Thursday, November 23, 2006

"Past_Present_Future"

I have had a lot of time to think lately not necessarily more than usual but time while I'm wincing with pain or holding up my head over a bowl (smile).
My past has put me in my present and both of these combined have put me on a path to my future.
Mistakes and misfortune, not necessarily by my own hand has put me here. Here is where I'm supposed to be, my journey getting here, well, to be honest not the easiest. I believe it could of been worse and that kept me going to a point, looking at the brighter side helped. BUT> Early loss of stability and love. Early loss and Intervention of childhood innocence. Having responsibility over my own future as an adult while I was still a child has put me here.
Working at night, going to high school during the day, looking after myself and paying my own bills at the tender age of 14 were hard. I looked like an adult, I acted like an adult but I wasn't an adult.
I was a little girl in a big girls world. My world became one of deception and secrets. I became eluded to the fact that I was a child, my only reminder was a school uniform in the closet. I was alone, living two very different lives.
One as a school kid with homework study and sport, the other a working adult with rent and long hours serving drunks. Two sets of friends, kids my own age with no knowledge of the fact that I worked in the city and that's why I wasn't hanging out at the shops after school and then on the flipside, people I worked with who had no idea that I went to school during the week and was only 14 years old. It was difficult but to be honest I kinda got a kick out of the fact that I was able to keep up the charade for so long but that was a fantasy. I was able to get good grades and do very well at my job not having either one interfere nor cross paths with the other. (for a while anyway)
I did what I had to do. I was fiercely independent and very strong willed I never asked for help, I never got to close and I hid my secrets along with my pain . I was on the surface a happy smiling teenager who was always trying to stay one step ahead of everyone including herself who lied constantly, mainly to herself. I told myself I was okay, that I could handle it no one could ever hurt me again because I was in control of me and my life. People only knew what I told them which wasn't much. How wrong I was. It all finally came to a head when one night 2 older brothers of friends of mine from school walked into the bar. I was finally caught, found out, my world went into a spin.
I seen things and I did things to survive in a world that could of easily broken my spirit at one point it did and by the grace of God I survived. On the other hand I am not a person who gives up or who accepts that just because bad things happen to you, it gives you an out or an excuse you might say, not to be the very best person that you can be.
So I packed my bags, I left and I hitch hiked to the furtherest town at the tip of Australia accessible by road, Cooktown, I was 16 years old. It is there I met my husband moved to cairns and had 4 of the most amazing children whom I vowed and declared would never ever go through or suffer the injustices as I did as a child.
So I was new again and I left that scared child behind and started again. I lived my life and raised my children without ever really revealing my pain or my secrets. I began all over again with the act of being in control and independent I didn't want to use my past as an excuse for failure and I never have. I didn't want to be categorized as the woman who had appalling things happen to her as a child. I considered myself a survivor but no one else needed to know that. I was more about being the perfect mother an friend running myself into the ground to the point of a breakdown to be everything for everyone while inside I was dying and crying for not being true to myself as I was so ashamed.

I liked here then but where would I of been had my childhood been "normal". I pondered this question a lot before, but I couldn't think about it as no one really knew that I didn't have a happy childhood from the age of 12 my pain wasn't shared it was hidden. Then I finally needed to be me the real me and I couldn't do that living a lie............ SOooooo.............
My children were products of divorce after 15 years and that's a normal I wish I could of spared them but 6 1/2 years on they are much better off for it. as are my ex and I.

Here is different here is honest with a man who I have shared my secrets the ones that I didn't want to accept, those I pushed aside, the ones that sometimes come back in the middle of the night, the ones that make me break out in a sweat with a fear that is as real today as it was so many years ago I lied about those nightmares before I was with Ben and said I didn't know why I had them. I lied, because I was scared. Ben made me feel safe and I did not feel judged, insecure or vulnerable about who I was or my purpose here.
He alone knows these things and my trust in him is undeniable. He is the first person that I let my guard down with. The very first to know the whole truth not just the selected bits. I had always kept all of the painful stuff tucked away as, but Ben was different he pushed out of love, to know and he is the first person I believed that would truly love me and embrace my past as a part of me. I refused to give myself as a whole person before, I lived with my pain and shame alone. I was who I wanted to be without the pain of my past and being someone else was a difficult charade to keep up for over 20 years.
Gladly I don't have to do that now. I am who I am because of my past and its not me who has to bear the burden of shame I was the victim not the perpetrator. A lesson well learned thanks to Ben. I live openly honestly and guilt free, free of secrets, free of fear just free in a relationship of complete love trust and honesty. I thank him for my place here and I love here. I don't need to know where I would have been, because I know where I belong and my future is bright, full of love hope and trust. I started writing this as a release for me and only me but secrets of my past are a huge part of me in my present there is no need for the vile details of all the bits. ...............BECAUSE
I'm Proud of who I am and I embrace my past as a lesson learnt on how to love and look forward to my future one step at a time. I am not ashamed to share, which is a huge step for me.
This will make me think less and dream better, letting go and sharing myself in this small (but long, Sorry) way helps.

So this is me.............Past Present Future

8 Comments:

At 2:45 am , Blogger Vanessa said...

What can I say, Shaz? Wow, this release, this stream of thought spilling out is amazing.
You have so much to be proud of, you darling person.
I firmly believe that you overcame your difficulties one by one as destiny would have it and you will continue to do so in the same brave and graceful way.
You really shine, you know?
Vanessa
Kisses from Ireland ;) and wishes for a great weekend...

 
At 2:54 am , Blogger JP (mom) said...

Wow, Shaz! What a beautifully powerful piece. Through your own strength, along with the love and support of Ben, you are in a healthy place where you can embrace your past as part of your history, but live in the present as the woman who overcame that history and adversity. You are the Shaz of today & you can love the Shaz of yesterday, the little girl Shaz, and move forward - a powerfully integrated woman. Bravo for writing this and bravo for sharing it with your tribe of lovelies. much peace, love and a big hug ... JP

 
At 4:15 am , Blogger Deb R said...

Thank you for doing us the honor of sharing this part of your story with us, Shaz. You are truly an amazing woman and I'm glad I'm getting to know you. Sending good thoughts your way~~~~~

 
At 3:29 pm , Blogger sandy said...

Wow Shaz..I was so busy today I didn't get here earlier. What a post and how utterly honest...You have had quite a path through your "years" but look at where you have come integrity-wise, with telling the truth...you are your own person now secrets and all...but which aren't secrets anymore.

Look at the healing you have done. The physical healing will catch up...you just have to know that it is in there and its' almost like the physical problems you are dealing with are just the last strong-hold and they are fighting to stay...But...you can't have experienced this much integration without evidence showing up in the physical body.

Hang in there...and be like the birds and soar...even on those bad days, you have the ability to go some place away from the pain...so let that spirit soar, and bless your physical body for dealing with clearing out all the old stuff..

I know its' easier said than done. I can't imagine what you must be experiencing. I have empathy about that...but even more I have admiration for what you have been through and you are NOW here..and with such a great guy...You know, he is a reflection of that healthy you that wanted to come out..

I hope your days are filled with ease...

sandy

 
At 4:53 am , Anonymous Anonymous said...

i can't imagine what it was like for you to still be a child but have all of those adult responsibilities...this post is such a beautiful example of acceptance...thank you for this.

 
At 7:05 pm , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Baby i love you and i know u (we)will get throught this and be better then ever if that is possible, dont ever forget that.
iam in for the long haul.
I couldnt think of any one else that i would rather spend the rest of my life with.
I love you BIGGER THAN THAT....ha

 
At 3:59 am , Blogger Darlene said...

Shazzie Poo ~ lovely woman...what a strong soul you have. Thank you for sharing these insights of who you are. To see you smile today (even over the bowl) is grace personified. You have raised a beautiful family, dispite the odds, and what you are doing today is all out of love. You have such a big heart.

While you take time to think about your life and all it took to bring you here today, know that in this present, you are more lovely than ever.

What mercy and grace your children must see in you.

I love you sweetie....and more
xxx darlene

 
At 2:11 pm , Blogger ::Bek Geach:: said...

I hope you are sleeping better sharing your story angel.

You have written it so beautifully and I had a tear.

I am proud of you ... very, very proud of you!

You are a wonderful person and you mean the world to me.

OKAY.. .I just saw Ben's comment... now I am crying!!
I LOVES YOU TWO !!
I cant wait to see you again soon.
BIG SQISHY HUGS...!!
Bx

 

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