Friday, August 26, 2011


Tonight I'm feeling Blessed, I have so much to be thankful for it makes all the other stuff trivial.
I have been lucky Enough to have loved and been loved by 2 men, 2 very different men the first I met when I was only 15 and yes that was young and everyone told me I was too young I didn't know what real love was and I can say unequivocally knowing what I do now that they were wrong. I did love him and I loved him with all my heart but in saying that forever wasn't meant to be he wasn't the man I was meant to be with for the rest of my life but he was the man who was meant to be the father of my 4 amazing children that I know because each and everyone of my babies were meant to be here with me as their mumma and I couldn't of achieved that with out him. I don't need to go into details of the way we grew apart or the problems we endured. I can actually now take responsibility for my part in its failure to endure the test of time. I can own up to my mistakes and as much as I would of changed a lot of things that happened I wouldn't change the part were we went our separate ways. I could of done things differently probably better but it was what it was at the time and I cant live with regret just acceptance of what and how things are.
Now the reason I know we were never meant to be together forever is because the second Love of my life completes me he has given me the acceptance and Love that I have always wanted we have an honest open and passionate relationship that is set to endure the many test put upon us. He is what I always dreamed about when you picture that perfect partner.
Now he is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but seriously who in the hell is. I am most certainly not I pushed prodded and tested his patience his love and his loyalty.
My problem in the beginning was that I never thought I deserved to be loved in such a way.
He made me believe different.
I never thought that I could trust someone with my most inner and deepest secrets.
He made me believe different
I never thought I could totally be myself without the pretence or worry of being judged.
He made me believe different.
I always thought that the things that happened to me in my past must of somehow someway been my fault.
He made me believe different.
I always thought that I had to be the tower of strength for everyone as there was no one else.
He made me believe different.
I always thought that I had to settle for a life alone as punishment for not being good enough.
He made me believe different.

But tonight and every night from the moment I met him I thank God and I am so very grateful for everything he has made me believe different.

Thank you my Love xx

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Confusion is a Prelude to Clarity

The key to winning any argument is in the details its the small things in every persons point that can either put u at the head of the race or have u slinking away muttering to yourself that your right anyway blah blah blah.
I believe, to win an argument successfully without a shadow of a doubt is to know the facts (inside and out) You need to be able to recall every detail about the point your putting across and you need to believe right or wrong that you are right. If you don't, why argue? Whats the point?
It doesn't hurt to back off and agree or agree to disagree which may sometimes be the case.
I don't believe in arguing unless you know you can win or if you know your right, seriously if your all ready wrong you don't want to be proven wrong and be made to look like an idiot.
I am pretty sure I have a point in saying all of this all though that is exactly what eludes me these days "A Point" I will start a conversation and forget half way through what I was talking about.
I will ramble, trip over my words and sigh at all the thoughts that escape my now confused mind.

Oh yeh my point.......... Could you imagine how hard it is to argue even when you know your right if you cant remeber the point of the argument or conversation.
The scary part is I used to be a very good at arguing ;) or holding my own in aconversation.
I actually used to be pretty prolific in a lot of areas and in a range of things business, useless facts, medical issues and so on if I didnt know I would find out.

The problem that I have at the moment is that my thoughts are like a cloud in a breeze, its there you can see it and then within minutes its shifted, changed and sometimes it just disappears completely.

To say I don't know my own mind at the moment is an understatement the one thing I thought I could count on was being able to remember how to do things recall facts figures and memories all of these things at the moment elude me I second guess most of everything I do and say.

Its depressing its frustrating and it is at times extremely scary.
I cant even write any more my words a just a jumbled mess of nothing.

It makes me angry, I am the epitome of the cranky old lady but not with people I don't know or with the people I work with but with those who know me intimately, those that I love desperately its always those closest to me and I'm sorry for that. I sometimes even know that I'm doing it but other times I just feel lost I seriously don't remember the conversation that they said I had.
I don't remember saying yes to the question that has apparently been discussed and I don't remember them telling me about the things that they assure me we have spoken about.
I feel like I'm back in Treatment, Im questioning my own reality.
I sometimes feel that I am not me at all the one I know to be me anyway. I just feel like I am living a different existence to the one that is supposed to be my life and I don't know what to do about it.
I question myself constantly, is there something happening to me that I cant explain or is there a reason  for it, is there actually something happening to my mind or is it just stress and I need a break from the pressures that I tend to put my self under.
The answer to all of that is I just don't know and I hate not knowing.
Is it possible to find out or am I destined to drift in this state of confusion and the fight that I seem to be having only with myself. All I have at the moment are questions and very few answers.

During the treatment that I had I was aware that a lot of people don't cope well with the mind fuk of it all I was warned that any one with previous depression issues should not by any means consider this treatment. Statistically I was told that 2% of people try to or achieve suicide whilst doing that treatment. I was told that I would be monitored closely and that they would treat any discrepancies in my normal happy nature with more drugs and if required or at worst Treatment would have to cease.
To give you an idea of where my head was back then I will direct you to this post now I have re-read a few of my posts from back then, some I remember, some....... well not so clearly but my doctor always assured me that I would get my mind back I would once again know what I was talking about or arguing about.
He assured me my mind would once again be my own it would be just as it was before given time.

WELL its been time its been lots a time and my mind is not my own my memories aren't the same as they once were my kids discuss times in there lives that I used to be able to share with them.
I cant do that anymore at times I cant even have a decent argument even if I know that I'm right.

I am actually a little lost hence my purge here, the place I used to find comfort when I felt like this.
Sadly............I dont feel any better

I really really dont like it and Im at a loss to Why?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Im Back

Im home from work, Im sick and Im tired so where do I go when I feel like shit alone and no where else to turn?

Honey I'm "HOME"

I'm all cosy and warm in my bed but it’s more than the electric blanket that is giving me comfort today its being here and writing again.

Now, I'm not a writer a poet or an artist but I do know that writing became important to me; it was my comfort food and my best friend at times.

It was with me when I was at my lowest it was with me through Birthdays, Weddings and happiness. Lots of highs and lots of lows here there has been some rambling and purging laughter and tears.
Treatment was hard it was really hard and it was long and it was draining, then he got stabbed, we got married and well so much has happened since then it’s been a long time for me to need this again or admit I need this or admit I miss this and that I love it.

My last Post was a letter written by Ish about Ben it was read in court at that woman's sentencing, which was a joke in itself but we have to move on so here we are.

Below is where I left things this time 2 years ago strange for me to read but necessary to start fresh again.

Today is significant as well, it’s been 29 years since my Dad passed and it feels surreal to even say that number. Shit its a lifetime ago but I remember it so vividly as if it were just last week, that maybe one of the reasons my facade is crumbling lately that’s probably why I felt the need to come back this is my place of comfort my very own special place where ever I may be physically this is where I am emotionally in between the lines on this page.
There are many pieces of me here many sides and many not so secret secrets I smile as I feel safe here. That's kind of hard to explain how do I feel safe in a page of words? To be honest I have no idea I'm hardly the philosopher but I am ME and I love that I can be ME "HERE"

Comfort food..........................I don’t expect or need people to eat with me but...........
I’m at my own dinner party with all my favourite foods and that’s OK because I can eat what ever I want here as much or as little as I choose.

I can snack on all the different little sweet and sour treats.

I missed here and I’m glad I'm back eating again.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My miracle Dad

I had to share, life has been tough since Ben was stabbed and I am in the process of writing an impact statement for court as she will be sentenced next Monday. Ayesha wrote on that she wanted the judge to read and it sums things up better than I ever could.

My name is Ayesha I am 14 years old and this is my statement.
As I heard my mum from her room crying and stumbling around trying to find the car keys I walked into her room I was shocked when she told me “Ben has been stabbed but go back to sleep it will all be okay ill come get you soon”. I had no idea what she was talking about as I was still half asleep and at that time she was not quiet straight with what she was saying either as she was in such distress, I went back to my bed with a million thoughts running through my head trying to figure out just what she meant by the last thing she had told me before she ran quickly to the car and drove away. At 4am being woken up by a person you had only met once was quiet confusing but I knew he was going to take us to the hospital and he said to us that Ben was in hospital and mum was already there, when we got to the hospital the room was filled with all the security boys. It was something I will never forget walking into a room of gigantic guys all crying as they waited to see if there treasured mate would make it. As we walked up to the waiting room mum was in, she was pacing back and forth outside the huge green coloured doors where I knew Ben was, as mum locked her crying eyes on ours she ran to us hugging us tightly saying she wasn’t sure yet but we are all praying for him to pull through. It felt like forever waiting for our dad to come back to us, then finally the massive green doors swung open and there he was, a man that so many people were counting on to make it, a father figure to me and someone that had helped so many people in the toughest of times but now no one there could do a thing for him but pray and wait. He was wheeled out on a big white bed, so still and looking all of a sudden very fragile, everyone waiting was so very grateful for the miracle that the surgeon had just completed, bringing back someone that had always been there for me and my family. The times we visited him in the hospital were usually very short as he would drift in and out of sleep, but every moment I spent with him from then on was valued. Seeing him with all those tubes down his throat, needles in his hands and a 20cm cut down his stomach will be stuck in mind forever, and it will be looked upon and remembered as the day my dad almost died. When he came back home with us although we knew he was safe and going to be okay, still not all of him was there and still isn’t today. When we go somewhere as a family we always have to think if Ben will be comfortable doing that. Going to the beach together cannot be enjoyed as it used to be as he is very self conscious of his scar and does not like people looking at it or asking about it. Going to the shopping center changed as well as if it is too crowded we have to leave as Ben gets fidgety and uncomfortable. Although I am forever thankful of his return to us I just wish he was the same Ben we used to wake up to every morning before the 18th May 2008.

Ayesha Madden

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

You have to Love Australia we went back to where I lived for 15 years Cairns........ In North Queensland I love and miss this place a lot. We stayed in Cairns then up to Port Douglas and on to Cape Tribulation in the Daintree it was awesome to share the beauty of thes places with Ben.

Well its been a while and I don't know what to say life is busy and complicated. We are waiting for the sentencing of the woman who tried to murder Ben and I just cant seem to get things on track.
We went on our honeymoon and it was peaceful. I wish I could escape and be a permanent backpacker but instead I am in the market for a job. It has been a long time and the pressures that present themselves in achieving this are a little daunting.
I am well and the fibromyalgia is for most part being kind to me but stress is a huge trigger.My motivation for anything at the moment is not where i hoped it would be but i am sure things will eventually fall into place. I hope all is well with you all and I hope to reconnect with you all soon.
By the way I am going to be a grandmother :)Danicka is nearly 4 months pregnant and we are overjoyed at the prospect. Ben is going to be a Poppy before he is a dad but he is totally excited.