Last Sunrise

This was the 29th July 2007 a Mummas last Sunrise.
I took this photo on the Sunday that Kath died some would say how can you consider taking a photo of a sunrise when this could be the last day of someone you love.
My answer to this was what better way to appreciate each day and to celebrate a life then with the magic of a sunrise. Through the aches and pains both emotional and physical I felt lost, helpless to a situation that was devastatingly tragic to a family that I considered my own.
I needed something real something beautiful to replace the emptiness that I was feeling.
The morning was serene, yet subsequently tempered with an eerie stillness.
It was sadly to be her last Sunrise and one that I will remember always as one of the most beautiful and meaningful sunrises I have ever watched.
I have this image etched in my heart along side the beautiful memories of an amazing lady.
I have been challenged lately, so much happening around me, I feel like my life has turned into a train that’s left the tracks an uncontrolled wreck. Knowing it will stop eventually doesn't change the predictability of the aftermath and the destructive path that has been forged along its journey.
It’s hard to breath sometimes, I dare not close my eyes and slow down because my mind seems to meander and rehash the happenings of the last few months. Moments of clarity are seemingly beyond my reach amidst the treatment drugs and the painful reality of daily life at the moment. Don’t get me wrong I'm not breaking I bloody well refuse to break. I haven’t lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel I can still see that through the many tears that I have shed lately. I just wish that it was a little brighter along the way. I used to tell my kids "know c'mon honey you better stop crying or you will run out of tears. You only have so many so make sure you save them for when you need them" In a strange way it comforted them and they would dry their eyes and say " see mummy I am saving them I have sucked them back and I will store them for when I need them" My big boy still says when I'm being a bit sooky "mumma don't waste your tears, can you please stop or I will start and I'm saving mine" it always makes me smile.
We are leaving tomorrow (Sunday) to go the coast I will be doing my best to do Kath’s makeup on Monday morning for the viewing that afternoon then the funeral is on Tuesday at 11 am. The next few days are going to be hard but even harder for Peter and his family so I will focus my energy on them but hold on to a little for myself as a good friend recently said, I will be of no good to any one if I am sick myself. (I am resting and doing my best to take care) I will get all of my bad news out of the way in this post because of next week my days will be brighter and I will be focusing on getting Healthy and Happy. Danicka has lost her job and is devastated she rang Friday sobbing her little heart out and their wasn’t a damn thing I could do to help she was standing in the middle of Brisbane cities mall tears rolling down the cheeks of my beautiful baby. She is heartbroken at the loss of Pete’s mum, my health and her worry for me is making her run down and unwell herself.
The good thing is she is coming home to her mumma next week for some TLC. Kyle is renovating my sister’s house as he is in a transitional stage also but that brings him home to me also so I am not complaining. My brothers problems with his girls children has worsened and her pregnancy is suffering through the stress of it all I don’t want to go on but I need to vent the bad to try and put it behind us and focus on things getting better. I know things could be worse but right now that’s not what everyone is considering. To be honest I'm still grateful for many things but this isnt the time.
I have released this and let go and that is why this journaling works for me. This is my life I can’t sugar coat the things that are happening at the moment and I won’t. It is just another chapter in my life of very highs and very lows.
The only thing left is to try and find the balance in the middle and pray for peace and contentment...