I made it...........................

Its February 2008 and as I said in my last post I read back on previous posts and I was shocked at what I read.

The post below was nearly a year ago and I just cant believe the difference from then to now those times I didnt think I would make it are far behind me.

I may be gushing a little, OKAY a lot but hey I can actually say I am proud of myself and that is an achievement in itself (trust me)

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This is how I started February in 2007

I have edited this and changed the post that I put up and decided to put one up that was a little scary at the time so instead of february its from January the 13th.

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Wandering a maze through stormy weather; January 13th 2007

I wanted to say something inspiring and earth shattering but of course.I draw nothing but darkness.My mind is like a storm, with dark clouds blowing around, not knowing in what direction they will finally stop to rest.Its the unknown in my head that is giving me this unwanted arousal of emotions.I cant decipher through the gusts of confusion that keep blustering up, just when things are starting to become more calm.I used to be able to sit with pen paper and a glass of red in a dimly lit corner of the room. Or I would go out the backyard and express exactly what my head was saying to my Heart or visa versa, it was controlled and unmistakable, right and wrong black and white, it was a reasonably easy task. It was very private, but also very comforting.My war was over for the the best part of that moment and my paper would be burnt.Ashes blown into the wind to fly away along with all my pain fears and ever growing feelings of unworthiness. I would be again at Peace.Now.......... its the Greys, the ifs, the buts and the maybes that plague my brain and then, there begins the war with in myself.I know its the drugs!!!! my Doctor tells me its the drugs.The literature tells me its the drugs.I tell me its the drugs.BUT......... the drugs tell me its me its all my fault, I should be braver, I should be Happier, I should be coping better, I shouldn't need all these pain meds I should be tougher than this.Then I am torn...........my head,my heart,my reality and the drug induced agitated state of myself both physically and emotionally gets way to much for me to bear.Its even harder to convey my feelings as I get tongue tied and lost for words that have any true meaning.If I cant live with me at the moment, if I cant stand me at the moment, what the hell does everyone else have to put up with.What am I actually doing to those around me? am I sending them mad as well or is that just in my head.Do I abandon all hope of trying to recognise reality or do I fight on head first into battle with myself not even knowing if there was any real argument in the first place.Its a scary uncontrolled test environment.I feel like a rat in a cage trying to find my way through the maze towards the final prize, the light at the end of the tunnel.

A cure.

I changed this because I started going back and seeing who I knew back then and Walker being my first comment today I decided to find the first day he came to me. What a blessing you all have been to me you helped me move forward on a daily basis when I didnt think I could face another day but you all helped me do it and I thankyou so deeply for that.

Next week is second test results to say I am CURED, I am confident in my heart but my head still plays with me a little so I will remeber your prayes, your friendships and go to my specialist just as part of routine knowing the results before he speaks them.

Peace and Light my Friends xxx