Ramblings of a Confused Mind (AGAIN)

Well its Monday here and I am up out of bed, showered, legs shaved, hair washed, arm pits whipper snipped (Hairrrrrrry Maclary) This is an every day or maybe a every couple of day thing for women girls you know what I mean, unless of course you have babies then hairy is to be expected who the hell has time right?. To be honest for me at the moment this is an achievement in it's self, especially all of this with no pain killers YAY for me. I have not actually washed my hair myself in nearly a month. Ben has done it the last few times but it has been nearly 2 weeks since its last washing Mmmmm smelly girl, lol. Its too cold to be in bed with wet hair and I can't wash it myself, let alone dry it. (I feel like a baby GRrrrrr)
Now don’t get me wrong I have showered but I haven't taken anytime to do the things that make you feel like a woman and not a like a Neanderthal which is what I looked like before I hit the shower this morning.
I’m not kidding I had turned Ferrel. I am not a hairy person generally (not bad for half wog) and my hair is fair but for shits sake, when it gets to the length it had, I looked like a palomino pony with its winter coat (not very seductive or sexy my friends) The bags under my eyes are a little lighter today, my skin not so blotchy, the furrows are not permanently etched into my brow line as they are when I am in pain, and I truly feel free at this moment. I should be jumping with joy (but that still hurts) so I will smile brightly and tell you it’s good to be alive seriously I am truly appreciative of that.

BUT……………………..there’s always a but isn't there (I hate that)

Now I wanted to write an up lifting post as everything lately has been depressing and if it hasn't been depressing I haven't had anything to say, you know something with some depth, some profound words of wisdom and something that was thought provoking. Yet words and an articulate thought pattern still eludes me. I am back reading blogs and and I am enjoying every one's words lately, they seem to jump off the page with a vigour and vibrancy that I can't find in myself. I am finding that I have nothing, I am blank, I still have an untidy mind being rational is not coming easily and normally its quite clear to me, wrong-right-black-white, the problem is everything is grey, its blurry, it’s unclear, its cluttered my thoughts and feelings are unsteady just like a boat in a storm that has broken free from its mooring. I feel as though I am swaying and bobbing across the waves. I'm feeling as though I have an anchor dragging and its trying to catch itself on the ocean floor searching for stability to ride out this storm of emotions. Praying for the seas to be calm, for the sun to shine through and just enjoy being settled and comfortable where I am and knowing who I am again.
I am happy, grateful and trying to savour every minute out of bed, enjoy every second that my eyes are open and my head is not thumping to an African rhythm reminiscent of a Zulu tribe in celebration. So I really don’t want to come across as though I don’t relish and appreciate the reprieve because I do, but this is hard seriously It's an effort to smile, it’s an effort to appreciate the good when I do not know how long it may last and that makes me feel guilty, so follows the cycle of abuse I inflict upon myself in my mind. I do appreciate it though or do I? Now I don’t even make sense I contradict myself and this is a problem.

Physically I am coping I am tough its only pain HA HA HA I laugh at pain. It’s not the pain it’s the confusion, it’s my forgetfulness (not the normal forget the 50 first dates forget) serious short term and long term memory loss. It’s the strain on my relationships it’s getting to us all. We are so close yet it feels so damn far away. I am not being negative and my feelings of better health today are truly a blessing and I believe my prayers were answered. Yesterday months of anxiety, anger and frustration came to a head and Ben and I both reacted very badly and said many things neither of us meant or at least I don't think we meant them. You see that is where the problem lies; I don’t know, I just think I do or I don't think I do. Our lives have been turned up side down our money situation at the stage of just surviving and the test of our relationship close to tipping the scales to a place neither of us want to visit.
I do not know what is real in my head any more my mind plays tricks and the drugs have altered my personality and we both fear that the real me is lost. I think things that are out of character for me and I burden myself with the strangest of things sometimes so left field, I feel like a complete idiot when things are calmer and I am more rational or when I think I am.
I know the scenario of this is understandable, this is expected in difficult times but knowing this and living it are two very different things. Too many questions, not enough answers. Many people do not complete this treatment, that has never been an option for me but I can see why the gamut of side effects are too much, the mental torture unfair and I feel this is the worst. I need to have clarity, I need to have control and balance in my life, its something that I have worked at for many years to achieve its one of the only things I really need.
I had no control of my circumstances as a child and little control through an abusive marriage.

I learnt and gained an independence a stability and a rational pattern of thinking that I was very proud of and enjoyed. I feel ripped off by my physical incapability’s but I can handle that easily, it’s more so my lack of control over my feelings and the processing of certain situations. It makes me feel cynical sometimes and angry most of the time without knowing why, snappy, insensitive, distressed and very unsure of the real truth in any given situation. My doctor says its normal and maybe it is but this is difficult to accept and when your mind is telling you things that your heart knows are untrue or thinks or maybe feels, it makes for a difficult time for everyone concerned. A
Believe that this is a temporary situation.
Believe this will be better once treatment is over.
Believe I will be back to the person my family love and admire.
Believe I will learn to like myself again maybe even love.
Believe I will know my own mind really soon and it will match my heart.
I have to make a conscious effort to trust in those who love me.
I have to try and achieve some balance, count to ten before I react.
I have to retrain and try to achieve clarity in situations before they get out of control and I cause irreversible damage.
I need to have faith in the bigger picture.
I need to know that nothing will be placed upon me that I can not handle.
I need to have Faith in my family and my relationships.

I need to know I make sense and when I'm right and more importantly when I am wrong.

pattern of behaviour has been formed an instability for everyone has been created and it’s hard.
So where does that leave me??
Where does that leave my family and my relationship??
I have to……….. AND believe it or not……… I do, either way no matter what happens in the future, whatever is meant to be will be and I will do my best to achieve love, life and a balance that at the moment is only a memory in my past.
I have survived molestation.
I have survived rape.
I have survived an attempted murder.
I have survived an attempted suicide.
I have survived severe bashing.
I have survived two kidney operations.
I have survived cervical cancer.
I have survived uterine cancer
I have survived a stroke
I am surviving this next chapter in Life and when I read back over what I have already been through I am really blessed that I’m here to talk about it or ramble about it either way it could be a lot worse and I am grateful.

Peace and Health To All XXX