Ramblings of an uncertain mind !!!!!!!!!!
This morning I lay awake with a ache and a twinge in my body reminiscent of previous days. The ones where you just want to miss the day outside and go back to sleep and see if tomorrow brings something a little brighter than what you have woken up too. I don’t want to start on a tangent of whoa is me because many of my days are okay and I am usually not up to writing if I am not. The beauty of blogging is having the opportunity of hiding your words and choosing to publish, save or even delete that helps me express myself and what ever I am feeling because I know I have a choice but as we all know by now I rarely hold back. I am very indecisive about certain things but I really do still love choice. I believe there are things we choose for ourselves and things we dont. In saying that I also believe that is how you react and deal with these choices that determines and defines who you are.
We all take advantage of choices daily.
Today, I ask the question to myself am I choosing to be depressed and sad without good reason?
Am I choosing to be agitated because I am angry at my situation at the moment and is that natural?
Am I just being a snappy bitch or are the things I am feeling valid and my concerns within my emotional side warranted, or do I listen to my doctor when he says the drugs change you and make you agitated and angry and unsure with no real trigger so definitely do not make any huge decisions based on your emotions.
In other words work only with logic (if I still have that)
How do I know if I have a legitimate complaint?
How does my family know?
How does Ben know when I am me or am I changing or is it the drugs?
How do they not use this to there advantage to secure their point in an argument?
How do I know when they are or if they are, if its conscious or sub-consciously?
So what the hell do I do about it?
I know I have a problem with feeling out of control that stems from my past and I also don’t like feeling alone when I am not. I don’t want to be lonely if I am in a relationship. I may as well be alone right.
I am actually happy alone and I do not need a man in my life but I love the one I have and feel blessed that we are together.
How do I know what is a legitimate complaint or me just being a cow at the moment.
I am unsure when I am being taken advantage of or when I am being taken for granted.
If in fact I am the problem is not knowing. I always Know or maybe I just like to think I do.
If I dont I say but if I am sure I am sure, now I don't know a damn thing and I cant trust my insticts because they are dug f*#ked.
Is everyone just over it?????? as 48 weeks (11 months) is a very long time for treatment and the fact is that it’s not over then. I feel guilty about it, there is a lot of real uncertainty with my health? I am not scared nor am I depressed by the future, seriously I don’t pretend to be positive, I used too, but I am very honest now. I will be okay and will do what ever it takes and I will deal with my illnesses, it is my present that concerns me my day to day and what my family is enduring.
My older two who I thought were taking it all really well do not want to talk about it now as they said it worries them too much, they don’t want details which I can understand but sometimes I feel my she'll be right mate, no worries attitude isn't doing me any favors at home.
I am the one who picks everyone up usually and keeps the smiles on there faces and makes sure no one worries too much as I usually fix it and if I cant. I find a way around it.
I am good at it, it was my job and I enjoyed it, it is part of who I am and I like it. I am not complaining about that.
I do not sit and wallow, Hello? Where in the hell does that get you?
BUT today I am just a little perplexed and over everything. I don’t know what are my feelings and what are brought on by the drugs. I want my mind back, it may have been fucked up before but I knew it was mine LOL
I knew what was real and what wasn’t. I was sure of it and never questioned if my thoughts were my own or if I was wrong or right. I have strong feelings on most subjects and as I am open to learning more and embracing new things I have never had to question myself in this way.
I think I am driving everyone including myself mad. Now it’s easy to say Shaz it’s not your fault and when people love you they should take the good with the bad but my inconsistencies are very frustrating for everyone involved my lack of memory, energy and sometimes my confusion will create arguments and I hate when I am not sure. I will apologies when I am wrong. I have no problem with saying sorry. I do have a problem with saying sorry if I am right and when you don’t know if you are or not sometimes it makes for a lot of tension.
Not knowing how I am going to feel puts a lot of limitations on making plans for my family. Even short term actually especially short term but it drags out to week after week and then it becomes long term. It is my guilt that I think brings me down, being a burden and not being as strong as I have been, will I be that same person I was before? ever again, especially for those around me. I love being needed I love helping everyone out. I hate being a burden, I hate feeling useless and I hate being angry for no reason but that's where I am so there that’s me today.
Cute Huh? LOL I am just a rambling bored and agitated young woman who shouldn’t be aloud to push publish because instead of just punishing those closest to me I can make many endure my crap. Sorry guys forgive me for being a whiner or am I.
Shit I don’t know that’s the crappy bit.
Hope your day or night is full of peace, contentment, knowing yourself and being true to who you are and who you want to be.
posted by Shaz @ Friday, June 08, 2007
13 Comments
13 Comments:
good morning from the other side of the world.....
i always find writing to be the best learning tool, and i see in your writing that you are wrestling with big lessons and that's WONDERFUL....
i just read your last two posts, Shaz......and what I have gleaned and learned about you is that while you are forced to take this unbelievably long treatment ride, you are being given an opportunity to evaluate the layers of yourself, and to learn to trust those around you who love you and will carry some of the load you have carried for yourself and others for most of your life. And, boy when you're the one who has always done that.....to be the one to help others pick their stuff up an to dry the tears for them, this is a MAJOR lesson.
For years, you kept your survival jacket on through your bravery armour.....your bravery armour is changing.....and it includes many feelings.....whether they are brought on as a side effect of the treatment or because your life has taken you down a different path while you heal.....I think you've been presented with life's biggest lesson....we are all connected, and we all need one another...and we all help one another....and we all do the best we can do.
vulnerability is where learning happens.......it sucks when one has fought feeling vulnerable forever....just to survive the shit that's for sure.
you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking that because you nutured your kids and supported your friends, and GAVE the key to Ben, you prepared a circle of love to fall into for your own time of healing....they are there for you and you can rely on their uncompromised trusting love.
take care.....and go to bed when you feel like it....it's all part of healing......just like a good cry after being hugged.
dana.
Ditto what Dana just said and I couldn't have put it better myself. When you feel this way Shaz just try to remember how many people truly love you just as you are and that includes me and all your other friends on the blogs. Let other people take the burden for a while just as you always have, thats what love is all about... stepping up and taking over the reins when the horse is bolting out of control.
Let people love you and help you Shaz. All everyone wants is for you to get better. Enormous Angel hugs coming your way.
Awareness and Angel without wings said it all so beautifully. I don't think I could put it better. You are loved so let people love you and help you.
I always enjoy what you write so I'm glad you hit publish. Just take it moment by moment and know that in each moment, if you see a face in front of you or behind you, or to the side of you and if they look at your with love or fear, or what have you, even irritation, that in that moment that was what was there, plain and simple. The next moment is unknown and it changes. I learned a long time ago stay "in the moment"...and wait for it to reveal itself...you'll be surprised if you don't put any fears or expectations on it. Besides a moment is so short that when I started this post moments ago I had to go to the bathroom, now the urge is gone...and it only took a few moments...LOL
Okay beautiful you, I am going to say something pretty definitive here in response to this post, because as I was reading it, this point was boiling up to the surface.
This is eleven months of treatment for a very serious disease. Eleven months...not eleven years. From where I stand, you do whatever you need to do to get through it. You are correct in your assessment that you have very little control. I can not begin to imagine how frustrating that is for you honey, I really can't. BUT, the bottom line is that you are months into this treatment, and by and large, I believe that you have done remarkably well. Inherently,this simply is not going to be pretty. I remember you talking about that just before you started the treatment. This means that your moods are not going to be pretty. It means that you are going to feel awful some days and say things that you wish you had not said. It means that you may do things that you wish had not done.
You are not doing one ounce of this on purpose, no matter what is fueling it. There are probably a number of contributing factors; however, as far as I am concerned, it does not matter. What matters is that you get to the other side of this treatment. Honest to goodness, the other side is the goal...the good part...the healing.
Don't apologize for this honey. There is no doubt in my mind that your intentions towards your loved ones are ALWAYS where they need to be, even if the execution is less than you would wish. I would also venture to guess that although this is extremely tough on them, they realize what is happening here. They see the seriousness of what you are going through right now. This is no game. You are not supposed to yourself, because it is not possible right now.
Have I mentioned how amazing you are for going through this treatment? *wink*
Weren't you just telling me yesterday that I am not judgemental? he he I am trying not to be here, I really am. I just want you to know that the only thing you should be worrying about right now is getting your gorgeous self through this. Be gentle with yourself. Don't fight yourself.
I am sending you big love and hugs.xoxoxo
Just remember that we love you too.
"How do I know what is a legitimate complaint or me just being a cow at the moment"?
Easy Question, jusr wait for the next day and see if you feel the same way.
I think the fact that you know that the treatment is probably the cause of how you feel you could muddle through.
I see a strong woman in you and at the same time a happy person.
I was telling a friend just last that some of the people trhat impressed me the most were the people that were enjoying life that most no matter what the struggle and pain they were going through and your name was one of the one's I mentioned.
Have a great weekend
i gotta agree with jen's comment on this one, shaz. you are so hard on yourself, sometimes, and it's hard for those of us who care about you and can't reach out to give you a hug or something (because we're on the other side of the world, hehe). you are strong, sweetie, so very strong. and sometimes the strongest thing one can do is allow themselves to be lean on others. be gentle with yourself, shazzy poo. i'm sending much love and big hugs from texas. ~ruby
that was supposed to say "to lean on others." ~R
Dear Sweet Sista,
I just got off a little phone call with Ben and asked him to give you a hug from me (so make sure he does!) I know how hard it is for you right now babe. This is a wearing process. There is nothing simple or easy about it.
Please know that your soul sista is thinking about you, sending you many prayers and wishing you were close enough for a hug.
Much love and peace to you my beautiful friend. xx, deb
You said it yourself, Shaz: "being yourself or being who you want to be"... that's all we can do, right?
And Jen said the rest... wow, and she sure said it well too. I think she should become a therapist or something (better go over to her blog now and tell her that :)
But getting back to you: I too remember how you talked abou this before you even started treatment... how you predicted that times like this would rear their ugly head... how the drugs would affect your judgment, your perception, and fill you with a forgetfulness at times, an uncertainty, a confusion.
The good, no the admirable and amazing thing is you remain so acutely aware of your state (even through the confusion) and your concern for the loved-ones around you has lost none of its steadfast, permanence.
You're still the same Shazzy.
Vxxxxx
P.S. And look at your beautiful eye :)
I love ya more when ya in this nude. Whoops I meant mood!
Hi Shaz: I missed reading your post so much when I was in Southern CA.
You keep hitting "publish" again, and again. OK. Because I can't imagine what it would be like if I hadn't met you...you are funny, honest, authentic, and the world needs people like you.
OK, read my lips..."hit publish"
XOXXO
Thanks for all your love, concern and prayers for my Jilly-Willy.
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