"Past_Present_Future"

I have had a lot of time to think lately not necessarily more than usual but time while I'm wincing with pain or holding up my head over a bowl (smile).
My past has put me in my present and both of these combined have put me on a path to my future.
Mistakes and misfortune, not necessarily by my own hand has put me here. Here is where I'm supposed to be, my journey getting here, well, to be honest not the easiest. I believe it could of been worse and that kept me going to a point, looking at the brighter side helped. BUT> Early loss of stability and love. Early loss and Intervention of childhood innocence. Having responsibility over my own future as an adult while I was still a child has put me here.
Working at night, going to high school during the day, looking after myself and paying my own bills at the tender age of 14 were hard. I looked like an adult, I acted like an adult but I wasn't an adult.
I was a little girl in a big girls world. My world became one of deception and secrets. I became eluded to the fact that I was a child, my only reminder was a school uniform in the closet. I was alone, living two very different lives.
One as a school kid with homework study and sport, the other a working adult with rent and long hours serving drunks. Two sets of friends, kids my own age with no knowledge of the fact that I worked in the city and that's why I wasn't hanging out at the shops after school and then on the flipside, people I worked with who had no idea that I went to school during the week and was only 14 years old. It was difficult but to be honest I kinda got a kick out of the fact that I was able to keep up the charade for so long but that was a fantasy. I was able to get good grades and do very well at my job not having either one interfere nor cross paths with the other. (for a while anyway)
I did what I had to do. I was fiercely independent and very strong willed I never asked for help, I never got to close and I hid my secrets along with my pain . I was on the surface a happy smiling teenager who was always trying to stay one step ahead of everyone including herself who lied constantly, mainly to herself. I told myself I was okay, that I could handle it no one could ever hurt me again because I was in control of me and my life. People only knew what I told them which wasn't much. How wrong I was. It all finally came to a head when one night 2 older brothers of friends of mine from school walked into the bar. I was finally caught, found out, my world went into a spin.
I seen things and I did things to survive in a world that could of easily broken my spirit at one point it did and by the grace of God I survived. On the other hand I am not a person who gives up or who accepts that just because bad things happen to you, it gives you an out or an excuse you might say, not to be the very best person that you can be.
So I packed my bags, I left and I hitch hiked to the furtherest town at the tip of Australia accessible by road, Cooktown, I was 16 years old. It is there I met my husband moved to cairns and had 4 of the most amazing children whom I vowed and declared would never ever go through or suffer the injustices as I did as a child.
So I was new again and I left that scared child behind and started again. I lived my life and raised my children without ever really revealing my pain or my secrets. I began all over again with the act of being in control and independent I didn't want to use my past as an excuse for failure and I never have. I didn't want to be categorized as the woman who had appalling things happen to her as a child. I considered myself a survivor but no one else needed to know that. I was more about being the perfect mother an friend running myself into the ground to the point of a breakdown to be everything for everyone while inside I was dying and crying for not being true to myself as I was so ashamed.

I liked here then but where would I of been had my childhood been "normal". I pondered this question a lot before, but I couldn't think about it as no one really knew that I didn't have a happy childhood from the age of 12 my pain wasn't shared it was hidden. Then I finally needed to be me the real me and I couldn't do that living a lie............ SOooooo.............
My children were products of divorce after 15 years and that's a normal I wish I could of spared them but 6 1/2 years on they are much better off for it. as are my ex and I.

Here is different here is honest with a man who I have shared my secrets the ones that I didn't want to accept, those I pushed aside, the ones that sometimes come back in the middle of the night, the ones that make me break out in a sweat with a fear that is as real today as it was so many years ago I lied about those nightmares before I was with Ben and said I didn't know why I had them. I lied, because I was scared. Ben made me feel safe and I did not feel judged, insecure or vulnerable about who I was or my purpose here.
He alone knows these things and my trust in him is undeniable. He is the first person that I let my guard down with. The very first to know the whole truth not just the selected bits. I had always kept all of the painful stuff tucked away as, but Ben was different he pushed out of love, to know and he is the first person I believed that would truly love me and embrace my past as a part of me. I refused to give myself as a whole person before, I lived with my pain and shame alone. I was who I wanted to be without the pain of my past and being someone else was a difficult charade to keep up for over 20 years.
Gladly I don't have to do that now. I am who I am because of my past and its not me who has to bear the burden of shame I was the victim not the perpetrator. A lesson well learned thanks to Ben. I live openly honestly and guilt free, free of secrets, free of fear just free in a relationship of complete love trust and honesty. I thank him for my place here and I love here. I don't need to know where I would have been, because I know where I belong and my future is bright, full of love hope and trust. I started writing this as a release for me and only me but secrets of my past are a huge part of me in my present there is no need for the vile details of all the bits. ...............BECAUSE
I'm Proud of who I am and I embrace my past as a lesson learnt on how to love and look forward to my future one step at a time. I am not ashamed to share, which is a huge step for me.
This will make me think less and dream better, letting go and sharing myself in this small (but long, Sorry) way helps.

So this is me.............Past Present Future