Happy Happy 150 posts

When you love someone the last thing you would want is to hurt them whether it’s deliberately or accidental, well that’s me anyway.
I don’t like to hurt people that I don’t love so I do try a lot more when I care. I don’t consider myself selfish and I have been called many things in my life time but selfish has never been one of them and I do pride myself on that.I have grown so much wiser over the years I have realised many things and I have a lot (more lately) tried not to speak a predetermined feeling or reaction.
I have tried really hard not to say things like if this happened, I know I would not handle it or this is exactly what I would do. I think by speaking this and your brain hearing it subconsciously predetermines how you may react because you have set that feeling in your mind. I try not to rush to meet disaster I try to take things day by day and deal with them the best way I can for all concerned.
There was a time where I was the person you turned to when you needed something sorted out, someone who stood up and spoke when others didn’t and also the first to finish a fight if it was started. I would never kick you while you were down but I would knock you out if you messed with me or mine.
I am so much calmer now I have dealt with many issues in my life some that many will never deal with and I am so happy at the thought that many will never experience the pain I have.
I also pray for those who have.
Now I suppose I am trying to gather myself these days, deal with things in a manner that I would prefer to then the previous one, yet still achieving the same result. My kids have often been told to do as I say not as I do.
I know this was a cop out at the time but I was young, the mother of 4 and had already lived a life of women twice my age. Its not an excuse but it is my reasoning how ever misguided.
I do not do this now well at least I try not to. I do want to be the one that walks the talk and usually that involved a tiny 50kg frame (110lbs) with a tongue sharper than a samurai sword and a right hook that left me standing while others fell to their knees.
Okay that sounds terrible I know but now I am a big sook, advertisements for peaches make me cry for goodness sake so come on I used to wear a mighty front and I hid behind it.
Being tougher than I am was my defence mechanism to keep from getting hurt. All though it didn’t but no one ever knew as I would never let them in close enough to tkonow the difference. I had never given anyone the key to those big iron gates that surrounded my precious heart because I was so afraid that someone would know I was a fraud a big fat liar and just a scared little girl who had no clue.
I had been hurt and I didn’t want that to happen again. I needed to be strong so I hid behind a façade. I was a tower of strength until.......................
B and I had only been seeing each other a short while when he said to me.
I want the key!! I was a little taken back and he repeated I want the key!!
Okay now you’re just sounding weird, the key to your Heart Shaz I will put it in a box with mine and we will protect them together. Now I know this is super corny but it had a lot of meaning to me. I was reluctant, He was patient. He now knows me very well he knows my secrets and knew them before any one else, so to say I love him and would never do anything to hurt him is an understatement, so to think I may have made him sick was scary to say the least.

It is a well known fact (medical fact) that hep c is very hard to catch and there were no proven documented cases of transferring it without blood to blood contact. My ex after 15 years was clear my children also and generally it was the rule of thumb your partner and family was safe. This was fine until my doctor told me of a husband after 20 years of being with his wife who had just been cured was diagnosed positive.
To him it changes his view and he wanted to check Ben again now that I have no detectable virus. I am here to say I did the opposite of what I usually do cool calm collected Shaz has been shitting her pants waiting to get the results of his test I was thinking so many things I nearly drove myself mad I was agitated angry and not a lot of fun. So through tears I am hear to announce he is clear. I was unsure how I was going to deal with the news if it had indeed been different but he is safe now and I can relax.

Thank God.

May your week be blessed and your worries lessened by Love.

Peace and Health XXXXX