Tuesday, January 09, 2007

8 weeks...... Marks my Falling from Grace

I have thought this far I have done okay, all you gorgeous people help me through this journey and with out your unwaivering support I dont Know what I would of done with out you.

BUT Tonight I fall..............



Today was Specialist Day.

I have monthly appointments, it doesn't seem like 4 weeks ago I had my last visit to him, that well Umm if you remember didn't go so well.
Today was different, yes in a good way, it came and went without any real incident.
I have 4 more weeks till "D" Day. The day I find out if the last 3 months has made a difference.

There will be one of three out comes.....

FIRST: The treatment has made no difference what so ever and it will be stopped. That will mean my disease will get progressively worse and I will just have to be treated symptomatically and eventually well you know.
SECOND: The treatment has made a small dent in my disease and we continue until the 24 week mark then test again. If no change by week 24 then the prognosis is the same as the above.
THIRD: This is the optimal result, My results come back as there being no trace of the disease in my blood and we continue on for the full 48 weeks and then I have a 85% chance of a complete cure.

My white cell count has risen which is great news and everything else is going to plan my liver function tests are all over the place but that's okay.

Well my news is reasonably positive?

The treatment is doing what it should so far and the worst of the extreme side effects are better than they were (physically anyway)
SO.......................
Why am I sitting here trying to type through tears welling in my eyes?
Why is my heart aching as if I have lost someone close to me?
Why am I at war within my own subconscious?

My head is in a constant battle with my heart and my inner core is posing the question of what the hell is going on in here.

I am at war with myself emotionally and physically.
As positive as I try to be my head keeps bringing me down to a level of insecurity that I thought I had dealt with many years ago and many times over.
I am at Peace. I feel at Peace.
Generally.......................... but somethings wrong and its out of my control.
I feel overwhelmed unloved alone and my head is playing those old games again, but my heart is fighting back so at the moment reality BITES.
As a little girl I felt loved I was loved BUT I always thought it was conditional upon lots of things.
Like.....getting good grades, winning races, competitions and just being the best the happiest anything that made me feel worthy, worthy of the "love" bestowed upon me.
I did all those things, but as a kid and young adult I felt as though I had to do whatever it took to be loved (and I did) My children changed that and I started to feel worthy of Love for the right reasons.
I was at ease with my adoption and am at ease but maybe I felt as though I had to earn Love because I was chosen, not because I was given up but because I was chosen and I didn't feel worthy for whatever reason.
( whow that was a self psycho analysis of my child hood and my demons that I am in no way qualified to do, giggle)
I do feel worthy, I deserve to be loved and I know this.
So what is going on?
This treatment is messing with my head the drugs are giving me drug induced paranoia and an angry and agitated uncontrollable feeling of rage and dismay of unworthiness.
I feel as though I have to many people in my head bringing me down, to many arguments that I cant remember how they started all of this is happening inside me on our silent trip to the doctor and goes on regularly at different moments during my day or week.
I feel as if I have lost control of everything, this stage is difficult but apparently normal and is putting pressure on my relationship as I don't know whats real if its me if I am wrong or right about anything.
I feel like I have, and, am going completely mad. My highs are High and my lows well there in the gutter. I have just taken a pause to chat with poet and I feel better, sort of.
We chatted and I loved it, the only problem is, she thinks as do you that, I am confident, I am strong well that's not actually a problem because I feel as though I am but this treatment is testing my whole inner strength with every fibre of my entire body.
I should, we should, be enjoying our time alone with out kids but instead I am in a constant tug of war with reality, me and Ben for that matter.
I so want this to be a great year it will be a great year but these drugs and this treatment is hard, I have just taken another pause to be sick (and brush my teeth) sigh.
Excuse my rambles but I cant explain this >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Treatment...........torture........... trials......... tribulations........ everything sux at the moment.

I am scared of the What Ifs? the questions that can only come with time.
Questions LIKE: Will this cure me?
: Will my head and body get back to normal?
: Will the war inside of me end peacefully and on the real Me's terms?
: Will my relationship survive me and this?

Maybe the real question, the only question that haunts my soul with all the strength that I have and Portray is....... : Will I survive?


I hate Drugs

I hate not being in control

I hate pain

I hate vomiting

I hate treatment

I hate that I have given up smoking

I Hate THAT my HEAD feels to HEAVY for my NecK causing me PAIN

I hate ME.................................... at the moment

With all that HATE I do love you for being with me and allowing me to vent without judgement or ridacule and I do LOve that.

Huge hugs Health and Peace xx

21 Comments:

At 12:14 am , Anonymous poet said...

was a realy treat talking with you this morning. thank you for venting and sharing. this blog space world is chock full of support, no matter the trials we face. take care of you! hugs and love from poet.

 
At 6:05 am , Anonymous ceanandjen said...

email on the way....sending you so much love....

 
At 6:50 am , Blogger To The Moon said...

I so know what you mean about surviving.....hang in there girl. My prayers are with you and your family.

 
At 12:08 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:09 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:11 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:11 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:11 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:12 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:12 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:13 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:13 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:14 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:15 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:15 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Shaz,

I simply wanted to thank you for the encouragement you left on my blog. I was quite caught off guard to find that the kindest and most uplifting comments came from a complete stranger! What a new world we live in. So, I spent a good amount of time trying to learn about the person who would take the effort to make a huge difference in my week—for which I thank you.

I believe I have learned as much about you from your own writing as I have from the people who left comments for you (which I'm sure is only a shadow of the full you). You (correct me if I’m wrong) are a bit introverted but not shy, scared-but-courageous, funny without demanding the center of attention.(?) Sounds like you’ve made some tough decisions throughout your life, but always with your family’s best interests at heart. And to have a Ben and a Bek…we should all be so fortunate!

Anyway, compelling as you are, I will have to check in regularly now; hope that is OK.

Jeff

 
At 12:25 pm , Blogger Jeff said...

Oops--sorry about that. I really don't know what happened!

 
At 2:38 pm , Blogger Shaz said...

LOL Jeff your pretty spot on actually. And who knows with the comment thing but its okay. Giggle

 
At 3:55 pm , Blogger Deb R said...

Shaz, I'm so sorry things are so rough right now. And that feeling knowing that some of what you're feeling is due to the drugs but not being able to do anything about it...that blows. Sending lots of good thoughts your way that things get better~~~~~

PS...I put a little something in the mail to you today, so hopefully you'll get it in the next week or so. Hope you like it.

 
At 8:08 pm , Blogger Vanessa said...

Shazzy momma,
I wish, I wish, I wish I could invite myself over to your place NOW and smile at you till you smiled back and sit with you and chat over a cup of tea.
I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to walk your path... I think your courage and positive outlook are so admirable. I also think that feeling dejected from time to time is completely fair. It is, of course, inevitable that you ask yourself the question 'will I survive'. Your bare and beautiful honesty in putting that in writing proves how truly brave you are. So, I really don't think that you have fallen from grace at all. To me you are even higher up on the pedestal of my admiration.
Thank you so much for contacting Alison. I see she has added a link on her blog to the really useful website you passed on.
I'm delighted to hear there has been a rise in your white cell count. I'm with you all the way, B.Momma :)
Vanessa
xxxx

 
At 3:55 am , Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

Dear one,

I just sent you all my thoughts in email, but know that I'm proud of you for writing this, for putting your fears out there.

Good news about the treatment so far and I will be praying for MORE good news in four weeks.

Love you lots,
Deb

 
At 12:17 pm , Anonymous Anonymous said...

(((Shaz))) I hope, pray for things to get better for you. It sounds like such a rough treatment you are going through...and if it wasn't for the side effects of the drugs, it would probably be so much easier to deal with. I think anybody in your situation would have these fears and questions at times.

Lots of prayers for you sweetie..

sandy/dd

 

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