Rambles of LoVe and TraGedy

I have been feeling a little displaced and vulnerable today. It has nothing to do with my treatment. I am pretty sure it has a lot to do with grief and not my own.
I feel things a little intensely sometimes. It may sound strange but if you know what I mean then you will know how hard it is to explain. I tend to be affected by peoples pain whether its physical or of the heart. The tragedy in Virginia has broken my heart. I feel the pain of these families as if they were my own. I see the looks of horror on the faces of them when they hear of their loss and feel as their world is shattered by the loss of someone they Love. I see them clutch their chest and drop to their knees in the worst moments of their lives. It is just such a waste and it is devastating for our world as a whole.
I have been like this all my life. Sometimes I know before, other times in the moment and other times later, either way its distracting. Some would say I have a gift others would say a burden.
I call it ME no category no explanation or excuse, just me. When I am often overcome with feelings that I cant control, that aren't my own, I surround myself in my own happy memories and pray for those I cant help. I did that this morning after I watched the news. I sat with my prize possession which sounds funny considering the state of it. This suitcase was what I left home with when I was 13, that and my KISS Army bag (LMAO would never leave home with out it) Anyway this is the one I kept above all others and it now holds letters, pictures, newspaper clippings of me and Danica's chemical poisoning through her school when she was in grade 3. Pictures of my mums wedding and all the certificates of my kids when they were younger along with notes and drawings that warm my heart.
The girls had the day off school as I missed them way to much while they were away and the way I was feeling I needed them close so we sat and laughed and recalled all those little things you only remember when your memory is triggered by a picture or a familiar smell. We hugged and talked and overall had a good day.
Just below is my first photo with Ayesha after she was born. She was the last of my babies before being diagnosed with cancer when I turned 25 and Ish was only 6 months old. That was not what I expected during a routine exam but there is a lot to say for routine checks ladies I can't stress that enough.
I feel so blessed to have had four beautiful babies before I had the hysterectomy to eradicate the cancer thus obviously preventing me from more kids in the future.
I love this photo and even though these pics were taken with my camera of them, they are still precious and no less than perfect to me. I remember looking at her and admiring my precious gift wondering how I could stop there. I wanted at least 6 kids but I am so lucky to have what I have and I cherish every moment. UMmmm when I am not cursing and cracking a mental over their messy rooms. (I am human after all)
That was 12 years ago and today is the very first time that I noticed the scar down the right side of my face in this particular photo. (that seems strange to me I was always aware back then)
I only noticed it today when Tayla actually asked for the first time how it happened and I promised I would tell her one day.
Its more of dent really where my facial bones were cracked (another story) blah blah but you know nothing could take away from me and my precious bundle of joy. I had no idea at the time she would be my last. My children saved my life and made me love living. I love them more than this life and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them (including tough love) which is the hardest of all. I also believe that it takes a lot of love and courage to do whats right for your kids even if they don't get it at the time. I feel very protective of them and it annoys the shit out of them but I do not care they are too precious to take any chances. Its also a constant struggle because you always can ever only do what you think is right at the time and I think if you do it with unselfish Love there can't be any wrong decisions. That's my theory any way.

These are the two little bundles that joined me in my reminiscing today and they really are just as cute and mischievous as they were then. The make me laugh with their wit and make me smile with their sarcasm (its a little funny) and I cry when I feel their compassion for others. I think I am most proud of that quality in all of my kids. They really do have an inner quality that is displayed towards others that has me beaming at being able to say that they are a part of me.

I received a wedding invitation today from this young lady sitting on my lap (6 years ago) Thera-Lea is my name sake and she is my God daughter. I love her as if she were my own and she is getting married in June. Thera is nearly a year older than Danicka and it blows my mind to think that only 3 weeks ago she had her second little girl and is about to marry the man of her dreams. He spoils her and their two babies and I cant wait for the wedding. It will be beautiful. I am relieved I didn't get her labour pains this time but I did with her first, I knew she was in labour before her mum did and I lived an hour away breathing deeply tellin her to hurry bloody up and it happened with both my sistas as well. Give me a break all ready :)

I have filled my day with old memories phone conversations with my dear Bx whom I adore. Missed another call from my sweet sista in the US 2 days running GRrrrr and shopped with my girls for girlie things. Considering the start, it turned out really well. This is what made me happy today.

It is now after every one's asleep that I will thank god for what I have and Pray for healing of the souls who have lost loved ones through tragedy.

Peace and Health To All XXXX