Friday, August 31, 2007

Me and number 3

From Glamour

To Sports Star

What a day, I had my injection yesterday (Thursday) and had a great day I watched Tayla run her 200m and 800m races at north zone. She came up with a first and second and then today she got two more seconds and a fourth that puts her into the team for SE Queensland if she does well there shes in the State team I'm so excited my midget kid is a speedy Gonzales. She hurt her knee but I am so proud of our little runner. She was the smallest one in the whole team and she blitzed it.
I was able to get up early again and feel well still no pain meds I am so overjoyed I could burst. It is an amazing boost to feel so good for more than one day, no onslaught of pain and weariness. No aches, pains or migraines, no vomiting any hot flushes or shivers. Good times.
Now the power of prayer:
To me there is no stronger force for justice and goodness. I had a phone call this morning from sister in-law GREAT NEWS she is getting her children back and the father will be charged on countless things. I can’t tell you how happy I am for them and those babes. They will need a lot of counseling but they will have an abundance of love and security from here on in... He will hopefully get back as much as he has dished out when he is finally locked up. Well I'm looking forward to my weekend of good health maybe the Jazz festival and Lyndell and I will do some pottery also to kill some time and just enjoy being.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

A Great Day but Tiny Steps

Well I had a great day yes my friends great I woke up an seen my girls off to school for the first day in like 6 months I was up at 6.30 made a cup of tea sat in the sun and enjoyed the crisp breeze as I braided their hair and continued on with no pain killers no anti vomiting tablets or anything other than my regular medication.

I was pain and sickness free.

I took this picture this afternoon and when I clicked on it I noticed a tiny ant and a lot more detail. Beautiful.

I took the opportunity to make breakfast in bed for my honey, take Kyle to the doctor and then ring my darling girl Bek (who only has 3 weeks to go until her bubba arrives) and we talked for about an hour giggling and catching up on the past month or so of gossip.If that had been the end of my day I would of been Happy but I was on a roll. We have just changed banks soooooo we got dressed and headed off to pick up cheque book, cards ECT when the door of the bank opened. I got a big smile then a scream from the woman pushing a pram out the door before us. I looked at Ben, smiled thinking oh my god whats this weirdo doing and then screamed as well it was my girlfriend I haven’t seen for 3 years whom I have known since I was 13. YAY my 4th musketeer (little miss naughty and Mrs. naughty have nothing on this girl lol) Together were unstoppable and there will be good times ahead.
Hopefully Lyndell is coming for a visit this weekend as the boys are working so another Girlie weekend. I am over the moon about Aleesha but Im so missing Mrs Naughty.

She told me she was moving here in 2 weeks and I am just beside myself I finally have a friend, gees that sounds sad but you know what I mean someone who has known you since then and who doesn’t have to ask how you are she can just tell and who will only be 20mins away.

I rang Lyndel and she’s happy for me but jealous that it’s not her(I wish they would all move closer) But just think how our girly nights will be now when Tania gets back from the U.K WOO Hoo.

The rest of the day has been great I have had 1 maxalon at lunch time (no vomit meds) but no pain killers, that is a huge deal for me and the fact that I was worried about dependency after treatment has left my mind. My pain is real and I treat myself symptomatically, if I have no pain I don’t need medication and today reinforced that, it's such a relief as I really hate taking anything at all and the locum doctor gave me the third degree even though my normal doc and I have discussed this at real length because I did have concerns myself.

I am just a happy bear today, feeling well, seeing old friends, arranging a sleep over and just enjoying a great day.

I cant tell you enough what having one good day has done for my emotional well being, small tasks that we all take for granted have been a struggle. Walking up and down the stairs from my bedroom to the lounge is like watching an 80 year old woman after hip replacement surgery on a bad day and even then I have had days were I haven’t even ventured downstairs to see my kitchen so I really appreciate being up and around. I browsed most of you this morning leaving a comment which is long overdue those of you I missed I will be there tomorrow.

I hope your day has been a healthy one and I pray I find one more (at the very least) I even took some photos in the garden "Look Out shes back"for today any way.

7 more weeks and counting guys can you believe 41 weeks this friday has past since I started on this treatment, it felt like a life time in the beginning but the light is getting brighter every day.

Peace and Health To You All XX

PS- A great Thought Provoking Post from the gorgeous Dana

Take the First Step
"The steps of a [good] man are directed and established of the Lord, when He delights in his way [and He busies Himself with his every step]."(Psalm 37:23)

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Girly things

Girls night in. We did facials, ear piercing and eye lash tint it was fun were going to do monthly girly things with my babes friends manicures and pedicures lots a fun. Great stuff to do while you flooded in. Look at their little red ears so cute.

Olivia and Tayla are like siamese twins when there together as they don't see each other as much as they would like due to us moving.

If you go Here you will meet my better half who has just started a blog YAY please welcome the love of my life hes a funny guy and really sweet.

Friday, August 24, 2007

25 Year Anniversery

How does one choose a pivotal moment, a life changing event that rocks you to your very core of existence? Can you?
Is it possible to choose one moment that makes or breaks a person’s being and can they ever recover from that experience and go on to lead their life with true meaning after that.
Can you pick a moment in time where you would return, change the course of events, therefore changing your history or even your destiny? Would you?
Was that moment so profound that it changed the person you became or can you choose who you are regardless through strength and life’s lessons?
So many questions so few answers in life and death.
Today marks the Anniversary of such a moment 25 years ago today I lost my Dad.
25 years I can’t put this figure into perspective in my mind its way too surreal it’s so long ago and yet that moment that day, is etched into my mind like carvings in stone, which time will never erase.
There is nothing I can truly put into words that can best describe my dad, my daddy, shit this is bizarre in so many ways to try and describe a man that I put on a pedestal as the epitome of what a man is and should be. He was as loving as any person I have ever met and I have never met a man with such Love for his baby girl whom I was so very blessed to be. All though I was not of his blood, he adored me as if I was the only girl on the planet and to him I was. Everything I did was only to see his smiling eyes, to have him scoop me up in his strong arms and for him to tell me he loved me. I miss that secure feeling. I miss how I felt when he held me close to his heart.
He was gentle but strong and he wasn’t ashamed to let people know how he felt. I came first in his eyes and he in mine. I have had trouble over the years finding anyone who could measure up to the type of person he was.
Is it that just that I only remember the good times I think not? I remember being smacked once yes only once but it was a goodin and well without details I deserved it. My mum knew of my bond with my dad as did everyone. I was always on his shoulders or by his side no matter where we were, that was my spot and I thought I couldn't get any safer than right there. He even mowed the lawn with me riding along as the sweat poured down his forehead. My mum was so sure of his love for me that at 5.30 am on the 24th of August 1992 my mum woke me up with a jolt and a panic stricken look of despair on her face. Her exact words were Loo Loo I can’t wake your dad up, hop out of bed hurry he’ll wake up for you; he’s going to be late for work.
I got out of bed trying to make sense of what was happening. I was the same age as my youngest daughter is now and I went into their room to see my dad, lying in bed, looking as though he was asleep, he was warm but he didn’t open his eyes.
I got on the bed and shook him whispering for him to get up, nothing. I panicked then. I shook him I beat his chest tears rolling down my cheeks. I told him it wasn’t funny anymore and he had to get up because mum was crying and he was scaring me. He lay their motionless as I cried and punched his chest.
Needless to say my daddy didn’t even wake up for me. I went out to my mum as she looked at me with a glimmer of hope in her eyes and she asked, even though she knew the answer to her own question. I told her she had to ring Nana then took over waking up my brother telling him the news taking him in to say goodbye and explaining that dad was going to heaven to be with the angels. At seven it was difficult for him and he just couldn't grasp the gravity of the situation. We didn't have a phone back then and mum had to go down the road to the neighbors. It was the worst day of my life and for my mum a devastating blow that she has barely recovered from to this day.

His funeral was huge there were 3 greyhound buses and well over 600 hundred people at his funeral. He was a loved man by many, no more than by his family and especially me. I was his little girl, his little maggot and he was my dad.
I miss him so badly it still hurts. I know he would be very proud of his grand children and I hope of me. His memory will live on always in my heart.

So today I will light a candle in his honor as a symbol of my never ending Love until he holds me once again and I feel the security of his embrace.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Going with the Flow

Well I didn't go to my Specialist appointment. My poor old Doc was un-well. I just rang for my bloods and picked up my injections and tablets. My white cell count is up a little but my hemoglobin is down (red cells) that are not too bad it just makes me more tired anemia is something that I have managed to keep okay but it’s now taking its toll. That’s okay because I can remedy the effects of that through protein and supplements as long as my palettes hold steady or I may need a transfusion. I really don’t think it will come to that but I am prepared to do what ever it takes to see this through to the end. And be smiling at the end of it. NOooooooooooo actually jumping with joy would be an understatement. It is so close I can almost taste victory at the end of this. All the support I have had has been overwhelming I can’t tell you how much that has meant to me I'm humbled and grateful, even when I have been unable to visit as regularly as I would like to those of you I care about. I have had so many prayers thoughts and guardian angels sent my way it has been truly amazing.
I have just had my injection: I am waiting for the on slaught of what is to come but pray this Friday will be less painful and invasive than last week. Its curl up weather here and it has been raining for days and the weather is grim but this has done little to dampen my mood. I am having an up day and I feel good emotionally just drained physically. I will get around to you all again soon I miss knowing what’s happening in your worlds. You are all in my thoughts and prayers always and I can’t wait until the day that I can back to my daily routine of checking in on all of you.
Until then Peace and Health to You All XXXX

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The Brighter side

Its Saturday night: Late Thursday night and Friday was a really tough time for me physically.

I thought that hospital was going to be my only option I was just so sick. I think I double dosed on my night meds (unsure) but I did have a change in Migraine medication (supposed to help) instead I was throwing up I broke out in a rash and had a blinding migraine that felt like my head had split wide open like a melon I couldn't open my eyes to see if I was even making the bucket I was in so much pain I left my bed to sneak to a quieter place as to not wake anyone up.
I didn’t think that I could physically be so sick so far along, nor did I consider how scared I would become. I did hold on in the midst of it all and made it through to the other side without leaving home (I hate hospitals with a passion and doctors also, exception granted to a few).
I stopped the pain meds and threw them away tried taking my usual that doesn’t really work but at least makes my physical being bearable it was too late but I'm settled now.
Tonight I feel much better (Thank God)
I really am appreciating being up and out of bed. I am so grateful for hanging in and not retreating to the starkness of a white walled sterile environment of the hospital.
I am off to the specialist Tuesday I know my white cell count is down as I have a slight chest infection but am avoiding antibiotics as I have no fever so we will see how I go. Just for the record I will go to the doctor or Hospital if absolutely necessary so no need to lay down the law with me in comments lol.
Emotionally I feel good I have laid a lot of baggage to rest and am being pro active in my thoughts for the future. I am looking forward to researching a new project that will have financial and emotional rewards for me and all of us (I will keep you posted)

So that’s it for me I need to rest (yes I said it REST) I am trying to take care of my self and I pray for good health for all of you.
Get Out From Under
"Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world."(1 John 4:4)
EDIT - Its 5.30am now opposed to 8.30pm when I firdt wrote this post and I haven't slept.
I suppose you cant have everything Hey !!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Too Much

Dark moods don’t brighten up as the wind blows the clouds aside to let through the light, so many dark places lately. I’m trying to find bright patches of relief just as the moon reveals it’s self from behind the storms that linger.
I sit in awe of those closest during my mood swings; there is so much tragedy around me at the moment. I am just hanging on to my nearest and dearest and hoping they understand my struggle.
I found out last night a girl I grew up with committed suicide leaving behind her 12 year old daughter, to say that was the last straw is an understatement. I have cried so many tears I think im running out. The anniversary of my dad’s death is coming up also and it’s just surreal to think that I still look to him for comfort after 25 years without him. I miss his warm embrace and the safe place I used to find myself in when he held me in his arms.
My mum is first and foremost on my mind I have been ringing her daily putting on a brave face as I don’t want to worry her. She is sensing my turmoil and the distance between us may as well be worlds apart for me. I can’t find comfort in confiding in her. I am still her mother figure, her protector from harm, the one who has forgiven her for the past we’d both sooner forget and never speak of. I am scared of loosing her she is 70 next year and I want her closer. I want to take care of her I need to show her that everything’s okay, that I’m okay and the past is the past.
I’m rambling I know but I need to get my head around what I’m feeling and all that is happening.
I am really okay, I have let out so much that its all up hill from now there is just so much pain around me and not being able to be the supporter has my stomach in knots. I have to let go of trying to fix everything and settle for doing the best I can and pray that it’s enough.

Peace and Health xxx

PS- Thankyou for hanging in there with me.
I appreciate how honest I can be here with you all.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Time is progressing and I feel as though I am being left behind, dates and days are passing by and the seasons changing and I am in stagnant place not moving forward at all.
Treatment is not getting any easier with time. It just has different twists and turns, highs and lows that have become very draining, at the moment it’s really getting me down. Tears are flowing freely and I think I am feeling a little sorry for my self and thats not a place I like to visit often.I have just about had enough, the migraines are preventing me from reading my favorites people and writing on my blog so I'm feeling isolated lonely and just sick and tired of feeling like sick and tired.
I'm sleeping more again as my haemoglobin is low so anemia is leaving me with little energy. I'm not straying to far from home as there is a really bad flu here and my white cell count is really low so I really don’t want to catch anything that will make me feel worse than I already do.
Painkillers are a constant, more drugs upon more drugs on top of that, and then injection day is coming again. That comes so damn fast I just get over one and its time again. I'm just drained emotionally, physically and any other shitty way you can feel, I'm being hit with it. I'm so close, seriously less than 3 months I have already done 8 months I shouldn’t complain but I am just having a moment where everything about me is pissing me off I believe life is to live and cherish every moment there are always lessons to be learnt and I honor that but I'm just so tired. I don’t speak on the phone I don’t blog I hardly speak to the kids and if I do I don’t make sense or I forget what I have said frustrating for all. It’s just to damn long to damn hard. I will finish of course I would never give up but gees I am so over it already.
There are brighter things happening Kyle is Home for a little longer than expected Ben and him are getting there security license and will be working together their first gig will be the Noosa jazz festival I hope I'm well enough to go and maybe check it out. There are a few things happening with work so money is looking up slightly. Im just missing you all and think of you daily I hope your all well and am catching up slowly.

Peace and Health To All XXX

Press on in Patience" not slothful, but followers of them who through faith and patienceinherit the promises."(Hebrews 6:12)

This is what Im praying about:

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Im Home

Kathleen Mary Furness
17/6/1937 - 29/07/07

What can I say this last week has been a roller coaster ride of emotions that seems to be slowing down and slowly settling into place.
I left for the Gold Coast Sunday, the girls had school, Ben has a big work commitment this week and I was fine with going by my self, everyone was a little concerned but I assured them I would really be okay and not to worry but my son wouldn't have it, he was coming to be with his mumma and he wasn’t having it any other way.
He has always been extremely close to Peter as well I have pictures of them together when Kyle was only 7 months old. They have this really amazing relationship that I love to see in action and if I was to be completely honest I was grateful for a little support for me as well. I draw such strength from my son and I am so proud of his natural ability to keep things light but also have respect for difficult situations. Big call on one so young but he was my rock and he is such a funny kid there is always welcomed laughter so much at times I had to tell him to stop as I was in fits on the floor and its so hard to get up these days.

I arrived and cooked dinner and we talked and just tried to keep a very light atmosphere. Monday and the viewing were very much a part of what we were avoiding as far as conversation went but we laughed and talked and had a nice night, late, but nice and I actually slept rather well Pete gave me one of Kath’s nighties that still had her scent on it. I placed it over my pillow the sweet smell of her essence had such a calming effect on me and I slept like a baby. She always smelt so beautiful this was a woman who took such pride in herself and always looked stunning, even on the day of her being laid to rest my doing her makeup was so easy, as I had the perfect canvas and she just looked so beautiful I am very proud of myself.
Father Pat cane to the house Monday morning for the final arrangements and I was chosen to say a Beautiful verse at the funeral. I was the only one other than children and grand children. I feel extremely blessed and very proud to be included...
Monday was a little more stressful the enormity of the situation and the surreal feeling of coming to terms with the fact that she was gone and in just a few hours it was up to me to make her beautiful and present her to her family (something I have never done) I just wasn’t confident that they would do our precious mumma Kath justice, in fact I was unsure how I would even go. It is very different than doing a makeup on someone who is getting ready for her wedding day or an outing.
I find it hard to express the feeling of when I started. The mortician telling me his way and I told him my ideas as he didn’t have the love factor essential in doing this beautiful woman the justice she deserves. Peter’s beautiful and strong older sister coming in to help just after I got into the mode of what I wanted to achieve and it was magical. I did her makeup and we painted her nails to match her lipstick as she wouldn’t have had it any other way (GIGGLE)
It was such a beautiful experience and I am so glad that I had the opportunity to do that for her I’m left with such peace and contentment in my heart. I know have such closure. I had the opportunity to tell her exactly what I felt about her while she was still here and then to be able to honour her by having her look so beautiful was such a gift to me.
There gratitude of my apparent strength made it all worthwhile and to know I made such a difference whilst she was in hospital and throughout leaves me feeling grate full for being involved with such an amazing family

Monday night we all had dinner about a dozen of us, we sat her picture at the end of the table where we ate, laughed and really embraced and appreciated what we have and remembered the special things about her in our own private way. I didn’t sleep well that night so many thoughts in my head my children my mum my past losses and future losses. I’m not rushing to meet disaster but considering how to just make our lives much richer and appreciate those I love so there is no misunderstanding of how much I love those closest to me. I can draw lessons from this experience and good ones.
The funeral was beautiful my favourite part was at the end all of the immediate family released a butterfly each as Some where Over the rainbow played, it was beautiful. Life is a difficult journey but death and the survivor’s transition into their next journey can mean so many different things for so many different people.
I believe it was her time to be with the loved ones already past that were waiting for her and our time with her over………………

God Bless Gracious Lady…… until we meet again.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Last Sunrise

This was the 29th July 2007 a Mummas last Sunrise.
I took this photo on the Sunday that Kath died some would say how can you consider taking a photo of a sunrise when this could be the last day of someone you love.
My answer to this was what better way to appreciate each day and to celebrate a life then with the magic of a sunrise. Through the aches and pains both emotional and physical I felt lost, helpless to a situation that was devastatingly tragic to a family that I considered my own.
I needed something real something beautiful to replace the emptiness that I was feeling.
The morning was serene, yet subsequently tempered with an eerie stillness.
It was sadly to be her last Sunrise and one that I will remember always as one of the most beautiful and meaningful sunrises I have ever watched.
I have this image etched in my heart along side the beautiful memories of an amazing lady.
I have been challenged lately, so much happening around me, I feel like my life has turned into a train that’s left the tracks an uncontrolled wreck. Knowing it will stop eventually doesn't change the predictability of the aftermath and the destructive path that has been forged along its journey.
It’s hard to breath sometimes, I dare not close my eyes and slow down because my mind seems to meander and rehash the happenings of the last few months. Moments of clarity are seemingly beyond my reach amidst the treatment drugs and the painful reality of daily life at the moment. Don’t get me wrong I'm not breaking I bloody well refuse to break. I haven’t lost sight of the light at the end of the tunnel I can still see that through the many tears that I have shed lately. I just wish that it was a little brighter along the way. I used to tell my kids "know c'mon honey you better stop crying or you will run out of tears. You only have so many so make sure you save them for when you need them" In a strange way it comforted them and they would dry their eyes and say " see mummy I am saving them I have sucked them back and I will store them for when I need them" My big boy still says when I'm being a bit sooky "mumma don't waste your tears, can you please stop or I will start and I'm saving mine" it always makes me smile.
We are leaving tomorrow (Sunday) to go the coast I will be doing my best to do Kath’s makeup on Monday morning for the viewing that afternoon then the funeral is on Tuesday at 11 am. The next few days are going to be hard but even harder for Peter and his family so I will focus my energy on them but hold on to a little for myself as a good friend recently said, I will be of no good to any one if I am sick myself. (I am resting and doing my best to take care) I will get all of my bad news out of the way in this post because of next week my days will be brighter and I will be focusing on getting Healthy and Happy. Danicka has lost her job and is devastated she rang Friday sobbing her little heart out and their wasn’t a damn thing I could do to help she was standing in the middle of Brisbane cities mall tears rolling down the cheeks of my beautiful baby. She is heartbroken at the loss of Pete’s mum, my health and her worry for me is making her run down and unwell herself.
The good thing is she is coming home to her mumma next week for some TLC. Kyle is renovating my sister’s house as he is in a transitional stage also but that brings him home to me also so I am not complaining. My brothers problems with his girls children has worsened and her pregnancy is suffering through the stress of it all I don’t want to go on but I need to vent the bad to try and put it behind us and focus on things getting better. I know things could be worse but right now that’s not what everyone is considering. To be honest I'm still grateful for many things but this isnt the time.
I have released this and let go and that is why this journaling works for me. This is my life I can’t sugar coat the things that are happening at the moment and I won’t. It is just another chapter in my life of very highs and very lows.
The only thing left is to try and find the balance in the middle and pray for peace and contentment...

Thursday, August 02, 2007

8 random or goofy things and an update.......

Well the gorgeous Darlene tagged me for this and I had trouble coming up with things but my sister Kell helped out so that was cool. I can’t even mention some of things she said I'm honest but reasnably tactfull. LOL
I will leave it up to you to be tagged but please let me know if you do it so I can read.

*We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.*Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.*People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.*At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and they should read your blog.

1) I have a bad habit of running material under my fingernails especially between Ben’s clothes, anywhere I can find a fold or make one before he catches me or notices I am doing it.I have to run the material under my nails wether there clean or dirty.I do it without realising and it drives Ben crazy. With every hug or when ever I can grab the material of his clothes I fold it and run it under my nails one by one. I do it in my pockets and on anything I can get my hands on but Ben is my number one target. It drives him mad........
2) I can't stand cockroaches they make me dry reach, they make me scream and dance around like a Traditional American Indian doing a rain dance on crack. This from a girl who plays with rats, spiders and snakes. I bait my own hook clean my own fish and I have also stuck my arm up a cows Woo Hoo to assist in a breach birth of its calf when I was working on a cattle station in the middle of no where.
3) I carry floss and a tooth brush in my hand bag I am fanatical about my teeth. I have to have clean teeth and a clean tongue. I only have 1 filling and I got that when I was 10. There are no caps or veneers and they are okay but I wish they were whiter and tend to over clean rather than under clean. I am good now at only about 6 times a day. I think they have a name for that “OCD” Grrrrr.
4) I am a huge hoarder and I am very sentimental over odd things. My car being one of them. I love my truck I have had it for 12 years and have no intentions of getting another one like EVER, her name is Betty and I talk to her. I have many ugly things and just many things I just can’t throw out and moving is never easy for us.
5) I have a sister who is only 6 months older than me. She is my half sister from my natural dad we have never met but I met a lady at a hungi a few months back and she said she had met a girl who looked just like me around my age with her name which is Tracey and she lived in the same town that my sister did so maybe it was her.
6) Okay I have a reputation for being phobic of public toilets and I am very pedantic about my paper I am definitely a folder not a scruncher and at home if I go, the door stays open and I will even talk on the phone while I’m there but get me near a public toilet and I loose the plot I hate them.
7) My adopted dad and my natural dad both died at the age of 47 years old 18 years apart.
8) I leave my expensive jewellery in different so called safe places all over the house. I have lost particular pieces of jewellery for over 6 years at a time only to have it turn up in a teapot or in a pocket of a jacket or somewhere obscure. No one wants to hear it anymore as I do it all the time, I used to worry and panic if I misplaced something but now I know it will turn up eventually even if its in the garden or old handbags. I have been very lucky like that.

Tomorrow my brother Danny and his girl Missy go to court over the kids and the abuse so please pray or send any positive energy you can for that they need all of our help.
I just can’t believe the last few weeks it’s just been so full on it starts to wear you down and the days and weeks seem to marry into one long nightmare for those around me.
I’m not worried about me its just so many things need sorting out and I hate that I can’t give it my all at this time. Everyone understands but I don’t like it in fact it distresses me endlessly.
My bloods aren’t real flash and the migraines, well let’s just say migraine. I treat it constantly as there isnt any break these days its just one long pain in my head and a myriad of drugs that effect the excessiveness of that pain. I went to the doctor today and had a bit of a cry about how many pain killers I’m taking and asked about the effect on my liver and I wonder if it can handle the load I can handle the pain but it worries me the amount of drugs I’m on and are the long term effects greater than the result.
She sympathetically tells me only 3 months to go and unless they put me in hospital for pain relief intravenously or insert a port-a-cath for narcotics I just have to wether through the storm. So I reaffirm daily that my low white cell count will stay just above dangerous (that's good) and so will my haemoglobin. I fully believe that and it’s okay, but I didn’t get an answer to my question as they don’t know until after treatment ends how my liver will hold up to all of this but she said that I’m doing the right thing. (I hope so) no edit: I know so!!!!!!
I had my injection tonight as I want to be stronger by the weekend. I am trying to use my side a little as the front of my tummy is discolouring at the injection sites and I don’t know if that will ever go away not that I care but its yucky. Tuesday is the day of the funeral and I want to go down to Peter earlier as I’m having a hard time being so far away from him at the moment I just pray he’s okay and that I’m strong enough to go down Saturday to be with him.
Courage Comes From Faith
"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."(Joshua 1:9)

Wednesday, August 01, 2007


They are majestic unpredictable strong intelligent and loving. Ridding and grooming de-stresses me, it relaxes me and makes me calm.
I feel a connection, a trust and the gentleness when I am with animals especially horses.
I spent many hours with my horse over the years contemplating life.
I didn’t grow up in a religious house I was baptised but we never went to church, my Dad said he didn’t believe in what he couldn’t see and his only Love and all his faith were in the smiles of his family, he didn’t need god for that. My mum just agreed with dad and after the horrific things that happened to her as a child I’m not surprised she lacked faith and it saddened me that shes never quite found it she also finds it difficult to understand how and why I searched it out.

This is what I find amazing, my faith was never pushed upon me all though I always believed in a higher power, I felt it, it comforted me and I believed I was loved by it and I always spoke to it. I now know I am loved by it. IT being the Holly spirit, god, our lord Jesus, whatever works for you.
I was always interested in this over evolution because of what I used to have, for what I used to feel and whom I used to feel safe with.
I used to know things, dream things, fix things through the touch of my hands and read behind ones facade.
People from the new age would call me psychic, people who don’t believe anything call me a dreamer or a bull shitter, and other people believe I’m prophetic.
I believe I have a gift and that gift may evolve but it’s not from evolution it’s from god it isn't always easy it’s some times really hard and I haven’t always known him even though I believed in him. I do have a better understanding of what he means and how he helps me.
People ask how do you cope; easy, Faith
People ask how do you forgive; easy, Faith
People ask how you carry on; easy, Faith

Faith is an amazing thing for me and it picks u up; it carries you through and teaches you how to live in the lord.
Its funny Horses and Barrel racing, spinning and turning your horse on a dime the power the freedom the trust between you and your horse is amazing and I liken that childhood experience to my faith its when I used to ride that I pondered the universe, I prayed to the almighty for faith and for clarity and a deep sense of understanding of why I was different why I seen things differently riding made me relax, riding gave me space and time to consider what it was I could feel and the things that I seen.
I held the hand of a dying woman who was like a mumma to me and on Sunday she passed.
She was gorgeous amazing gentle and gracious and just so many things. I massaged her hands. I massaged her feet and legs for hours as she had bad circulation and I wanted her to feel comfortable and to relax.
I brushed her hair I moistened her mouth with mists of water as the oxygen was drying in her throat. I hope she knows I tried to do as she would have wanted. She told me she was scared she was just frightened but through prayer she relaxed and passed peacefully.
I have faith that he was the only thing that kept me going to be able to do these things for her.
I have been to sick to get out of bed but I could be there for her and peter when they needed me. That was a blessing and I feel Blessed to have had that time to help. Slowly trying to rebuild my strength and pray I have this strength next week to do Kathleen’s make up for the viewing.
I am by the way a qualified make up artist but this is a first for me I look forward with apprehension to make her look beautiful. I’m drawing on all my strength for this one.
Praying and Faith
I Believe i can do anything with Faith.
Peace and Health To All xxx