Thursday, August 25, 2011

Confusion is a Prelude to Clarity

The key to winning any argument is in the details its the small things in every persons point that can either put u at the head of the race or have u slinking away muttering to yourself that your right anyway blah blah blah.
I believe, to win an argument successfully without a shadow of a doubt is to know the facts (inside and out) You need to be able to recall every detail about the point your putting across and you need to believe right or wrong that you are right. If you don't, why argue? Whats the point?
It doesn't hurt to back off and agree or agree to disagree which may sometimes be the case.
I don't believe in arguing unless you know you can win or if you know your right, seriously if your all ready wrong you don't want to be proven wrong and be made to look like an idiot.
I am pretty sure I have a point in saying all of this all though that is exactly what eludes me these days "A Point" I will start a conversation and forget half way through what I was talking about.
I will ramble, trip over my words and sigh at all the thoughts that escape my now confused mind.

Oh yeh my point.......... Could you imagine how hard it is to argue even when you know your right if you cant remeber the point of the argument or conversation.
The scary part is I used to be a very good at arguing ;) or holding my own in aconversation.
I actually used to be pretty prolific in a lot of areas and in a range of things business, useless facts, medical issues and so on if I didnt know I would find out.

The problem that I have at the moment is that my thoughts are like a cloud in a breeze, its there you can see it and then within minutes its shifted, changed and sometimes it just disappears completely.

To say I don't know my own mind at the moment is an understatement the one thing I thought I could count on was being able to remember how to do things recall facts figures and memories all of these things at the moment elude me I second guess most of everything I do and say.

Its depressing its frustrating and it is at times extremely scary.
I cant even write any more my words a just a jumbled mess of nothing.

It makes me angry, I am the epitome of the cranky old lady but not with people I don't know or with the people I work with but with those who know me intimately, those that I love desperately its always those closest to me and I'm sorry for that. I sometimes even know that I'm doing it but other times I just feel lost I seriously don't remember the conversation that they said I had.
I don't remember saying yes to the question that has apparently been discussed and I don't remember them telling me about the things that they assure me we have spoken about.
I feel like I'm back in Treatment, Im questioning my own reality.
I sometimes feel that I am not me at all the one I know to be me anyway. I just feel like I am living a different existence to the one that is supposed to be my life and I don't know what to do about it.
I question myself constantly, is there something happening to me that I cant explain or is there a reason  for it, is there actually something happening to my mind or is it just stress and I need a break from the pressures that I tend to put my self under.
The answer to all of that is I just don't know and I hate not knowing.
Is it possible to find out or am I destined to drift in this state of confusion and the fight that I seem to be having only with myself. All I have at the moment are questions and very few answers.

During the treatment that I had I was aware that a lot of people don't cope well with the mind fuk of it all I was warned that any one with previous depression issues should not by any means consider this treatment. Statistically I was told that 2% of people try to or achieve suicide whilst doing that treatment. I was told that I would be monitored closely and that they would treat any discrepancies in my normal happy nature with more drugs and if required or at worst Treatment would have to cease.
To give you an idea of where my head was back then I will direct you to this post now I have re-read a few of my posts from back then, some I remember, some....... well not so clearly but my doctor always assured me that I would get my mind back I would once again know what I was talking about or arguing about.
He assured me my mind would once again be my own it would be just as it was before given time.

WELL its been time its been lots a time and my mind is not my own my memories aren't the same as they once were my kids discuss times in there lives that I used to be able to share with them.
I cant do that anymore at times I cant even have a decent argument even if I know that I'm right.

I am actually a little lost hence my purge here, the place I used to find comfort when I felt like this.
Sadly............I dont feel any better

I really really dont like it and Im at a loss to Why?


At 7:51 pm , Anonymous Ben said...

you need to step back babe and put YOU FIRST for once in your life , the kids are old enough to do alot more for them selves then they do.
Its now the year two thousand and shaz.... love you Princess

At 7:35 am , Blogger Shaz said...

I miss you once a month is not enough of you for me. It wasnt ment to be this way and I dont like it but I love u xx


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home