Thursday, March 29, 2007

Laughter........Gota love it.

Laughter where would we be without it.

Immune Response
Studies show stress decreases the immune system. “Some studies have shown that humor may raise infection-fighting antibodies in the body and boost the levels of immune cells.” Web MD 2006“When we laugh, natural killer cells which destroy tumors and viruses increase, along with Gamma-interferon (a disease-fighting protein), T-cells (important for our immune system) and B-cells (which make disease-fighting antibodies). As well as lowering blood pressure, laughter increases oxygen in the blood, which also encourages healing.”

I am trying a few things these days to reach my goal of a Healthy me.
I am trying to eat well light exercise and staying positive, reducing my stress and keeping well rested and as calm as possible.
I used to love the gym and I would get up at 5am just to go for a run before the kids got up and that was always a great start to my day, then an hour in the gym each afternoon to top it all off. That was a long time ago.
(It was a stroke an operation 30kgs and before the start of treatment ago)

Its been a tough couple of years but the one thing that is a constant in my life is Laughter.
It has gotten me through embarrassing times sad times angry times and also times of despair when laughing is all you have or you would simply cry.
My Laugh has been talked about a lot for many reasons. Some talk about the sound I make (Mmmm) it has to be heard to be understood, enough on that seriously you don't want to hear it.
Some think I laugh at highly inappropriate things Weddings Funerals accidents and the like (I am not alone I am sure) others remember the fact that I have lost all bladder control in places where there is no hiding it.
Others call it a blessing, a gift, an ability to find the smallest of things in any situation to make you smile and lighten the load and that is something I am grateful for.

Laughter is the best Medicine
There are theories that it can help your Heart, that it can heal depression and also boost your immune.
I know I always feel better after watching a comedy. I feel better when I see someone else happy and smiling. Phone calls from friends who make me laugh are just what I need to pick me up when I am feeling low. I know that even when I push myself to pretend I am happy to hide how I feel. I somehow come away feeling better than if I was to wallow alone, even if it was an effort in the beginning. In times of grief I find it easier to think about the funny things of that person rather than dwell on the fact there not around. It isn't easy and its not my initial reaction but I do try to make the effort for me and for those around me.

I remember a couple of times when my nervous laugh has taken over my body and I have had no control at all. My wedding day to my first husband YEP what a wanker, how stupid did I feel.
We were married at the court house with his mum and dad and my uncle as witnesses and when it came to me saying my vows I choked I was so nervous that when he looked at me and smiled that was it I lost it I laughed and shook so hard tears streamed down my face, the more I tried to stop the worse I become, snorting wheezing and shaking like an ever ready bunny on 240 volts. It was extremely inappropriate and I cant recall how I eventually stopped but I don't think he ever forgave me for that. I didn't think it was funny and I didn't want o make a joke of it but when I get nervous that's it I get a weird giggle up snorting kind a thing with a tick. Its not a good look and I have tried on several occasions to gain composure to no avail in most instances.
Another time was even worse it wasn't the last either, when would be the worst possible time to have a problem controlling an out break of laughter?

You guessed it a Funeral. You think I'm kidding don't you, who laughs at a funeral someone who's cold and callous with no real respect???
NO.......... me, little ole me. It was terrible really I can't begin to explain how awful it really was. To give you some History I have always had an affiliation with soldiers, Veterans and wars. So the
Last Post for me has always been my down fall I am very sensitive to this song, War movies, and deaths of servicemen.
My grandfather (my Mums dad) died on the HMAS Sydney Australia's worst maritime disaster in history.
SOooooo picture this, a funeral of over 100 people of my ex-husbands family. It was for Jack Madden a decorated war hero I had never met him but I was there as a representative, as my husband was working away on Thursday Island. I was supposed to be sitting with his Dad and then we were to go home, short and sweet as I have never liked funerals for obvious reasons I also have been to way too many before my time.

Just like anybody else but with a twist.
My nerves(if that's not enough) together with the the fact that I was pregnant and emotional, he was a soldier, he was in his nineties and they had his medals and a flag draped over his coffin.
For Fucks Sake could it get any worse than that.
I was the youngest person there by about 30 years and I felt really out of place.
Then my father in law was asked to leave me and sit at the front to be a pall bearer so I was left alone. I was fine through the eulogy and the speeches the friends and family that mourned someone they loved dearly. I was fine and feeling rather proud of myself. I thought it was over and I had survived. I thought I could tell Glenn that I did it no mishaps no problems, until they played that song...............Of course they did, He was an Aussie veteran they couldn't not play it.
Just when I thought it was safe......................

It started and so did the sweat on my lip my hands were clammy and my teeth are clenched. My leg starts twitching and I am rocking the pew in front of me.
Oh my god NO NO not the Last Post please god help me contain my composure.
I have covered my mouth as my body starts to wriggle and I feel this overwhelming sense of heartbreak and fear the more nervous I got at the thought of making a dickhead out of myself the more it was inevitable, the tears flowed and the snorting began I couldn't leave.
I just had to sit there while everyone stared wondering why this young girl whom they had never met was so emotional and balling her eyes out A hand from behind rests on my shoulder squeezing ever so gently as support for my grief. They thought I was in great despair in actual fact I was in fits of laughter and the tears were through sheer embarrassment. I didn't call this great medicine back then, I called it one of the most embarrassing things that happened to me.
It still haunts me and it still happens, but the good times certainly out weigh those particular incidences and I am so grateful for being able to laugh at it now and its always a quick dig at me also from those who know. I am the joke when it comes to my laughing but its usually contagious and that's always fun.
I am grateful when I make you laugh, whether its with me or at me either way laughing is a good thing.
I love when I laugh with you and I do appreciate each day that has laughter in it it is such a blessing and adds sweetness to my soul.

Thanks for the Laughs Friends as I do need them and appreciate them at the moment. It is laughter that keeps me going each day.

Tomorrow is Friday, wow it seems to have come around so quickly this week.
Probably because I haven't really recovered from last weeks injection I have had a rough week.
Cluster migraines and vomiting and a fair amount of pain. I am off to my monthly specialist appointment next week so we will check my bloods have a chat and see what we can do. It is basically though a time thing and it has side effects so I have to deal with each day symptomatically and cope.

I am up for it though and I am smiling and I am sure there will be a few giggles over the weekend. I hope your weekend and days are full of Laughter and Happiness.

When have you laughed when you really shouldn't and did you cover it or own it???????

I do believe Laughter is the best Medicine.

Peace and Health to All xxxxx

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Just Me..................

Thank you guys for your all your love and support it means the world to me.

I am not like most writers, I don't write my words as a draft I don't have things up my sleeve that I work on and then rewrite or fix up before I publish. I just write whats in my head and then push that little button "publish".
I am sure if I put more thought into it I could make it better but its not about being or having a great post for me its me just getting stuff out. I would love to purposely entertain and write posts worthy of being printed out like I do with some. I read peoples posts that I envy all the time. Posts that touch me deeply, whether they are wise, beautiful or just borne by a particular situation they are posts worth remembering. My posts are personal and I share as I said to release and I think also to tell my kids a little more (one day)
They have stopped reading for a while. I have control over their access and I am not ready for them to hear or know some of details behind my past. They know bad things have happened but because they are of varying ages so is there level of knowledge. I am very aware of what they know and don't, as I will not let fears of my past consume their young minds. They should be thinking and dealing of their own personal challenges. I know as a child I was brutally aware of my mum's horrific past and I also think this contributed to an over protection of her even to my own detriment. I still however think I can release this with out a detailed description. I don't feel that's required for me to achieve my goal.
My weekend was great, I was sick but held it together with extra meds.
I love spending time with Ben's family it is the epitome of love and acceptance when we are together.
The Chinese food as always was to die for and we polished it off with no problem at all.
We went to their church on Sunday and had a lovely morning. We had some great worship and listened to a very spiritual profit who was spot on with her word.
She prayed for my health and healing and had never met me.
She is a truly gifted woman and I feel very blessed for meeting her.
Well that's all for me today as I have said I have been a little unwell so if I don't get to you all I will be around and will always catch up when I visit.
Peace and Health to All xxx

Friday, March 23, 2007


I woke this morning with a headache and in pain, my body aches as I summon the energy to get myself out of bed. Its Friday, I hate feeling unwell Fridays its more of a mind over matter thing now as it takes a few days before I feel any major affects from my injection, if any worse at all.
I am grateful for the way I feel lately though it is in no way as bad as the first few months.
We are going down to the gold coast on Saturday for the night as its Ben's mums Birthday.
We are going to our favorite Chinese restaurant as we do every year and stuff ourselves stupid with amazing food prepared just perfectly. It’s always an event were we all get together, laugh and celebrate our love for Kym. I have said before how much she means to me and I always enjoy our visits. She is the perfect mother in-law, if there is such a thing and I am blessed to know her.

On a different note in reference to why I would share my last post.

This blog is a release for me and I often forget when I am writing that other people read what I write and sometimes I am acutely aware. It has its advantages and disadvantages. I want to be able to say whats on my mind when its there, write and release it. I don't write as others do through creativity. I am not a passionate poet nor artist, all though I do enjoy both.
I haven't the eloquence nor the vocabulary or the imagination of a learned writer.
I write to release, to heal, to motivate myself accept and put to bed some of my inner demons.
I am honest and sometimes a little blunt. I do however feel that by sharing as we do someone somewhere may not have to feel as alone as they might have before reading others tales.

And its that shit that reminds me of who I want to be and the kind of person that I don't.
I live by the rule treat others the way you yourself would like to be treated.
It may be a cliche but its not a bad rule, if more people followed this rule there would be a much happier world I'm sure.
It is who I am it is my past, my present and my future.
I write to remind my self of what I have achieved and what I have overcome.
I also look at what can make me a better person. For all my dreams and desires of being a certain way. I do have flaws like everyone else but its examining these floors and trying to rectify them that makes you a better person.
I don't write for pity nor for acceptance.
I do write however for me and to record a piece of me that I cant aways express verbally.
I apologize to anyone dear to me who finds out here some of my inner thoughts and memories that I haven't been able to express vocally. It is easier for me this way and I figure what you don't know cant hurt you and the past is the past. Knowing wouldn't have changed a thing, not after the fact anyway. Wink

In saying that I am grateful for the support I receive here and I love the sharing of thoughts and kindness. I appreciate the diversity of every-ones lives and thoughts and I cant believe how everyone takes the time to comment and make these things far more tolerable.
It makes me feel special and I do feel from each and everyone of you.
I don't want to feel as though I shouldn't share a particular thing because its to hard for someone else to accept.
I can only ever be honest. I have carried secrets and covered up by lies way too much. I have always tried to spare others pain even to my own detriment.
But that my friends is who I am and I cant apologize for who I am.
So I will continue to tell my stories of my past and my day to day life.

To Those of you who are here for ride.

Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Rambling memory of my child hood strength

I am relieved, I know you all said I would be fine and I do thank you for empowering me and giving me the strength to get through it. (no matter how ridiculous)
Your encouragement is invaluable to me and I had pictured a few of you standing behind me talking me through in spirit and I thank you for that.
It still seems a little strange to me that such a little thing like hair could unravel me.
I have endured much greater obstacles and survived and flourished in difficult times.
I even have the scars to prove it, big scars, tough scars. LOL
I do like my scars, even the ugly ones and yet HAIR which will grow back sends me into freak out mode.
Now that my hairs gone I feel more relaxed and I am ready for anything even loosing the lot, its really strange but I feel comforted by taking that first step.
I feel stronger and more secure with what I have endured in my life. I have sort of taken a few huge steps these few months. It has been said I have lived the life of many in my 36 years and I suppose if you work story by story, year by year I have endured a couple of hurdles(wink)
I wouldn't change a thing.
If it doesn't kill you its make you stronger.
I am who I am and I like who I have become. I don't use my past as an excuse to hurt other people nor do I use it as an excuse for bad behaviour. Some people do and they shit me. I have no time for that at all. I am not unsympathetic. All though, I am intolerant to assholes who a difficult childhood of any kind to commit despicable acts on an other living things or commit crimes because there life was so difficult.
I am sorry but I would never intentionally hurt any body because of what I have been through. Its not an excuse that washes with me.
I do have some wicked scars and some of them are real talking pieces, some I don't talk about much at all and some well, I am just beginning to be able to express the story behind them without fear of defining myself by them.
One in particular, on my left upper chest, originally it started a couple of inches from my nipple and went across my chest on an angle up and over my shoulder. Now it is only a few inches long and about an inch wide it is still seen in a low cut shirt but has faded considerably over the years and it has taken a long time for me to share this story openly.
It was pelting with rain the drought had broken and our tiny town had gutters overflowing into the streets and the local river and swimming hole was pumping. We used to take our truck tubes down and ride the small rapids each weekend but we weren't allowed near the river when it was running like this. It was dangerous, fallen trees and branches and god knows what travelling with the flow of water beneath the surface. It was something we didn't have to be told we just always knew no swimming after or during storms.
This was after my dad had died and my mum was a fully blown alcoholic living with grief and denial of what was going on around her. She was dating another man if you can call it that, he turned out to be the one and only man she dated and she has been alone now for the last 18 years or so because of it.(he left when the money ran out)
He was an awful man to say the very least (I am keeping it clean) He spent my mums money and kept her drunk and in the dark without any recollection of many of her days at that time. He hated my interference in their relationship and couldn't resist overpowering me in as many ways possible (I need not expand). He had wanted me out of the picture and told me so on several occasions. I spent many a night awake and wondering what was going to happen next. Anyway I am digressing. I had decided that with mum at the pub and the amount of rain that had fallen I was going to go and have some fun I hated Saturdays because Saturday nights were the worst. Mum would pass out and I would have to deal with the consequences, why stick around for that? Why? when there was adventure to be had, an escape, if only for a little while.
I set off on my bike toward the river I was rebellious and didn't care if I got caught. My mums friends son who was 2 years older than me came as well.
Coincidence? Planning? Accident? Who knows......
On that day I didn't make it to the river and I didn't actually see how fast the water was running and I am sure I missed out on some wild rapids because it had been raining for days.
Just as I turned the corner with the bridge in sight, I was hit from behind by a speeding car.
I was thrown over the top of the car and rolled off the roof on to a steel guide rail. I had broken at least 10 ribs busted my bottom lip (another scar) Cut open my chest and breast, split my head and had cuts and bruises all over my body.
The car didn't stop. I did see it speed away and I had seen the car before. I tried to catch my breath as I lifted my self off the corner of the steel rail that had pierced through my chest.
I collapsed by the side of the road. I remember being covered in blood and not being able to breath it took a little while for me gain composure.
My friend freaked out and started to cry he knew as well as I did. I just picked up my my bike, told him to go home and not say anything or he would get into trouble as well. I pushed my bike home with his jacket around me to hide the blood running down my chest. I sat under my house in the corner of the laundry trying to clean myself up before my little brother found me or worse my mum and her drinking friends. My memory of that day is vivid the look on my mums face when she finally came home unforgettable.
Her words how ever are not, she organised for her drunken friends border to take me to hospital, she was drunk panicked and totally out of control.
I told her what happened and she said I must of been mistaken.
Mistaken?, sorry but I was not mistaken. I will spare you the guilt though and try to be your mother and take care of you right now because this is way to much for you to absorb I haven't endured all of this time to make you feel bad now. You will be okay again when you get over loosing dad you will love us again and take care of us like you use to, wont you?
The doctor believed I fell off the rope at the river and hit a rocky ledge on my way down and that's the story that worked for my mum also. It didn't work for me but I had no choice, It didn't work for my Nana or my uncle and I was shifted down to recuperate with them. They couldn't prove anything that I denied. (I was protecting my mum or so I thought)
So I have a great scar and a not so great story to match, although the only version I usually share is that I was hit by a car when I was young and that's shocking enough.
But when the truth is revealed and the secret shared my load gets a little lighter and my pain a little less. I am a survivor of a twisted mans torment and I am a survivor of cancer I survived a stroke with little side effects.... side effects.. huh ffects. (just kidding)
I know who was driving. I know the intent behind my accident and I am still here.
I am here with short hair.........Go figure
I can say quite confidently now, its only "HAIR"
Well there you go don't ask me why I just blurted because you know I just do sometimes but I feel better for it so I suppose that's the main thing.
Just in case you have ?????'s He was never charged nor was he ever reported nor do I want to I am past that now I have forgiven what has happened to me and I have forgiven my mum. We don't talk about it and that's okay, I have forgiven her as well. Most of all I have forgiven myself.
Peace and Health my Friends xx

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Its only Hair

The first cut, I cant show my face I am crying
I know SOOK

My hair is slowly falling to the floor along with it my fear

Its done quick HEY??

So here I am first stage is over. I am okay the tears have gone and I am dealing with it all rather well I reckon.

I don't like it but it is done and now it will go shorter but that was enough for one day.

Ashley was awesome and made me feel at ease she was as scared as I was. But there you go done. After its all said and done, I can now say, bring it on!!!!!

Its only hair

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Its only Hair...

What does this picture have you envision??????

To me, It evokes fear, sadness and an inability to embrace change.

I still do not understand my problem with cutting my hair. I have a problem with my girls cutting their hair also, so I do agree I have a problem.

Putting that weirdness aside, I am facing a fear of mine tomorrow at 1pm.

Today I made an appointment for the hairdresser. I was originally going to just do it just cut it all off and be done with it. Since then the tears have flowed and the anxiety has risen. I feel sick in the pit of my stomach and my chest hurts. I have since thought I might do it in two stages as I am not dealing well with the thought of having short hair. I feel really bad about it. I feel weird, disgusted and ashamed. I have talked about this before but now its time to take control. Bite the bullet as it were.

I think its ridiculous that I feel this way. I am such a sook and honestly I am not after sympathy. I just feel more comfortable expressing myself through here. Ben obviously sees the tears and that's okay but I try not to carry on to much as its hard to talk about. I am nervous and the anticipation is making me sick. Its unnatural to me to have short hair I haven't had it since I was a little kid and I have never been this size either so this is just a huge emotional battle. I don't remember ever feeling this bad about myself, ever. I feel so ungrateful. I feel as though I should just shut the hell up and realize how lucky I am. I do, I really do its just hard.

This whole process is really testing the boundaries of who I am. It is testing me mentally, physically and emotionally. I am still smiling I still laugh, I am not totally just feeling sorry for myself but this is hard. Cutting my hair tomorrow is going to be the biggest test of all for me. That statement alone makes me feel ridiculous and I am embarrassed but I always said I would be honest and I am. I sugar coat my realities sometimes. I always say I'm okay. I do present myself as if I can handle anything and I can, really I can. I just have to admit this is really difficult.

I want to say its only hair, its only hair and mean it.

Wish me luck friends and I will post photos after its done. I think !!!!

Peace and Health To You All xxxx

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The Party

Tayla-Rose, Mmmm her party was a smash hit it was long, it was fun it was scary the kids had a ball the boys and girls giggled and played the doughnut game, they bobbed for apples and they had a huge bonfire where they played truth and dare (that was the scary bit, wink) I was awake until 3am and then Amii got up and took a shift. They didn't get much sleep and neither did we hence not so many details maybe more later as I am shattered aand need to sleep.
But a little birdie whispered that there may have been a first little kiss between the birthday girl and the hottest boy in school (who is also very sweet)

WHO remembers there first kiss??????????

Anyway as I said a long but a well behaved party when you consider the possibilities wink

Tayla McPiggy in the doughnut game
Apple bobbing in icey water
The hottest boy in school (well mannered young boy with a huge smile)
My Birthday girl was a star
The crew
Singing Happy Birthday
A Great Bunch of kids

St Patricks Day...........and


This is my mum she picked me up from the Hospital when I was 10 days old.
Today is her birthday.......... Saint Patricks.
My Dads Birthday was.........Valentines day
My Nana was 4th July........... How simple they were to remember (Lucky)

I haven't spoken a lot about my mum. I love her but we have had our ups and downs.
I have come to terms with our past relationship and cherish the one I have with her now.
I will talk about her soon but I really need clarity for that one.

But............................ HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUM...........................I LOVE YOU ! ! !

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Amii and her 2 babes arrived last night Martin 5 and Saraya 2 They are great kids and Amii is a treasure and I love her dearly. She has been a god send. She has walked in taken over organised the house and allowed me to rest it is wonderful. The last few days I haven't been real well but today was pretty good. We gave the girls off day off school and went to under water world it was great the kids had a ball and I had a pretty good day considering my week.
Martin thought the dinosaur was a little scary he wasn't sure if it would bite!!!!

Ayesha and Ben

Tayla and I my birthday girl
Me with a big grey nurse shark behind me I am a little pale a little tired but enjoying the morning with family. Staying steady on my feet as dizziness and confusion are not fun when your in public. But today was not to bad.
Saraya is such a sweetie
Ra and La
Ben's Sister Amii She is such a doll. We were trying to check out the cleaners on the inside of the shark tank (what a job)
Love to you all I will try and catch up soon.

Peace and Health to All xxxx

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


Tayla Rose my number 3 turns 14 today.
Happy Birthday Baby Girl I love You (sorry I am not well)

Monday, March 12, 2007

Birthday girl and my weekend!!!!!!!!!

Firstly ..........................HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RA RA
This is my niece Kiara and its her birthday today she is cute and her auntie loves her SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH
SECONDLY: My Weekend!!!!!!!!!!

My two friends Tania on the Left and Lyndell on the right(in the picture below)
These two lovelies came to visit me Saturday and and they spent the night.
They were just what I needed to feel normal again (if only for the weekend)
I have known both of them for over 20 years but have only recently gotten back into the swing of things with Tania, as Travel and living abroad was her thing for ages. She is now home and so we can catch up more regularly which really is kool. These two girls are like heckle and Jekyll, they are both hilarious and so its a non stop comedy act that leaves me with splitting sides and aching cheeks. Lyndell is our common denominator but Tania and I have a great friendship in our own right. Shes a poet a gymnast a grogaholic a handstand champion (even if she cant walk for 2 days after) I do love her heaps she is an all round champion in my eyes. I cant get soppy about either of them as I am the toughie in the group (giggle)

This blog is the only thing that drops my facade so SHhhhhhhh

We went to the imperial for dinner and had a lovely meal a few drinks and continued catching up with whats going on. Not to Mention the gossip that I miss out on now that I live up here Mmmm and there was a doozzie but my lips are sealed needless to say Girls I TOLD YOU SO!!
Lyndell and I have been great mates for years and since my moving back to Brisbane from Cairns we are closer than ever. I can always count on her and the same is true for me. She is the friend whom my girls adore and they spend a lot of time with her. She was my best friend in high school. I was palmed off on to her after the girl whom I was paired off with decided or thought, I was a little more her style....... Apparently she was right and I am so grateful things have worked out this way.

This is Lyndell with my friendly resident lizard the one that visits daily for a feed and also scares the shit out of me when it came inside. He came and ate ham for breakfast. Lyndell is trying not to act scared. Tania was in the background the very back back ground LOL.

I love these girls and we had such a great time and I cant wait till they come again.

Peace and Health to All xxxx

Friday, March 09, 2007

Rambles from a twisted mind

Its Friday again: Yes my friends you know how I love these.
I was at the specialist yesterday and my white cell count has dropped again, it is now really quite low and it is showing. I am a lot slower, more tired and have Staphylococcal Infections popping up on my body. It is annoying and painful but hey only 32 weeks to go!
It could be much worse. (I will continue to say that, smile)

The big thing for now is Balance.
I find the smallest of things upsetting, I question my validity in my relationship, I find it difficult to articulate what I feel and second-guess the legitimacy of any complaints I may have. The drugs really mess with my head.
I have had emotional struggles in the past but I have dealt with these silently and well. (Eventually)
Drugs (through treatment) have put me in a very vulnerable position emotionally and mentally. I find this the hardest to bear out of all my side affects; it puts a huge strain on everything. I am confused and guilt ridden by my massive mood swings and agitated state of mind.
I am very good at putting on a front for acquaintances and people over the phone (respectfully).
My family and relationship are struggling beneath my wavier of hesitation and indecisive behavior.
I am angry all the time (when I have the energy)
I cry at the drop of a hat and I want to pull out my already thinning hair through sheer frustration over what???
Nothing? Something? I don’t understand the problem, I just don’t fuken know anything and it sucks big time.
I am strong, I am outwardly confident; I am capable in the eyes of all who meet me.
The inside on the other hand, the part hidden away that doesn’t dare show her fear has almost reverted back into a confused and emotionally damaging state of mind that I haven’t dealt with for a very long, long time..
I was WARNED this is a long difficult road, physically demanding and emotionally draining.
I was WARNED that people with severe depression or a history of any mental health issues should not have this treatment. I can see why!!
I am not a depressive person with bi-polar nor do I consider that I could be classified as having a history of mental illness.
I have experienced trauma and emotionally testing times but I consider any depression symptomatic of a certain situation.
Knowing all this makes no difference trying to cope emotionally with this situation and it should.
My lingering questions are????? Again through this are.........
Will my emotions reflect who I really am or used to be before treatment?
These drugs alter my thought process to a point where I don’t understand anything.
I cannot make decisions easily and I can’t even talk properly sometimes, my thoughts don’t match my mouth or my true heart. It is difficult to balance everyday life being a good mum and holding up my end of the responsibilities in my relationship.
My specialist assures me this is all-normal and will stop when treatment does.
Its hard on Ben as we share very different roles in our relationship. I am not holding up my end and he is struggling with both.
I am feeling a little withdrawn and confused and as most of my rants go I suppose this is no different, tomorrow’s another day.

I will probably reread this and think what a sook.
But this is my shit for today.

I have had my little bitch session so I will send you Love Peace and Health To you all.

Thinking of you all always. xxxx

Sunday, March 04, 2007


Fortunate: definition
1. Bringing something good and unforeseen; auspicious.
2. Having unexpected good fortune; lucky. See Synonyms at happy.

I am fortunate and grateful for you all at the moment.
You all keep me smiling.
I am not very well though.
I am not getting to you all as much as I should. (or want)
I am undecided on the hair thing!!!!!!
I am really just Blahh.

I will check in as much as possible

Peace and Health To All FRienDS xxxx