Time to Purge...............................
I am not able to get on the computer as much as I would I like between 6 of us in the house it seems to be always being used by some one else. It’s quite annoying especially when I need to purge.Last night I had too…………I was talking to mum last night (adopted) and she happened to mention that the man who turned my world upside down when I was a kid was back in town.
I felt instantly ill, my heart started beating faster my breaths a little shallow and the shudder that hit my body nearly made me drop the phone it was like being hit by a an un-natural force that made me unsteady on my feet.
I am now 37 years old and happy, I have big shoulders and a forgiving heart. So why does just the mention of his name unhinge me so much? He can’t hurt me and I am at peace with my past. I live in the present and the future, full of love and faith and taking things in my stride. I am not easily shocked any more, nor am I scared of too much but the mere mention of him being in town turns my body cold.Apparently he is quite healthy and happy probably because he has no conscious and more than likely his needs are being met in all the selfish aspects of his life. As he sits at the bar laughing and joking while drinking his beer with a care free attitude, I wonder if he worries. I wonder if he even thinks about being exposed. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that leaves me with no appetite. My sleep again disrupted by the dreams that used to haunt me. The Un-controllable welling of tears in my eyes when I think about it makes me angry at myself for not having more self control.
I am stronger than this stronger than my memory of him and what has happened. I hate that he can still disrupt my life and I pray for forgiveness and peace for the thoughts of what I would do upon seeing him face to face again.
This has happened before, he has been in town before but not when I am going to be out there more often attending to mum and the house. I can’t hide my mood swing it’s obvious to everyone in the house that I am more then a little off balance. I hate that so much, my family shouldn’t bear the brunt of his wrong doing of over 20 years ago. I am aware of how I feel and I am trying not to be snappy as I don’t want to go into detail with them.
Ben is great he knows and says little, he holds me with no words spoken just a mutual understanding of where I am at.
Early in our relationship he was angry and vengeful but he is calmer now as violence and vengeance isn't a part of who I am. Too much time is wasted on being angry; too much energy is wasted from seeking vengeance. I am at what I thought was peace but obviously my emotions are still stirred on occasions like these.
I think it’s more of a shock thing, just a reminder that triggers a flood of memories. Last night my post may have been different but no computer so all my thoughts were spoken in my head and I am a little clearer today and not as unsettled as last night so I am okay I just don’t want to see him especially with Ben as I don’t think I could hide my reactions which in turn would make him vulnerable to being my knight in shinning armour.
So putting that aside these puppies are so damn cute I just cant stand it (giggle) that puppy smell is so beautiful, I liken it to that baby smell that we love so much the smell of innocence and vulnerability, there dependence on their mumma.
Ayesha is home today her poor little arms sore and bruised from the crutches, she is getting her plaster replaced today as it has lumpy bits sticking into her as well.
All the boys are working tonight so it’s just us girls home doing assignments lol what fun, I hate high school and I am not even the one there. Tayla wants to be physio therapist and she struggles a little with her work but she is determined to do well.
I am so proud of the effort she puts in, her work doesn’t come as easily to her but she is getting there. She has three more years including this one to put her head down and bum up and get into it, then it’s off to University.
Ayesha is only a year behind so we are busy. She is still a little undecided. Understandably at 13 she hasn't made a stead fast decision but she is such a good kid I know she will achieve what ever she puts her mind too.
Danicka is now working and studying getting her cert.3 as a dental nurse so she is on track and now its only kyle who of course is working but not knowing his long term goals. That's okay he will find his niche eventually.
I will try and get you all soon.
posted by Shaz @ Friday, February 29, 2008
7 Comments
7 Comments:
Shaz, I can understand that feeling of fear and confusion. Thinking positive thoughts for you - you are a strong woman. As you say, the need is to focus on now and remember that NOW, you are safe. But equally I know how hard that can be.
My two girls are a year away from your too, it appears. E is just about to sit her GCSEs and aiming high (and looking forward to her 16th birthday in a month!); H is 12 and facing the transfer to a new school. It's good to watch them grow and develop.
It's perfectly understandable that you would be feeling a bit rattled Shaz. Have no fear though, there is a "special" place for people like that. You have your beautiful Ben and family and no-one can hurt you anymore.
Your kids all sound like they have their heads screwed on straight, and I'm sure that is in no small part because of the wonderful Mum they have had nurturing them all these years and seeing they get on the right path.
I forgot to tell you that I have something over at my place for you. Come see when you get a chance.
Moving past it doesn't mean we let it go.
It's still a part of you, and it helped shape the woman you've become.
It's only natural that it invades your conscious from time to time, what matters is how YOU respond and/or react to it.
I think you're doing fine.
Better than fine actually ..... you continually amaze me!
All 3 ladies have said it so well shazzie the way you spoke on here shows you have come so far and you have such a strong spirit amd seek to be forgiving and at peace. You truly are so insirational always sweetheart!!!
Sounds like your kids are quite sharp amd well rounded. Cool to hear the different goals they have and how they are working towards their futures.
Much peace health love and light be yours everyday shazzie my friend!!!
Robert xxx
Hey sweetie...sorry I've been missing in action. You're a strong, beautiful woman - but you cannot turn off the memories and associated emotion - so, be gentle with yourself in those moments and know that these feelings do not diminish you in any way. Sending you much love. Big hugs across the seas. xx, deb
--^
What she said!
I understand about pain and feeling overwhelmed by strong emotion.
I'm sorry. I know that doesn't change anything, but I do hope it makes things slightly easier to bear.
(BTW, it's eerie you posted this. I tried to address related emotions in my own way earlier this evening.)
Hang in there...!
-- f
No one can run from the past, it will always be there.
Letting it eat at you now only makes the love and peace you have in your life today sour.
We all have bits of our past that leave a bad taste in our mouth but letting these people torment us because they just exists gives them more power than they deserve.
You win when you view him as nothing more than the insignificant insect that he is and walk past that part of your life and enjoy all the positives you now have
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