Dribble...................

The people who love me will get me and those who don't, don't matter. Its taken me a lot of years to accept that I am who I am, good, bad and indifferent. I have accepted that I am a good person and bad things happen every day to good people and that's no excuse for treating others badly so I try not to.
Realistically I should of pursued a career in acting I would be a very wealthy woman. I can put on a happy face and put myself in any position and no one would ever know my pain.
People deal with things differently, I am one to laugh and joke, make fun of myself and pretend every things fine then cry myself to sleep.

It works for me, there are a few who see straight through me but they respect they way I deal with things. I try not to dwell on the past and remember all the good things in my life.

I have opened up on here more than I ever have. I'm very private (not now lol) and always had a fear of showing that I hurt or admitting failure in any sense of the word. I always have this facade of being okay and being able to handle everything.

And it may be a contradiction but usually I can.
I am not saying there is anything wrong now, because there isn't but having a conversation with someone who knows me very very well we talked about how we see each other and how we think each other feels and were pretty spot on with those thoughts. Its nice to openly discuss how you feel or how you felt about something when you have forgiven and that's where I am at. My problem is i want everyone to be okay and I so want to help him through his pain. He knows I understand but that is why he feels less secure in himself, because he knows me so well and I am ok and he is not at the moment but its all so raw and he has had a big last 6 years.

There is no measuring stick on ones pain and just because his perception of mine is worse in some cases, it is not because its his and its happening now. I am so proud of how he has handled things and do not think I would cope as well i just need him to see that so he too feels at ease in himself and realises he has so much to offer through his own experiences.

I can be very open about my past s has read things he never knew especially here and my friend of nearly 30 years couldn't understand why he I never turned to him or any one but I didn't and I find it hard to hear that people are proud of me for coping and that they think a lot of me.

I still find it hard to accept even though I know I'm a good person but I still feel un-deserving of some of the blessings in my life.

If I was to psycho analyse myself I would say it stems from being abused, trauma in my early years the loss of a parent and moving out of home when I was 13, going through so much when I was young and experiencing so much in my life but what I cant understand is others hurting other people and using there childhood as an excuse for being mean and hurting other people because it happened to them.

I am the opposite I wouldn't wish pain or heartache on anybody especially if i have experienced it first hand. It has always interested me to see how people deal with pain and loss, stressful situations and trauma in their lives. Not because I'm morbid but to soak up knowledge on how to pass something on that maybe an inspirational tale to some one else in need. I love being needed I love helping others and tend to get so much out of putting a smile on someones otherwise sad face.

I refer to this articles and this that I read in the news and seriously am at a loss for words.
I don't understand vendetta or revenge I don't understand people who don't smile at you when you smile it costs nothing, or they think your want something from them when you offer a helping hand.

Its sad and it upsets me that people are so sceptical but I do understand. I'm not really going anywhere with this post just having a ramble its late and Ben's working and the girls are still on holidays so the house is very quiet and I'm feeling as though I'm missing Ben already and he hasn't even left yet.

I am putting on that brave face for him as he would crumble if he thought I was really upset so I am keeping up a brave face but its going to be tough, we are together every day and the thought of minimum time with him is a lot to soak up.

The girls are really going to miss him as well but we will deal with it just like we do everything else and make the most of every moment we get to spend with each other. Well there it is, a confused mixture of tiredness and the fact that its really late forgive me for my midnight dribble.

Peace and Health To All XXXX