Rambles from a twisted mind

Its Friday again: Yes my friends you know how I love these.
I was at the specialist yesterday and my white cell count has dropped again, it is now really quite low and it is showing. I am a lot slower, more tired and have Staphylococcal Infections popping up on my body. It is annoying and painful but hey only 32 weeks to go!
It could be much worse. (I will continue to say that, smile)

The big thing for now is Balance.
I find the smallest of things upsetting, I question my validity in my relationship, I find it difficult to articulate what I feel and second-guess the legitimacy of any complaints I may have. The drugs really mess with my head.
I have had emotional struggles in the past but I have dealt with these silently and well. (Eventually)
Drugs (through treatment) have put me in a very vulnerable position emotionally and mentally. I find this the hardest to bear out of all my side affects; it puts a huge strain on everything. I am confused and guilt ridden by my massive mood swings and agitated state of mind.
I am very good at putting on a front for acquaintances and people over the phone (respectfully).
My family and relationship are struggling beneath my wavier of hesitation and indecisive behavior.
I am angry all the time (when I have the energy)
I cry at the drop of a hat and I want to pull out my already thinning hair through sheer frustration over what???
Nothing? Something? I don’t understand the problem, I just don’t fuken know anything and it sucks big time.
I am strong, I am outwardly confident; I am capable in the eyes of all who meet me.
The inside on the other hand, the part hidden away that doesn’t dare show her fear has almost reverted back into a confused and emotionally damaging state of mind that I haven’t dealt with for a very long, long time..
I was WARNED this is a long difficult road, physically demanding and emotionally draining.
I was WARNED that people with severe depression or a history of any mental health issues should not have this treatment. I can see why!!
I am not a depressive person with bi-polar nor do I consider that I could be classified as having a history of mental illness.
I have experienced trauma and emotionally testing times but I consider any depression symptomatic of a certain situation.
Knowing all this makes no difference trying to cope emotionally with this situation and it should.
I was WARNED I was PREPARED.
My lingering questions are????? Again through this are.........
Will my emotions reflect who I really am or used to be before treatment?
These drugs alter my thought process to a point where I don’t understand anything.
I cannot make decisions easily and I can’t even talk properly sometimes, my thoughts don’t match my mouth or my true heart. It is difficult to balance everyday life being a good mum and holding up my end of the responsibilities in my relationship.
My specialist assures me this is all-normal and will stop when treatment does.
Its hard on Ben as we share very different roles in our relationship. I am not holding up my end and he is struggling with both.
I am feeling a little withdrawn and confused and as most of my rants go I suppose this is no different, tomorrow’s another day.

I will probably reread this and think what a sook.
But this is my shit for today.

I have had my little bitch session so I will send you Love Peace and Health To you all.

Thinking of you all always. xxxx