Too Much

Dark moods don’t brighten up as the wind blows the clouds aside to let through the light, so many dark places lately. I’m trying to find bright patches of relief just as the moon reveals it’s self from behind the storms that linger.
I sit in awe of those closest during my mood swings; there is so much tragedy around me at the moment. I am just hanging on to my nearest and dearest and hoping they understand my struggle.
I found out last night a girl I grew up with committed suicide leaving behind her 12 year old daughter, to say that was the last straw is an understatement. I have cried so many tears I think im running out. The anniversary of my dad’s death is coming up also and it’s just surreal to think that I still look to him for comfort after 25 years without him. I miss his warm embrace and the safe place I used to find myself in when he held me in his arms.
My mum is first and foremost on my mind I have been ringing her daily putting on a brave face as I don’t want to worry her. She is sensing my turmoil and the distance between us may as well be worlds apart for me. I can’t find comfort in confiding in her. I am still her mother figure, her protector from harm, the one who has forgiven her for the past we’d both sooner forget and never speak of. I am scared of loosing her she is 70 next year and I want her closer. I want to take care of her I need to show her that everything’s okay, that I’m okay and the past is the past.
I’m rambling I know but I need to get my head around what I’m feeling and all that is happening.
I am really okay, I have let out so much that its all up hill from now there is just so much pain around me and not being able to be the supporter has my stomach in knots. I have to let go of trying to fix everything and settle for doing the best I can and pray that it’s enough.

Peace and Health xxx

PS- Thankyou for hanging in there with me.
I appreciate how honest I can be here with you all.