Monday, July 23, 2007

Ramblings of a Confused Mind (AGAIN)

Well its Monday here and I am up out of bed, showered, legs shaved, hair washed, arm pits whipper snipped (Hairrrrrrry Maclary) This is an every day or maybe a every couple of day thing for women girls you know what I mean, unless of course you have babies then hairy is to be expected who the hell has time right?. To be honest for me at the moment this is an achievement in it's self, especially all of this with no pain killers YAY for me. I have not actually washed my hair myself in nearly a month. Ben has done it the last few times but it has been nearly 2 weeks since its last washing Mmmmm smelly girl, lol. Its too cold to be in bed with wet hair and I can't wash it myself, let alone dry it. (I feel like a baby GRrrrrr)
Now don’t get me wrong I have showered but I haven't taken anytime to do the things that make you feel like a woman and not a like a Neanderthal which is what I looked like before I hit the shower this morning.
I’m not kidding I had turned Ferrel. I am not a hairy person generally (not bad for half wog) and my hair is fair but for shits sake, when it gets to the length it had, I looked like a palomino pony with its winter coat (not very seductive or sexy my friends) The bags under my eyes are a little lighter today, my skin not so blotchy, the furrows are not permanently etched into my brow line as they are when I am in pain, and I truly feel free at this moment. I should be jumping with joy (but that still hurts) so I will smile brightly and tell you it’s good to be alive seriously I am truly appreciative of that.

BUT……………………..there’s always a but isn't there (I hate that)

Now I wanted to write an up lifting post as everything lately has been depressing and if it hasn't been depressing I haven't had anything to say, you know something with some depth, some profound words of wisdom and something that was thought provoking. Yet words and an articulate thought pattern still eludes me. I am back reading blogs and and I am enjoying every one's words lately, they seem to jump off the page with a vigour and vibrancy that I can't find in myself. I am finding that I have nothing, I am blank, I still have an untidy mind being rational is not coming easily and normally its quite clear to me, wrong-right-black-white, the problem is everything is grey, its blurry, it’s unclear, its cluttered my thoughts and feelings are unsteady just like a boat in a storm that has broken free from its mooring. I feel as though I am swaying and bobbing across the waves. I'm feeling as though I have an anchor dragging and its trying to catch itself on the ocean floor searching for stability to ride out this storm of emotions. Praying for the seas to be calm, for the sun to shine through and just enjoy being settled and comfortable where I am and knowing who I am again.
I am happy, grateful and trying to savour every minute out of bed, enjoy every second that my eyes are open and my head is not thumping to an African rhythm reminiscent of a Zulu tribe in celebration. So I really don’t want to come across as though I don’t relish and appreciate the reprieve because I do, but this is hard seriously It's an effort to smile, it’s an effort to appreciate the good when I do not know how long it may last and that makes me feel guilty, so follows the cycle of abuse I inflict upon myself in my mind. I do appreciate it though or do I? Now I don’t even make sense I contradict myself and this is a problem.
Physically I am coping I am tough its only pain HA HA HA I laugh at pain. It’s not the pain it’s the confusion, it’s my forgetfulness (not the normal forget the 50 first dates forget) serious short term and long term memory loss. It’s the strain on my relationships it’s getting to us all. We are so close yet it feels so damn far away. I am not being negative and my feelings of better health today are truly a blessing and I believe my prayers were answered. Yesterday months of anxiety, anger and frustration came to a head and Ben and I both reacted very badly and said many things neither of us meant or at least I don't think we meant them. You see that is where the problem lies; I don’t know, I just think I do or I don't think I do. Our lives have been turned up side down our money situation at the stage of just surviving and the test of our relationship close to tipping the scales to a place neither of us want to visit.
I do not know what is real in my head any more my mind plays tricks and the drugs have altered my personality and we both fear that the real me is lost. I think things that are out of character for me and I burden myself with the strangest of things sometimes so left field, I feel like a complete idiot when things are calmer and I am more rational or when I think I am.
I know the scenario of this is understandable, this is expected in difficult times but knowing this and living it are two very different things. Too many questions, not enough answers. Many people do not complete this treatment, that has never been an option for me but I can see why the gamut of side effects are too much, the mental torture unfair and I feel this is the worst. I need to have clarity, I need to have control and balance in my life, its something that I have worked at for many years to achieve its one of the only things I really need.
I had no control of my circumstances as a child and little control through an abusive marriage.
I learnt and gained an independence a stability and a rational pattern of thinking that I was very proud of and enjoyed. I feel ripped off by my physical incapability’s but I can handle that easily, it’s more so my lack of control over my feelings and the processing of certain situations. It makes me feel cynical sometimes and angry most of the time without knowing why, snappy, insensitive, distressed and very unsure of the real truth in any given situation. My doctor says its normal and maybe it is but this is difficult to accept and when your mind is telling you things that your heart knows are untrue or thinks or maybe feels, it makes for a difficult time for everyone concerned. A
Believe that this is a temporary situation.
Believe this will be better once treatment is over.
Believe I will be back to the person my family love and admire.
Believe I will learn to like myself again maybe even love.
Believe I will know my own mind really soon and it will match my heart.
I have to make a conscious effort to trust in those who love me.
I have to try and achieve some balance, count to ten before I react.
I have to retrain and try to achieve clarity in situations before they get out of control and I cause irreversible damage.
I need to have faith in the bigger picture.
I need to know that nothing will be placed upon me that I can not handle.
I need to have Faith in my family and my relationships.
I need to know I make sense and when I'm right and more importantly when I am wrong.

pattern of behaviour has been formed an instability for everyone has been created and it’s hard.
So where does that leave me??
Where does that leave my family and my relationship??
I have to……….. AND believe it or not……… I do, either way no matter what happens in the future, whatever is meant to be will be and I will do my best to achieve love, life and a balance that at the moment is only a memory in my past.
I have survived molestation.
I have survived rape.
I have survived an attempted murder.
I have survived an attempted suicide.
I have survived severe bashing.
I have survived two kidney operations.
I have survived cervical cancer.
I have survived uterine cancer
I have survived a stroke
I am surviving this next chapter in Life and when I read back over what I have already been through I am really blessed that I’m here to talk about it or ramble about it either way it could be a lot worse and I am grateful.
Peace and Health To All XXX

14 Comments:

At 12:35 am , Blogger cherry girl said...

Oooh, it does feel good to be freshly dehaired and clean after being laid up in bed for any amount of time, glad you are feeling more human and brighter today (I hear you, I sometimes allow myself to turn into yetty woman - the positivee of being single and in jeans all the time! and it is quite scary how quickly things can get out of hand!)

They should add to the definition of survivor in the dictionary and put your name right there! And your positive thoughts are super and I have no doubt the universe is listening!

 
At 1:31 am , Blogger Vickie said...

You say so much here that I relate to but one thing I do not relate to is the courage you possess. You are teaching me daily and I thank you for this.

I wish I had a magical wand to wave giving you health for with that you would find everything else you needed for the most fulfilling life.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for being YOU so special and full of love.

 
At 3:25 am , Blogger Walker said...

Plain and simple,
You are a survivor and you have displayed it time and time again.
Your courage is an inspitation to others who want to give up.

The way you live your life is that uplifting post you seek to write and you do that with every posts you plant here.
Great post.

Have a nice day

 
At 9:39 am , Blogger Steve said...

You get up and say is that the best ya can dish out!
Makes ya special......

Oh and anytime ya need ya back scrubbbed....... :-)

 
At 10:10 am , Blogger Vanessa said...

I agree with Walker. That is the most uplifting, inspiring, thought-provoking post I've read for a long time. Honest and bare and clear. You know I'm proud of you. You know I'm learning tons from you. You know that, right? You are amazing.
Vx

 
At 10:38 am , Blogger awareness said...

What a beautiful openly naked (and hairy-less) soul you have Shaz. And LOOK a rainbow piercing!! AMAZING!

I am in awe of your strength and your faith. You truly are a survivor....much more than that. You are an inspiration. Your gifts and insights are meant to be shared..........and you are doing just that. When you have conquered this mega monster....your story needs to be shared to a much larger audience. Don't know how or in what venue, but my gut tells me so.

this is beautifully written....a testimonial as well as an inspiring cresendo of determination. Your descriptions and confessions make me feel i'm right there with you trying to find the anchor.

 
At 11:57 am , Blogger Isabella said...

Shaz, You epitomise courage and bravery and you inspire me with the terrible situations you have survived.

There are some people in the blogging world who could learn a lot from you. They dwell in the land of self pity when their problems pale into insignificance next to yours. You have survived things that most of us will never have to experience and you maintain your sense of humour.

With all that you have to endure you still find it in your heart to love and care about others. If only there were more people like you in the world it wouldn't be the shitty, petty place it sometimes is.

I love you for everything that you are and I am your biggest fan.

 
At 1:55 pm , Blogger Wanda said...

Shaz, you have an amazingly huge fan club. I'm a die hard member for ever. Reading you post today, I had to smile when you said you are at a blank on writing...and then you write this most insightful, honest, open treausure, your life! If God didn't think you were so very special...you would not have survived any of those things...but you did...and now you give to all of us your experience, your faith your honesty....and we are better for it.
So much love in my heart today for you....by the way..mailed something to you today!!

 
At 10:16 pm , Blogger BlazngScarlet said...

I can't say it any better than everyone already has.

Your strength, courage and honesty inspire me.
Daily.

 
At 1:20 am , Blogger JP (mom) said...

You have survived and you will continue to survive and even thrive. This post is not the ramblings of a mind gone astray, you have all of your senses and awareness even though there are times when it is hard to articulate or make sense of things ... it is only temporary and certainly a byproduct of this intense treatment regimen. I believe in you.
With love, peace and faith, xx, deb

 
At 12:59 pm , Blogger Robert said...

wow I am here via awareness place and i am blown away!!! I cant say anything that would sound even close to what your friends and admirers have already said above. You are inspiring and challenging and definitely help place life in perspective!!! God surely is using your words and your life to affect and touch others thank you so much shaz I hope all your health issues ceasae to be probl;ems and you enjoy pure freedom from pain and ache to rest physically the way your spirit obviously does!!

 
At 2:31 pm , Blogger Deb R said...

That palomino pony description makes me think I need to go shave my legs. :-D

This was really a wonderfully thoughtful post, Shaz.

 
At 3:19 pm , Blogger Nan said...

I totally understand what you mean having had cancer myself. My marriage unfortunately didn't last through it and neither did my brother's when he had his stmach cancer. It's so very tough and people on the outside don't fully understand the strain that it puts on everyone and everything around you.
I hope things get better for you. Stay strong my friend.

 
At 3:05 am , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh honey, despite all that you are going through, you continue to have such perspective. You amaze.

I wish that I had some words of wisdome, but alas, I am in a dark place myself...BUT, what I do send you is more love and more support.

You are doing an AMAZING job...you are an inspiration...and you are loved. xoxoxoxo

 

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home