Ayesha is just not used to having to defend herself or me at every step. I do not speak ill of him to them so it was quite disturbing for them to hear the things they did especially when most of it was lies. They are really good girls and deserved better than they got. Hence they wont be going back next year by there choice and he seems unperturbed by that.It just goes to show that i made the right choices for all of us concerned so many years ago. I wont go into the gory details of when I nearly flew to Cairns to get them and in the process let loose on their Father because it just makes me angry and I wont allow him to do that to me any more.That being said it is so wonderful to have them home. I have just missed them dearly and find that I feel sorry for him for not seeing what wonderful kids we have. He should be proud of them but he lets his bitterness for me get in the way of any enjoyment he could have with them.
I will over the next few days go over whats been happening in the time they were away and get back into the swing of things.
I am just so glad to be back and writing sharing and off loading.

Peace and Health To You All xxx

2008

2008-01-11T20:46:00.000+10:00

Well my dearest friends it is 2008.

A year for hope-health –peace and prosperity.
2008 being here so quickly gave me little time to contemplate what my future holds for this year,
My positive side is dancing in anticipation of a year that could hold great things for my family and I, also that of who are my nearest and dearest.
On the 31st of December marked Ben and I having our first New Years apart from each other, all though we have quiet ones celebrating with friends we have always spent it together no matter what,
This year started off very differently my babe had to work doing security and I was going to go in and see him just before midnight to kiss in the year with my baby and then go home alone to wait for his shift to finish. As usual the best layer plans go astray. I ended up down the coast with my best mate Peter. It was one he intended spending alone; this would be his first new years with out his mum. I just didn’t want that so when I called and he said he just wanted to stay at home by himself.
I kind of figured he needed me and in a way I needed him too. His mums passing has had a great affect on our lives and I wanted to be there if he needed me and he was ecstatic and things have been going pretty well health wise. My girls are with their dad in Cairns, Danicka and Kyle had plans with friends and that’s fine but I could feel that this was a big one for him, so I forfeited my ritualistic kiss with my baby to spend that time with my oldest and dearest friend and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. We sang we laughed we cried we even went to the amusement park and rode the “zipper” our all time favorite ride from when we were 9.

We had a blast. Even though the dawn came far too quickly with a New Year beginning he was the perfect person for me to do that with, Its hard to let go of people you love when they go and it has only been a few months since Kath, his mums passing.

I am glad I was there for him because it was a tough one.

Now for me I still have no computer “I know it’s been way to damn long and I am starting to get a little peeved to put it rather nicely. It’s near impossible to visit everyone and just as hard to get some words out, I have more bloods in a week or so then find out results early February. That will be the second of 3 and if that’s clear then my last test will be in April.
Now I truly believe I am cured but I still have that side to me that makes me need to consider my options if hypothetically I am not.
You know it doesn’t scare me if it hasn’t but Ben doesn’t want to discuss it because he wants to be positive, and that’s great but I would like to cover all bases and have a game plan if things don’t turn out just as we expected.
Now the question I ask first is should I just leave it and wait and see, totally put it out of my mind OR do I consider all my options now so if god forbid it doesn’t come back negative I have a back up plan worked out so that by not being cured I know what I would do.

This seems logical all though my choices are few I would like to make them now and not while I am under stress trying to choose a decision.
Doctors Choice is 1. straight back on treatment for another year that’s it no questions no stopping and no collecting $200 while passing go. It would be my best chance from his point of view.
MY CHOICES are a unlimited take a year off then try again;, don’t try again and lets go natural blah blah what to do. Liver biopsy will be a start and then we will see but I like options, even though I am indecisive I don’t like only having one choice and to be honest it was tough and I don’t know how my family would go if I had to do another year, Hypothetically my friends what would you do?:?????????

2007-12-26T22:27:00.000+10:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

Thank you all for you Christmas wishes as you know or may have realised I still have no computer GRRRRR but I said a prayer and wished you all a safe and happy Christmas in them.
I am missing you all and look forward to coming out to play again soon (as Dana sweetly put it lol)
I am doing really well and the first test results are clear Praise God and only two more to go the last in April.
Christmas was wonderful all my children together and a huge get together with Ben's amazing family it was truly wonderful.
The two girls are up in cairns of today for two weeks so I will sneak in some more time to visit you all in the next week leading up to the New Year (I am so looking forward to it so until then Hugs and kisses all round xoxox

Im Here but Lost

2007-11-29T11:27:00.000+10:00

Hey guys so sorry to have left you all hanging its tough at the moment.

I have no computer and generally I am just feeling a little reclusive. I am unwell and doing my best to keep smiling.

I thought that being at the end would be so much better but I haven't found a lot relief neither physically or emotionally.

I am slowly rebuilding my strength and trying to stay positive.

I have a specialist appointment on the 5th so we will see.

I am missing you all and will be hopefully back on line soon.

I am usually one to lie and say I'm fine no worries mate but I just cant do that at the moment so I hope your well and I think of you daily.

Lots of love Shazz XXX

2007-11-13T23:02:00.000+10:00

Days and weeks, months even have passed by so quickly, its 6 weeks until Xmas and I am tired and it seems like it was only a few weeks ago I struggled to get through Xmas day.
My body still weary and my mind a little lost all though I am doing much better I feel strange, I feel kinda lazy and a little disconnected from everything and I am trying to form some sort of normality and routine back into our lives.
Its been great with the girls lately I am able to spend more time talking and getting interested in whats going on with them (and remember the next day) I just feel as if I have missed a big chunk of the last year and realistically I have but it just feels odd some how.
I am not feeling sorry for my self just considering where to go from here. I am off to the naturopath soon to work on a regime of how to get my health back on track and detox all the chemicals that I've consumed.
I really need some normality and routine as i am feeling a little lazy and a little confused on what direction or route to follow now. So much as happened in the last couple of years, my health only being a part of the changes that we have gone through and we are all trying to adjust and find our feet.
Its strange how not having my computer going and visiting everyone and staying connected has left a big gap in my life at the moment. Even if I don't post, just by being in touch with you all through your own posts makes me feel better some how. Not knowing whats going on and missing even the small stuff with you all, well to be honest pisses me off big time and even that seems a little weird but I know you all get that.
You have all just become such a special part of my life that I feel a little lost when your not in it. I feel a bit dorky about that because we have never even met but I care for you all very deeply and i miss you all a lot.
You guys have been there for me during some pretty dark times and I hope you all know how much I appreciate each and everyone you.
You have been my confidants with out judgement,my friends without question and my special place to fall when I needed it. Your always there to pick me up and make me smile when I didnt think I could or wanted too, we have laughed together, cried together, I have never felt your touch physicly but my heart has. I have never even heard your voices, but I have definately felt your support and been hugely blessed by your friendships.
I just want you all to know that and know I probably wouldn't have gotten to where I am now with out each and everyone of you.
Each of you have given me something very special and I hold you all very close to my heart, more than any typed word will ever express properly.

So as I go to sleep tonight and Pray I will thank God for each and everyone of you,
MY New found Friends.

Doing Better

2007-11-07T21:50:00.000+10:00

Hey Guys I am feeling a lot better!!!!!!!!! not great, but so way better than before and I am getting stronger everyday.

I am sure it has helped to have all your prayers and thoughts and the Love you have sent me.

My computer is down so I just wanted to check in with a short note to say Thank you....I miss you and will be back really soon.

Peace and Health To You Always XXXX

I just want to Wish Ayesha HAPPY BIRTHDAY for the 12th she will be a big 13 my youngest Babe Geeeezzz I feel old LOL

Absence

2007-11-01T17:06:00.000+10:00

Its usually the case when you do don't see my comments or new posts that I am unwell.
The same is true at the moment, I don't know whats happening and I have been to sick to even make it to the doctor, I have missed two appointmentsas I just couldn't make it.
It comes in waves and is debilitating my symptoms are strange and my specialist who is supposed to know has no idea nor has he taken to much time to try and help.
I am a little discouraged and a lot freaked out by whats going on and the more I research post treatment side effects the more freaked out I become. (so I have stoppedreading)
I am supposed to be recovering, feeling a little better each day but instead I am ok for an hour more or less then flat on my back either asleep or in strange spasms feeling like I'm going to throw up then dizzy confused then ok again............ if you can call it ok, the only relief I get is with pain killers and then that only stops me shaking like I have Parkinson's. I am trying to avoid taking them unless it becomes way to much.
I do not want more drugs and hate that I have to take anything at all.
I wake up thinking today is a better day but it doesn't last long hence it coming in waves.
I have little or no control and its frustrating.
I will make it to another doctor but am extremely disappointed in my specialist and his lack of care with my follow up post treatment.
I will be letting him know at my scheduled appointment in December.
I hope you are all well and look forward to catching up with you all.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Just For Fun

2007-10-31T17:51:00.000+10:00

Now Just for some fun I am reminded by my mates overseas that we have a bit of a different spin on things when we speak.
I do use slang a little when I speak but rarely when I write, sooooooo I thought it would be interesting to see if anyone gets this, Gypsy you will know the answers so be fair and let the others try and figure it out but I am sure you'll get a giggle.

I thought there are so many memes and quizes out there I thought I would put a new spin on things, this is open to everyone and lets see how good your aussie slang is.

Let me know in my comments when you've had a crack at it.

And dont bother usin speel check cause itl be screwed with outa doubt, ya may as well b pissin in the wind for all the good itl do ya. lol

Answer or explain the questions and I will post explanations in a few days.

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?

2. What is a bloody little beauty??

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a Bex and a bit of a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:

a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?

b) You're going home in the back of a ?

c) Fair crack of the ?

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. (what does this mean)

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Wally and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

12. Describe the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

13. In any two-hour period have you ever crashed someones joint eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

14. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

15. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

16. Do you own or have you ever owned a tinnie, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

22. What does sinkin piss at a mates joint and getten para mean?

23. Have you ever gone to the corner store for a dogs eye got pulled up by a bottle stooper because you were drivin unco so u got slapped with a green back fine due in 45 days?

24. Have you ever had a yak with an old codger while diggin a pit for the thunder box?

25. Have you ever been to dinner with someone in some flash joint who's pretty good on the fang then realised after u left you've saved some for ron all down the front of your flannie.

26. You go to the races and ya think ur on a sure thing, but ya nag runs like a hairy goat, probably a ring in and u loose all ya dosh so u bum a rodie before u hit the frog and toe drownin your sorrows at the local. When ya finally get home the missus is pissed and you go a few rounds in the kitchen before she kicks ur sorry bum to the curb. (explain his day)

27.Is this Fair? Fair dinkum you get up for a cooked brekkie Sunday mornin at sparrow fart expecting some soft bum nuts and damper but instead by the time the missus finishes fart arsen around its beer o'clock so u crack a darky as an excuse and just go to the local with the boys for a floater and a whinge instead. (what happened?)

Have Fun !!!!!!!

Freedom Writers

2007-10-24T18:10:00.000+10:00

I can finally recommend a movie that touched me, many of you may of heard of it and I don't usually talk about movies and say that people should watch it because there are so many different tastes among all of us but this movie is for everyone. It is inspiring thoughtful and its based on a true story that is touching and admirable.

Treatment being over has left me happy but not feeling well at all. I seem to be going through some withdrawals and I am just a bit yukky.

So with my roses on the table (from Ben "grin") a strong cup of tea and my blanket wrapped around me I settled in to watch a movie and relax.

I was a little unprepared for the gamut of emotions that welled up from deep inside me.

It touched me, it has everything a good movie should and it did its job.

I laughed, cried I became angry and relieved and in awe of this amazing woman who gave a shit and made a difference.

It bought up many discussions with my girls and I. From this we have made a conscious decision to research the true story in length and it also has opened up questions about the Holocaust and history. So the girls and I are going to make a trip to the library for some research.

If you could clone this teacher and have her in each and every school this world would be a far better place for our kids. So now I am watching it again (tears still flowing) before it goes back to the video store but be sure i will be buying this movie reading the books and diaries and getting into some projects with my girls. They both want to teach and what a fine example this woman has set for them. This is another web site to the Freedom Writers Foundation its really kool.

Now I know Patience isn't my strong suit but I just want to feel Healthy.

I haven't really felt well for the last 12 months and so knowing its over and so close is a real tease. Ben is telling me give yourself a break you've had a tough go of it and it will take time.............TIME Blah I am so over waiting but I will lol like i have a choice Hey? but anyway day by day i will regain my strength and hopefully my mind and I will be able to do the Master Cleanse like Thea did.

She had a diary of her cleanse and her tips will be invaluable to me when I start. I just cant wait to get into it and exercise pain free wake up and want to get out of bed. I am a little perturbed many things going through my friggin aching head man is it pumping to the point I am squinting one eye. I have so many damn questions about how I am feeling and no one really to ask. Are my headaches like a withdrawal thing or is it because I am now codeine dependant and the headaches are a craving of more drugs. I just don't know anymore. Ben's at work and will be every night this week and weekend and someone was killed last week doesnt help with contentment when I worry about him. I have him during the day but I am irritable and snappy and happy and sad and just well.........YUKKKKKKK

I am annoyed at myself i want to be happy grateful and positive about all this and I kinda am but I think I should feel better about it all but at the moment I am just cranky and its the not knowing what the F*#K I am supposed to feel as I have no gauge and its the same old story every ones different scenario. I am just venting I am not ungrateful and I do feel happy but lol when your head feels like its in a vice its hard to project joy. I better stop before I crack totally and go to bed and try to sleep. (Mmmm that's another thing i have been on sleeping tablets for 11 months will I not sleep when I wean off all the shit I don't want to need anything and I will really struggle with the cleanse in a few weeks with stopping those crutches I have relied on)

MMmmmmm Dreaming of the day I can kick a football go for a long walk with dog and just enjoy life again.

Enjoy your week Peace and Health To All XX

2007-10-23T16:56:00.000+10:00

Treatment Is OVER.................
Can you Believe It I spoke to the Specialist and
I am DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.....................................

2007-10-21T16:25:00.000+10:00

Do they stay the same ?
Do they change ?
Do you follow yours?
Do you help in others?
Do you have any?
Do you write them down?
Do you remember them?
Do you share them?
Do you keep them secret
Do you want them?

Well its been a tough week Health wise I am struggling a little, my body is tired and my head hurts with migraines that seem to be hitting me again with a vengeance.
I went to Ipswich taking Ben back out there 3am Monday morning I visited with my Mum who is a little unwell and also friends and family. Long days and the stress of not knowing what was happening with the job took its toll.
I had the shakes and body aches blinding headaches and a mountain of confusion but it was okay I managed with medication and plenty of rest now I am home. Ben is home also and he worked Friday and Saturday night his work finished out there for now so he is home until he is required again.
I am pretty happy about that as I like him near when I am little off its strange how unpredictable this treatment is but not long now and I can't wait till its over.
Thank you for your comments on Bianca its always good to off load a little piece of baggage that is weighing you down. I can talk about my past without being ashamed now. When I was younger I thought that i was deserving of bad things. it takes a lot to realise that bad things happen to good people and you can only do the best you can.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Bianca- Part 3

2007-10-18T09:39:00.000+10:00

It had been many,many years since I seen Bianca when I returned to Brisbane with my kids. My return initially is a whole nother story. But going through my boxes I found a letter from Bianca that I thought I had lost. It got me thinking again about her being gone and whether what I was told was true. Being back after so many years had me a little unsettled as well as the break down of my marriage and many memories of my life here flooded back.
B was a good person but had an addiction that compromised what she stood for. She was devastated by what had happened to me but I forgave her even though I dont know if she knew that, it really could of happened any way Rohypnol was a huge problem for awhile and I wasn't the only girl affected by it.
I started with the phone book again to try and find her family. I didn't have a photo of her and I badly wanted one. I thought enough time had passed to be able to ask that favour and not have it be to hurtful.
I finally got an Aunt who could help, I was a little overwhelmed but she was really nice and we chatted for a moment when she asked if I knew she had passed away. I told her I had and that I was devastated by the news and at the time I tried to get a hold of someone but being in Cairns made it difficult. The conversation went a little strange when I asked for her mums number, she said it may be a little early to speak to her as she is still very upset. I was a little shocked when she said early. Now I know the death of a child is something you could never get over but it had been 10 years and I knew her mum. The aunt continued and said the funeral was beautiful but it was really hard on her husband being left with all the kids 1 month before their wedding.
I just went silent I stuttered out some jiberish not knowing what was going on.
She picked up on my shock when she asked when the last time I spoke to her was and I told her it had been many years and that I was told she had passed away, like 10 years before.
She went silent.................the conversation continued with an awe of mystery her words dropping me to my knees.
I am so sorry sweet heart Bianca only passed away 2 weeks ago. I couldn't speak I know we were talking about the same person I had confirmed that early but I couldn't comprehend what I was hearing. She went on to talk to me for an hour to fill me in on everything ten years earlier she had indeed overdosed and it was touch and go, she had been put into a rehab facility and also spent time in jail but survived and finally became clean having 3 kids to different relationships. It had been only the last 3 years she was in a stable relationship with an amazing man who became daddy to her three babes and they were planning to marry. As if the conversation couldn't become any more bizarre than that. The final blow was that she also had 4 week old twins to her new man. I just cried and cried trying to keep it together as the poor aunt was also in a terrible position. She told me to ring her fiance as he was good man and would speak to me and tell me what had happened she gave me his number and told me he lived with their kids in a suburb only 15 mins from where I was, that was just the final straw.
I hung up the phone in shock trying to absorb what I had been told. How could this be, I tried to find out, obviously not hard enough. What had happened? how could I have just given up, if I had of tried harder I may not of missed out on so many years and to know she was only up the road had me beside myself with guilt and grief. So many thoughts if I had of done this a few weeks earlier I may have been able to see her, touch her, hug her one more time. I could of told her I forgave her and that it wasn't her fault.
It took me a few days to phone Bill, it was the hardest call I had ever had to make. This strange man who I didn't know and who probably had never heard of me who just lost the love of his life and the mother of his new born twins. It was daunting to say the least but I had to know. The phone was ringing for what seemed an eternity and a soft spoken man answered the phone. I stuttered a little and told him that I was sorry to disturb him and that I had been speaking to Kate and she gave me his number. He was lovely and told me it was okay as I proceeded to tell him who I was. I explained that I was a very old friend and that I hadn't spoken to B in many years and I have just moved back to Brisbane. He asked my name and when I told him the phone went silent, I kind of felt really awkward and apologised for ringing and that I should probably leave him to it. He stopped me and said it was okay he knew who I was.........what?
You have heard of me his reply even softer. The tenderness in his voice was apparent and his willingness to speak to me surprising. He asked me what I knew, I told him the story of thinking she had been gone for many years and that I just cant believe she was still alive or only just now passed. He said that she didn't think I wanted contact with her anymore and she just wanted me to be happy in my life so she severed all ties.
The morning she died he told me that she had been well, nothing out of the ordinary when she got up at like 6am to feed the twins she turned to him and said she had a bit of a headache then collapsed. Not regaining consciousness due to a burst aneurysm in her brain. I am just beside myself at this stage trying to understand what the hell was going on. I tried to calm down and asked about her kids he told me about her 2 older boys and then her daughter and their twin boys he continued to tell me about her little girl and how she was just like B then he paused which seemed like forever and said that little shazzie her daughter was beautiful.
WHAT? what did you say.
He confirmed to say that her only daughter was named after me the best friend she ever had.
I was floored to say the least and heart broken by the time missed in our lives.
My friend was indeed gone but not when I thought and she honoured me by naming her only daughter after me.

From Tradition to Truth
"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with loving kindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's."(Psalm 103:2-5)

Part 2- Bianca and me

2007-10-16T19:45:00.000+10:00

Bianca and I started spending more and more time together we had a lot in common and we had a lot of fun together. We surfed and went to the beach danced t]after my shifts in the club, yes I started working ther not long after as a topless waitress the money was good the drinks for courage was free and no one new I was still in school I led a double life. Bianca was funny and a good friend but I soon found out that there was a lot she was hiding, including an addiction to heroin. Needless to say it was a roller coaster ride being with her when she was up and also down. All though she wasn't to bad in the beginning she thought she had it under control she didn't. I was with her when she was going through withdrawals hocking what ever she could for one more hit. She joined the methadone program but that only kept her going in between scoring the good stuff. I met people I wish I hadn't, I seen things, I wish I had never seen.

I saw people over dose, ambulances being called police turning up running so as not to be caught in the middle of something that was going on, none of it pleasant. At times she would get food from the salvation army and money from welfare to live. I would go home to my Nana's occasionally just to let her know I was okay and rang her daily but she was terrified of what was going on and where I was. I could of quite easily tried it but I hated needles and was petrified of it.Many tried to get me to try it but Bianca would not let anyone near me, she was very protective and thought of me like a little sister and she didnt want me to go through what she was, one of her better moments of clarity. We both got work as dancers outside my regular 2 nights a week, we found a flat in the valley that was cheap enough to afford and we would walk to work every night school was in the past and I was making really good money. We didn't always work in the same club but always met after work to go home together. A lot of my money went on her habit but I didn't mind because I hated seeing her sick. We had numerous jobs Dancing on stage and in cages with hot pants and skimpy clothes I had a regular job Thursday and Friday nights topless waitressing in the club where Tony worked and that was when I was still at school so I still had that but I worked in bars did stag nights, bikini and lingerie parades at functions and clubs. I wasn't into drugs all that much but I did drink a lot I had to just to relax and do what I had to do I was very shy believe it or not. I had rent to pay I was on my so you did what I had to do.

Back then the club I worked in was a theatre club the shows were as tasteful as a club like that can be there were g-string rules or thongs what ever you prefer and no touching. Things were preety good for awhile but it got harder for B and she needed more and more I couldn't keep up with her habit and neither could she financially, so I started to take speed to work day and night but it wasn't my thing I couldn't function and started to loose way to much weight. I did it so I could work at night and then as a receptionist in a house that sent out call girls B started to work in there but she was not answering the phone like me.The girls were really nice and I tried to pick and choose the jobs she got sent too. That didn't last too long thank goodness as I hated seeing some of the girls coming back to the house beaten and bruised because a customer wasn't happy. The first time she seen me cry after she came back made her realise we had to do something different.We decided to try and get her off the gear I locked us in a room for 4 days and she cried and screamed and rocked in my arms for every hour we were in there. We finally came out she looked like hell and we hoped the worst was over. She stayed clean for a while and the money we made was ours to just have fun with. Things were pretty good we worked our regular jobs went to dance classes and hung out at the beach.

One night things took a turn that would change things for ever it all went horribly wrong she buckled under the pressure and was gone for a long time from the club. I waited and waited but I didn't see her again for about 3 days. That night didn't just end badly for her it turned into a nightmare for me also.

One minute I was talking and dancing with friends after my shift behind the bar, the next thing I knew I woke up in our flat with a black eye fat lip bruises and covered in blood. I was naked and my front door was wide open Bianca was no where to be seen and I didn't have any recollection from the night before. I locked the door and hid. When she didn't show up all that next night I feared the worse. I wasn't game to leave the flat I was scared and alone with no phone no friend and not actually being able to recall what had been done to me I was feeling scared sore and very alone. When I didn't show for work a security friend of mine Des came to see why, as I never missed a shift. There was a knock at the door but I was to scared to answer it until I heard his voice and knew it was him. I opened the door and fell into his arms crying uncontrollably he tried to find out what had happened but I didn't know I had spent half the day and night in the shower the water muffling my cries as I looked in the mirror when I finally got out I hardly recognized the person staring back at me and neither did he. After being there for a few hours he went back to the club and questioned the bouncers that were on the night before and they said that I had left with a man whom they had seen before but was not a regular and thought I was just drunk he said he was going to walk me home and I apparently brushed off there concerns. When Des came back he took me to the hospital and they ran tests and found traces of Rohypnol (the date rape drug) in my system and that I indeed had been raped. I refused help and would not talk to the cops I left the hospital and just went home praying that B would be home when I got there I was so worried about her but she wasn't and O was alone.

I had to stay at the flat because I couldn't go home to Nana's looking the way I did, she would of had a heart attack and I refused to speak to police because I was too scared. Bianca came home 2 days later as high as a kite and my face said a thousand words I told her what happened she was very sorry but that just didn't cut it this time. She should of been with me or at least told me she was leaving. There were so many good times in between the shit and I loved her a lot but that was a huge wake up call for me and I couldn't live like that any more. I couldn't help her or my self, the drugs were her friend not me and so that ended our friendship at that time and when the bruising went down I went back to my Nana's.

It just wasn't the same after that I couldn't relate to any one, my friends from school were doing there own things and I stayed away from the clubs and the whole city scene for a while. I finally decided to travel I had to get out of Brisbane and so that started a new chapter in my life I was going to go around Australia work and see the sites of our big vast country put the hurt and pain of my past behind me and I just wanted to be a new person. It had all been to much from the age of 13 I left home because my mum was an alcoholic and her boyfriend abused me. It seemed all down hill from there. I can reflect on those times and just be thankful I'm alive my life could of turned out very differently and I know that.

I did see Bianca again she was with a dance troop in Cairns and she found out my number through my Nana. She came to see me while Glenn was at work, she looked good she was clean and had been for 6 months she wanted me to go back to Sydney with her to start again and be friends dance in the troop and travel Australia but I was settled I was married and pregnant I wasn't going any where she was hurt but I had changed and I was happy.

I only heard from her a few times after that some letters and a couple of phone calls. I heard after Danicka was born that she died of an overdose and I was devastated no matter the past I loved her very much and was crushed by the news. I tried everyone I used to know to find out if it was true no one knew, I wrote letters from her old address and they were returned I presumed the news to be true. It wasn't until I left my ex 15 years later and was back in Brisbane that I went through my old letters and hers struck a chord in me again. I felt as though I needed to know more so I called her Family, it took a while but I went through the phone book and got on to an Aunt of hers. Then began a whole new story that floored me beyond belief.

Until then. Peace and Health To You All XXXX

Part 1- Bianca

2007-10-14T08:47:00.000+10:00

Its funny how you wake up one morning and start off on your normal routine of getting up brushing your teeth making a cuppa thanking god that today you can even get of bed, then the strangest of memories pops into your head. This happened today and it rolled on to a bombardment of visual memories some good, some that just freaked me out and had me shaking my head in dismay wondering how in the hell I survived such times.
An angel on my side? the thought of a pre-determined destiny that just caught me short of taking my life so I was around to tell the tale today.
I am not a writer by most peoples definitions I have never studied and I haven't read as much as should of or would of liked. I have never had the creative need to write poetry or stories that overtake some people nor was I inspired to use amazing words that jump out to some one who reads them. Until I started blogging I wrote for myself or to get a point across to someone close to me and that hasn't changed, I just write what I am thinking and I think my lack of vocabulary shows but my honesty and feelings seem to jump out and sometimes strike a chord and I must admit I like that.
Poetry was always scribbled down in a book or what ever I could find just to release my pain or my happiness then I would tear it up so it no one ever knew mw or my secrets to intimatly.
I had an English teacher at school who was my friend, my teacher and my football coach, he was a tough teacher but I respected him(usually because my punishment for not doing my work was no sport) I think about him now, what would of happened had I not been so rebellious and actually handed in the words that I so frequently wrote down for my eyes only.
Maybe I would have a lot of inspirational words instead of just thoughts and odd memories to share in my new found release. Sharing seems to lessen the burdens of my past and I appreciate those who stop by to share.

Getting off track hough my thoughts this morning turned towards an very old friend of mine that I was extremely close to and I do think about her often and the experiences we shared when I was just 15 years old. She was 19 at the time and I looked up to her as one of those beautiful people that you just see float around a light up a room, she was gorgeous and bubbly with a great sense of fashion and I strived to be as happy as she came across. It wasn't until we got to know each other really well that I found ot she had on a huge facade for people just like me and in many ways we were very much alike and we bonded through unspoken words.
Maybe that was what drew me to her, maybe we became so close because we were both very lonely and displaced just looking for something real outside of the smoke screen of having it all together like the one that we both became so well at portraying.
I was working in night clubs then just in bars and night clubs, before finishing school and not being allowed back for my last 2 senior years (another story) I had just moved back to my Nana's out of my own flat after being robbed of everything I had and met a man who introduced me to a club in the city. We met at a paddock where I kept my horse, he was my only true confident at the time and I spent every day with him riding all through the bush, swimming in the river and just hanging out I even slept in the paddock under the stars sometimes. I went to school when I felt like it.
Tony had just moved his horses their and it was raining this day. I had taken off my jeans and shirt off and was riding in my bikinis as I needed something dry to hitchhike home in. Their was a big straight that I used to gallop up full speed form the bottom as our last run for the day and with out a saddle and just a rope halter that I put together my horse sometimes would shy if there was something new in our way. Back then I spent a lot of time off him more than on until I could afford a bridle. Anyway we headed for the straight as the rain poured down towards the gate at the top where I knew either way he had to stop lol. We were running full pelt when I got to the top to see a new horse float and 2 new horses and 2 men I'd ever never seen, by the time I spotted them it was too late and my horse shit himself and tried to stop way before I was ready and we both slid through the mud, him in one direction and me around his neck I couldn't hang on any longer and off I went face first into the mud, arms and legs every where right in front of 2 strangers. I was fairly shy then unless I was drunk and so embarrassed that I had no control of my horse in front of new people. I was trying to get the mud out of my eyes when I was being nudged by my horse who was almost laughing at my situation as he did, when I felt myself being lifted into somebodies arms. Then I found myself quickly dropped on my ass and a man shriek in pain. My horse didn't like strangers hated men and was very protective of me kinda like a pit bull. He bit this man on the shoulder for touching me and it gave him such a fright he dropped me damn quickly then my horse stood over the top of me nudging him out of the way. It was pretty funny when I finally cleared my eyes and got up. Luckily The guy was not too perturbed although rather sore and we started talking about the paddock and trail rides I knew that were good and he asked if I would take them on a few just to show them the area. I agreed and instead of hitchhiking to my horse everyday he would pick me up and we would ride and hang out with the horses during the day it was fun to have someone else to talk to. After a few weeks he asked me how old I was and not wanting to spoil things I lied and told him I was 19 in reality, I was only 14 but I did look a lot older. He asked if he could take me to dinner and a show and I agreed I had never heard of the place where we were going but I was game.
We had dinner and then went to the city where he introduced to a couple of girls outside the club and said I should sit with them during the show because he was in it. My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I walked into all these hot guys parading around in g strings and bow ties serving drinks to a bunch of ga ga women ranging in age of 18 to 80. My jaw dropped even further when the show began and my new friend came out in a ninja outfit wielding samurai swords and nun chucks stripping down to a cowboy outfit and then to just a cape. Anyway I became a regular there on ladies nights and men's nights and that is where I met Bianca she knew the DJ and so did I so we used to sit with him and help him choose the music we wanted to hear and dance too.

Our whirlwind friendship began from there in a strip club when I was only 14 years old.

......................................................... more tomorrow.

Peace and Health To All XXX

Wankers !!!!!

2007-10-12T07:17:00.000+10:00

Its now Friday and the week has just flown by, not without some incidents that just had me wreathing with dis belief at peoples ethics. I have really mellowed over the last few years believe it or not I used to be pretty feisty ;) Everyone has noticed the difference in the last few months more so then ever before. I am just so calm and its not just because I have been too sick. I just have a lot of peace in my heart.

There are some things however that get me wanting to tear someones throat out. Now that my sound extreme but I seriously don't suffer fools or liars easily and I refuse to be ripped off ever again, I believe people should be accountable for their actions and take responsibility when they F**K UP. I am the first to try and rectify a problem if its my fault and I follow this through in my work ethics. I believe you should take pride in you work and offer the very best workmanship of your ability and if there's a problem and you have been paid but it stuffs up you cop it sweet and fix it. Isn't the customer your most valuable asset in business? I believe a happy customer is the best free advertising that you can get.

Not all business owners are like that and they are out for the quick buck and screw the consequences. Once there paid there money there is no care or responsibility. I came across one of those people this week, we had paid good money to do a job in a certain time frame for Ben to be on site this first Monday morning.
As the job is so far from home when there was a problem with the workmanship and we started to loose money by not being able to work we were unhappy and then when we had to pay another guy to do the job that wasn't finished I became a little agitated. I calmly rang the guy who originally did the work and explained the situation and asked if he had any suggestions on how we could rectify the problem of his work being shit. He told me to wait a second as he would speak to his worker who did the job. The man is an idiot because he didn't choose to put me on hold he only removed the phone from his ear. I could hear his conversation with this boy. He then got on the phone and lied right to me. I couldn't believe my ears and so the sarcastic nature that lurks below the surface of my sub conscious reared its ugly head and I proceeded to listen intently before asking this man was he sure this was the road he wanted to travel down with me as I am a little upset at the drama his less than satisfactory work has caused.
He paused, obviously not comprehending my words.
So I quoted his conversation with his worker and told him maybe he should consider a new phone that has a hold button so the person he was trying to screw didn't hear his plan (what a shmuck)
Now this is the reason I don't lie, One I am really bad at it and two I accept responsibility for my actions there is no shame in saying sorry and admitting a mistake that may or may not be an accident. I wasn't going to argue I just said that if we couldn't make it work out and I had to pay someone again for the job he didn't do then I would bill him for time lost and for the cost of getting some one else to do his job properly. He was not very nice about it but he knew I had the upper hand and tried to be helpful (what ever) I had to ring again the next day this time more of what he had done was not working and it had Ben unable to do his job. So I was back on the blower to this man. The call didn't go well and ended with him swearing at me and hanging up. I really have a problem with incompetent wankers that just try to rip people off and I hate being hung up on, so I jumped in my car and drove to his workshop frothing at the mouth. He was just as unreceptive as he was on the phone until other customers walked into the office.
Uhhh a change of tune maybe a little weakness your mine dick head.
I regained my composure as I seen a little fear in his eyes as he back peddled and tried to be very helpful in front of his new customers, all the while gritting his teeth. Know I could of just made a real idiot out of him by bringing myself down to his level and calling him numerous names and cussing as he did to me, instead I slowly but assertively made him squirm and I got almost everything I wanted including staying respectful with out being shit on.
Wether he has learnt a lesson or not is not my problem but trying to argue with a woman who is missing her man isnt very smart. How can you argue when your wrong any way.

The only thing I didn't get was someone to take the new parts out to Ben. So I had to drive a couple of hours to take it to him that night not getting home until after midnight. It was worth it though because I had 5 mins of just being held in Ben's arms and now he will be home tonight so I am very excited.

Injection went well yesterday 4 more injections and 5 weeks of meds but that's cool i am feeling pretty well these days. Its been great having Ammi here we are very much alike and enjoy hanging out often till the early hours of the morning. I am back to bed to rest but will catch up with you all soon.

Have a great weekend XXXX

Missing Ben

2007-10-07T20:55:00.000+10:00

Its Sunday night and the prospect of not seeing Ben for a whole week is hitting home with a hard thud. I have just said goodnight and pathetically I'm holding back the tears, I am such a sooky LA LA. This will be the longest we have ever been apart and its funny most people enjoy the break but Ben and I don't feel that way and never have. We enjoy each others company we just enjoy each other. Now don't get me wrong I am not saying we don't argue because we do but we resolve things really quickly .

Ammi has come up for the week to take my mind off things and just hang out which is really cool. It has been such a stressful few days trying to get machinery organised and try and make sure every things in order and he worked night shifts both Friday and Saturday night so it left little time for us. it might be sickening but I love him more today than i did when we fist met and not being close to him daily is going to be a really trying time for me and him.

Its now 2am and I am waiting for him to get up I am going to cook him breakfast and say my last goodbyes or see ya later which is a term I much prefer. I didn't go to sleep until 5.30am so today I have been tired Its now 10.30pm Monday night and my hearts just not into writing and plus Ammi and I talk each others ear off.
So I will catch up with you all soon.

Sending you lots of Peace and good Health xxxx

Dribble...................

2007-10-05T22:19:00.000+10:00

The people who love me will get me and those who don't, don't matter. Its taken me a lot of years to accept that I am who I am, good, bad and indifferent. I have accepted that I am a good person and bad things happen every day to good people and that's no excuse for treating others badly so I try not to.
Realistically I should of pursued a career in acting I would be a very wealthy woman. I can put on a happy face and put myself in any position and no one would ever know my pain.
People deal with things differently, I am one to laugh and joke, make fun of myself and pretend every things fine then cry myself to sleep.

It works for me, there are a few who see straight through me but they respect they way I deal with things. I try not to dwell on the past and remember all the good things in my life.

I have opened up on here more than I ever have. I'm very private (not now lol) and always had a fear of showing that I hurt or admitting failure in any sense of the word. I always have this facade of being okay and being able to handle everything.

And it may be a contradiction but usually I can.
I am not saying there is anything wrong now, because there isn't but having a conversation with someone who knows me very very well we talked about how we see each other and how we think each other feels and were pretty spot on with those thoughts. Its nice to openly discuss how you feel or how you felt about something when you have forgiven and that's where I am at. My problem is i want everyone to be okay and I so want to help him through his pain. He knows I understand but that is why he feels less secure in himself, because he knows me so well and I am ok and he is not at the moment but its all so raw and he has had a big last 6 years.

There is no measuring stick on ones pain and just because his perception of mine is worse in some cases, it is not because its his and its happening now. I am so proud of how he has handled things and do not think I would cope as well i just need him to see that so he too feels at ease in himself and realises he has so much to offer through his own experiences.

I can be very open about my past s has read things he never knew especially here and my friend of nearly 30 years couldn't understand why he I never turned to him or any one but I didn't and I find it hard to hear that people are proud of me for coping and that they think a lot of me.

I still find it hard to accept even though I know I'm a good person but I still feel un-deserving of some of the blessings in my life.

If I was to psycho analyse myself I would say it stems from being abused, trauma in my early years the loss of a parent and moving out of home when I was 13, going through so much when I was young and experiencing so much in my life but what I cant understand is others hurting other people and using there childhood as an excuse for being mean and hurting other people because it happened to them.

I am the opposite I wouldn't wish pain or heartache on anybody especially if i have experienced it first hand. It has always interested me to see how people deal with pain and loss, stressful situations and trauma in their lives. Not because I'm morbid but to soak up knowledge on how to pass something on that maybe an inspirational tale to some one else in need. I love being needed I love helping others and tend to get so much out of putting a smile on someones otherwise sad face.

I refer to this articles and this that I read in the news and seriously am at a loss for words.
I don't understand vendetta or revenge I don't understand people who don't smile at you when you smile it costs nothing, or they think your want something from them when you offer a helping hand.

Its sad and it upsets me that people are so sceptical but I do understand. I'm not really going anywhere with this post just having a ramble its late and Ben's working and the girls are still on holidays so the house is very quiet and I'm feeling as though I'm missing Ben already and he hasn't even left yet.

I am putting on that brave face for him as he would crumble if he thought I was really upset so I am keeping up a brave face but its going to be tough, we are together every day and the thought of minimum time with him is a lot to soak up.

The girls are really going to miss him as well but we will deal with it just like we do everything else and make the most of every moment we get to spend with each other. Well there it is, a confused mixture of tiredness and the fact that its really late forgive me for my midnight dribble.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Tattoos and Work Prospects

2007-10-03T18:38:00.000+10:00

Well excitement all round.

I have lots of news.

First of all the first this first photo is where it all started.

This is my baby, in the tattoo realm we call it a clean skin.

Ben has no tattoos this was the last time I seen him un inked.

The stencil was on, then the freehand drawing began 6 months in the planning and phase 1 began.

Two hours getting what he wanted drawn on and then the magic began.

Six hours later,* hours all up...... I know we breed em tough over here, he was finished the first part of his sleeve. LOL

Here are some more close ups. I love it and so does Ben.

He will have a few more sessions to go but it was a great start.

Then today Ben has scored a job through our business that may have him in regular work for a very long time and on really good money so pray it all comes to fruition. The only down side to this is he will only be home on weekends I

Laughter at My expense

2007-10-01T15:16:00.000+10:00

The day before Ben's party Pete my oldest friend came up to visit it was his first big trip since his mum passed away so it was good to see him. Since treatment to say I have been very loopy is an understatement. I have no memory, I have no real thought process and I get a little confused. Its really kind of funny and you have to laugh other wise you'd cry but my friends and family aren't the most sympathetic lot don't get me wrong they are very good but we have a real prankster kind of family and any chance to laugh at their expense we go for it so it has been open slather on me and I have to admit its really funny. Or maybe I have a warped sense of humour. Well any way I had just gone inside to organise dinner and Ben and pete were outside.

Ben walked in asked if I needed a hand and asked me to get the Vodka bottle out of the freezer stupid me obliges not giving his request a second thought and so I opened the freezer which is huge and Pete jumped out i screamed at the top of my lungs followed by roars of laughter from everyone at my expense he said the look on my face was priceless my heart was poundig a 100 miles an hour I nearly peed right then and there it was so funny. I hope you have laughter in your lives and had a great weekend.

Bubbles and Dreams

2007-09-30T20:40:00.000+10:00

Home Alone conjures images of a quiet night maybe a scented bath with bubbles candles and music. Nothing to do or think about as their are no kids no Ben the house is mine to do with what I please. Some people long for just 5 mins of peace and quiet time alone and nothing to do. I sometimes feel that way but not tonight Kyle left for Brisbane as he starts a new job Ben is working security in at Noosa (that scares the hell out of me) and the girls are in Yeppoon with my sisters and my birth mum. The silence is deafening and I miss the laughter and the hectic scenes of my Family. I should be taking advantage of the stillness enjoying the coolness of the night after the very warm days but I'm unsettled and dare I say NO I'm not bored I swear you know that word erks me I'm just displaced. I have been looking at wedding dresses and wedding stuff on line and I am apprehensive what dress what flowers what kind of ceremony now I know we want low key something maybe on the beach relaxed and casual. I am excited for the first time though about the day, setting a date, no matter that its a year from now. I am trying to picture it and I cant I am so indecisive and so is Ben hes one not to think too much about it until its closer but I want for once in my life to be organised. With this I laugh as I am so not organised as much as would love to be its not in my nature and I work really well under pressure. Planning shmaning I am so not good at it. I am not traditional in the sense of this huge Gala affair I like low key small groups and relaxed times.
Some suggestions would be great as I just don't know. My first was in a court house and all though I meant my vows I was 16 years old and really I think that says it all.

This time is different I can see myself growing old with this man no question about it. I believe God had a plan for us both and we are moving within that plan towards a life of love and happiness. I like every other girl in the world wants that one memorable day I never thought much about it but it some how now seems important we will finally be husband and wife and I'm kinda thinking its a good thing. The kids are so excited they cant wait they have been wanting this since we moved in together. I feel a little ridiculous since i was the one was never going to marry again my thoughts were that we had made a commitment to each other and we didn't need a piece of paper to clarify that and I still don't maybe its an excuse for a party lol I could go with that but I would be lieing, its something I really want to do and that's a very new feeling for me, as much as I loved Ben the whole 2nd husband thing went against my grain.

I am kinda like a giddy school girl crazy in love with the man of my dreams. Now I am sure my anonymous readers (you know who you are)will be pissing themselves laughing about now and trying to think of something to bag me about, as I talk tough but they see straight through me and know how I feel.

I have accepted that I now have 6 weeks to go not what I initially thought but I'm okay with that.

I have changed my mind and I am up for a bubble bath candles and all ;)

Miss -Calculation

2007-09-28T10:47:00.000+10:00

Well I am a little perturbed at the moment i thought i had 4 weeks to go. I just checked how many injections I had left and there are 6 thats 6 more weeks not 4. I rang my doctor and hes not there I tried to work it out with the nurse but she seems to think I have missed 2 and that cant be the case i have been diligent with my meds a few mishaps with tablets twice a day but i haven't missed a needle as much as I wanted to believe me. So I don't know guys, looks like i have 6 more injections to go, not happy but its okay whats another two weeks in the big scheme of things.
I had my injection yesterday I am tired and have a headache but otherwise feeling okay. This cough is a little persistent but i am not complaining about that its just a wintery thing and with my white cell count so low I am grateful for not being on antibiotics. i spoke to my darling friend Beck today the first time since little Joshua was born and hearing him gurgle in the back ground made me feel all warm and fuzzy, they are just the perfect little family and Joshua is one lucky little man.
Its getting really hot, now I love summer but I'm just too tired to go out and enjoy the warmth of the sun. We had a lot of rain over the last few weeks, so the mozzies are on the hunt and they love me, worst luck but the joys of summer in Australia are mozzies and flies, spiders and mice. Our snakes are on the move in summer but I like snakes and spiders, really i do.
The spiders eat mozzies and the snakes eat the mice its a natural cycle. See there very handy and I kinda like em. Strange for a girl I know but i always have. LOL
Cockroaches on the other hand make my skin crawl they make me scream and do a rain dance i have been reduced to tears by cockies but snakes and spiders i usually put them in a safe spot away from Ben and his thongs.
Quote "I don't do spiders or snakes" he is a princess like that ;)
Now I haven't a lot to say these days i am very bland and just biding my time the counteractive drugs numb me a little and its still hard to find things to say but i am trying to post every few days just to stay in touch.

Kyle likes Spiders aswell this is one he took outside last night.

Peace and health To All XXXX

The internet changed my life

2007-09-26T13:51:00.000+10:00

26th of September 2001 is a date Il never forget this day changed my life forever. Now normally when I start a post this way I continue on to talk about a devastating event that shattered my world. This post is different on this day 6 years ago I looked into the eyes of a man I fell in love with instantly. In fact I knew I loved him even before we met.

I had just got the internet and was a complete novice but it was a year and a half after I left an abusive marriage and I wanted to upgrade my skills and enter into a world of something new that I had heard so much about. I was finally content with just my kids and I but after they were in bed I would chat online to strangers from all over the world and also locally.
I never dated all though there were many opportunitys but I wasn't about to compramise the up bringing of my children by adding new men into there lives because it just wasnt me.

It was a tough time money wise and they were still adjusting to the divorce but I enjoyed talking and reading and getting familiar but in an anonymous way. When i first left i was a mess and my kids suffered terribly with my eratic behaviour but I was finally at a point were I was just happy and content.

I had never met anyone that I spoke to online and no intentions of ever doing so. Then my girlfriend and I were chatting when a particular person stood out, he sounded kind hearted and very sweet there was no exchange of pictures just a lot of talk we got to talk regularly and for hours and she ended up letting him call. She dated frequently off the net and because she signed in on my computer he thought she was me sometimes. It was funny because she arranged to meet him one night and I chickened out I awas such a sook and quite happy to babysit her daughter and stay at home with the kids while she enjoyed a some what colourful social life.

They met on the 25th of september and he was shocked when he met someone who was the opposite description of me. He questioned her and she fessed up that I was at home. They got on really well but he wanted to meet me so the next day was his birthday and I went with her to pick up a friend to go out or so I thought. I had no idea it was our Islander77.

We stopped at the ferry and this tall well built gut started walking towards the car he was exactly as he described and I punched her in the arm out of shock and said this better not be who I think it is. She proceeded to laugh and snort and say GOTCHA.

I was very shy and could feel my cheeks getting redder with every step closer as he jumped in the back seat. They said hello as I was frozen to the seat cursing under my breath a hand came from behind me extended in introduction, I turned and looked into the biggest greenest eyes I had ever seen my hand shook his, slipping off as my palms were so sweaty my heart beating 100miles an hour and I stuttered out a Hi.

I laughed nervously and said it was a surprise to meet him that I had no idea he was coming.

He just smiled and said it was good to finally meet me as well. I turned to the front giving my friend an evil eye and a slight poke of my tongue as we headed back to our side of town .we chatted as I sat nervously trying to catch a glimpse of his reflection in the mirrors. Then I started to panic. He wasn't coming to stay at my damn house, now I was Ga Ga but not stupid I didn't know him, he was a stranger and I wasn't having a strange man near my kids but I did kinda know him and pretty well, well enough to know I was in love with a stranger but not well enough to have him in my house.

Typing and chatting can't tell you that you can trust someone. What the hell was going on this was weird I had butterflys and nervous laugh. He stayed at my friends house and I spent the whole night wondering what they were talking about. I didnt sleep a wink.

But his eyes OMG those big green eyes told all. I seen to the depths of his soul and knew he was just what he portrayed it took no time at all but my heart melted for this man that I met online.

We spent the next day talking and talking and more talking we just clicked he was just as I imagined, I was scared that I could fall for someone so quickly there were so many things against us in my mind and I tried to play it cool. PFtTTT he knew he could see straight through me. He could also see my pain and my reluctance to form a relationship. I had made many mistakes and my kids were my first priority.

The next 3 weeks was amazing though we really got to know each other well and found we had the same principles and thoughts on almost everything. I let him meet my kids and he stayed over on the weekends but on the couch and he didn't mind a bit. We have been together ever since and I wouldn't change a thing, we have grown together laughed and cried together and we have loved together through the best and the worst of it all. He is what i dreamed a man would be all though we have had tough times we are both stubborn and we have our future as a common goal and our Love for each other and our family. How did a broken hearted mother of four who has so much baggage snag such an amazing man.

I still ask myself how and why but I believe we were and are meant to be a family and we will make it official on September 27 2008 after 7 years together. I was never going to re-marry once was enough but we live as a married committed couple and we want this and in 12 months time it will be official. He asked me twice before I said yes, most men would of given up on this girl but not Ben he was just as hooked as I was and we have made it work and I am so grateful for his persistence.This treatment has been a true test for us but it has only made us stronger and we appreciate each other all the more for it.

My prayer is that my children find a partner that is as loving and as special as their new daddy.

He would do anything for me and our kids and they adore him just as much as i do.

Peace and Health To All xxx

Parties ROCK

2007-09-25T19:20:00.000+10:00

What can I say but Parties Down Under ROCK

we had a ball.

I only had 3 drinks over 6 hours and was a little on the pissy side LOL we pulled an all nighter watching the sun come up and laughed until my voice was lost. There were about 40 people close friends and family we drank ate sang and danced the night away. Ben had a great time and tomorrow is his actual birthday and his birthday marks the day we met so I will fill you in on that over the next few days I'm still feeling well so I am very happy at the moment.

I hope your all well I will catch you all soon.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Birthdays-Buddies and Tagged

2007-09-20T08:13:00.000+10:00

Katie the gorgeous girl from the UK has tagged me.
The name of the game is to:List one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don't have a middle name, use the name you would have liked to have had. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog post containing your middle name game facts. At the end of your blog post you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

L would have to be for Love. I love my family and my friends there is nothing that I wouldn't do for those I love even to my own detriment.
E would have to be for Empathise. There is a huge difference between sympathy and empathy and few people get the difference. I try to be more empathetic than sympathetic and the fact i have experienced so much in my life I think I achieve that, or at least I hope so.
A would have to be for Attitude. I'm full of attitude I stand up for right and wrong and I tend to express that a lot. I try to do it without malice or judgement but I have never been backward in coming forward.

So that's it not very exciting as I have a short middle name but I tried ;)
I will Tag Deb-Vanessa-Wanda-Dana-Jen

Last night i cooked a huge lasagna and went over to an old girlfriends house who just moved up here. She is now only 20mins away instead of 2 1/2 hours and I love I am so excited to have someone closer. We have known each other for24 years and she is classic. Her kids are adorable and they are just over joyed to know there going to see us on a regular basis. Well Ben's 30th Birthday party is on Saturday night and people are arriving from today so we will have a house full of friends and family and I cant wait. I had my injection this morning and I'm feeling a little tired but other than that perfectly well. Peter arrives today he is doing pretty well its hard to believe its been nearly 2 months since his mumma died. He is up and down at the moment but that's expected I think hes coping really well under the circumstances.
Well that's it for me I will post many pictures from the Party so stay safe and enjoy the rest of your week.
Peace and Health To All XXX

My Baby He is so cute !!!!!!

Praise God

2007-09-18T20:34:00.000+10:00

Well Specialist day today: White cell count very low: Liver function tests high not good: hemoglobin steady but not a lot of good news concerning my test results.

That's the only down side to this post because I feel great really great and I Praise God for it completely, there are big changes and miracles happening everywhere at the moment and I fully believe that he's involved in healing me both spiritually and physically.

I'm really excited at how well I feel and my doctor was in shock the look of disbelief at how well I looked was evident.

His grey eye brows furrowed as he looked over his glasses that hung low on his nose.

He presumed by my bloods that I would be in really bad shape considering hospitalization.

He soon had a look of surprise and elation as the smile stuck firmly to my face as I proceeded to tell him I don't care what the tests say I am feeling fantastic and I do, I feel good, really good.

I have had prayers from some very powerful people and the big fella is certainly got his hand on me. Most of you know how much my faith means to me but I don't discuss it at length as my Faith is mine and private.

I just cant explain the peace in my heart though and how I feel him carrying me through all of this I would of been lost and I'm sure in hospital if he wasn't protecting me right now.

I refer to Luke 6:19

Anyway I'm all about good news and I am leaving on this high note.

Peace and Health to All XXX

Babies Galore.................

2007-09-15T15:37:00.000+10:00

I am missing everyone terribly. I have been so sick, struck down with a virus that has had me on the loo with a bucket between my knees for the last 5/6 days. It has ravaged the whole house except Ben to which i am so grateful. Tayla Rose was the worst affected having to have injections to stop the vomiting. Her tiny frame is now 5 kgs (11lbs) lighter leaving her at a bow away in the wind kinda weight of 39kgs (85lbs)
So to say this is a nasty bug is an understatement so all my plans of keeping in touch and being around brighter and healthier have been put on hold.

Something to look forward to and get well for is Ben's Birthday Party next Saturday. Our family and friends will all come to a huge party up like they have come to expect from me. I love to cook so I'm looking forward to putting together a feast of many different dishes. We will have a spit roast so the meat is organised but I do love salads and veges and nibbles to start finishing with a huge Pavlova with fresh cream and fruit. I cant believe I'm talking about food when at this moment I cant even consider eating more than a green apple the first thing past my lips in days.
Now it may have been a terrible week here but amazing and wonderful things have happened.
Firstly I became an Aunt again for the 7th time to only the second boy grandchild out of 11 to my brother his name is Arlon.
My sweet friend Bek also had a beautiful son Joshua her second babe.
My sisters dog had 8 puppies.
My friend peter went through the birth with a friend of ours as the dad didn't make it in time (I know, woops) so with all of these new births and wonderful blessings I am so grateful for every ones good health and joyous arrivals even if I have missed them all.
There is plenty of time to cuddle and kiss these new arrivals when I see them.

Peace and Health To All xx

PS. 5 weeks to go I can almost taste the end.
Hopefully my words will flow and I will have something constructive to say when I am off all these meds ;)

Unsettled.............................

2007-09-08T07:23:00.000+10:00

Uncle Charlie when Danicka was 4 days old.
I'm unsettled and water logged from more than just the rain. I didn’t think anything could spoil my mood as I am so grateful to be up and about 9 days of feeling really good cant change the fact that mind and heart is in turmoil.
I refer back to this.

Dreams are a constant for me visions are vivid and words for people always coming to me from a greater source. I have always been the same, I have always been the ballsy one to stand up and be heard in the defense of all. Why do I challenge my heart and what I know to be wrong to me when it’s me? My uncle is very much at the forefront I thought I had closure on this subject my priority was to get his ashes and I did. But there is a lingering feeling of injustice that I just cant shake the fact that he appears to me in my sleep is an indication that things aren’t finalized that there is something that he is not at peace with and I am driving myself mad about what I should of done differently and if I should try to changes that now. I didn’t want to seek the advice of a solicitor as I considered the reflection of what the cow and they would think my motives were. I assure you it’s not all monetary but too many things don’t make sense and this is arising even more with the legalities of Pete’s mum’s wishes.

I just can’t give in to the fact that she has done the best she can with the situation. She still hasn’t sent me a copy f his will and I am presuming that 10 months was long enough as I am his only relative 1 phone call to tell me he was dead wasn’t to damn much to ask.

I don’t know where this heading but I need to know the truth and what she is hiding. Looking through photos last night of the day Danicka was born reminded me he was there during every major event in my life my marriage my kids my 21st birthday my whole damn life and she has tainted my memory of him with her callousness. Know I wasnt just down the road on these occasions I was at the top end of Australia and he drove for 2 days at a time to see me every year and only once with her in there time together. They have been apart for so many years i just cant get get my head around her actions and I don't know if I can justify them in my mind. Do I leave sleeping dogs lie or do I dig deeper and see what she is hiding. I dont want to contest his will I just want to read it as his account of it is very different to hers.

Pondering a course of action I just don't know where to start.

Edit: Well I wrote this post after an awful night but I have awoken to the sun shinning and still feeling well just grateful to be alive. I am not sure if I will pursue anything or not but right know I am glad to be well.

Peace and Health to All xx

Happy 20th Birthday to my baby girl.

2007-09-07T16:22:00.000+10:00

Way To Celebrate 200 Posts

20 Years..............Phew 20 years ago today I gave birth to an 8lb2ounce beautiful baby girl.
She was and is an amazing little girl whom I adore with all my heart.
She is now a young adult and just as beautiful as they day she was born.
I am just as in love with her today as I was from the moment she was placed in my arms.
That memory of our eyes connecting for the very first time is etched into my memory like a carving in stone.
It is the most amazing gift to have the opportunity to carry, give birth and then raise your own child.
I have been blessed four times with that privilege and I wouldn't change a second of it.
I would do it all over again if I could, I love being a mum.
I was born to be a mumma all though I didn't think so when she was 6 months old and I fell pregnant for the second time.
I have to admit that she would of been an only child if I hadn't of fallen pregnant with him I was so content with her.
I was so scared that I would be unable to share myself with more than one child but I was so wrong.
All of my kids are unique and I can't express what they mean to me.
My only regret is getting cancer and not having any more.
But today I am grateful for what I have and consider the alternatives.
I would not be who I am or be here at all if it wasn’t for my beautiful kids and I thank God daily for that blessing.

Belated weekend Pics

2007-09-04T19:11:00.000+10:00

I went on a rampage of cleaning this week so that meant shelves and cupboards and a huge clean-up.

Pedicures all round, this is Kyles foot EEewwwwwwww.
Dinner with my home girl at the local Pub.
Peace and Health to All XXX

In Memory of our Mate

2007-09-04T18:48:00.000+10:00

Steve Irwin mourned in private.

THE family of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin will mark the first anniversary of his death in private today. While Irwin was always larger than life, widow Terri, Bindi, 9, and brother Robert, 3, plan to remember the tragic anniversary out of the public gaze in the US. It is believed they are staying with Oregon-born Terri's family. No special events will be held at the Irwin's beloved Australia Zoo, which became a makeshift shrine to the environmentalist in the days after he was killed by a stingray barb to the chest. Irwin, 44, had been filming a nature documentary on Batt Reef, near Port Douglas, when the accident occurred. Steve Irwin DayAn Australia Zoo spokeswoman said the Irwins would publicly celebrate his life on November 15, to be known as Steve Irwin Day, when fans will be encouraged to wear khaki, camp out in their backyards or visit the zoo for a number of special events. "September 4 is a day for Steve's family, friends and fans to reflect, while November 15 will be a day of celebration, just the way Steve would have liked," a statement on the zoo's website said. Wildlife warriorBindi has taken the mantle of wildlife warrior since her father's death. With a line of clothing, popular television show and stage performances, the primary school student has elevated her famous dad's conservation work to new levels in countries like Indonesia and India. More than 1.1 million people tuned in to Bindi Irwin's TV special My Daddy The Crocodile Hunter on Saturday night, helping it to easily win its 7.30pm timeslot. While Bindi spreads her dad's message far and wide, baby brother Bob is also proving he, too, has star power. With his mop of blond hair and uniform of cut-down khakis, the toddler is entrancing visitors with his hilarious antics in a film clip, which screens at the zoo's daily show. The show features Bob in poses with birds, a crested iguana, baby wombat, a dingo, baby alligator and a fake poisonous snake complete with all his dad's famous catch-phrases from "Crikey, isn't she gorgeous" to "Don't try this at home". Meanwhile, Irwin's legacy continues at Australia Zoo, where work has started on building what will be the world's largest wildlife hospital.

Me and number 3

2007-08-31T20:13:00.000+10:00

From Glamour

To Sports Star

What a day, I had my injection yesterday (Thursday) and had a great day I watched Tayla run her 200m and 800m races at north zone. She came up with a first and second and then today she got two more seconds and a fourth that puts her into the team for SE Queensland if she does well there shes in the State team I'm so excited my midget kid is a speedy Gonzales. She hurt her knee but I am so proud of our little runner. She was the smallest one in the whole team and she blitzed it.
I was able to get up early again and feel well still no pain meds I am so overjoyed I could burst. It is an amazing boost to feel so good for more than one day, no onslaught of pain and weariness. No aches, pains or migraines, no vomiting any hot flushes or shivers. Good times.
Now the power of prayer:
To me there is no stronger force for justice and goodness. I had a phone call this morning from sister in-law GREAT NEWS she is getting her children back and the father will be charged on countless things. I can’t tell you how happy I am for them and those babes. They will need a lot of counseling but they will have an abundance of love and security from here on in... He will hopefully get back as much as he has dished out when he is finally locked up. Well I'm looking forward to my weekend of good health maybe the Jazz festival and Lyndell and I will do some pottery also to kill some time and just enjoy being.

A Great Day but Tiny Steps

2007-08-28T18:33:00.000+10:00

Well I had a great day yes my friends great I woke up an seen my girls off to school for the first day in like 6 months I was up at 6.30 made a cup of tea sat in the sun and enjoyed the crisp breeze as I braided their hair and continued on with no pain killers no anti vomiting tablets or anything other than my regular medication.

I was pain and sickness free.

I took this picture this afternoon and when I clicked on it I noticed a tiny ant and a lot more detail. Beautiful.

I took the opportunity to make breakfast in bed for my honey, take Kyle to the doctor and then ring my darling girl Bek (who only has 3 weeks to go until her bubba arrives) and we talked for about an hour giggling and catching up on the past month or so of gossip.If that had been the end of my day I would of been Happy but I was on a roll. We have just changed banks soooooo we got dressed and headed off to pick up cheque book, cards ECT when the door of the bank opened. I got a big smile then a scream from the woman pushing a pram out the door before us. I looked at Ben, smiled thinking oh my god whats this weirdo doing and then screamed as well it was my girlfriend I haven’t seen for 3 years whom I have known since I was 13. YAY my 4th musketeer (little miss naughty and Mrs. naughty have nothing on this girl lol) Together were unstoppable and there will be good times ahead.
Hopefully Lyndell is coming for a visit this weekend as the boys are working so another Girlie weekend. I am over the moon about Aleesha but Im so missing Mrs Naughty.

She told me she was moving here in 2 weeks and I am just beside myself I finally have a friend, gees that sounds sad but you know what I mean someone who has known you since then and who doesn’t have to ask how you are she can just tell and who will only be 20mins away.

I rang Lyndel and she’s happy for me but jealous that it’s not her(I wish they would all move closer) But just think how our girly nights will be now when Tania gets back from the U.K WOO Hoo.

The rest of the day has been great I have had 1 maxalon at lunch time (no vomit meds) but no pain killers, that is a huge deal for me and the fact that I was worried about dependency after treatment has left my mind. My pain is real and I treat myself symptomatically, if I have no pain I don’t need medication and today reinforced that, it's such a relief as I really hate taking anything at all and the locum doctor gave me the third degree even though my normal doc and I have discussed this at real length because I did have concerns myself.

I am just a happy bear today, feeling well, seeing old friends, arranging a sleep over and just enjoying a great day.

I cant tell you enough what having one good day has done for my emotional well being, small tasks that we all take for granted have been a struggle. Walking up and down the stairs from my bedroom to the lounge is like watching an 80 year old woman after hip replacement surgery on a bad day and even then I have had days were I haven’t even ventured downstairs to see my kitchen so I really appreciate being up and around. I browsed most of you this morning leaving a comment which is long overdue those of you I missed I will be there tomorrow.

I hope your day has been a healthy one and I pray I find one more (at the very least) I even took some photos in the garden "Look Out shes back"for today any way.

7 more weeks and counting guys can you believe 41 weeks this friday has past since I started on this treatment, it felt like a life time in the beginning but the light is getting brighter every day.

Peace and Health To You All XX

PS- A great Thought Provoking Post from the gorgeous Dana

Take the First Step
"The steps of a [good] man are directed and established of the Lord, when He delights in his way [and He busies Himself with his every step]."(Psalm 37:23)

Girly things

2007-08-26T00:00:00.000+10:00

Girls night in. We did facials, ear piercing and eye lash tint it was fun were going to do monthly girly things with my babes friends manicures and pedicures lots a fun. Great stuff to do while you flooded in. Look at their little red ears so cute.

Olivia and Tayla are like siamese twins when there together as they don't see each other as much as they would like due to us moving.

If you go Here you will meet my better half who has just started a blog YAY please welcome the love of my life hes a funny guy and really sweet.

25 Year Anniversery

2007-08-24T19:01:00.000+10:00

How does one choose a pivotal moment, a life changing event that rocks you to your very core of existence? Can you?
Is it possible to choose one moment that makes or breaks a person’s being and can they ever recover from that experience and go on to lead their life with true meaning after that.
Can you pick a moment in time where you would return, change the course of events, therefore changing your history or even your destiny? Would you?
Was that moment so profound that it changed the person you became or can you choose who you are regardless through strength and life’s lessons?
So many questions so few answers in life and death.
Today marks the Anniversary of such a moment 25 years ago today I lost my Dad.
25 years I can’t put this figure into perspective in my mind its way too surreal it’s so long ago and yet that moment that day, is etched into my mind like carvings in stone, which time will never erase.
There is nothing I can truly put into words that can best describe my dad, my daddy, shit this is bizarre in so many ways to try and describe a man that I put on a pedestal as the epitome of what a man is and should be. He was as loving as any person I have ever met and I have never met a man with such Love for his baby girl whom I was so very blessed to be. All though I was not of his blood, he adored me as if I was the only girl on the planet and to him I was. Everything I did was only to see his smiling eyes, to have him scoop me up in his strong arms and for him to tell me he loved me. I miss that secure feeling. I miss how I felt when he held me close to his heart.
He was gentle but strong and he wasn’t ashamed to let people know how he felt. I came first in his eyes and he in mine. I have had trouble over the years finding anyone who could measure up to the type of person he was.
Is it that just that I only remember the good times I think not? I remember being smacked once yes only once but it was a goodin and well without details I deserved it. My mum knew of my bond with my dad as did everyone. I was always on his shoulders or by his side no matter where we were, that was my spot and I thought I couldn't get any safer than right there. He even mowed the lawn with me riding along as the sweat poured down his forehead. My mum was so sure of his love for me that at 5.30 am on the 24th of August 1992 my mum woke me up with a jolt and a panic stricken look of despair on her face. Her exact words were Loo Loo I can’t wake your dad up, hop out of bed hurry he’ll wake up for you; he’s going to be late for work.
I got out of bed trying to make sense of what was happening. I was the same age as my youngest daughter is now and I went into their room to see my dad, lying in bed, looking as though he was asleep, he was warm but he didn’t open his eyes.
I got on the bed and shook him whispering for him to get up, nothing. I panicked then. I shook him I beat his chest tears rolling down my cheeks. I told him it wasn’t funny anymore and he had to get up because mum was crying and he was scaring me. He lay their motionless as I cried and punched his chest.
Needless to say my daddy didn’t even wake up for me. I went out to my mum as she looked at me with a glimmer of hope in her eyes and she asked, even though she knew the answer to her own question. I told her she had to ring Nana then took over waking up my brother telling him the news taking him in to say goodbye and explaining that dad was going to heaven to be with the angels. At seven it was difficult for him and he just couldn't grasp the gravity of the situation. We didn't have a phone back then and mum had to go down the road to the neighbors. It was the worst day of my life and for my mum a devastating blow that she has barely recovered from to this day.

His funeral was huge there were 3 greyhound buses and well over 600 hundred people at his funeral. He was a loved man by many, no more than by his family and especially me. I was his little girl, his little maggot and he was my dad.
I miss him so badly it still hurts. I know he would be very proud of his grand children and I hope of me. His memory will live on always in my heart.

So today I will light a candle in his honor as a symbol of my never ending Love until he holds me once again and I feel the security of his embrace.

Going with the Flow

2007-08-23T10:22:00.000+10:00

Well I didn't go to my Specialist appointment. My poor old Doc was un-well. I just rang for my bloods and picked up my injections and tablets. My white cell count is up a little but my hemoglobin is down (red cells) that are not too bad it just makes me more tired anemia is something that I have managed to keep okay but it’s now taking its toll. That’s okay because I can remedy the effects of that through protein and supplements as long as my palettes hold steady or I may need a transfusion. I really don’t think it will come to that but I am prepared to do what ever it takes to see this through to the end. And be smiling at the end of it. NOooooooooooo actually jumping with joy would be an understatement. It is so close I can almost taste victory at the end of this. All the support I have had has been overwhelming I can’t tell you how much that has meant to me I'm humbled and grateful, even when I have been unable to visit as regularly as I would like to those of you I care about. I have had so many prayers thoughts and guardian angels sent my way it has been truly amazing.
I have just had my injection: I am waiting for the on slaught of what is to come but pray this Friday will be less painful and invasive than last week. Its curl up weather here and it has been raining for days and the weather is grim but this has done little to dampen my mood. I am having an up day and I feel good emotionally just drained physically. I will get around to you all again soon I miss knowing what’s happening in your worlds. You are all in my thoughts and prayers always and I can’t wait until the day that I can back to my daily routine of checking in on all of you.
Until then Peace and Health to You All XXXX

The Brighter side

2007-08-18T21:10:00.000+10:00

Its Saturday night: Late Thursday night and Friday was a really tough time for me physically.

I thought that hospital was going to be my only option I was just so sick. I think I double dosed on my night meds (unsure) but I did have a change in Migraine medication (supposed to help) instead I was throwing up I broke out in a rash and had a blinding migraine that felt like my head had split wide open like a melon I couldn't open my eyes to see if I was even making the bucket I was in so much pain I left my bed to sneak to a quieter place as to not wake anyone up.

I didn’t think that I could physically be so sick so far along, nor did I consider how scared I would become. I did hold on in the midst of it all and made it through to the other side without leaving home (I hate hospitals with a passion and doctors also, exception granted to a few).

I stopped the pain meds and threw them away tried taking my usual that doesn’t really work but at least makes my physical being bearable it was too late but I'm settled now.
Tonight I feel much better (Thank God)
I really am appreciating being up and out of bed. I am so grateful for hanging in and not retreating to the starkness of a white walled sterile environment of the hospital.
I am off to the specialist Tuesday I know my white cell count is down as I have a slight chest infection but am avoiding antibiotics as I have no fever so we will see how I go. Just for the record I will go to the doctor or Hospital if absolutely necessary so no need to lay down the law with me in comments lol.
Emotionally I feel good I have laid a lot of baggage to rest and am being pro active in my thoughts for the future. I am looking forward to researching a new project that will have financial and emotional rewards for me and all of us (I will keep you posted)

So that’s it for me I need to rest (yes I said it REST) I am trying to take care of my self and I pray for good health for all of you.

Get Out From Under
"Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world."(1 John 4:4)

EDIT - Its 5.30am now opposed to 8.30pm when I firdt wrote this post and I haven't slept.

I suppose you cant have everything Hey !!

Too Much

2007-08-16T19:47:00.000+10:00

Dark moods don’t brighten up as the wind blows the clouds aside to let through the light, so many dark places lately. I’m trying to find bright patches of relief just as the moon reveals it’s self from behind the storms that linger.
I sit in awe of those closest during my mood swings; there is so much tragedy around me at the moment. I am just hanging on to my nearest and dearest and hoping they understand my struggle.
I found out last night a girl I grew up with committed suicide leaving behind her 12 year old daughter, to say that was the last straw is an understatement. I have cried so many tears I think im running out. The anniversary of my dad’s death is coming up also and it’s just surreal to think that I still look to him for comfort after 25 years without him. I miss his warm embrace and the safe place I used to find myself in when he held me in his arms.
My mum is first and foremost on my mind I have been ringing her daily putting on a brave face as I don’t want to worry her. She is sensing my turmoil and the distance between us may as well be worlds apart for me. I can’t find comfort in confiding in her. I am still her mother figure, her protector from harm, the one who has forgiven her for the past we’d both sooner forget and never speak of. I am scared of loosing her she is 70 next year and I want her closer. I want to take care of her I need to show her that everything’s okay, that I’m okay and the past is the past.
I’m rambling I know but I need to get my head around what I’m feeling and all that is happening.
I am really okay, I have let out so much that its all up hill from now there is just so much pain around me and not being able to be the supporter has my stomach in knots. I have to let go of trying to fix everything and settle for doing the best I can and pray that it’s enough.

Peace and Health xxx

PS- Thankyou for hanging in there with me.
I appreciate how honest I can be here with you all.

2007-08-14T22:34:00.000+10:00

Time is progressing and I feel as though I am being left behind, dates and days are passing by and the seasons changing and I am in stagnant place not moving forward at all.
Treatment is not getting any easier with time. It just has different twists and turns, highs and lows that have become very draining, at the moment it’s really getting me down. Tears are flowing freely and I think I am feeling a little sorry for my self and thats not a place I like to visit often.I have just about had enough, the migraines are preventing me from reading my favorites people and writing on my blog so I'm feeling isolated lonely and just sick and tired of feeling like sick and tired.
I'm sleeping more again as my haemoglobin is low so anemia is leaving me with little energy. I'm not straying to far from home as there is a really bad flu here and my white cell count is really low so I really don’t want to catch anything that will make me feel worse than I already do.
Painkillers are a constant, more drugs upon more drugs on top of that, and then injection day is coming again. That comes so damn fast I just get over one and its time again. I'm just drained emotionally, physically and any other shitty way you can feel, I'm being hit with it. I'm so close, seriously less than 3 months I have already done 8 months I shouldn’t complain but I am just having a moment where everything about me is pissing me off I believe life is to live and cherish every moment there are always lessons to be learnt and I honor that but I'm just so tired. I don’t speak on the phone I don’t blog I hardly speak to the kids and if I do I don’t make sense or I forget what I have said frustrating for all. It’s just to damn long to damn hard. I will finish of course I would never give up but gees I am so over it already.
There are brighter things happening Kyle is Home for a little longer than expected Ben and him are getting there security license and will be working together their first gig will be the Noosa jazz festival I hope I'm well enough to go and maybe check it out. There are a few things happening with work so money is looking up slightly. Im just missing you all and think of you daily I hope your all well and am catching up slowly.

Peace and Health To All XXX

Press on in Patience"...be not slothful, but followers of them who through faith and patienceinherit the promises."(Hebrews 6:12)

This is what Im praying about:

Im Home

2007-08-08T14:43:00.000+10:00

Kathleen Mary Furness
17/6/1937 - 29/07/07

What can I say this last week has been a roller coaster ride of emotions that seems to be slowing down and slowly settling into place.
I left for the Gold Coast Sunday, the girls had school, Ben has a big work commitment this week and I was fine with going by my self, everyone was a little concerned but I assured them I would really be okay and not to worry but my son wouldn't have it, he was coming to be with his mumma and he wasn’t having it any other way.
He has always been extremely close to Peter as well I have pictures of them together when Kyle was only 7 months old. They have this really amazing relationship that I love to see in action and if I was to be completely honest I was grateful for a little support for me as well. I draw such strength from my son and I am so proud of his natural ability to keep things light but also have respect for difficult situations. Big call on one so young but he was my rock and he is such a funny kid there is always welcomed laughter so much at times I had to tell him to stop as I was in fits on the floor and its so hard to get up these days.

I arrived and cooked dinner and we talked and just tried to keep a very light atmosphere. Monday and the viewing were very much a part of what we were avoiding as far as conversation went but we laughed and talked and had a nice night, late, but nice and I actually slept rather well Pete gave me one of Kath’s nighties that still had her scent on it. I placed it over my pillow the sweet smell of her essence had such a calming effect on me and I slept like a baby. She always smelt so beautiful this was a woman who took such pride in herself and always looked stunning, even on the day of her being laid to rest my doing her makeup was so easy, as I had the perfect canvas and she just looked so beautiful I am very proud of myself.
Father Pat cane to the house Monday morning for the final arrangements and I was chosen to say a Beautiful verse at the funeral. I was the only one other than children and grand children. I feel extremely blessed and very proud to be included...
Monday was a little more stressful the enormity of the situation and the surreal feeling of coming to terms with the fact that she was gone and in just a few hours it was up to me to make her beautiful and present her to her family (something I have never done) I just wasn’t confident that they would do our precious mumma Kath justice, in fact I was unsure how I would even go. It is very different than doing a makeup on someone who is getting ready for her wedding day or an outing.
I find it hard to express the feeling of when I started. The mortician telling me his way and I told him my ideas as he didn’t have the love factor essential in doing this beautiful woman the justice she deserves. Peter’s beautiful and strong older sister coming in to help just after I got into the mode of what I wanted to achieve and it was magical. I did her makeup and we painted her nails to match her lipstick as she wouldn’t have had it any other way (GIGGLE)
It was such a beautiful experience and I am so glad that I had the opportunity to do that for her I’m left with such peace and contentment in my heart. I know have such closure. I had the opportunity to tell her exactly what I felt about her while she was still here and then to be able to honour her by having her look so beautiful was such a gift to me.
There gratitude of my apparent strength made it all worthwhile and to know I made such a difference whilst she was in hospital and throughout leaves me feeling grate full for being involved with such an amazing family

Monday night we all had dinner about a dozen of us, we sat her picture at the end of the table where we ate, laughed and really embraced and appreciated what we have and remembered the special things about her in our own private way. I didn’t sleep well that night so many thoughts in my head my children my mum my past losses and future losses. I’m not rushing to meet disaster but considering how to just make our lives much richer and appreciate those I love so there is no misunderstanding of how much I love those closest to me. I can draw lessons from this experience and good ones.
The funeral was beautiful my favourite part was at the end all of the immediate family released a butterfly each as Some where Over the rainbow played, it was beautiful. Life is a difficult journey but death and the survivor’s transition into their next journey can mean so many different things for so many different people.
I believe it was her time to be with the loved ones already past that were waiting for her and our time with her over………………

God Bless Gracious Lady…… until we meet again.

Last Sunrise

2007-08-04T19:27:00.000+10:00

This was the 29th July 2007 a Mummas last Sunrise.
I took this photo on the Sunday that Kath died some would say how can you consider taking a photo of a sunrise when this could be the last day of someone you love.
My answer to this was what better way to appreciate each day and to celebrate a life then with the magic of a sunrise. Through the aches and pains both emotional and physical I felt lost, helpless to a situation that was devastatingly tragic to a family that I considered my own.
I needed something real something beautiful to replace the emptiness that I was feeling.
The morning was serene, yet subsequently tempered with an eerie stillness.
It was sadly to be her last Sunrise and one that I will remember always as one of the most beautiful and meaningful sunrises I have ever watched.
I have this image etched in my heart along side the beautiful memories of an amazing lady.
I have been challenged lately, so much happening around me, I feel like my life has turned into a train that’s left the tracks an uncontrolled wreck. Knowing it will stop eventually doesn't change the predictability of the aftermath and the destructive path that has been forged along its journey.
It’s hard to breath sometimes, I dare not close my eyes and slow down because my mind seems to meander and rehash the happenings of the last few months. Moments of clarity are seemingly beyond my reach amidst the treatment drugs and the painful reality of daily life at the moment. Don’t get me wrong I'm not breaking I bloody well refuse to break. I haven’t lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel I can still see that through the many tears that I have shed lately. I just wish that it was a little brighter along the way. I used to tell my kids "know c'mon honey you better stop crying or you will run out of tears. You only have so many so make sure you save them for when you need them" In a strange way it comforted them and they would dry their eyes and say " see mummy I am saving them I have sucked them back and I will store them for when I need them" My big boy still says when I'm being a bit sooky "mumma don't waste your tears, can you please stop or I will start and I'm saving mine" it always makes me smile.
We are leaving tomorrow (Sunday) to go the coast I will be doing my best to do Kath’s makeup on Monday morning for the viewing that afternoon then the funeral is on Tuesday at 11 am. The next few days are going to be hard but even harder for Peter and his family so I will focus my energy on them but hold on to a little for myself as a good friend recently said, I will be of no good to any one if I am sick myself. (I am resting and doing my best to take care) I will get all of my bad news out of the way in this post because of next week my days will be brighter and I will be focusing on getting Healthy and Happy. Danicka has lost her job and is devastated she rang Friday sobbing her little heart out and their wasn’t a damn thing I could do to help she was standing in the middle of Brisbane cities mall tears rolling down the cheeks of my beautiful baby. She is heartbroken at the loss of Pete’s mum, my health and her worry for me is making her run down and unwell herself.
The good thing is she is coming home to her mumma next week for some TLC. Kyle is renovating my sister’s house as he is in a transitional stage also but that brings him home to me also so I am not complaining. My brothers problems with his girls children has worsened and her pregnancy is suffering through the stress of it all I don’t want to go on but I need to vent the bad to try and put it behind us and focus on things getting better. I know things could be worse but right now that’s not what everyone is considering. To be honest I'm still grateful for many things but this isnt the time.
I have released this and let go and that is why this journaling works for me. This is my life I can’t sugar coat the things that are happening at the moment and I won’t. It is just another chapter in my life of very highs and very lows.
The only thing left is to try and find the balance in the middle and pray for peace and contentment...

8 random or goofy things and an update.......

2007-08-02T21:41:00.000+10:00

Well the gorgeous Darlene tagged me for this and I had trouble coming up with things but my sister Kell helped out so that was cool. I can’t even mention some of things she said I'm honest but reasnably tactfull. LOL
I will leave it up to you to be tagged but please let me know if you do it so I can read.

*We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.*Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.*People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.*At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and they should read your blog.

1) I have a bad habit of running material under my fingernails especially between Ben’s clothes, anywhere I can find a fold or make one before he catches me or notices I am doing it.I have to run the material under my nails wether there clean or dirty.I do it without realising and it drives Ben crazy. With every hug or when ever I can grab the material of his clothes I fold it and run it under my nails one by one. I do it in my pockets and on anything I can get my hands on but Ben is my number one target. It drives him mad........
2) I can't stand cockroaches they make me dry reach, they make me scream and dance around like a Traditional American Indian doing a rain dance on crack. This from a girl who plays with rats, spiders and snakes. I bait my own hook clean my own fish and I have also stuck my arm up a cows Woo Hoo to assist in a breach birth of its calf when I was working on a cattle station in the middle of no where.
3) I carry floss and a tooth brush in my hand bag I am fanatical about my teeth. I have to have clean teeth and a clean tongue. I only have 1 filling and I got that when I was 10. There are no caps or veneers and they are okay but I wish they were whiter and tend to over clean rather than under clean. I am good now at only about 6 times a day. I think they have a name for that “OCD” Grrrrr.
4) I am a huge hoarder and I am very sentimental over odd things. My car being one of them. I love my truck I have had it for 12 years and have no intentions of getting another one like EVER, her name is Betty and I talk to her. I have many ugly things and just many things I just can’t throw out and moving is never easy for us.
5) I have a sister who is only 6 months older than me. She is my half sister from my natural dad we have never met but I met a lady at a hungi a few months back and she said she had met a girl who looked just like me around my age with her name which is Tracey and she lived in the same town that my sister did so maybe it was her.
6) Okay I have a reputation for being phobic of public toilets and I am very pedantic about my paper I am definitely a folder not a scruncher and at home if I go, the door stays open and I will even talk on the phone while I’m there but get me near a public toilet and I loose the plot I hate them.
7) My adopted dad and my natural dad both died at the age of 47 years old 18 years apart.
8) I leave my expensive jewellery in different so called safe places all over the house. I have lost particular pieces of jewellery for over 6 years at a time only to have it turn up in a teapot or in a pocket of a jacket or somewhere obscure. No one wants to hear it anymore as I do it all the time, I used to worry and panic if I misplaced something but now I know it will turn up eventually even if its in the garden or old handbags. I have been very lucky like that.

Tomorrow my brother Danny and his girl Missy go to court over the kids and the abuse so please pray or send any positive energy you can for that they need all of our help.
I just can’t believe the last few weeks it’s just been so full on it starts to wear you down and the days and weeks seem to marry into one long nightmare for those around me.
I’m not worried about me its just so many things need sorting out and I hate that I can’t give it my all at this time. Everyone understands but I don’t like it in fact it distresses me endlessly.
My bloods aren’t real flash and the migraines, well let’s just say migraine. I treat it constantly as there isnt any break these days its just one long pain in my head and a myriad of drugs that effect the excessiveness of that pain. I went to the doctor today and had a bit of a cry about how many pain killers I’m taking and asked about the effect on my liver and I wonder if it can handle the load I can handle the pain but it worries me the amount of drugs I’m on and are the long term effects greater than the result.
She sympathetically tells me only 3 months to go and unless they put me in hospital for pain relief intravenously or insert a port-a-cath for narcotics I just have to wether through the storm. So I reaffirm daily that my low white cell count will stay just above dangerous (that's good) and so will my haemoglobin. I fully believe that and it’s okay, but I didn’t get an answer to my question as they don’t know until after treatment ends how my liver will hold up to all of this but she said that I’m doing the right thing. (I hope so) no edit: I know so!!!!!!
I had my injection tonight as I want to be stronger by the weekend. I am trying to use my side a little as the front of my tummy is discolouring at the injection sites and I don’t know if that will ever go away not that I care but its yucky. Tuesday is the day of the funeral and I want to go down to Peter earlier as I’m having a hard time being so far away from him at the moment I just pray he’s okay and that I’m strong enough to go down Saturday to be with him.

Courage Comes From Faith
"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."(Joshua 1:9)

Faith

2007-08-01T21:19:00.000+10:00

Horses

They are majestic unpredictable strong intelligent and loving. Ridding and grooming de-stresses me, it relaxes me and makes me calm.

I feel a connection, a trust and the gentleness when I am with animals especially horses.

I spent many hours with my horse over the years contemplating life.
I didn’t grow up in a religious house I was baptised but we never went to church, my Dad said he didn’t believe in what he couldn’t see and his only Love and all his faith were in the smiles of his family, he didn’t need god for that. My mum just agreed with dad and after the horrific things that happened to her as a child I’m not surprised she lacked faith and it saddened me that shes never quite found it she also finds it difficult to understand how and why I searched it out.

This is what I find amazing, my faith was never pushed upon me all though I always believed in a higher power, I felt it, it comforted me and I believed I was loved by it and I always spoke to it. I now know I am loved by it. IT being the Holly spirit, god, our lord Jesus, whatever works for you.
I was always interested in this over evolution because of what I used to have, for what I used to feel and whom I used to feel safe with.
I used to know things, dream things, fix things through the touch of my hands and read behind ones facade.
People from the new age would call me psychic, people who don’t believe anything call me a dreamer or a bull shitter, and other people believe I’m prophetic.

I believe I have a gift and that gift may evolve but it’s not from evolution it’s from god it isn't always easy it’s some times really hard and I haven’t always known him even though I believed in him. I do have a better understanding of what he means and how he helps me.
People ask how do you cope; easy, Faith
People ask how do you forgive; easy, Faith
People ask how you carry on; easy, Faith

Faith is an amazing thing for me and it picks u up; it carries you through and teaches you how to live in the lord.
Its funny Horses and Barrel racing, spinning and turning your horse on a dime the power the freedom the trust between you and your horse is amazing and I liken that childhood experience to my faith its when I used to ride that I pondered the universe, I prayed to the almighty for faith and for clarity and a deep sense of understanding of why I was different why I seen things differently riding made me relax, riding gave me space and time to consider what it was I could feel and the things that I seen.
I held the hand of a dying woman who was like a mumma to me and on Sunday she passed.

She was gorgeous amazing gentle and gracious and just so many things. I massaged her hands. I massaged her feet and legs for hours as she had bad circulation and I wanted her to feel comfortable and to relax.

I brushed her hair I moistened her mouth with mists of water as the oxygen was drying in her throat. I hope she knows I tried to do as she would have wanted. She told me she was scared she was just frightened but through prayer she relaxed and passed peacefully.

I have faith that he was the only thing that kept me going to be able to do these things for her.

I have been to sick to get out of bed but I could be there for her and peter when they needed me. That was a blessing and I feel Blessed to have had that time to help. Slowly trying to rebuild my strength and pray I have this strength next week to do Kathleen’s make up for the viewing.
I am by the way a qualified make up artist but this is a first for me I look forward with apprehension to make her look beautiful. I’m drawing on all my strength for this one.

Praying and Faith

I Believe i can do anything with Faith.

Peace and Health To All xxx

When the end is just the beginning

2007-07-31T05:27:00.000+10:00

Saturday marked a rush a visit to be by the side of my oldest and dearest friend Pete.
His mum had been in Hospital for over two weeks with an unknown infection she was quite ill but everyone was hopeful of the outcome.
Peter didn’t ring me straight away thinking that he would let me know when she was home as he is protective of me and knew the news would worry me as his mum and I are very close and he has been acutely aware of how ill I have been with this treatment.
He tried but couldn’t keep the news from me any longer though and after talking to him for my Birthday I made the decision to have Ben drive me to the Gold Coast to be with them.
Things took a turn for the worse after my arrival and we spent the next two days by her side.
I don’t have the energy for details but we were with her when she passed on Sunday.
To say I'm devastated exhausted and trying to build my strength for the week ahead is an understatement. Peter has lost both his parents, a sister, a grandmother, two aunts, an uncle and a cousin in the last 5 years.
This is an end to an era and the beginning of another painful transition of a family in mourning.
I have just come home for a couple of days to gather my strength to go back to be with my friend the Gold Coast is just over two hours away.
So again my absence will be obvious and your prayers deeply appreciated if you can.
I'm still in shock and seem to be reliving the experience of her fear, her pain and those last days each time I close my eyes and my extended families anguish is breaking my Heart.
I need sleep, I need my strength and I need for my closest friend to be okay.
I am again at a loss for words that can explain this moment.

Birthday Girl

2007-07-27T10:28:00.000+10:00

Jimbaran Bay- BALI
27-07-05
My Birthday 2 years ago I was in Bali for 3 weeks. I had just sold my house and we celebrated by having our first holiday together.

27-07-05 Ben and I were engaged at sunset on the Beach. (I am Happy but a little Drunk LOL)Our table was about 12 ft from the crashing waves we had our own band and an amazing array of food.
1000 000 Ru-pea the fact that it was a million made giddy in the tummy.

Our own Band great guys and we shared our food with them because we so over ordered.
Monkey Forest they are so cheeky but so gorgeous.

Tanned from the beautiful sunshine drunk from the op Rum bought duty free. It was a great Birthday
On the Beach Ben with his long hair also in a plait. Hawkers trying to sell us everything and anything. They called him Boss because he was so big. They also said a man with long hair will have long life.

27-07-07 Today is my Birthday I have just gotten up I had a change of drugs on Tuesday when I went to the specialist and they have knocked me around a little only until I am used to them any way. My white cell count is a little lower but not as bad as it has been my hemoglobin is up a little but I haven't been able to tell really. Other than the change of some of the drugs I'm okay. Hopefully I will be going to dinner tonight so that is something hey?
The last few days I have been in bed until like 2pm but then I'm okay until like 9pm so there is some reprieve. It hasn't been all doom and gloom there has been some funny things that have had me really happy. Ben's dad is up as we have a JOB yay, a huge driveway to do so that will brighten the finances and hopefully start a flow of work.
We were sitting last night eating salad Ayesha and I do not eat cucumber I can but I don't like it much like. Ish being our never ending source of entertainment grabbed the one only piece of cucumber on her plate popped it on her eye dressing and all and stated at the table; "isn't this good for your eyes?" Hello......... Mayo and all we just cracked up, she turned to us innocently and doe eyed well that's what I heard and I'm not going to eat it so? (precious)
Tayla Rose is my athlete she won both the 100m and the 800m sprints at school yesterday and next week she will run 2 more different race she is a natural.
My baby Kyle (18years old) had me hold his hand at the dentist. I love being a mumma to give comfort to my kids has me the happiest woman alive its what I live for it is what I cherish and it is what gives me balance and faith.

Well dear friends I will try and fill you in more often know that I'm up and about again until then God Bless you all.

Peace and Health To Each and Everyone of You XXX

Ramblings of a Confused Mind (AGAIN)

2007-07-23T12:22:00.000+10:00

Well its Monday here and I am up out of bed, showered, legs shaved, hair washed, arm pits whipper snipped (Hairrrrrrry Maclary) This is an every day or maybe a every couple of day thing for women girls you know what I mean, unless of course you have babies then hairy is to be expected who the hell has time right?. To be honest for me at the moment this is an achievement in it's self, especially all of this with no pain killers YAY for me. I have not actually washed my hair myself in nearly a month. Ben has done it the last few times but it has been nearly 2 weeks since its last washing Mmmmm smelly girl, lol. Its too cold to be in bed with wet hair and I can't wash it myself, let alone dry it. (I feel like a baby GRrrrrr)
Now don’t get me wrong I have showered but I haven't taken anytime to do the things that make you feel like a woman and not a like a Neanderthal which is what I looked like before I hit the shower this morning.
I’m not kidding I had turned Ferrel. I am not a hairy person generally (not bad for half wog) and my hair is fair but for shits sake, when it gets to the length it had, I looked like a palomino pony with its winter coat (not very seductive or sexy my friends) The bags under my eyes are a little lighter today, my skin not so blotchy, the furrows are not permanently etched into my brow line as they are when I am in pain, and I truly feel free at this moment. I should be jumping with joy (but that still hurts) so I will smile brightly and tell you it’s good to be alive seriously I am truly appreciative of that.

BUT……………………..there’s always a but isn't there (I hate that)

Now I wanted to write an up lifting post as everything lately has been depressing and if it hasn't been depressing I haven't had anything to say, you know something with some depth, some profound words of wisdom and something that was thought provoking. Yet words and an articulate thought pattern still eludes me. I am back reading blogs and and I am enjoying every one's words lately, they seem to jump off the page with a vigour and vibrancy that I can't find in myself. I am finding that I have nothing, I am blank, I still have an untidy mind being rational is not coming easily and normally its quite clear to me, wrong-right-black-white, the problem is everything is grey, its blurry, it’s unclear, its cluttered my thoughts and feelings are unsteady just like a boat in a storm that has broken free from its mooring. I feel as though I am swaying and bobbing across the waves. I'm feeling as though I have an anchor dragging and its trying to catch itself on the ocean floor searching for stability to ride out this storm of emotions. Praying for the seas to be calm, for the sun to shine through and just enjoy being settled and comfortable where I am and knowing who I am again.
I am happy, grateful and trying to savour every minute out of bed, enjoy every second that my eyes are open and my head is not thumping to an African rhythm reminiscent of a Zulu tribe in celebration. So I really don’t want to come across as though I don’t relish and appreciate the reprieve because I do, but this is hard seriously It's an effort to smile, it’s an effort to appreciate the good when I do not know how long it may last and that makes me feel guilty, so follows the cycle of abuse I inflict upon myself in my mind. I do appreciate it though or do I? Now I don’t even make sense I contradict myself and this is a problem.

Physically I am coping I am tough its only pain HA HA HA I laugh at pain. It’s not the pain it’s the confusion, it’s my forgetfulness (not the normal forget the 50 first dates forget) serious short term and long term memory loss. It’s the strain on my relationships it’s getting to us all. We are so close yet it feels so damn far away. I am not being negative and my feelings of better health today are truly a blessing and I believe my prayers were answered. Yesterday months of anxiety, anger and frustration came to a head and Ben and I both reacted very badly and said many things neither of us meant or at least I don't think we meant them. You see that is where the problem lies; I don’t know, I just think I do or I don't think I do. Our lives have been turned up side down our money situation at the stage of just surviving and the test of our relationship close to tipping the scales to a place neither of us want to visit.
I do not know what is real in my head any more my mind plays tricks and the drugs have altered my personality and we both fear that the real me is lost. I think things that are out of character for me and I burden myself with the strangest of things sometimes so left field, I feel like a complete idiot when things are calmer and I am more rational or when I think I am.
I know the scenario of this is understandable, this is expected in difficult times but knowing this and living it are two very different things. Too many questions, not enough answers. Many people do not complete this treatment, that has never been an option for me but I can see why the gamut of side effects are too much, the mental torture unfair and I feel this is the worst. I need to have clarity, I need to have control and balance in my life, its something that I have worked at for many years to achieve its one of the only things I really need.
I had no control of my circumstances as a child and little control through an abusive marriage.

I learnt and gained an independence a stability and a rational pattern of thinking that I was very proud of and enjoyed. I feel ripped off by my physical incapability’s but I can handle that easily, it’s more so my lack of control over my feelings and the processing of certain situations. It makes me feel cynical sometimes and angry most of the time without knowing why, snappy, insensitive, distressed and very unsure of the real truth in any given situation. My doctor says its normal and maybe it is but this is difficult to accept and when your mind is telling you things that your heart knows are untrue or thinks or maybe feels, it makes for a difficult time for everyone concerned. A
Believe that this is a temporary situation.
Believe this will be better once treatment is over.
Believe I will be back to the person my family love and admire.
Believe I will learn to like myself again maybe even love.
Believe I will know my own mind really soon and it will match my heart.
I have to make a conscious effort to trust in those who love me.
I have to try and achieve some balance, count to ten before I react.
I have to retrain and try to achieve clarity in situations before they get out of control and I cause irreversible damage.
I need to have faith in the bigger picture.
I need to know that nothing will be placed upon me that I can not handle.
I need to have Faith in my family and my relationships.

I need to know I make sense and when I'm right and more importantly when I am wrong.

pattern of behaviour has been formed an instability for everyone has been created and it’s hard.
So where does that leave me??
Where does that leave my family and my relationship??
I have to……….. AND believe it or not……… I do, either way no matter what happens in the future, whatever is meant to be will be and I will do my best to achieve love, life and a balance that at the moment is only a memory in my past.
I have survived molestation.
I have survived rape.
I have survived an attempted murder.
I have survived an attempted suicide.
I have survived severe bashing.
I have survived two kidney operations.
I have survived cervical cancer.
I have survived uterine cancer
I have survived a stroke
I am surviving this next chapter in Life and when I read back over what I have already been through I am really blessed that I’m here to talk about it or ramble about it either way it could be a lot worse and I am grateful.

Peace and Health To All XXX

In Memory

2007-07-21T20:50:00.000+10:00

Is this the biggest zucchini ever? I am so proud of it LOLTayla came into the room and snapped my most Loyal companion Bella she sticks very close when I am sick. I thought it was very sweet that she snuck in for the pic saying I could blog it. Again not a flattering picture but this has been me for two weeks why hide it.

It seems all doom and gloom lately but I assure that’s not the case I have a powering vege garden that has survived a wicked frost and a drop of temperature to -4 that doesn’t make me happy. LOL
What does make me Happy is my visit from Amii (Ben's sister) and her massive clean up for me, my house was so yucky it made me sick just thinking about it but now it is clean fresh and tidy. I so appreciate what she does for me.
I am Happy about my Zucchinis that were about 15 inches long fat and huge and really YUMMY, my tomatoes are getting big the lettuce is crunchy and fresh the chili's fiery and the snow peas are so sweet. I am grateful for being here to see life grow and the seasons change I believe life is so precious and Nature is so beautiful I consider every day to be so precious. Sick or not I am grateful for every day.

In Memory
The 22nd July 2006: 1 Year ago On this day we lost a Friend a Son a Brother and an amazing man who lived his life with Joy and a vigour we could only hope to achieve. Due to a motorbike accident he was killed instantly in front of his brother’s eyes and a few of his mates. He will be dearly missed and he will never be forgotten. Brett was Ben's Best Friends brother and it was a shock to all concerned. On my birthday last year we attended his funeral along with over a hundred people. On that day I met his Sister my beautiful and talented friend Bek (my soul whispers)

My birthday last year wasn’t celebrated the way we thought it was a day were we remembered a great guy and I made a new and amazing friend amongst tragedy.My heart goes out to Wade and his fiancé Bek, his dad Col, Bek and his other sisters Megan, Lee and all who remember him tomorrow.

Dare to Dream Postcard

2007-07-18T19:13:00.000+10:00

This arrived in the mail today from the Beautiful V she has been with me from very early and is just a gorgeous girl who I love and adore.

This made my day and was worthy of me getting out of bed to post it. Thank God, I am sick of the sight of my room mind you I will be down for 10mins then back to bed.
Ammi B's sister is coming up for a few days to help out its a battle at the moment but I will get there.

I still haven't read any body as I just haven't been out of bed.

Thanks Ness I am still Dreaming and Believing in people as a whole.
You all help me believe in Dreams.

This has come at the right time for me. Knowing that she took the time out to send this has warmed my heart. There is a photo of a clothes shop called shazzas but I couldn't up-load it. GRrrrrrrr

So cool though hey.

Peace and Health to All xxxx

Thanking You

2007-07-15T19:19:00.000+10:00

Guys I'm sorry for my absence, I have been in bed for the last week only up to shower and eat when I could.

So much has happened this last week or so.

I am so upset and disturbed at the news of my brother's girlfriends children's abuse by their dad and it has drained and burdened me beyond belief.

Everyone is devastated especially my little sister as the legal battle has been going on for a long time and she is very close to all this.

I really worry how this affects her let alone my bro and his lady.

I am so at a loss for words at this time about that.

I thank you for your kind words and support at this time, a few of you in particular know me well and I can also read between the lines and appreciate that you know me this well.

Those of you have emailed I will get back to you.

I just wanted to check in here first as I know you care for me as I do for you and I Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

I will catch up soon.

Peace and Health To All XXX

Pain and Anguish

2007-07-11T22:18:00.000+10:00

Tears for the children who have no say
Tears for the children who don't understand
Tears for the children who have to pay
Tears for the children who are not protected
Tears for the children who learn to obey
Tears for the children of parents who harm
Tears for the pain that is never okay
Tears for the pain that doesn't reflect
Tears for their pain that's for more than one day
Prayers for the children un-burden their Heart
Prayers for the children right from the start

My Heart is breaking, our family is grieving.

I am Praying for peace, for truth, for justice, for consequences and I pray for forgiveness, for wishing the same atrocities upon this abuser and for wishing agony and a long painful stint in hell to him for every thing he has ever done.

I cannot say anything, I am actually at a loss for words, the acts are so vile, I just can not comprehend. As my own son sits at my feet and my girls are sound asleep, safe in their beds tears flow with recognition of how lucky they are and how blessed they have been.

I know the pain of the children.

I just cant imagine being there mumma.

Birthday Weekend

2007-07-09T19:06:00.000+10:00

Happy Birthday Jason
Marty and mine
Our friendly neighbour hood Spiderman (Troy)
This is the long standing joke about double chins so we all were doing the cover up. Me, Jane (Jason's wife and Lyndell)
It was a hat Party and this was the best I could do on short notice.

Well I was supposed to go to Brisbane Friday to help my babe move house and clean up I was to sick so Ben and I went down Saturday and we did as much as we could and she was happy and her new place is closer to trains shops and is much bigger.

Saturday night was Jason's Birthday Bash it was a great night and we had a ball, we danced and sang and laughed until I had to go back to Lyndell's as I was just too tired and I had a couple of drinks only 3/4 over like 6 hours but it really didn't work well with my medication so I wont be doing that again.

Kyle was there and my baby boy is back home with his mumma for a couple of weeks he is looking for work back in Brisbane, working away is taking his toll on him he is missing his girlfriend (of 1 year) and us. He may move in with Danicka yet, as the house I found for her has a small granny flat down stairs that would be perfect for him so fingers crossed it all works out.

We have to go this weekend to Ipswich to get Kyles Ute and the rest of his gear from the workers house so another long one its been so busy my head is just spinning I really need to slow down. Everyone is on to us to move back to Brisbane as we seem to be spending so much time down there since I have been better and its nice to be missed and I do miss them, we will see but having the big kids there is a huge motivation for us but I just don't know yet.

Well I am still just catching up on things as I don't get much sleep while we are away I need my own bed I'm a little funny like that and besides that I have trouble sleeping now so being away from home is a double whammy.

PS: Miss Naughty was missed. LOL

Well I will catch up with you all tomorrow.

Peace and Health To All XXX

Part 3 the phone call that changed the events

2007-07-05T10:29:00.000+10:00

Part 3 the phone call that changed the events

I am so pissing myself laughing at the thought of what I could say here. I could be artistic and embellish but I don't have too it was so funny it could only be me and them.

I am calling one of the perpetrators Little Miss Naughty and the other Mrs Naughty there not that naughty but it’s fitting and you will see why.

This story is based on actual facts but the names and places have been changed to protect the identity of the suspects involved due to the legal cases pending. All though some minor details have been left out because I need to use these at a later date for bribing purposes.(just kidding)

The phone rang and it was Little Miss Naughty, laughing hysterically Shaz -Shaz Mrs Naughty is in jail.

What? I start laughing thinking she was having a lend of me.

Then 5 minutes later I started to believe her as she stopped laughing long enough for it to sink in. I am floored by this and tying to make sense of what was being said when she hung after saying IL ring you back... I told Ben, he was a bit tipsy and thought I was lying because Mrs Naughty isnt Naughty at all, well not really and to be fair neither is Miss Naughty but Grappa will make you do things a little out of the ordinary (Remember Italian Festival)
Oh…….. back to the phone, its ringing again, Little Miss N Laughing as she is talking to me and the police about her friends incarceration. I couldn’t get out of her if she was actually arrested nor could I work out why she was there or actually where they were. She again hangs up leaving me clueless to what’s happening. By now I’m a little perturbed and worried so I start to get ready to leave and find out what’s going on even though it’s a stab in the dark to know where to go I was going to head towards town.
Ben is having a ball with my brother and B in law, my sister's in shock saying not Mrs N, she isnt Naughty, but yes my friends Mrs N has been thrown in the lock up and Miss N, full of beer and Grappa has no idea why and neither do I.

I ring Miss N back and she says she is trying to find out what is going on with Mrs N.

I hear Mrs N in the background arguing with a constable and I hear Miss N telling her just to pay the fine and let’s go.(Miss N there is more to what I heard but that’s illegal also)
Phone hangs up again I am trying to ring both on my way out the gate.
Finally Miss N rings and says we are in a cab Mrs N is upset but okay, she will ring me back.

I am presuming they are on there way home and I walk back inside to my sisters to say I will go to Mrs N’s house instead to see if alls okay when the phone rings again.

This time Miss N says with some disillusionment and panic that Mrs N is quite distraught and she needs me to fix her cause shes broken and she doesn’t know what to do, a little dramatic? a little funny?

Maybe, but I wave goodbye again as I am finding out that Miss and Mrs are at another PUB not at home.
Hello??? Are you kidding lol I am thinking this is serious besides being at another pub Mrs N never cries she has to be very upset for that to happen so I am concerned at what has gone down.(are you keeping up?)

I am half way there when the slurring voice asks where I am because I am needed urgently then she hangs up before I can even answer. I pull up I walk in to a very quiet Bar that my dad used to drink at 40years ago so I know it well. I walk in to Miss N jumping on me wrapping her legs around my waist yelling Woo Hoo at the top of her lungs then as I peel her off I have Mrs N sobbing in my arms trying to tell me she never cries but they were very mean and Miss N should never have rang me but she was glad I was there.
We were there about an hour before I threatened the barman with a severe Shazza slap if he didn’t stop serving Sambuca shots as I think they have had enough, the fact that there were handstands on the bar, laughter tears Police fines and loud obscenities of injustice should of made him consider this earlier. DaHhhhh
Okay so we are in my truck and all we have to do is drive home an easy task? One would have thought so but Mrs N had passed out and was slipping head first toward the clutch and brake while Miss N was choking her trying to get her sat up so I could drive. Then I was grabbed from behind telling me how good a friend I was for coming. (Are you kidding?) I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.
I actually had to pull over though and get Mrs N sat up because I couldn’t change gears at this stage and I had to double belt Miss N in because I couldn’t drive with them both on my lap. We finally made it Home and I carried a passed out Mrs N inside and was trying to keep Miss N quiet while I gathered their bags and put them inside to go back to Kels house.
Okay I have done my good deed, had a great laugh at MISS and MRS N’s expense and headed for home. I then had a run in with two police myself who pulled me over wondering what I was doing driving around at 11.30 pm an hour from home. I blew in the bag to prove I hadn’t been drinking and said I was on my way home from a friends house not that I thought it was any of their business as I had done nothing wrong anyway. I was trying to ring Ben at this stage because he wanted me to pick something up for him (a treat) yes I have 5 babies. No answer so I leave it and continue on my way, I get home its freezing I’m cold tired and ready for bed BUT that didn’t happen did it.
Everyone went to bed but they locked me out WTF this is shit. I knocked rang and no one woke up I went under the house got changed and tried to lay on the old sofa down stairs with no pillow or blanket until I decided I was to old and to sick to be in 3 degrees Celsius so I went back out tried every window ad door (2 storey house) then I just bashed on the front door where I could see B in-law and Ben passed out in the lounge room I could see them through a round glass window in the door. It was cold and I had nearly given up when mum finally woke up wondering what the hell was going on. My hands were cold and sore I was tired I had no voice and wanted to kill my drunken husband for having his phone on silent and not hearing me bashing the damn door down. I went on the hunt for a nikko to write on his forehead until mum begged me to calm down and go to sleep. My B in-law was laughing in his sleep and dry humping the lounge until he copped a smack in the head and then he was quiet. Ben didn’t wake up and I finally went to sleep about 4 so needless to say it was a jam packed weekend and I am going back tomorrow oy yiy yi. I need to help eldest daughter move house and then we have a Birthday party Saturday night. I will fill you in when I get back. As you may be able to tell I am a lot better than I have been and getting stronger all the time so all is well but this weekend will be quieter.

PS: I adore both my naughty friends and Love them so much they would with out a doubt do the same for me. XXX

PPS> Grappa is EVIL

Have a great weekend all.

Brisbane weekend Part 2

2007-07-04T14:02:00.000+10:00

All my Babies together Umm wait a minute babies?

How short am I ?

My Baby Brother he is less than 2 years younger than me and a big softy.

The God Parents from left Loren Ben holding Monique Kiara being held by Bones and Tenniele on the end and out of the way where she should be. Did I just say that that was a little harsh NOT!! Lets just say because I am a calmer nicer and not so angry at past indiscretions mind you a curt hello and goodbye was enough for me forgiven not forgotten but I refuse to be a hypocrite.

Danny and Kyle I remember when Ky was scared of Uncle Dan cause he was so big it didn't take long for the tables to turn. Its great seeing similarities. I didn't have that until I was 21 so I love the whole family resemblance thing 16 years ago they filled the void I had always felt and I feel blessed at how it all turned out its as if I have been a part of their lives since Birth.

My favourite little cousin Dennis he is a sweetie and has always been very generous with his affection towards me. He was 5 when we met so for him I have always been there and I think he and Kyle are very similar also. I must say there temperament and being affectionate are there best traits cause I'm a huge Hugger and kisser. I will be the old aunt they dread at parties with forehead kissing and cheek pinching.

Well I started at 6am Sunday morning after only getting a few hours sleep (you can kinda tell in the pictures I'm a little drained) Anyway I was up went and got the girls from down the road at &am and we were all ready and driving to pick up Danicka by 8am then Kyle by 8.45 and to the church by 9.15.

Phew I am ready for bed at this point but when all the family started arriving and seeing them all after a few years I was awake and happy. The actual service went well except maybe for me. I have mentioned before I laugh at inappropriate moments well yes I rose to the occasion when the Chinese Priest said "God Bress Wu" I'm sorry but it was really funny and I started a line of giggles with Ben squeezing my hand a little firmer than normal and I got the grunt. LOL His indiscreet way of saying to shut up. I tried I swear I did but Loren was laughing Tayla was laughing son, brother and eldest daughter cringing at the sounds escaping my mouth that was tightly covered with my hand by now. They were behind me and every time I snorted I would get a giggle or a kick in the ass from behind which was no help to me what so ever. I finally contained myself and the service was just over when my brother whispered in my ear from behind "God Bress wu Sista" I lost it, a high pitched squeal escaped my mouth followed by a snort and an uncontrollable hysterical laugh to which all eyes were on me Buggar exit stage left, quick smart and in a hurry. We then went to the local Tavern for nibbles drinks and lunch the place was full of laughter reminiscing and catching up on the latest news and seeing how much the kids have grown.

We left there at 3.30pm yes a very long day but extremely enjoyable. I was to drive home that night so Ben was warned but everyone went to Kels (sis) just for a while as the party ended up there. He gave me that baby but oh just a little longer ill b good look and I succumbed. I dropped him off then I went and dropped Tayla off at her friends picked my Bella (dog) up from Danas and made it back to kels before dark. Everyone was very merry and having fun. The hiding of Ben behind my brother and Dan starting with the slurred come on sis no yet, come on a little longer spiel. I gave the yer gonna get it look and went and made another cup of tea and gave them an Hour and that was to be it I still had an hours drive in front of me.

Well in the mean time I had been getting text messages and phone calls from 2 friends of mine who shall remain nameless due to the privacy act. They wanted me to meet them in the Valley for Italian festival and were trying to coax me all day with pictures of fun and joy, you have to love multimedia. It had turned cold and I was getting croaky my ear was aching and I was tired so Ben got the last drink call much to every-ones disappointment and they were arguing about sleeping over when my phone rang. Now as I have said I am one of those friends you call when your in need of anything I love to be need so I am very versatile a shoulder to cry on, letters, researching, fun, laughs, cooking, driving, fighting or bailing you out of jail, most of these I can still do. If my friends call and say they need me though there is nothing that will stop me.

I would have to be dead not to show up and I wasn't dead.

SOooooo back to the phone call that led me to not getting to bed until 1am Monday morning, catching a chill while trying to break into a house for an hour, searching for a nikko pen to brand my better half with cuss words on his head and to still being at my sisters Monday morning with swollen hands, eyes and no voice and still an hours drive ahead of me instead of home in bed with my new electric blanket waking up at home thinking of what to have for breakfast.

That will have to wait until tomorrow.

Peace and Health To All XXXX