Friday, February 29, 2008

Time to Purge...............................

I am not able to get on the computer as much as I would I like between 6 of us in the house it seems to be always being used by some one else. It’s quite annoying especially when I need to purge.Last night I had too…………I was talking to mum last night (adopted) and she happened to mention that the man who turned my world upside down when I was a kid was back in town.
I felt instantly ill, my heart started beating faster my breaths a little shallow and the shudder that hit my body nearly made me drop the phone it was like being hit by a an un-natural force that made me unsteady on my feet.
I am now 37 years old and happy, I have big shoulders and a forgiving heart. So why does just the mention of his name unhinge me so much? He can’t hurt me and I am at peace with my past. I live in the present and the future, full of love and faith and taking things in my stride. I am not easily shocked any more, nor am I scared of too much but the mere mention of him being in town turns my body cold.Apparently he is quite healthy and happy probably because he has no conscious and more than likely his needs are being met in all the selfish aspects of his life. As he sits at the bar laughing and joking while drinking his beer with a care free attitude, I wonder if he worries. I wonder if he even thinks about being exposed. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that leaves me with no appetite. My sleep again disrupted by the dreams that used to haunt me. The Un-controllable welling of tears in my eyes when I think about it makes me angry at myself for not having more self control.
I am stronger than this stronger than my memory of him and what has happened. I hate that he can still disrupt my life and I pray for forgiveness and peace for the thoughts of what I would do upon seeing him face to face again.
This has happened before, he has been in town before but not when I am going to be out there more often attending to mum and the house. I can’t hide my mood swing it’s obvious to everyone in the house that I am more then a little off balance. I hate that so much, my family shouldn’t bear the brunt of his wrong doing of over 20 years ago. I am aware of how I feel and I am trying not to be snappy as I don’t want to go into detail with them.
Ben is great he knows and says little, he holds me with no words spoken just a mutual understanding of where I am at.
Early in our relationship he was angry and vengeful but he is calmer now as violence and vengeance isn't a part of who I am. Too much time is wasted on being angry; too much energy is wasted from seeking vengeance. I am at what I thought was peace but obviously my emotions are still stirred on occasions like these.
I think it’s more of a shock thing, just a reminder that triggers a flood of memories. Last night my post may have been different but no computer so all my thoughts were spoken in my head and I am a little clearer today and not as unsettled as last night so I am okay I just don’t want to see him especially with Ben as I don’t think I could hide my reactions which in turn would make him vulnerable to being my knight in shinning armour.
So putting that aside these puppies are so damn cute I just cant stand it (giggle) that puppy smell is so beautiful, I liken it to that baby smell that we love so much the smell of innocence and vulnerability, there dependence on their mumma.
Ayesha is home today her poor little arms sore and bruised from the crutches, she is getting her plaster replaced today as it has lumpy bits sticking into her as well.
All the boys are working tonight so it’s just us girls home doing assignments lol what fun, I hate high school and I am not even the one there. Tayla wants to be physio therapist and she struggles a little with her work but she is determined to do well.
I am so proud of the effort she puts in, her work doesn’t come as easily to her but she is getting there. She has three more years including this one to put her head down and bum up and get into it, then it’s off to University.
Ayesha is only a year behind so we are busy. She is still a little undecided. Understandably at 13 she hasn't made a stead fast decision but she is such a good kid I know she will achieve what ever she puts her mind too.
Danicka is now working and studying getting her cert.3 as a dental nurse so she is on track and now its only kyle who of course is working but not knowing his long term goals. That's okay he will find his niche eventually.
I will try and get you all soon.

Peace and Health : Love and Light

Friday, February 22, 2008

All my News..........Dare to Dream

I am so Busy................................ I want to be here again at this picture I took at Myora springs last year, on the boat and enjoying the sea breezes and Ben's mum and dads company. So much is going on I am excited worried stressed and over whelmed at all that is happening.
I have so much going on life is great, being well is so awesome I am nearly back to normal.
If I ever was giggle I am spring cleaning and getting more organised in my life.
Today was awful though I feel so bad about what has happened with my youngest babe.
2 weeks ago she fell over at school she had some big bruises a few scrapes and she had a sore foot.
The bruises faded and the scrapes healed but her foot was still sore Ish did a bit of complaining but I figured it would get better she may have twisted it quite badly.
To cut a long story short I finally had it checked out and it seems my poor baby has to fractures in her foot and she is now in a half cast and on crutches i cant believe how long I waited to take her to the doctor i feel so awful. I feel as though I have been so neglectful and that is not like me. We told her to put concrete on her cereal and harden up. How bad is that, so much for my sooky babe I know I will listen a lot more in future and not think she is just whingeing.
I went out to seem my mumma and she is in a lot of pain with her back and the ideas we had for the house and her have changed. She was so sad and very worried about all the plans we had and I couldn't stand to see her so sad and no she was hiding it so well trusting me completely with what I thought was best even though she didn't really want to leave.
So.......... I am still buying the house and I am still going to renovate it but I am not going to sell it. I am keeping my mum in her home. Its a huge under taking and its going to be hard financially as I will be paying off the house and receiving no rent from her and I don't even have my own house again yet but it is a good investment long term.
I just want her to be safe and happy and have some money in the bank to enjoy herself a little she has struggled financially and I bought her two new Bras the other day her first new ones since the last ones I bought 4 years ago and she was just so happy.
It hurts me to see her struggle she has no hot water and the stairs are about to fall off the old place, so I will make it safe and beautiful again she deserves more than she has and I have to do this. The property will rise in value and my mum gets to live out her days with money a nice newly renovated house that she loves stress free.
My dad died in that house and I just cant help but know she wants to die there as well. I am not trying to be morbid but staying there will make her happy.
I went to stay with my Neacey as well, my god daughter came to stay and her beautiful babies.
It was great to spend some time with them all as I miss them a lot.
She is a wonderful friend to me and has been for about 25 years so my news is some where in here and I hope you approve of what we are thinking about. PHeww it is a big one so brace
As you know I had cancer when I was 25 and had a hysterectomy hence no more babies. Ben has no children and loves our family unconditionally, he is the dad in my kids life and he loves them dearly and they love him just as much in return.
I have always wanted more kids I would of had at least 6 if I hadn't of gotten sick.
Ben would really love a baby of his own and that's the one thing I cant give him. In saying that I still have my ovaries and there for have eggs just not the oven to cook them so to speak SOoooooooooo my beautiful girlfriend has offered to be a surrogate mumma for us.
Now we are seriously considering this and we are both very excited about the prospects of having our own baby, to say it would complete our already loving family is an understatement. Now I don't want to get too excited because there are so many factors involved in all of this and it may not happen but we are going to pursue the idea very seriously. I cant take the smile off my face and the feeling of love for something that may never be is still amazing.
When my test results come back clear (POSITIVE THINKING GUYS) it is going to be a mission with doctors and what not to see how feasible this whole thing is. Neacey has to be healthy and I have to be healthy and it all has to be worked out.
At the moment its a dream, one that we don't take lightly and we discussed the prospect of it not happening and decided that we will be over joyed if it does but content with what we have if it doesn't. I am just so elated at the thought of being a mum again and the kids are really excited as well. I thought that was all over for me and it used to really break my heart as its what I love, it was my chosen career so to speak ;) and I am not getting any younger.
My two eldest kids gave me and Ben the biggest compliment anyone could ever hope for in telling me that any kid would be very lucky to have us as parents and that made me cry. SOooooooooooo there it is.............. number 5 may just well become a reality.
I hope I am not jinxing myself with all of this but I cant help but DARE TO DREAM
I think that's it and I am sure that's enough for now lol so I will leave you to ponder all of that and I will be back to tell you about my beautiful Puppies soon.
Peace and Health XXXX

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Going away

I will have to leave my news for now as I am going away for a couple of days to see my mum (not my birth mum) I am going to buy her house and set her up in some where more suitable, low set ect. She is 70 this year and I want her closer to me but she has lived in Lowood for over 30 years and she is comfortable there but we will see.
The house is old and broken down and she cannot afford to fix it so I am doing my best to make things easier for her.
I will tell all in a few days.

Peace and Health To All xxx

Saturday, February 16, 2008


BEFORE and After

My Girl is a champion she has had 10 puppies this is a crazy amount for such a little girl. She is tired and I had to help the last one out,well I hope the last one.

I always wanted to be a midwife lol.

The pics I took were at 6 I didnt think she would have more I am so excited and relieved she is okay but I think some sleepless nights for this granny are ahead of me.

Peace and Health

And cheers to Life xxx

Thursday, February 14, 2008


Hi guys I have been so busy the last 2 weeks Ammi has been up with the kids and Ky is home and starts work with Ben Friday night so we are all just trying to fit in, its a full house again.
I went to Brisbane two days in a row to see a prophet Ruckins McKinley from the states who is doing great work and I will talk more about that later.
I wont leave you hanging, my second set of results are CLEAR woo hoo 1 to go and that will be in May (its nearly over Phewwwww)I am not dwelling on the final results as I am feeling really confident at the moment and do not feel the need to dwell on it as so much more is going on.

My baby girl Bella is due to have her puppies today she is huge and she has really slowed down we can feel the puppies moving around anticipating their arrival into our family. I personally think she may go another few days but it would be so nice if they came tonight.
Today is Valentines Day..................It’s a significant day for couples, partners and lovers.That is all cute and mushy but today is more than that to me it’s my Dads birthday.

Birthdays were easy to remember in my house, Dad's being today Mums is St Patricks Day and my Nanas were the 4th of July so I had it good.It was devastating loosing my dad at the young age of 12 and it turned my world upside down, every year gets a little easier but you never forget. I always try to reflect on the good times and on his birthday a little more than usual.
At the moment I have little time to post or to read for that matter but I am trying to get organised as I have missed being in touch.
I have lots to tell and will get back on here tomorrow night when the house is a little quieter and the boys go to work.

Peace and Health To All

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Specialist Day

Okay tomorrow's specialist appointment is less then 17 hours away at this point and I am positive that this check will be fine.
Its the april one that has me a little peturbed but I remain optimistic.
Its hard to plan at the moment I wish I could just say its fine and move forward towards the goals I have for this year but its the practical side of me that keeps me from moving forward too quickly.
I am keen to have all this behind me so I dont have to consider all the options before I start a new project. Its hard but nothing compared to treatment so I am blessed by the small things.
I will let you know how I go either way.
Thankyou for all your support xxxx

Your Prayers Appreciated

EDIT: Phone call from specialist 9am this morning. MY TEST RESULTS are not back I have to wait another week, not happy.

Thanks for your kind prayers xxx

Monday, February 04, 2008

Tired and Restricted

Well I have been up for nearly 24hours I am not sleeping I am off everything that includes sleeping tablets and well lets say I am struggling with insomnia. I have always had a few problems with sleeping but had it under control before treatment since then it’s hard and it’s driving me crazy I can see why they use sleep deprivation for torture. I am not actually tired my body is but it’s not exhausted so it’s still working (reluctantly I must admit) but seriously I am not even yawning. Whets the go with that? Now I know I should be using this time productively I could clean and tidy, rearrange the house mow the lawn put my time to good use. THAT would be too easy instead I walk around feeling lost looking at all the things I could be doing and then all the things I should be doing but instead I just look and contemplate and do nothing. I know I should I know I could but BLaHHHH I am not.
So any way now that I have that off my chest I want to talk to the girls about my chest lol you’ll all know what I am talking about here?
Since Simon moved in with us my routine has changed I can’t be as free as I usually am. I am restricted in more ways then one.
I can’t say catches catch can;
Translation: Mums not cooking help your self open a can of what ever I am having the night off.
Now there a few reasons I can’t do that 1 he's paying for food and I do the shopping and the cooking. He doesn’t know my kitchen and I would hate for him to feel as though he couldn’t cook something for himself in case I was going to use it for something else and I would hate for him to have to go buy take away when has already chipping in for food.
I can’t walk around naked for obvious reasons ;)
But the killer for me is MY BRA I can not and will not do as I usually do and just reef that restrictive thang off and throw across the room when I walk in the door as I usually do.
Now would that be different If my boobs were as they were pre babies and breast feeding when I could wear strapless dresses and they were right where they always were?
If they didn’t say hello to my belly button every time I unclip and fling.
Maybe my kids would have benefited just as much from formula as they did breast feeding for 6 years between them.
Well all maybes but that doesn’t help me now………My bra is my friend it keeps me balanced and proportioned. It keeps them from blackening my eyes it keeps them from looking south on a permanent basis.
It is a good thing………….Why would a woman burn her bra?
Don’t get me wrong I love taken it off I love what it does I love the reason why it was invented it has its purpose, my problem is when my pups want out they damn well want out but NUP not with another man in the house, it just soooooo can not happen, will not happen, scary if that happened.
I know I am kind of safe up until about lunch time then I HAVE to find it and use it.
He works nights like Ben and sleeps till lunch so when that time comes I jump. What the hell would I do if he walked now? Shit my self and freak out run up stairs like a chook with his head cut off. But at the moment I am chilled I know he went to sleep about 5am so I do have a little time but I am still anxious. Sad isnt it I have so much I could be doing, many things I should be doing but I am writing about my BRA and my damn Boobs.
That’s it I have officially lost it I am going.

Friday, February 01, 2008

I made it...........................

Its February 2008 and as I said in my last post I read back on previous posts and I was shocked at what I read.
The post below was nearly a year ago and I just cant believe the difference from then to now those times I didnt think I would make it are far behind me.
I may be gushing a little, OKAY a lot but hey I can actually say I am proud of myself and that is an achievement in itself (trust me)
This is how I started February in 2007
I have edited this and changed the post that I put up and decided to put one up that was a little scary at the time so instead of february its from January the 13th.
Wandering a maze through stormy weather; January 13th 2007

I wanted to say something inspiring and earth shattering but of course.I draw nothing but darkness.My mind is like a storm, with dark clouds blowing around, not knowing in what direction they will finally stop to rest.Its the unknown in my head that is giving me this unwanted arousal of emotions.I cant decipher through the gusts of confusion that keep blustering up, just when things are starting to become more calm.I used to be able to sit with pen paper and a glass of red in a dimly lit corner of the room. Or I would go out the backyard and express exactly what my head was saying to my Heart or visa versa, it was controlled and unmistakable, right and wrong black and white, it was a reasonably easy task. It was very private, but also very comforting.My war was over for the the best part of that moment and my paper would be burnt.Ashes blown into the wind to fly away along with all my pain fears and ever growing feelings of unworthiness. I would be again at Peace.Now.......... its the Greys, the ifs, the buts and the maybes that plague my brain and then, there begins the war with in myself.I know its the drugs!!!! my Doctor tells me its the drugs.The literature tells me its the drugs.I tell me its the drugs.BUT......... the drugs tell me its me its all my fault, I should be braver, I should be Happier, I should be coping better, I shouldn't need all these pain meds I should be tougher than this.Then I am head,my heart,my reality and the drug induced agitated state of myself both physically and emotionally gets way to much for me to bear.Its even harder to convey my feelings as I get tongue tied and lost for words that have any true meaning.If I cant live with me at the moment, if I cant stand me at the moment, what the hell does everyone else have to put up with.What am I actually doing to those around me? am I sending them mad as well or is that just in my head.Do I abandon all hope of trying to recognise reality or do I fight on head first into battle with myself not even knowing if there was any real argument in the first place.Its a scary uncontrolled test environment.I feel like a rat in a cage trying to find my way through the maze towards the final prize, the light at the end of the tunnel.
A cure.
I changed this because I started going back and seeing who I knew back then and Walker being my first comment today I decided to find the first day he came to me. What a blessing you all have been to me you helped me move forward on a daily basis when I didnt think I could face another day but you all helped me do it and I thankyou so deeply for that.
Next week is second test results to say I am CURED, I am confident in my heart but my head still plays with me a little so I will remeber your prayes, your friendships and go to my specialist just as part of routine knowing the results before he speaks them.
Peace and Light my Friends xxx