Rambling memory of my child hood strength

I am relieved, I know you all said I would be fine and I do thank you for empowering me and giving me the strength to get through it. (no matter how ridiculous)

Your encouragement is invaluable to me and I had pictured a few of you standing behind me talking me through in spirit and I thank you for that.

It still seems a little strange to me that such a little thing like hair could unravel me.

I have endured much greater obstacles and survived and flourished in difficult times.

I even have the scars to prove it, big scars, tough scars. LOL

I do like my scars, even the ugly ones and yet HAIR which will grow back sends me into freak out mode.

Now that my hairs gone I feel more relaxed and I am ready for anything even loosing the lot, its really strange but I feel comforted by taking that first step.

I feel stronger and more secure with what I have endured in my life. I have sort of taken a few huge steps these few months. It has been said I have lived the life of many in my 36 years and I suppose if you work story by story, year by year I have endured a couple of hurdles(wink)

I wouldn't change a thing.

If it doesn't kill you its make you stronger.

I am who I am and I like who I have become. I don't use my past as an excuse to hurt other people nor do I use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. Some people do and they shit me. I have no time for that at all. I am not unsympathetic. All though, I am intolerant to assholes who a difficult childhood of any kind to commit despicable acts on an other living things or commit crimes because there life was so difficult.

I am sorry but I would never intentionally hurt any body because of what I have been through. Its not an excuse that washes with me.

I do have some wicked scars and some of them are real talking pieces, some I don't talk about much at all and some well, I am just beginning to be able to express the story behind them without fear of defining myself by them.

One in particular, on my left upper chest, originally it started a couple of inches from my nipple and went across my chest on an angle up and over my shoulder. Now it is only a few inches long and about an inch wide it is still seen in a low cut shirt but has faded considerably over the years and it has taken a long time for me to share this story openly.

It was pelting with rain the drought had broken and our tiny town had gutters overflowing into the streets and the local river and swimming hole was pumping. We used to take our truck tubes down and ride the small rapids each weekend but we weren't allowed near the river when it was running like this. It was dangerous, fallen trees and branches and god knows what travelling with the flow of water beneath the surface. It was something we didn't have to be told we just always knew no swimming after or during storms.

This was after my dad had died and my mum was a fully blown alcoholic living with grief and denial of what was going on around her. She was dating another man if you can call it that, he turned out to be the one and only man she dated and she has been alone now for the last 18 years or so because of it.(he left when the money ran out)

He was an awful man to say the very least (I am keeping it clean) He spent my mums money and kept her drunk and in the dark without any recollection of many of her days at that time. He hated my interference in their relationship and couldn't resist overpowering me in as many ways possible (I need not expand). He had wanted me out of the picture and told me so on several occasions. I spent many a night awake and wondering what was going to happen next. Anyway I am digressing. I had decided that with mum at the pub and the amount of rain that had fallen I was going to go and have some fun I hated Saturdays because Saturday nights were the worst. Mum would pass out and I would have to deal with the consequences, why stick around for that? Why? when there was adventure to be had, an escape, if only for a little while.

I set off on my bike toward the river I was rebellious and didn't care if I got caught. My mums friends son who was 2 years older than me came as well.

Coincidence? Planning? Accident? Who knows......

On that day I didn't make it to the river and I didn't actually see how fast the water was running and I am sure I missed out on some wild rapids because it had been raining for days.

Just as I turned the corner with the bridge in sight, I was hit from behind by a speeding car.

I was thrown over the top of the car and rolled off the roof on to a steel guide rail. I had broken at least 10 ribs busted my bottom lip (another scar) Cut open my chest and breast, split my head and had cuts and bruises all over my body.

The car didn't stop. I did see it speed away and I had seen the car before. I tried to catch my breath as I lifted my self off the corner of the steel rail that had pierced through my chest.

I collapsed by the side of the road. I remember being covered in blood and not being able to breath it took a little while for me gain composure.

My friend freaked out and started to cry he knew as well as I did. I just picked up my my bike, told him to go home and not say anything or he would get into trouble as well. I pushed my bike home with his jacket around me to hide the blood running down my chest. I sat under my house in the corner of the laundry trying to clean myself up before my little brother found me or worse my mum and her drinking friends. My memory of that day is vivid the look on my mums face when she finally came home unforgettable.

Her words how ever are not, she organised for her drunken friends border to take me to hospital, she was drunk panicked and totally out of control.

I told her what happened and she said I must of been mistaken.

Mistaken?, sorry but I was not mistaken. I will spare you the guilt though and try to be your mother and take care of you right now because this is way to much for you to absorb I haven't endured all of this time to make you feel bad now. You will be okay again when you get over loosing dad you will love us again and take care of us like you use to, wont you?

The doctor believed I fell off the rope at the river and hit a rocky ledge on my way down and that's the story that worked for my mum also. It didn't work for me but I had no choice, It didn't work for my Nana or my uncle and I was shifted down to recuperate with them. They couldn't prove anything that I denied. (I was protecting my mum or so I thought)

So I have a great scar and a not so great story to match, although the only version I usually share is that I was hit by a car when I was young and that's shocking enough.

But when the truth is revealed and the secret shared my load gets a little lighter and my pain a little less. I am a survivor of a twisted mans torment and I am a survivor of cancer I survived a stroke with little side effects.... side effects.. huh ffects. (just kidding)

I know who was driving. I know the intent behind my accident and I am still here.

I am here with short hair.........Go figure

I can say quite confidently now, its only "HAIR"

Well there you go don't ask me why I just blurted because you know I just do sometimes but I feel better for it so I suppose that's the main thing.

Just in case you have ?????'s He was never charged nor was he ever reported nor do I want to I am past that now I have forgiven what has happened to me and I have forgiven my mum. We don't talk about it and that's okay, I have forgiven her as well. Most of all I have forgiven myself.

Peace and Health my Friends xx