Sunday, September 30, 2007

Bubbles and Dreams

Home Alone conjures images of a quiet night maybe a scented bath with bubbles candles and music. Nothing to do or think about as their are no kids no Ben the house is mine to do with what I please. Some people long for just 5 mins of peace and quiet time alone and nothing to do. I sometimes feel that way but not tonight Kyle left for Brisbane as he starts a new job Ben is working security in at Noosa (that scares the hell out of me) and the girls are in Yeppoon with my sisters and my birth mum. The silence is deafening and I miss the laughter and the hectic scenes of my Family. I should be taking advantage of the stillness enjoying the coolness of the night after the very warm days but I'm unsettled and dare I say NO I'm not bored I swear you know that word erks me I'm just displaced. I have been looking at wedding dresses and wedding stuff on line and I am apprehensive what dress what flowers what kind of ceremony now I know we want low key something maybe on the beach relaxed and casual. I am excited for the first time though about the day, setting a date, no matter that its a year from now. I am trying to picture it and I cant I am so indecisive and so is Ben hes one not to think too much about it until its closer but I want for once in my life to be organised. With this I laugh as I am so not organised as much as would love to be its not in my nature and I work really well under pressure. Planning shmaning I am so not good at it. I am not traditional in the sense of this huge Gala affair I like low key small groups and relaxed times.
Some suggestions would be great as I just don't know. My first was in a court house and all though I meant my vows I was 16 years old and really I think that says it all.

This time is different I can see myself growing old with this man no question about it. I believe God had a plan for us both and we are moving within that plan towards a life of love and happiness. I like every other girl in the world wants that one memorable day I never thought much about it but it some how now seems important we will finally be husband and wife and I'm kinda thinking its a good thing. The kids are so excited they cant wait they have been wanting this since we moved in together. I feel a little ridiculous since i was the one was never going to marry again my thoughts were that we had made a commitment to each other and we didn't need a piece of paper to clarify that and I still don't maybe its an excuse for a party lol I could go with that but I would be lieing, its something I really want to do and that's a very new feeling for me, as much as I loved Ben the whole 2nd husband thing went against my grain.
I am kinda like a giddy school girl crazy in love with the man of my dreams. Now I am sure my anonymous readers (you know who you are)will be pissing themselves laughing about now and trying to think of something to bag me about, as I talk tough but they see straight through me and know how I feel.
I have accepted that I now have 6 weeks to go not what I initially thought but I'm okay with that.
I have changed my mind and I am up for a bubble bath candles and all ;)

Friday, September 28, 2007

Miss -Calculation

Well I am a little perturbed at the moment i thought i had 4 weeks to go. I just checked how many injections I had left and there are 6 thats 6 more weeks not 4. I rang my doctor and hes not there I tried to work it out with the nurse but she seems to think I have missed 2 and that cant be the case i have been diligent with my meds a few mishaps with tablets twice a day but i haven't missed a needle as much as I wanted to believe me. So I don't know guys, looks like i have 6 more injections to go, not happy but its okay whats another two weeks in the big scheme of things.
I had my injection yesterday I am tired and have a headache but otherwise feeling okay. This cough is a little persistent but i am not complaining about that its just a wintery thing and with my white cell count so low I am grateful for not being on antibiotics. i spoke to my darling friend Beck today the first time since little Joshua was born and hearing him gurgle in the back ground made me feel all warm and fuzzy, they are just the perfect little family and Joshua is one lucky little man.
Its getting really hot, now I love summer but I'm just too tired to go out and enjoy the warmth of the sun. We had a lot of rain over the last few weeks, so the mozzies are on the hunt and they love me, worst luck but the joys of summer in Australia are mozzies and flies, spiders and mice. Our snakes are on the move in summer but I like snakes and spiders, really i do.
The spiders eat mozzies and the snakes eat the mice its a natural cycle. See there very handy and I kinda like em. Strange for a girl I know but i always have. LOL
Cockroaches on the other hand make my skin crawl they make me scream and do a rain dance i have been reduced to tears by cockies but snakes and spiders i usually put them in a safe spot away from Ben and his thongs.
Quote "I don't do spiders or snakes" he is a princess like that ;)
Now I haven't a lot to say these days i am very bland and just biding my time the counteractive drugs numb me a little and its still hard to find things to say but i am trying to post every few days just to stay in touch.

Kyle likes Spiders aswell this is one he took outside last night.

Peace and health To All XXXX

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The internet changed my life

26th of September 2001 is a date Il never forget this day changed my life forever. Now normally when I start a post this way I continue on to talk about a devastating event that shattered my world. This post is different on this day 6 years ago I looked into the eyes of a man I fell in love with instantly. In fact I knew I loved him even before we met.
I had just got the internet and was a complete novice but it was a year and a half after I left an abusive marriage and I wanted to upgrade my skills and enter into a world of something new that I had heard so much about. I was finally content with just my kids and I but after they were in bed I would chat online to strangers from all over the world and also locally.
I never dated all though there were many opportunitys but I wasn't about to compramise the up bringing of my children by adding new men into there lives because it just wasnt me.
It was a tough time money wise and they were still adjusting to the divorce but I enjoyed talking and reading and getting familiar but in an anonymous way. When i first left i was a mess and my kids suffered terribly with my eratic behaviour but I was finally at a point were I was just happy and content.
I had never met anyone that I spoke to online and no intentions of ever doing so. Then my girlfriend and I were chatting when a particular person stood out, he sounded kind hearted and very sweet there was no exchange of pictures just a lot of talk we got to talk regularly and for hours and she ended up letting him call. She dated frequently off the net and because she signed in on my computer he thought she was me sometimes. It was funny because she arranged to meet him one night and I chickened out I awas such a sook and quite happy to babysit her daughter and stay at home with the kids while she enjoyed a some what colourful social life.

They met on the 25th of september and he was shocked when he met someone who was the opposite description of me. He questioned her and she fessed up that I was at home. They got on really well but he wanted to meet me so the next day was his birthday and I went with her to pick up a friend to go out or so I thought. I had no idea it was our Islander77.

We stopped at the ferry and this tall well built gut started walking towards the car he was exactly as he described and I punched her in the arm out of shock and said this better not be who I think it is. She proceeded to laugh and snort and say GOTCHA.

I was very shy and could feel my cheeks getting redder with every step closer as he jumped in the back seat. They said hello as I was frozen to the seat cursing under my breath a hand came from behind me extended in introduction, I turned and looked into the biggest greenest eyes I had ever seen my hand shook his, slipping off as my palms were so sweaty my heart beating 100miles an hour and I stuttered out a Hi.

I laughed nervously and said it was a surprise to meet him that I had no idea he was coming.

He just smiled and said it was good to finally meet me as well. I turned to the front giving my friend an evil eye and a slight poke of my tongue as we headed back to our side of town .we chatted as I sat nervously trying to catch a glimpse of his reflection in the mirrors. Then I started to panic. He wasn't coming to stay at my damn house, now I was Ga Ga but not stupid I didn't know him, he was a stranger and I wasn't having a strange man near my kids but I did kinda know him and pretty well, well enough to know I was in love with a stranger but not well enough to have him in my house.

Typing and chatting can't tell you that you can trust someone. What the hell was going on this was weird I had butterflys and nervous laugh. He stayed at my friends house and I spent the whole night wondering what they were talking about. I didnt sleep a wink.

But his eyes OMG those big green eyes told all. I seen to the depths of his soul and knew he was just what he portrayed it took no time at all but my heart melted for this man that I met online.

We spent the next day talking and talking and more talking we just clicked he was just as I imagined, I was scared that I could fall for someone so quickly there were so many things against us in my mind and I tried to play it cool. PFtTTT he knew he could see straight through me. He could also see my pain and my reluctance to form a relationship. I had made many mistakes and my kids were my first priority.

The next 3 weeks was amazing though we really got to know each other well and found we had the same principles and thoughts on almost everything. I let him meet my kids and he stayed over on the weekends but on the couch and he didn't mind a bit. We have been together ever since and I wouldn't change a thing, we have grown together laughed and cried together and we have loved together through the best and the worst of it all. He is what i dreamed a man would be all though we have had tough times we are both stubborn and we have our future as a common goal and our Love for each other and our family. How did a broken hearted mother of four who has so much baggage snag such an amazing man.

I still ask myself how and why but I believe we were and are meant to be a family and we will make it official on September 27 2008 after 7 years together. I was never going to re-marry once was enough but we live as a married committed couple and we want this and in 12 months time it will be official. He asked me twice before I said yes, most men would of given up on this girl but not Ben he was just as hooked as I was and we have made it work and I am so grateful for his persistence.This treatment has been a true test for us but it has only made us stronger and we appreciate each other all the more for it.

My prayer is that my children find a partner that is as loving and as special as their new daddy.

He would do anything for me and our kids and they adore him just as much as i do.

Peace and Health To All xxx

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Parties ROCK

What can I say but Parties Down Under ROCK
we had a ball.
I only had 3 drinks over 6 hours and was a little on the pissy side LOL we pulled an all nighter watching the sun come up and laughed until my voice was lost. There were about 40 people close friends and family we drank ate sang and danced the night away. Ben had a great time and tomorrow is his actual birthday and his birthday marks the day we met so I will fill you in on that over the next few days I'm still feeling well so I am very happy at the moment.
I hope your all well I will catch you all soon.
Peace and Health To All XXXX

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Birthdays-Buddies and Tagged

Katie the gorgeous girl from the UK has tagged me.
The name of the game is to:List one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don't have a middle name, use the name you would have liked to have had. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog post containing your middle name game facts. At the end of your blog post you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

L would have to be for Love. I love my family and my friends there is nothing that I wouldn't do for those I love even to my own detriment.
E would have to be for Empathise. There is a huge difference between sympathy and empathy and few people get the difference. I try to be more empathetic than sympathetic and the fact i have experienced so much in my life I think I achieve that, or at least I hope so.
A would have to be for Attitude. I'm full of attitude I stand up for right and wrong and I tend to express that a lot. I try to do it without malice or judgement but I have never been backward in coming forward.

So that's it not very exciting as I have a short middle name but I tried ;)
I will Tag Deb-Vanessa-Wanda-Dana-Jen

Last night i cooked a huge lasagna and went over to an old girlfriends house who just moved up here. She is now only 20mins away instead of 2 1/2 hours and I love I am so excited to have someone closer. We have known each other for24 years and she is classic. Her kids are adorable and they are just over joyed to know there going to see us on a regular basis. Well Ben's 30th Birthday party is on Saturday night and people are arriving from today so we will have a house full of friends and family and I cant wait. I had my injection this morning and I'm feeling a little tired but other than that perfectly well. Peter arrives today he is doing pretty well its hard to believe its been nearly 2 months since his mumma died. He is up and down at the moment but that's expected I think hes coping really well under the circumstances.
Well that's it for me I will post many pictures from the Party so stay safe and enjoy the rest of your week.
Peace and Health To All XXX

My Baby He is so cute !!!!!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Praise God

Well Specialist day today: White cell count very low: Liver function tests high not good: hemoglobin steady but not a lot of good news concerning my test results.

That's the only down side to this post because I feel great really great and I Praise God for it completely, there are big changes and miracles happening everywhere at the moment and I fully believe that he's involved in healing me both spiritually and physically.

I'm really excited at how well I feel and my doctor was in shock the look of disbelief at how well I looked was evident.

His grey eye brows furrowed as he looked over his glasses that hung low on his nose.

He presumed by my bloods that I would be in really bad shape considering hospitalization.

He soon had a look of surprise and elation as the smile stuck firmly to my face as I proceeded to tell him I don't care what the tests say I am feeling fantastic and I do, I feel good, really good.

I have had prayers from some very powerful people and the big fella is certainly got his hand on me. Most of you know how much my faith means to me but I don't discuss it at length as my Faith is mine and private.

I just cant explain the peace in my heart though and how I feel him carrying me through all of this I would of been lost and I'm sure in hospital if he wasn't protecting me right now.

I refer to Luke 6:19

Anyway I'm all about good news and I am leaving on this high note.

Peace and Health to All XXX

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Babies Galore.................

I am missing everyone terribly. I have been so sick, struck down with a virus that has had me on the loo with a bucket between my knees for the last 5/6 days. It has ravaged the whole house except Ben to which i am so grateful. Tayla Rose was the worst affected having to have injections to stop the vomiting. Her tiny frame is now 5 kgs (11lbs) lighter leaving her at a bow away in the wind kinda weight of 39kgs (85lbs)
So to say this is a nasty bug is an understatement so all my plans of keeping in touch and being around brighter and healthier have been put on hold.

Something to look forward to and get well for is Ben's Birthday Party next Saturday. Our family and friends will all come to a huge party up like they have come to expect from me. I love to cook so I'm looking forward to putting together a feast of many different dishes. We will have a spit roast so the meat is organised but I do love salads and veges and nibbles to start finishing with a huge Pavlova with fresh cream and fruit. I cant believe I'm talking about food when at this moment I cant even consider eating more than a green apple the first thing past my lips in days.
Now it may have been a terrible week here but amazing and wonderful things have happened.
Firstly I became an Aunt again for the 7th time to only the second boy grandchild out of 11 to my brother his name is Arlon.
My sweet friend Bek also had a beautiful son Joshua her second babe.
My sisters dog had 8 puppies.
My friend peter went through the birth with a friend of ours as the dad didn't make it in time (I know, woops) so with all of these new births and wonderful blessings I am so grateful for every ones good health and joyous arrivals even if I have missed them all.
There is plenty of time to cuddle and kiss these new arrivals when I see them.

Peace and Health To All xx

PS. 5 weeks to go I can almost taste the end.
Hopefully my words will flow and I will have something constructive to say when I am off all these meds ;)

Saturday, September 08, 2007


Uncle Charlie when Danicka was 4 days old.
I'm unsettled and water logged from more than just the rain. I didn’t think anything could spoil my mood as I am so grateful to be up and about 9 days of feeling really good cant change the fact that mind and heart is in turmoil.
I refer back to this.
Dreams are a constant for me visions are vivid and words for people always coming to me from a greater source. I have always been the same, I have always been the ballsy one to stand up and be heard in the defense of all. Why do I challenge my heart and what I know to be wrong to me when it’s me? My uncle is very much at the forefront I thought I had closure on this subject my priority was to get his ashes and I did. But there is a lingering feeling of injustice that I just cant shake the fact that he appears to me in my sleep is an indication that things aren’t finalized that there is something that he is not at peace with and I am driving myself mad about what I should of done differently and if I should try to changes that now. I didn’t want to seek the advice of a solicitor as I considered the reflection of what the cow and they would think my motives were. I assure you it’s not all monetary but too many things don’t make sense and this is arising even more with the legalities of Pete’s mum’s wishes.

I just can’t give in to the fact that she has done the best she can with the situation. She still hasn’t sent me a copy f his will and I am presuming that 10 months was long enough as I am his only relative 1 phone call to tell me he was dead wasn’t to damn much to ask.

I don’t know where this heading but I need to know the truth and what she is hiding. Looking through photos last night of the day Danicka was born reminded me he was there during every major event in my life my marriage my kids my 21st birthday my whole damn life and she has tainted my memory of him with her callousness. Know I wasnt just down the road on these occasions I was at the top end of Australia and he drove for 2 days at a time to see me every year and only once with her in there time together. They have been apart for so many years i just cant get get my head around her actions and I don't know if I can justify them in my mind. Do I leave sleeping dogs lie or do I dig deeper and see what she is hiding. I dont want to contest his will I just want to read it as his account of it is very different to hers.

Pondering a course of action I just don't know where to start.

Edit: Well I wrote this post after an awful night but I have awoken to the sun shinning and still feeling well just grateful to be alive. I am not sure if I will pursue anything or not but right know I am glad to be well.

Peace and Health to All xx

Friday, September 07, 2007

Happy 20th Birthday to my baby girl.

Way To Celebrate 200 Posts

20 Years..............Phew 20 years ago today I gave birth to an 8lb2ounce beautiful baby girl.
She was and is an amazing little girl whom I adore with all my heart.
She is now a young adult and just as beautiful as they day she was born.
I am just as in love with her today as I was from the moment she was placed in my arms.
That memory of our eyes connecting for the very first time is etched into my memory like a carving in stone.
It is the most amazing gift to have the opportunity to carry, give birth and then raise your own child.
I have been blessed four times with that privilege and I wouldn't change a second of it.
I would do it all over again if I could, I love being a mum.
I was born to be a mumma all though I didn't think so when she was 6 months old and I fell pregnant for the second time.
I have to admit that she would of been an only child if I hadn't of fallen pregnant with him I was so content with her.
I was so scared that I would be unable to share myself with more than one child but I was so wrong.
All of my kids are unique and I can't express what they mean to me.
My only regret is getting cancer and not having any more.
But today I am grateful for what I have and consider the alternatives.
I would not be who I am or be here at all if it wasn’t for my beautiful kids and I thank God daily for that blessing.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Belated weekend Pics

I went on a rampage of cleaning this week so that meant shelves and cupboards and a huge clean-up.

Pedicures all round, this is Kyles foot EEewwwwwwww.
Dinner with my home girl at the local Pub.
Peace and Health to All XXX

In Memory of our Mate

Steve Irwin mourned in private.

THE family of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin will mark the first anniversary of his death in private today. While Irwin was always larger than life, widow Terri, Bindi, 9, and brother Robert, 3, plan to remember the tragic anniversary out of the public gaze in the US. It is believed they are staying with Oregon-born Terri's family. No special events will be held at the Irwin's beloved Australia Zoo, which became a makeshift shrine to the environmentalist in the days after he was killed by a stingray barb to the chest. Irwin, 44, had been filming a nature documentary on Batt Reef, near Port Douglas, when the accident occurred. Steve Irwin DayAn Australia Zoo spokeswoman said the Irwins would publicly celebrate his life on November 15, to be known as Steve Irwin Day, when fans will be encouraged to wear khaki, camp out in their backyards or visit the zoo for a number of special events. "September 4 is a day for Steve's family, friends and fans to reflect, while November 15 will be a day of celebration, just the way Steve would have liked," a statement on the zoo's website said. Wildlife warriorBindi has taken the mantle of wildlife warrior since her father's death. With a line of clothing, popular television show and stage performances, the primary school student has elevated her famous dad's conservation work to new levels in countries like Indonesia and India. More than 1.1 million people tuned in to Bindi Irwin's TV special My Daddy The Crocodile Hunter on Saturday night, helping it to easily win its 7.30pm timeslot. While Bindi spreads her dad's message far and wide, baby brother Bob is also proving he, too, has star power. With his mop of blond hair and uniform of cut-down khakis, the toddler is entrancing visitors with his hilarious antics in a film clip, which screens at the zoo's daily show. The show features Bob in poses with birds, a crested iguana, baby wombat, a dingo, baby alligator and a fake poisonous snake complete with all his dad's famous catch-phrases from "Crikey, isn't she gorgeous" to "Don't try this at home". Meanwhile, Irwin's legacy continues at Australia Zoo, where work has started on building what will be the world's largest wildlife hospital.