This weekend and last few days has been a little rough. (hence my being absent)
My body aches, my kidney stones are giving me trouble, my head hurts and these damn crampy things in my legs are painful and agitate me beyond belief. I have been up all night in the bathroom but I am not vomiting so yay for that(wink) and I have an aching gum or abscess on my tooth or something all I know is my jaw is swollen and aching.
{Mmmmm I hate saying all that shit but its my reality and when I am better I want to remember these horrid times to remind me of how far I have come}
I have been cranky tired withdrawn and for the most part not much fun to be around.

I am huge on telling my lovely don't feel guilty, allow your self to suffer and nurture you mind and body, give it time to heal and don't burden yourself with guilt over what you cant change.
I believe all this to be true and I think its good advice, its hard advice to take though.
I suppose its a natural instinct to feel bad when you cant give your loved ones 100% as you would like to. It is also hard not to feel sorry for ones self at 3am in the morning when your alone with your pain and sickness.
Our house is full of tension its the end of the Holidays its a new era the youngest of my kids Ayesha starts High School joining her sister Tayla. My babes are growing up oh so quickly and I hate that I am not more supportive of their needs right now. I am trying but its hard, really hard. I was awake most of the night so getting up early to take Ayesha to her first day with a smile on my face was not the most joyous of things to be asked of me today. I managed but now feel like going back to bed I cant sleep because of the pain but I would prefer to be out of sight and mind, alone in my misery.
I wont though I will do as I promised and go out with Ben, keeping that smile on my face as tense as it may be, gaining an academy award performance.
I will be full of pain meds and everything else I need to function as to keep some normality in our relationship throughout this whole shit time in our lives.
Don't get me wrong I wont to go and enjoy his company but it is an effort.

I hide a lot of pain and I push through a lot of my trauma, I thought I was doing everyone a favour so as to not have them worry but as it turns I am sure some of them think I use it as an excuse, I am sure they also think I am just a cranky bitch for no reason and they tend to forget because I don't push it down their throats every 5 minutes that this is hard and I am doing my best under the circumstances.
It just seems like a no win situation, I am not big on feeling sorry for myself and I always look at the bright side. I am so grateful for maxalon(to stop vomiting) I cant tell you how they have changed my life recently. Pain meds are my not so welcome, but closest friend. My inner strength pushes me daily but I don't always say so.

I presumed that those closest to me or friends from always knew me better, I presumed I wouldn't be judged by what I am doing differently now, the fact I am saying no or not making it to special occasions, I am not ringing every week or I am just not as in-tune as I usually am.
I thought it would be just understood and not questioned as an excuse. It seems I was wrong and there is talk. I don't want to know I don't really care(yeah right) those who know me know I am not a sook and I would if I could I have always pushed my own boundaries and if I cant they should know that its not an excuse, its because I cant and I shouldn't have to apologize for that.

I feel because this is such a long treatment and I am so far away they really have no clue whats going on. I know I should say more but I don't and I hate to say how bad I am. I cant do it.
I can write it but I don't want to say it aloud, its all to real when my own ears hear it and it sounds pathetic. If it wasn't for your prayers and blessings and faithful comments I would be forgotten its my newest formed friendships that have been my biggest support excepting a few and if it wasn't for you I would be very alone in all this.
I just have to toughen my mind set maybe no ones talking, maybe I am paranoid.
It just feels different I am different and I don't like it.
I said I hate drugs and I hate that I don't know my own mind but today will be over soon and a new one will begin and hopefully my thoughts will be more positive tomorrow.

Peace and HEaLTH TO AlL xxx