There is not title to this, it makes no sense to me at all.
Well okay, I am in shock, I umm am just overwhelmed by what has been said and done to me today. I have been treated with such disgusting disregard of my existence that I don't know what to do. To say I am devastated is a huge understatement, I am honestly just amazed that someone, another human being with a beating heart has torn me apart to this extent. I don't even know where to begin. So please bear with me I have to put this down to try and make some sense of what has happened.
I had a phone call today from an Aunt by marriage, she has been separated from my uncle for something like 10 years. My Uncle and I were very close he was my godfather, he lived with my Nana as did we and he did until she died. He was my dads brother and my dad was my whole world until he died when I was 12 that is when things changed but one thing that didn't was my uncle and I. Yes we had fights but that's normal. I spent more time with my uncle over anyone after my dad died and then my Nan, We had each other that's it as far as family was. I didn't have a lot to do with my mum at that time.(she lost it when she lost Dad) He was even there for me when I gave birth to my first 2 kids and spent a few months out of every year with me in Cairns until I moved down from there. I don't know about you but it sounds close when I say it, it is close, I know what we have. He was going to give me away at my wedding to Ben after my treatment next year.
My ex and I were married in the registry office (but he was there)
Well....... it was close and all who knew me knew this most important of all we knew this.
I had been having a bad day, a migraine that I couldn't get under control. I kept throwing up the meds that I had, so needless to say not well and not up to confrontation.
Okay that's fine I can deal with that.....................
Then......... I have a missed call on my mobile.
I was unable to get it in time. A voice mail was left by the Aunt.(they never divorced)
It said as Follows.....Sharon I am ringing to tell you Charlie is Dead if you want to ring me my number is the same as it has been always.(it had been maybe 4 years since her and I spoke we never had an argument we just drifted apart as you do and she didnt live with my uncle, so....)
In shock of the news and the coldness of her tone, I rang her back straightaway and as you could imagine I didn't say much I couldn't say much. I am still trying to understand what the hell has happened at this time.
She said... Is that you Sharon I obviously said yes what has happened?
I cant believe what came next, all in one breath she told me he went to Hospital Friday, he died Monday, she cremated him this morning (Wednesday) his house is cleared out, she has given away what she didn't, want and that's what he would of wanted.
I couldn't breathe, I still cant, I still didn't say a word.
What do I say to this person?
What do I do now?
What in the hell has just happened to my world.
I am crying, shaking, vomiting and dumb founded.
She continued to tell me how great her grand-daughter was WHAT? (I don't know her I dont care) She then said she was putting my Uncles ashes on her ex-husbands grave and that's where she wants to be also, so the 3 of them can be together when shes gone. This was her second breath.
My uncle didn't know him. They weren't even married until he was 55 they haven't children together and they have been separated for like ever.
What the Hell is going on here?
I don't know what to do or say, I don't know if by posting this it makes me look like an idiot or that I am after something from someone but maybe I am.
Answers...... is what I want.
Direction....... is what I want.
To not have this woman tear the rug out from underneath my already unsteady feet......
....... is what I want.
Peace....... is what I want.
To hold him one more time is what I want.
To tell him I love him is what I want.
For him to give me away is what I want. But what I want doesn't seem to matter SHIT.
I want To know how anybody can do this to anyone is what I really want.
I want To know just what to do now is what I want.
What I don't want is sympathy.
What I don't want is to be so sick that I cant think.
What I don't want is to be feeling so lost and unsure of everything I have ever thought.
What I don't want is to get into my car drive to Brisbane and choke the living shit out of this person who with 1 call, 2 breaths and many actions has shattered my world.
I cant make sense of this.
I don't understand, I really just don't understand what I do now. I don't know anything
WHY WHY WHY that's what is plaguing my already fuked up head.
Why? wouldn't you call me you couldn't have just forgotten me amidst the turmoil of telling everyone there was only me, just me ,I was his only family fuk just ME.
She said she was the only one who got to say goodbye.
She was the only one at his cremation.
She was the only one because I didn't know.
Oh my God What has she done?