Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Friends with Blogs

Look how cool this is!!!!!!!

It warmed my Heart to such an extent I cried and smiled at the thought of this being a real photograph.

It was photo shopped by L and I just Love it.

I can close my eyes and imagine the moment just before we are seated, the moment we lock real eye contact for the first time ever............. for like real.

Its surreal to me its a dream and a goal.

Their are warm tender Hugs, hands being held, tears being shed, amazement shared and a warmth of spiritual souls intertwined in a union of friendship. Strangers meeting for the first time but knowing each other with a contentment of learnt stories put forth only by words written on a page.

There has been no personal contact until now. No coffee shared no house calls on lonely days in the physical sense. There has been daily visits though, don't think tears haven't been shed together, nor lonely moments filled with joy by these women because you would be wrong in thinking that.

Physically they have never touched, physically they have never looked into the eyes of their friend and spoken real words aloud so their ears hear the tender audible sounds of hearts meeting for the first time.

All of that has nothing to do with the emotional bond shared and the deep friendships forged simply by words written on that page.

Gestures and gifts shared sent across oceans with Love and tender meanings have been up until this point their only contact. That photo is still at this point just a dream but I sleep soundly knowing realities are spawn from dreams and I will post this photo one day if I am lucky 1 or more of these women by my side.

Blogging has changed my world, it has changed me. It has renewed my faith in humanity. I don't feel alone with my fears and secrets or experiences as I once did I am open and Honest and supported by a network of people around the world. I think this is truly fascinating, welcoming and I feel humble and blessed by this support. Deb is an angel with wise words and sentiments and so many similarities that we scare our selves. There is beauty in our lives now that we have connected and I pray everyone feels a strong bond with someone at this moment.

Peace and Health To All xxx

P.S I am avoiding my Health and Treatment and focusing on other things for now. I am coping. I am not in a grateful place with that at the moment but I am sure you can imagine. No need for details just yet.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

An Inconvenient Truth

Global Warming I watched this Documentary today.
I needed to rest this morning so I did (guilt free)

It struck a chord, I know very little about American politics and I give uninformed comments so please don't let me offend.
I personally don't like Bush, I don't like that our Prime Minister is his Lap Dog.
I don't like the war in Iraq.
I hate the waste of Life.
I do want World Peace.

I Love this quote. Mark Twain!

What gets us into Trouble is not what we dont know

Its what we know for sure that just aint so.....................

I do want to help our Planet.
I do recycle I do compost.
I do my best, so far as I can for know(financially)

I would prefer solar and using sustainable energy but that is not possible YET.

Uninformed foreigner from OZ asks why anyone would vote for Bush over Al Gore.

Just a question, be gentle, just a change of mood
and pace for me I am curious and I just need a change of subject other than my treatment. I am sure you understand.

This Film really woke me up and I thought I was aware, what blew me away more than the movie, was comments on you tube.

The complacency some of the explanations and reactions. I honestly cant believe that some people are so blind to our earths situation. Some of it sounded like a campaign trail but you cant deny the content.

Great Documentary if you haven't seen it worth a look.

Peace and Health To all xxx

Sunday, January 28, 2007

This weekend and last few days has been a little rough. (hence my being absent)
My body aches, my kidney stones are giving me trouble, my head hurts and these damn crampy things in my legs are painful and agitate me beyond belief. I have been up all night in the bathroom but I am not vomiting so yay for that(wink) and I have an aching gum or abscess on my tooth or something all I know is my jaw is swollen and aching.
{Mmmmm I hate saying all that shit but its my reality and when I am better I want to remember these horrid times to remind me of how far I have come}
I have been cranky tired withdrawn and for the most part not much fun to be around.

I am huge on telling my
lovely don't feel guilty, allow your self to suffer and nurture you mind and body, give it time to heal and don't burden yourself with guilt over what you cant change.
I believe all this to be true and I think its good advice, its hard advice to take though.
I suppose its a natural instinct to feel bad when you cant give your loved ones 100% as you would like to. It is also hard not to feel sorry for ones self at 3am in the morning when your alone with your pain and sickness.
Our house is full of tension its the end of the Holidays its a new era the youngest of my kids Ayesha starts High School joining her sister Tayla. My babes are growing up oh so quickly and I hate that I am not more supportive of their needs right now. I am trying but its hard, really hard. I was awake most of the night so getting up early to take Ayesha to her first day with a smile on my face was not the most joyous of things to be asked of me today. I managed but now feel like going back to bed I cant sleep because of the pain but I would prefer to be out of sight and mind, alone in my misery.
I wont though I will do as I promised and go out with Ben, keeping that smile on my face as tense as it may be, gaining an academy award performance.
I will be full of pain meds and everything else I need to function as to keep some normality in our relationship throughout this whole shit time in our lives.
Don't get me wrong I wont to go and enjoy his company but it is an effort.

I hide a lot of pain and I push through a lot of my trauma, I thought I was doing everyone a favour so as to not have them worry but as it turns I am sure some of them think I use it as an excuse, I am sure they also think I am just a cranky bitch for no reason and they tend to forget because I don't push it down their throats every 5 minutes that this is hard and I am doing my best under the circumstances.
It just seems like a no win situation, I am not big on feeling sorry for myself and I always look at the bright side. I am so grateful for maxalon(to stop vomiting) I cant tell you how they have changed my life recently. Pain meds are my not so welcome, but closest friend. My inner strength pushes me daily but I don't always say so.

I presumed that those closest to me or friends from always knew me better, I presumed I wouldn't be judged by what I am doing differently now, the fact I am saying no or not making it to special occasions, I am not ringing every week or I am just not as in-tune as I usually am.
I thought it would be just understood and not questioned as an excuse. It seems I was wrong and there is talk. I don't want to know I don't really care(yeah right) those who know me know I am not a sook and I would if I could I have always pushed my own boundaries and if I cant they should know that its not an excuse, its because I cant and I shouldn't have to apologize for that.

I feel because this is such a long treatment and I am so far away they really have no clue whats going on. I know I should say more but I don't and I hate to say how bad I am. I cant do it.
I can write it but I don't want to say it aloud, its all to real when my own ears hear it and it sounds pathetic. If it wasn't for your prayers and blessings and faithful comments I would be forgotten its my newest formed friendships that have been my biggest support excepting a few and if it wasn't for you I would be very alone in all this.
I just have to toughen my mind set maybe no ones talking, maybe I am paranoid.
It just feels different I am different and I don't like it.
I said I hate drugs and I hate that I don't know my own mind but today will be over soon and a new one will begin and hopefully my thoughts will be more positive tomorrow.

Peace and HEaLTH TO AlL xxx

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Tired Ramblings Of Guilt and Annoyance

Blessings, how does one measure the blessings in their life?

Is their a measuring stick to which we use?
Is there a scale of what is good and what is bad?
Do we go by the fortune or misfortune of others?
How do you measure your standing in this life?
Do you consider your self blessed and Why?

I am also curious about the internal thoughts and dialogue that we have with our selves.
All the positive chatter and expression through language and words to other people is nothing if our Heart and Soul are not connecting with our true feelings.
I think my biggest hurdle is honesty about myself and my limitations of thinking I am superwoman and giving my self a break and permission to say no. (guilt free)

To explain. I am Honest.. I will tell you honestly what I think when you ask.
I would never lie to save my self and hurt someone else.
My problem with Honesty lays somewhere between my head my heart and my mouth.
All in relation to others perceptions of me.

I do not think that is a bad thing sometimes but I have had trouble with that, people taking advantage of me because I think I can do everything. (I feel I have to sometimes)

I sometimes am not sure if people are being honest with me or if they even really give a shit.
Sometimes people get so consumed with themselves and so selfish. They never experience the joy of giving without expectation.
I have always loved to give, whether it was money love or material possessions.

I always felt my biggest gift, yet least appreciated gift was TIME.

Why is it people need to see to receive, why do they need to feel it in their hands, why cannot they feel it in their hearts.
I am so in-tune with time and gestures and I hope I come across as appreciative as I am.
The thought of taking someone for granted and them feeling it would crush me.
I am such a toughie on the outside with a tongue of nine tails at injustice but I am sincere.

I do care, I do feel, and I think other true hearted people see that.(but not all people)

I have some old friends though that take me for what I portray to them. That’s my honesty problem they ask I say yes (even to my own detriment as not to hurt their feelings) when I feel they should know or see in their Hearts it is just to much for me but they allow me to do it anyway and I act for them.

I know this is my fault but?
Can they not see or do they just really don’t care or is it they are blinded by the fact I never say no and I am always the first to lend a hand if at all possible.

I am not one to complain after I have said yes when I should have said no but being taken for granted hurts, and a little fore thought would not go astray.

One is to make them worry less or not feel so bad about being happy or healthy.
I do not feel sorry for myself nor do I resent things going well for other people.
In fact it is the good in others lives that keeps me positive, smiling and Happy.

Especially when mine is not so great I am sometimes envious but its usually of different things like poems art creative expression, Not money or houses or cars and the like.
If I cant be truly Happy for someone close to me who is doing well what kind of person would that make me?
Statistically I am not sure but there are people like that people who victimize him or herself and they are miserable in someone else’s joy through Jealousy.
I cannot stand that I hate it and I have learnt to hate as little as possible, it is an extremely difficult emotion to change or even dissect it is a strong powerful and an ugly emotion due to carelessness on one or both sides of a situation. Carelessness in our relationships with others is, we tend to become vulnerable and lazy.
We take for granted what is staring us in the face, relationships are lost and bonded over these issues.

Do you give as much as you get?
Do you give just to get?
Are you happy just to give?
Do you feel overwhelmed and grateful by receiving?

Why are you blessed and have you told someone close today how much you appreciate their efforts thoughts or comments, a little goes a long way.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you could be doing today, tomorrow may never come.

Ramblings of my pain filled mind, whom is doing better so don’t worry just a lot of bits and pieces that needed outing for me to be clearer and put some actions into place for the well being of me. Guilt tends to consume me when my heart tells me different.

Finding the right Balance isn't as easy as it is sometimes portrayed.

Cheers to Honesty and Guilt free Balance

Peace and Health To All xxx

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


Yesterday the girls and I walked along the beach did some window shopping
here had dinner and went to see the movie "In the Pursuit of Happiness" Nice story but slow and long especially considering the air con in the theatre was playing up, it was so so Hot.
But it was a nice arvo and night a sweet girlie afternoon.

My body has been aching that's about the worst of my side affects at the moment a few headaches here and there and a little worse after Fridays but actually pretty good so I am still so grateful for that, apparently the drugs weaken my muscles and especially those in the joint areas like knees shoulders hips and so on. Walking up and down the stairs through out the day really wears me down. I tend to make my trips purposeful when I do them and the little runs for folding or fetching I utilise my baby's abundant energies and young healthy legs to do it for me.

They realise that a few good friends will be more important then a lot of acquaintances and if there lucky enough to hold on to one real friend for life then they have been truly blessed and their lives will be enriched and fulfilled by that.
We have had a lovely couple of days, I wish Ayesha was with us but Olivia and Tayla are such a joy I haven't missed Ish as much as I would have because we have been busy, I also know she is having a ball with her bestie (also an old friend from Brisbane)

I do love that they hold their friendships dear and my friendships old and new have had a positive impact on them and how they nurture their own relationships with those they care about make me very proud indeed.

As a mum I try to instill values and moral groundings that will set my kids up in their future.
I am not a genius nor do I have a University Degree.
What I do have is Life experience and a huge amount of Love for each and everyone that I care about especially the four little lives I brought into this world they are my reason for being and they are the reason my heart continues to beat. I used to tell my kids one at a time starting with Dana that every second heart beat was for her and one was for me to look after and love her, then came Kyle and I told him every third heartbeat is for you sweet boy one for Dana and the other for me to look after you both, then Tayla and Ish and so the story goes, if it wasn't for them my heart would break, with all of them it works perfectly and things are just as they should be.

Well as I was writing this post I just had the most awesome foot spa and pedicure courtesy of Tayla-Rose she does it so well.
I am ready to try and get some sleep as soon as Ben leaves for work.

Peace and Health To all xxx

Monday, January 22, 2007

Best Friends

Look at these two gorgeous gals Olivia and my Babe Tayla.

Best Friends.
I Love how they Love each other.
They have an honest open and a very mature relationship for their age, they are respectful of each other they have no jealousy or hang ups about each other. They are everything I want for them to be.
Olivia has been apart of our family since they met.
I adore her she is such a gorgeous heart.
She is spending the last week of the holidays with us and we are having a great time.
Since we moved, lots of phone calls weekends and moments trying to organise more time.
Laughs, photos, laughs, cooking, laughs, shopping, laughs, craft, laughs, makeup and more laughs.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

6 Weird things

I have been tagged to write 6 weird things about myself by Angela.
I have had to ask Ben my kids and my girlfriend Lyndell for ideas not that I am not weird!!!
But only 6 your Kidding right, oh well here goes.

1. I am a closet nudest, I would not and do not walk around naked if anyone can see me.
Except my poor kids and Ben. I hate clothes sometimes, so be it.
Woops not such a great look but I don't care its only family

2. I talk in my sleep and sleepwalk, my talking isn't just jibber Ben can and does hold full conversations with me. (I have no memory of any conversation)

3. I have to make my sandwiches in a perfect order, if there is not an order, It just isn't right,
I hate them being made for me, I would rather do it myself. As I do get agitated if its not

4. I brush my teeth and tongue about 6 times a day, and floss twice daily
(a little compulsive) I also carry a toothbrush in my handbag.

5. I absolutely Piss myself laughing when I hurt myself and always have my friends spin out. Broken bones and things I always burst out in hysterics (must be a nervous thing)

6. It is extremely ridiculous how people will have some bad luck and they say things happen in threes. Well its a long standing joke that my life is lived like fictional story book, from whow to go it never ends there is always a hurdle and never a surprise its just another thing to go wrong and they say if its going to happen it will happen to me, its quite ironic and well known. It is funny as all you can do is laugh about it but it is head shaking stuff for some.

I thought it would be easy but when you have to think about it its not so easy(Yeah Right) lol

I have been feeling unwell since fridays injection severe migraine and vommiting but it seems to be setling down and really I have had a great week so I am not complaining at all.

Peace and Health on you weekend xx

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Who am I ???????

I found this strange but somethings I consider in an abstract way as there are two sides to me.
I put into this web site my name on my birth certificate, seems pretty standard...... Yeah?

Well not so much as I have two....
Some of you may or may not remember I am adopted so I put in both my names at birth and the out come of my personality observation is extremely similar.

I don't really believe in this kind of thing but for me it was interesting in the fact that I am just me, I was given two completely different names at birth 10 days apart.
I was and am still me.
The similarities and fundamentals of me and my ("so called characteristics") are so very close and its funny how its portrayed by 2 names that were and are both mine.
I seem to be a little of both of these people.

Who am I according to this am I Sharon or am I Jacinta.
I think I am Sharon with a lot of Jacinta, so its really strange for the most part.
I don't like to describe myself usually and Like to hear others opinions whether its personal cause they know me or by fun tid bits like these types of things.
I am different numbers in numerology using my name but Both descriptions of my numbers are similar as well.
I am me regardless of my name but who am I really, a question most of you never had a need to question in relation to where your from or how you are who you have become(other than the normal surrounding but deep inside your heart who you are), born from one raised by another.
My genetics created me, but so did my environment.
I am morally forthright, I am deeply caring for animals kids and anyone or thing that is the underdog or to a certain extent a minority, I am feisty but shy inappropriately loud but also reclusive by nature.
So my NATURE is the topic of QUESTION
I have my birth mums laugh her eyes and a softness that I appreciate and admire but also get angry as she is often taken advantage of.
This also describes me sometimes and also my mum who raised me.
My birth mum is independent and giving.
My mum who raised me dependant and hermit like.
So the question still remains is kindness trusting and being gullible genetic or is it how you were raised is it who you are or where your from.
To many factors to consider. It doesn't really matter, but weird when you lived the first 21 years of your life as 1 person with no blood reflection of you self then since then something else to compare myself by.
I love both these women deeply for separate reasons.
I actually have deep dislikes for both these women for different reasons also.
I am who I am and I don't apologize for that.
I am proud of who I am and feel that I am who I am just the way it was meant to be.
I thank both these people for me.
I experienced a lot alone, but the basics were there my strength was there my deep inner spirit with me helping me through.
Was it there at conception?
Was it instilled after birth?
Its a question that has no answer, one I am happy to let lie.
I believe its both, to many coincidences, laughs looks and expressions between strangers after 21 years for it not to be both.
For me its interesting and something that I ponder on occasions, probably just like this.

What do you think?
Is it Blood and Plasma?
Is it love and upbringing?
Or is it from Faith? (Nah, Free will)

Interesting Question

Peace and Health To All xxxx

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

My Artistic baby.

Okay, I know the picture of Ayesha isn't the greatest one but we lost a lot of pictures on Bens computer in a storm, I am so not computer literate so no backup discs we are trying to recover them but this pic works for my purpose.

I have been missing my babies as you know, so I started going through some of their end of year take home school stuff.
I came across this chalk drawing that Ayesha has done. I was blown away, the picture I have taken doesn't do it justice.
It really is great. I knew she dabbled we dabble together but I rang her and asked her if her teacher helped and she said no mum why?
I said cause its beautiful that's why, she said it was OK. She was in a hurry!!!

We are not naturally artistic or so I thought I am just so glad that we have tapped into her creative side. We bought her a lot of paints, water colour pencils and a couple of canvases for her B'Day and she cant wait to get started this year and neither can I.
Just thought I would share!!
I know ProuD mumma but shes good YEH?

Just an up-date on my Health, I am good I am really good. I woke up okay I had a good day and I am still okay no pain meds except aspirin which is like a mint lolly when I am in pain.
I know stop gushing, but I am happy even if its only 1 day I feel very blessed to have had that.
Fingers crossed for tomorrow guys!!!!!

Peace and Health for All YaHoooooooooooooooo

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Okay when is rude rude?????

How does one define rudeness?

I know we all our special friends or family, you know the ones the tactless ones (whom we accept and adore) the ones who open their mouths with total disregard to any body else’s feelings what so ever.

Anywhoooo I was laying on my mattress on the floor, which has I hate to admit, has taken up permanent residence on my lounge room floor.

When the phone rang, which is always a dilemma who’s it going to be?
Do I really want to pretend I am OK just to make my friends and family feel better and not worry?
Do I really want to get it if it is not for me?
Ben's asleep he is on midnights so there is only the answering machine and me.
What if it is someone I really do not want to talk to?
(I do not know whom, smile) but ya know when you just do not want to talk.
What if it is important and I don’t make it in time.
Oh shit….. Answering machine or me? it is a battle in my brain I am telling you.

Okay I answer the phone by falling off the mattress tripping to the phone because I thought so long about whether to answer it or no, I had to hurry.(yes I did it gracefully, NOT)

So I answer putting on my cool voice my healthy trying to hide my pain voice and say Hell?

I mean "Hello"
The voice on the other end promptly proceeds to inform me that she is not going to sell me anything(good cause I am broke Honey) she wont take up to much of my time and if I don’t mind BLAH BLAH BLAH I’m thinking to myself by now shit I knew I shouldn’t of answered the damn phone smiling through gritted teeth, oh okay so this is a survey yeah?

(so kicking myself right now)
Yes, it is and it will be of great benefit and interest to your community, okay she is still babbling, doing her job I know but please its dinnertime
( but if its that important I will listen a little longer) She doesn’t know if I have 3 month old quads screaming for breast milk when there’s only two titties to go round, she’s not to know that this could be a really bad time because I have just flushed the last remaining friend of our gold fish family down the loo, or it could just be I didn’t for the love of god want to get up and answer the damn phone.
So I patiently listen.
She has not drawn breath I am sure because she has a timer to see how long it takes her to be hung up on at each cold call and shes in competition with the 600 people squashed in to their cubicles beside her.

I usually do the damn things everyone has to make a living and I am usually to polite to say no.

But………..I am sorry so not in the mood for a ten-minute quiz unless it really is worth it(fair, No?) So I ask excuse me what is the survey about?
Simple question she has already stated that it is of benefit and concern to me so I figured it a completely reasonable request seeing she rang ME.
Oh No it wasn’t, apparently she wanted to do it first then tell me WHY?
Who knows, she started to argue with me as I tried to explain I really did not feel like doing something I didn’t want to do right now especially if I don't know why.
Well you can’t know!! BUTTT

Okay I really don't want to do it.
She was getting really narky by now and she proceeded to tell me its my loss it was important and it was about rain, Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep

Yes you got it she hung up on me, I can not believe this woman she disturbed me I answered tried to be polite and I think I was for all intense and purpose but she hung up on me, me, over apparently rain.
I am a little perturbed and flabagasted, no don't let her get to you, then I laughed and then I really laughed. Then I thought about it again.
After all that she had the gall to hang up on me shit I am pissed, she got to me........ she really got to me. I think shes rude.
WHY? Because I thought of my mate and her F for F they always crack me up.
She is not a cold caller or telemarketer of sorts but she does do her job on the phone and she has some real idiots calling her rude assholes hassling her and she puts up with them politely, stating facts so here’s my post dedicated to her I am still not sure who was in the wrong or who was rude maybe you can tell me.

Health and Peace Friends xxx

Monday, January 15, 2007


Health Up_date:
Hello friends I am okay emotionally, my head is a little clearer and I am quite peaceful mentally.
Physically...........well, my body is extremely sore and tense with spasms down my left side but I am coping with meds. Enough of the health crap I am over it(Smile)

I am so happy that my babes will be home in a couple of days. I miss them more with each year that passes.
Time does not stop for anybody and it is going far too quickly the older they get, the further from my control they drift and the tighter I seem to try to hold on, obviously I have to let go but as I have said before, that is the hardest part of having them.

If yours are little trust me! If you have already been there you know, and I am sure would agree that it sneaks up on you all of a sudden.
It seems one minute your changing nappies and then there first day of school arrives the phone calls from the opposite and same sex start calling, like, all so like regularlike.
Then its party time and work or college, my first 2 opted work.
My girlfriend in Brisbane wants them before I pick them up, as she just loves having them around as well and now we live an hour away she Misses them even more as we used to see her at least 2/3 times a week.
I miss them though, and, I am in a dilemma, do I let them have fun with my girlfriend and sacrifice those few days? or do I turn into a selfish cow pick them up and bring them home and smother them with my love to the point were they are just like melted chocolate on my finger tips.

AHhh the beauty of Choices.......Sigh......... I do not consider myself selfish in my actions (or I try not to be), on the other hand I am definitely selfish in my thoughts and all aspects of time with my babes.
As much as I like time away to just be, with me alone or time with Ben.

When I am connecting with my babies I soak up every second like a fresh dry sponge.
Don't get me wrong I just reread that line(giggle)I am so not sitting here proclaiming I am a perfect mum and that I soak up all they do and say with a love and intensity that precludes all other women and that i am second to none, because I can be a right B#*^h as well and I can yell until I am blue in the face and................................
I do just sometimes switch off and ignore them. Sometimes I hide and also pretend I am asleep. ALL of those Things happen on occasion but collectively I live to see them smile and wrap their loving arms around my waist and put their heads to my heart while I whisper words of love in their ears.
I decided to ask the girls and they want me to decide uh oh what to do?????

Well to bad, I am not deciding now I will think about tomorrow I need to rest more. (maybe that's my answer it is quality after all) I am sick of drug-induced sleep but I am also grateful for it and this
poem by deb sums it up perfectly.

Health and Peace to you all xxxx

Edit: My girls will be staying with Lyndell she just rang and is very excited as is her gorgeous son Darcy who is 3. Lyndell was my bestie in High School and was the only one who new my secret life outside of school, she married my best guy friend and so it gets dicey when they fight but we are so close it all works out, Lyndell is the second more fun mum to my girls and they adore her sooooo I am a little jealous but if I have to share my girls with anybody its definitely going to be her I trust her completely and that's the main thing, I guess I will have to rest up so I am of some quality when they finally come home :)

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Wandering a maze through stormy weather

I wanted to say something inspiring and earth shattering but of course.
I draw nothing but darkness.
My mind is like a storm, with dark clouds blowing around, not knowing in what direction they will finally stop to rest.

Its the unknown in my head that is giving me this unwanted arousal of emotions.
I cant decipher through the gusts of confusion that keep blustering up, just when things are starting to become more calm.

I used to be able to sit with pen paper and a glass of red in a dimly lit corner of the room. Or I would go out the backyard and express exactly what my head was saying to my Heart or visa versa, it was controlled and unmistakable, right and wrong black and white, it was a reasonably easy task. It was very private, but also very comforting.
My war was over for the the best part of that moment and my paper would be burnt.
Ashes blown into the wind to fly away along with all my pain fears and ever growing feelings of unworthiness. I would be again at Peace.

Now.......... its the Greys, the ifs, the buts and the maybes that plague my brain and then, there begins the war with in myself.

I know its the drugs!!!! my Doctor tells me its the drugs.
The literature tells me its the drugs.
I tell me its the drugs.
BUT......... the drugs tell me its me its all my fault, I should be braver, I should be Happier, I should be coping better, I shouldn't need all these pain meds I should be tougher than this.

Then I am torn...........
my head,
my heart,
my reality and the drug induced agitated state of myself both physically and emotionally gets way to much for me to bear.
Its even harder to convey my feelings as I get tongue tied and lost for words that have any true meaning.

If I cant live with me at the moment, if I cant stand me at the moment, what the hell does everyone else have to put up with.
What am I actually doing to those around me? am I sending them mad as well or is that just in my head.
Do I abandon all hope of trying to recognise reality or do I fight on head first into battle with myself not even knowing if there was any real argument in the first place.

Its a scary uncontrolled test environment.
I feel like a rat in a cage trying to find my way through the maze towards the final prize, the light at the end of the tunnel.

A cure

Friday, January 12, 2007

My Babies Birthday......... OoPps

I just noticed My babies Birthday was still in Draft Oh oh He will feel unloved with no comments so now its posted but you will have to link back. Sorry Ky Ky

Thursday, January 11, 2007

I Love Kisses

Whats the Best Part of arguing?

Kissing and making up???????

Of course the answer is both YAY

We spent the day (a few hours anyway) in a boat on the Maroochy River today with Bella our puppy(first boat ride), some peace and tranquility well earned I feel, the water always soothes my soul. It was a good way to chill after the upheaval of my week

(I haven't been very easy to live with, in fact probably really horrible if I was to be honest) Enough already I am back and normal (as good as it gets anyway) never the less back :)

Okay its Thursday night AGAIN whats the go with that!!!!!!! How does it come round so quickly?
I am just starting to feel like I have gotten through another week and Friday is here again........
Injection day, actually? I am okay with that. So no need for anymore discussion on that.

Ben has booked me in to get my hair done, seriously its such a treat.
I maybe go once a year, I am not much into spoiling myself.
I do my own usually (hence the UMmmm not so good attempt at dark hair.)

My hair is light not dark, obviously not blond, blond like it used to be but quite fair.
My eyebrows are big bushy and black, I hated them and was teased for years because I had blond hair and one big mother of a black eyebrow (not so funny at 10) Why didn't my mum teach me about tweezers hello she had no eyebrows thanks to the 60s/70s!! Hardly fair I think whoops digressing, okay the Northern Italian father whom I hadn't met until I was 21 was big blond and blue eyed.
My Nona on the other hand "Sshh Whispering" (Dark and hairy, Oohh shivers)
My mum brown hair and brown eyes.
My nan a Beautiful Irish Lass hence my youngest babes Flaming Red Hair.
So I am an Irish Italian who has a thing for sushi, go figure.

I had a great day but I miss my girls, I have spoken to both my big kids cause I am sookin it about my little kids, but I decided not to ring the babies tonight as Ayesha (12, youngest red hair) was so upset last night it broke my heart she has bad sunburn and apparently has a large blister on her nose. She is very sensitive and her dad well thinks it is funny to call her Nanny Mcphee(the big wart thing)
I know.......... cold cruel and stupid but its his birthday today and I don't want to ring and have her be upset today in case its going well (I do pray it is) but look out first thing in the morning if I ring and shes still crying.

I don't understand why its so hard she has red hair she doesn't get burnt with me but hey she is 12 and has to take some responsibility but it just really pisses me off that she is suffering on her one holiday a year with him and she misses me.
I don't say things like this to her I make excuses for him as I don't want to influence her feelings about her dad, he loves them I know he does but he is just such a W*#/>R sometimes.

Ill be glad to have them back as they are so good to me through this and I miss their cuddles they spoil me.(they shit me too, giggle) but I miss them woefully.

Anyway that was all over shop but hey? this is my head at this moment right before bed.
I am loosing all train of thought right now meds kickin in.

Maybe emails in the morning I am a little confused right now.
Peace and Health xxx

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Pics as Promised........My Bec :)

We started with a gentle hug and smile..........

Then Bex came to life

Not to be out done


Kisses for My sweet friend
And Kisses to You All

Did I look as though I was haveing as much fun as I actually was?............Maybe (GIGGLE)

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

8 weeks...... Marks my Falling from Grace

I have thought this far I have done okay, all you gorgeous people help me through this journey and with out your unwaivering support I dont Know what I would of done with out you.

BUT Tonight I fall..............

Today was Specialist Day.

I have monthly appointments, it doesn't seem like 4 weeks ago I had my last visit to him, that well Umm if you remember didn't go so well.
Today was different, yes in a good way, it came and went without any real incident.
I have 4 more weeks till "D" Day. The day I find out if the last 3 months has made a difference.

There will be one of three out comes.....

FIRST: The treatment has made no difference what so ever and it will be stopped. That will mean my disease will get progressively worse and I will just have to be treated symptomatically and eventually well you know.
SECOND: The treatment has made a small dent in my disease and we continue until the 24 week mark then test again. If no change by week 24 then the prognosis is the same as the above.
THIRD: This is the optimal result, My results come back as there being no trace of the disease in my blood and we continue on for the full 48 weeks and then I have a 85% chance of a complete cure.

My white cell count has risen which is great news and everything else is going to plan my liver function tests are all over the place but that's okay.

Well my news is reasonably positive?

The treatment is doing what it should so far and the worst of the extreme side effects are better than they were (physically anyway)
Why am I sitting here trying to type through tears welling in my eyes?
Why is my heart aching as if I have lost someone close to me?
Why am I at war within my own subconscious?

My head is in a constant battle with my heart and my inner core is posing the question of what the hell is going on in here.

I am at war with myself emotionally and physically.
As positive as I try to be my head keeps bringing me down to a level of insecurity that I thought I had dealt with many years ago and many times over.
I am at Peace. I feel at Peace.
Generally.......................... but somethings wrong and its out of my control.
I feel overwhelmed unloved alone and my head is playing those old games again, but my heart is fighting back so at the moment reality BITES.
As a little girl I felt loved I was loved BUT I always thought it was conditional upon lots of things.
Like.....getting good grades, winning races, competitions and just being the best the happiest anything that made me feel worthy, worthy of the "love" bestowed upon me.
I did all those things, but as a kid and young adult I felt as though I had to do whatever it took to be loved (and I did) My children changed that and I started to feel worthy of Love for the right reasons.
I was at ease with my adoption and am at ease but maybe I felt as though I had to earn Love because I was chosen, not because I was given up but because I was chosen and I didn't feel worthy for whatever reason.
( whow that was a self psycho analysis of my child hood and my demons that I am in no way qualified to do, giggle)
I do feel worthy, I deserve to be loved and I know this.
So what is going on?
This treatment is messing with my head the drugs are giving me drug induced paranoia and an angry and agitated uncontrollable feeling of rage and dismay of unworthiness.
I feel as though I have to many people in my head bringing me down, to many arguments that I cant remember how they started all of this is happening inside me on our silent trip to the doctor and goes on regularly at different moments during my day or week.
I feel as if I have lost control of everything, this stage is difficult but apparently normal and is putting pressure on my relationship as I don't know whats real if its me if I am wrong or right about anything.
I feel like I have, and, am going completely mad. My highs are High and my lows well there in the gutter. I have just taken a pause to chat with poet and I feel better, sort of.
We chatted and I loved it, the only problem is, she thinks as do you that, I am confident, I am strong well that's not actually a problem because I feel as though I am but this treatment is testing my whole inner strength with every fibre of my entire body.
I should, we should, be enjoying our time alone with out kids but instead I am in a constant tug of war with reality, me and Ben for that matter.
I so want this to be a great year it will be a great year but these drugs and this treatment is hard, I have just taken another pause to be sick (and brush my teeth) sigh.
Excuse my rambles but I cant explain this >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Treatment...........torture........... trials......... tribulations........ everything sux at the moment.

I am scared of the What Ifs? the questions that can only come with time.
Questions LIKE: Will this cure me?
: Will my head and body get back to normal?
: Will the war inside of me end peacefully and on the real Me's terms?
: Will my relationship survive me and this?

Maybe the real question, the only question that haunts my soul with all the strength that I have and Portray is....... : Will I survive?

I hate Drugs

I hate not being in control

I hate pain

I hate vomiting

I hate treatment

I hate that I have given up smoking

I Hate THAT my HEAD feels to HEAVY for my NecK causing me PAIN

I hate ME.................................... at the moment

With all that HATE I do love you for being with me and allowing me to vent without judgement or ridacule and I do LOve that.

Huge hugs Health and Peace xx

Sunday, January 07, 2007

MeMe...From.....Creative Connections and Deb.R

Getting to Know You: Fill in the Blanks
Deb from Red Shoe Ramblings, Is the Wednesday guest blogger for this first month of Getting to Know You posts.
These posts will each be a brief set of questions (or questions-like statements!) - something different every week, but each set will be designed to help us all get to know each other a little better.

So let's get started!

From Creative connections

Fill in the blanks to each of these statements - it's as simple as that! These don't have to be one-word responses. Use as few or as many words as you need to fill each blank, in order to tell your story.

1. I have never wanted to swim with sharks; but I've always thought I might like to try wreck diving.

2. When I was 3 years old, I believed I could fly.

3. If I was my own best friend, what I would enjoy the most about spending time with Me would be, my passion for love and my sense of humour; while what I'd find the most irritating would be my Laugh and my indecisiveness.

4. If the story of my life up to this point was being published tomorrow, it would be titled.
"The Truth Behind Those Innocent Eyes" and it would be dedicated to everyone I love especially Ben and my Babes.
And would be the trials and tribulations of a survivor who can still laugh.

5. When my time on Earth is over, and the people who loved me are remembering me, it would please me if they said...... we loved the way she loved me and she always made me laugh no matter what her heart was hiding.

I love MeMe's tag or no tag there great when I haven't the energy for anything else.
I also love to learn more about you guys.

Peace and Health xx

I am From Pluto........apparently

You are a planet.
You are a dark, mysterious soul, full of magic and the secrets of the universe.
You can get the scoop on anything, but you keep your own secrets locked in your heart.
You love change and you use it to your advantage, whether by choice or chance.
You don't like to compromise, to the point of being self-destructive with your stubborness.
Live life with love, and your deep powers will open the world to you.
I also got this from Deb I like these when my head is blank and I don't want to bore you with my health or my destructive thoughts towards myself.
Tell me what planet your from......................................

BEK and Me....a Wonderful Day

Its 4 am Sunday morning.
I have left my sweet hearted connected friend asleep, at her dads home. (at about 2am)
I still cant sleep (I hate that)
I promised I would stay but I became to ill and had to come home.
I know she will forgive me and know I cherished every moment but left with a heavy heart of their never will be enough time when we live so far apart.
I have this feeling with a few of you whom I haven't met yet and long for the day I can embrace you physically with a huge hug and feeling of Love.
( you know who you are)
If you dont!!! I am not as good a friend to you as I thought, so I hope you know :)

I had an amazing day with an amazing friend whom I adore completely.
I met her babe M for the first time and her man N whom is just lovely but oh my gal.......

We understand each other with no words, just a smile, a look, a hug, a kiss and even just the squeeze of a hand transfers an unspoken understanding of unconditional love and friendship.
An understanding that even those closest to us cant really understand.
As I have said she brought me here and to YOU.

We laughed..............and............. (i cried, what a surprise) and we had a beautiful day of fun discussions and lunch (yay I ate lunch)

We swapped special gifts given with love from our Hearts.

We have a connection words cant explain, I believe we meet people in our lives that we were destined to meet or know.
Some stay a little, some a lot, some we learn from and some we teach, others are just passing through on their own destiny's path to fulfillment and they become a mere speck of recognition in our minds and us in theirs.

Then............. there a the special people whom we embrace with our whole Hearts and the support and love you share is as equally undeniable as reality itself.

Bek is one of these people, I get her, I understand her and I love her, she is my friend and I say with a pride that comes from deep in my soul.

She exudes positiveness togetherness and an amazing giving personality that any one who is cared for by her is truly blessed. I am Blessed

She came to me tonight and held me while I was vomiting, sat with me while I gathered my strength to walk back to the house and laughed with me as we were sat on the wet ground as a huge Kangaroo bounced past (scared the shit of me) and paused, staring at us, wondering what the hell these two wayward women were doing in his back yard (we were quite a site my friend and I, giggle)
My day and night were wonderful and I am still cherishing every moment.
There will be pictures soon. (hint!!! BEK send me the disc sweet)

Peace and Health xxxx

Friday, January 05, 2007

Happy Birthday My Baby Boy

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Kyle
Happy Birthday to you

How can you not love this Boy
He is Handsome
and a huge part of my Heart

And he loves his mummy so much we have a very special bond.
Kyle he is my only boy at 18 today hes a handful. With a smile that could melt any ice berg.
He is my crutch and my best friend.( Of course except for Benjamin)
He is my biggest defence against harm. He would fight with me and for me till the

He is handsome.
(And its not just me who thinks so)
He is 6ft tall Gorgeous brown eyes, brown hair and olive skin.

Here he is taking his sis tayla for a double. With his gal Nic looking on.

This is Him being the clown while I was snapping pics as we were waiting for stone to arrive when the 3 of us worked together doing Bitumen Driveways.
(shitty job I hate TAR)

But he always made me laugh and still does.

I cant get soppy, I have cried enough just know how much of my life is valued through the eyes of my babies.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Thursday Night NOW and THEN Friday................. AGAIN?

1 Injection Weekly;
7 Tablets a Day;
6 other medications to try and control side effects.

Blood tests every 3 weeks

The exact way in which it works is not fully understood. It is thought to have a wide range of biological effects. It may do one or more of the following:
slow down or stop cancer cells dividing reduce the ability of cancer cells to protect themselves from the immune system
strengthen the body’s immune system.

Possible side effects

People react to drugs in different ways, so it is not possible to predict who is going to have side effects or which they will have. The most common side effects are listed below:

Flu-like symptoms These include a high temperature, chills and severe muscle and joint pains.

Neck and back pain along with Migraines are frequent but manageable. (with more drugs)
They may start two to three hours after the drug is given, but may or may not last long.
Your doctor may prescribe medicine to reduce these side effects. After the first injection these symptoms may be quite severe, but they usually become much less of a problem with further injections.
Fatigue (a feeling of tiredness and having no energy)
Fatigue can be a problem and sometimes it worsens over the course of injections. It is important to allow yourself plenty of time to rest.
Feeling sick, vomiting, covulsions and loss of appetite
Skin irritation may occur at the injection site.(and does) This can be reduced by giving the injections in different places. Sometimes a more widespread rash can occur as a result of an allergic reaction.

Dizziness Depression and emotional changes are difficult to handle for most patients. If you feel very low while you are taking it, let your doctor know, as help is available. (more drugs)
Pins and needles in the hands and toes tremors and spasms.

Hair loss Occasionally hair may be lost. Hair loss is temporary and the hair will regrow once the treatment has finished.
Temporary reduction in the production of white blood cells by the bone marrow This reduces the number of cells in the blood and can make you more
vulnerable to infection, bleeding or bruising. It can also lead to anaemia (a lack of red blood cells). It is important to report any signs of bleeding, bruising or infection to your doctor. The bone marrow will return to normal when the treatment is stopped.
Shortness of breath and chest pain are also common.
Effects on circulation may alter the rhythm of the heart or affect your blood pressure, but this will go back to normal when the drugs are stopped.

Treatment is long and 35% of patients stop before finishing as it is difficult to follow through to the end because of the severity of side effects in most people.

Well I have had a few people ask about the side effects of my treatment this is a medical overview of what I go through. I actually have most, if not all of these effects (lucky ME)
I knew it was long,
I knew it was hard,
But..................... knowing and doing are two different things and I do get a little emotional tired and disheartened.
I do sometimes just want to stop.
But My Family and Friends make me want to continue out of LOVE.

Friday, jeez it comes round so quickly but I am here and I am ready. (Here We Go Again)

Take Care Friends. Peace and Health to all xxxxx

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

2007.......Friendships and Me

I have been Praying a lot lately.
I have truly been touched by so many of you gorgeous people.
No matter what you spiritual beliefs you have all Blessed me in 2006 and I am so looking forward to 2007
My faith hasn't really ever been a topic of discussion between my really old friends and me, it was something personal and I hate to admit but as a young adult I was embarrassed by it hence I kept it close. Until recently with my involvement in the church projects some of them didn't have a clue about my faith. I have had mixed reactions they knew me as a freaky kid who knew stuff and they used to Love when I could freak them out with things that know one else could do.
I wasn't raised in a religious home but I had visions from a very young age and they are as real to me as the coffee you drink first thing in the morning they have been a blessing and also a burden my whole life. It is known by most of my friends and family and is very real to those who I have touched by it.
I have no control over it and I either know or I don't.
Pregnancy's and labours are high on my burden list, as if i need to go through labour more than 4 times, but I have, morning sickness, well lets just say my sisters think its great that I take it from them, on the other hand it makes life hard for me sometimes as I don't always know if I am ill or someone close to me is.
I have visions with strangers and also with friends and family who are close to me. I see things like a movie sometimes and others I feel it and can describe the tiniest of details.
I find it hard to let go when I take on someones pain and emotions though I feel them as if they are my own.
The situations I have found myself in lately as you all know is Darlene and Mark and also poet the loss of her Dad has had a profound effect on me as I lost my Dad at 12 and that has been a huge loss with me always. She has had it tough this year as well and I am in awe of strength and how well she has coped and looked out for her momma she is such a sweetie. She is definitely in my prayers :)
My dad and I were extremely close and my mum woke me up at 5am this morning hysterical at not being able to wake my dad up, she sent me in to their room to make him get up, she said he'd wake up for me as he wouldn't leave me ever.
My Mum has never really recovered she lost herself also that day and our world and my childhood fell apart things rolled on from that moment it had a profound effect on my destiny's path. It has also allowed me to be here and now and I can deal with that.
My heart just goes out to my new found friends and I hope they know how much I care about their pain and loss, my words are never just an empty moment I mean what I say and wish I could express myself as eloquently as a lot of you do.
I have been in slow mo and unwell, sleeping most of my days away and also my nights. My new found friends are in my thoughts prayers and dreams I send you unconditional love and strength.
I have said this before but as this is a new year.
I want to thank you for all the support I have received over the last few months some of you have been very very dear to me emailing the most beautiful of words that has touched my heart so deeply. I have become friends with a lot of you and a bloggie momma to, and a soul sista with amazing individuals and I look forward to a long and rewarding year with all of you in it.
I have always been a very private person sometimes drowning in my own personal pain and insecurities this medium has allowed me to open up be honest and forge friendships I would never have found it truly is amazing.
I am still battling treatment I seem to be at war with my own body. I will have more bloods done in a week I am praying there stable. I am bruising really easily and I have lumps everywhere I didn't realise how many glands and lymph nodes we have in our bodies. I am fighting this with all that I am but I have to admit its taking its toll. I still believe all will be well but I am tired and it hurts. Ben has to suffer with me and I hate that, he is my foundation and my rock but it is taking its toll on him also. It has been about 7 weeks and I have until October this year it is such a long time but you are all helping me through and I feel all of your love Thankyou!!!!!!

You were all made all possible by Bek and I see my dear friend in 4 days I am so excited I can hardly wait.

Thank you for Sharing.
Thank you for caring.

My Heart is always open and so is my home, I mean this.
I am a woman of my word and honest is always who I am.

You Meet People who forget you
You forget people you meet
But sometimes you meet those people you cant forget
Those people are your Friends


Peace and Health xxx