8 weeks...... Marks my Falling from Grace

I have thought this far I have done okay, all you gorgeous people help me through this journey and with out your unwaivering support I dont Know what I would of done with out you.

BUT Tonight I fall..............



Today was Specialist Day.

I have monthly appointments, it doesn't seem like 4 weeks ago I had my last visit to him, that well Umm if you remember didn't go so well.
Today was different, yes in a good way, it came and went without any real incident.
I have 4 more weeks till "D" Day. The day I find out if the last 3 months has made a difference.

There will be one of three out comes.....

FIRST: The treatment has made no difference what so ever and it will be stopped. That will mean my disease will get progressively worse and I will just have to be treated symptomatically and eventually well you know.
SECOND: The treatment has made a small dent in my disease and we continue until the 24 week mark then test again. If no change by week 24 then the prognosis is the same as the above.
THIRD: This is the optimal result, My results come back as there being no trace of the disease in my blood and we continue on for the full 48 weeks and then I have a 85% chance of a complete cure.

My white cell count has risen which is great news and everything else is going to plan my liver function tests are all over the place but that's okay.

Well my news is reasonably positive?

The treatment is doing what it should so far and the worst of the extreme side effects are better than they were (physically anyway)
SO.......................
Why am I sitting here trying to type through tears welling in my eyes?
Why is my heart aching as if I have lost someone close to me?
Why am I at war within my own subconscious?

My head is in a constant battle with my heart and my inner core is posing the question of what the hell is going on in here.

I am at war with myself emotionally and physically.
As positive as I try to be my head keeps bringing me down to a level of insecurity that I thought I had dealt with many years ago and many times over.
I am at Peace. I feel at Peace.
Generally.......................... but somethings wrong and its out of my control.
I feel overwhelmed unloved alone and my head is playing those old games again, but my heart is fighting back so at the moment reality BITES.
As a little girl I felt loved I was loved BUT I always thought it was conditional upon lots of things.
Like.....getting good grades, winning races, competitions and just being the best the happiest anything that made me feel worthy, worthy of the "love" bestowed upon me.
I did all those things, but as a kid and young adult I felt as though I had to do whatever it took to be loved (and I did) My children changed that and I started to feel worthy of Love for the right reasons.
I was at ease with my adoption and am at ease but maybe I felt as though I had to earn Love because I was chosen, not because I was given up but because I was chosen and I didn't feel worthy for whatever reason.
( whow that was a self psycho analysis of my child hood and my demons that I am in no way qualified to do, giggle)
I do feel worthy, I deserve to be loved and I know this.
So what is going on?
This treatment is messing with my head the drugs are giving me drug induced paranoia and an angry and agitated uncontrollable feeling of rage and dismay of unworthiness.
I feel as though I have to many people in my head bringing me down, to many arguments that I cant remember how they started all of this is happening inside me on our silent trip to the doctor and goes on regularly at different moments during my day or week.
I feel as if I have lost control of everything, this stage is difficult but apparently normal and is putting pressure on my relationship as I don't know whats real if its me if I am wrong or right about anything.
I feel like I have, and, am going completely mad. My highs are High and my lows well there in the gutter. I have just taken a pause to chat with poet and I feel better, sort of.
We chatted and I loved it, the only problem is, she thinks as do you that, I am confident, I am strong well that's not actually a problem because I feel as though I am but this treatment is testing my whole inner strength with every fibre of my entire body.
I should, we should, be enjoying our time alone with out kids but instead I am in a constant tug of war with reality, me and Ben for that matter.
I so want this to be a great year it will be a great year but these drugs and this treatment is hard, I have just taken another pause to be sick (and brush my teeth) sigh.
Excuse my rambles but I cant explain this >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Treatment...........torture........... trials......... tribulations........ everything sux at the moment.

I am scared of the What Ifs? the questions that can only come with time.
Questions LIKE: Will this cure me?
: Will my head and body get back to normal?
: Will the war inside of me end peacefully and on the real Me's terms?
: Will my relationship survive me and this?

Maybe the real question, the only question that haunts my soul with all the strength that I have and Portray is....... : Will I survive?

I hate Drugs

I hate not being in control

I hate pain

I hate vomiting

I hate treatment

I hate that I have given up smoking

I Hate THAT my HEAD feels to HEAVY for my NecK causing me PAIN

I hate ME.................................... at the moment

With all that HATE I do love you for being with me and allowing me to vent without judgement or ridacule and I do LOve that.

Huge hugs Health and Peace xx