Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Just For Fun

Now Just for some fun I am reminded by my mates overseas that we have a bit of a different spin on things when we speak.
I do use slang a little when I speak but rarely when I write, sooooooo I thought it would be interesting to see if anyone gets this, Gypsy you will know the answers so be fair and let the others try and figure it out but I am sure you'll get a giggle.
I thought there are so many memes and quizes out there I thought I would put a new spin on things, this is open to everyone and lets see how good your aussie slang is.
Let me know in my comments when you've had a crack at it.

And dont bother usin speel check cause itl be screwed with outa doubt, ya may as well b pissin in the wind for all the good itl do ya. lol

Answer or explain the questions and I will post explanations in a few days.

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"?

2. What is a bloody little beauty??

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a Bex and a bit of a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:

a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ?
b) You're going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?
7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. (what does this mean)

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Wally and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
12. Describe the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

13. In any two-hour period have you ever crashed someones joint eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

14. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

15. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

16. Do you own or have you ever owned a tinnie, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
22. What does sinkin piss at a mates joint and getten para mean?

23. Have you ever gone to the corner store for a dogs eye got pulled up by a bottle stooper because you were drivin unco so u got slapped with a green back fine due in 45 days?

24. Have you ever had a yak with an old codger while diggin a pit for the thunder box?

25. Have you ever been to dinner with someone in some flash joint who's pretty good on the fang then realised after u left you've saved some for ron all down the front of your flannie.

26. You go to the races and ya think ur on a sure thing, but ya nag runs like a hairy goat, probably a ring in and u loose all ya dosh so u bum a rodie before u hit the frog and toe drownin your sorrows at the local. When ya finally get home the missus is pissed and you go a few rounds in the kitchen before she kicks ur sorry bum to the curb. (explain his day)

27.Is this Fair? Fair dinkum you get up for a cooked brekkie Sunday mornin at sparrow fart expecting some soft bum nuts and damper but instead by the time the missus finishes fart arsen around its beer o'clock so u crack a darky as an excuse and just go to the local with the boys for a floater and a whinge instead. (what happened?)
Have Fun !!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Freedom Writers

I can finally recommend a movie that touched me, many of you may of heard of it and I don't usually talk about movies and say that people should watch it because there are so many different tastes among all of us but this movie is for everyone. It is inspiring thoughtful and its based on a true story that is touching and admirable.

Treatment being over has left me happy but not feeling well at all. I seem to be going through some withdrawals and I am just a bit yukky.

So with my roses on the table (from Ben "grin") a strong cup of tea and my blanket wrapped around me I settled in to watch a movie and relax.

I was a little unprepared for the gamut of emotions that welled up from deep inside me.

It touched me, it has everything a good movie should and it did its job.

I laughed, cried I became angry and relieved and in awe of this amazing woman who gave a shit and made a difference.

It bought up many discussions with my girls and I. From this we have made a conscious decision to research the true story in length and it also has opened up questions about the Holocaust and history. So the girls and I are going to make a trip to the library for some research.

If you could clone this teacher and have her in each and every school this world would be a far better place for our kids. So now I am watching it again (tears still flowing) before it goes back to the video store but be sure i will be buying this movie reading the books and diaries and getting into some projects with my girls. They both want to teach and what a fine example this woman has set for them. This is another web site to the Freedom Writers Foundation its really kool.
Now I know Patience isn't my strong suit but I just want to feel Healthy.
I haven't really felt well for the last 12 months and so knowing its over and so close is a real tease. Ben is telling me give yourself a break you've had a tough go of it and it will take time.............TIME Blah I am so over waiting but I will lol like i have a choice Hey? but anyway day by day i will regain my strength and hopefully my mind and I will be able to do the Master Cleanse like Thea did.
She had a diary of her cleanse and her tips will be invaluable to me when I start. I just cant wait to get into it and exercise pain free wake up and want to get out of bed. I am a little perturbed many things going through my friggin aching head man is it pumping to the point I am squinting one eye. I have so many damn questions about how I am feeling and no one really to ask. Are my headaches like a withdrawal thing or is it because I am now codeine dependant and the headaches are a craving of more drugs. I just don't know anymore. Ben's at work and will be every night this week and weekend and someone was killed last week doesnt help with contentment when I worry about him. I have him during the day but I am irritable and snappy and happy and sad and just well.........YUKKKKKKK
I am annoyed at myself i want to be happy grateful and positive about all this and I kinda am but I think I should feel better about it all but at the moment I am just cranky and its the not knowing what the F*#K I am supposed to feel as I have no gauge and its the same old story every ones different scenario. I am just venting I am not ungrateful and I do feel happy but lol when your head feels like its in a vice its hard to project joy. I better stop before I crack totally and go to bed and try to sleep. (Mmmm that's another thing i have been on sleeping tablets for 11 months will I not sleep when I wean off all the shit I don't want to need anything and I will really struggle with the cleanse in a few weeks with stopping those crutches I have relied on)
MMmmmmm Dreaming of the day I can kick a football go for a long walk with dog and just enjoy life again.

Enjoy your week Peace and Health To All XX

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Treatment Is OVER.................
Can you Believe It I spoke to the Specialist and

I am DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sunday, October 21, 2007

D Do they stay the same ?
Do they change ?
R Do you follow yours?
Do you help in others?
e Do you have any?
Do you write them down?
A Do you remember them?
Do you share them?
M Do you keep them secret
Do you want them?
Well its been a tough week Health wise I am struggling a little, my body is tired and my head hurts with migraines that seem to be hitting me again with a vengeance.
I went to Ipswich taking Ben back out there 3am Monday morning I visited with my Mum who is a little unwell and also friends and family. Long days and the stress of not knowing what was happening with the job took its toll.
I had the shakes and body aches blinding headaches and a mountain of confusion but it was okay I managed with medication and plenty of rest now I am home. Ben is home also and he worked Friday and Saturday night his work finished out there for now so he is home until he is required again.
I am pretty happy about that as I like him near when I am little off its strange how unpredictable this treatment is but not long now and I can't wait till its over.
Thank you for your comments on Bianca its always good to off load a little piece of baggage that is weighing you down. I can talk about my past without being ashamed now. When I was younger I thought that i was deserving of bad things. it takes a lot to realise that bad things happen to good people and you can only do the best you can.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Bianca- Part 3

It had been many,many years since I seen Bianca when I returned to Brisbane with my kids. My return initially is a whole nother story. But going through my boxes I found a letter from Bianca that I thought I had lost. It got me thinking again about her being gone and whether what I was told was true. Being back after so many years had me a little unsettled as well as the break down of my marriage and many memories of my life here flooded back.
B was a good person but had an addiction that compromised what she stood for. She was devastated by what had happened to me but I forgave her even though I dont know if she knew that, it really could of happened any way Rohypnol was a huge problem for awhile and I wasn't the only girl affected by it.
I started with the phone book again to try and find her family. I didn't have a photo of her and I badly wanted one. I thought enough time had passed to be able to ask that favour and not have it be to hurtful.
I finally got an Aunt who could help, I was a little overwhelmed but she was really nice and we chatted for a moment when she asked if I knew she had passed away. I told her I had and that I was devastated by the news and at the time I tried to get a hold of someone but being in Cairns made it difficult. The conversation went a little strange when I asked for her mums number, she said it may be a little early to speak to her as she is still very upset. I was a little shocked when she said early. Now I know the death of a child is something you could never get over but it had been 10 years and I knew her mum. The aunt continued and said the funeral was beautiful but it was really hard on her husband being left with all the kids 1 month before their wedding.
I just went silent I stuttered out some jiberish not knowing what was going on.
She picked up on my shock when she asked when the last time I spoke to her was and I told her it had been many years and that I was told she had passed away, like 10 years before.
She went silent.................the conversation continued with an awe of mystery her words dropping me to my knees.
I am so sorry sweet heart Bianca only passed away 2 weeks ago. I couldn't speak I know we were talking about the same person I had confirmed that early but I couldn't comprehend what I was hearing. She went on to talk to me for an hour to fill me in on everything ten years earlier she had indeed overdosed and it was touch and go, she had been put into a rehab facility and also spent time in jail but survived and finally became clean having 3 kids to different relationships. It had been only the last 3 years she was in a stable relationship with an amazing man who became daddy to her three babes and they were planning to marry. As if the conversation couldn't become any more bizarre than that. The final blow was that she also had 4 week old twins to her new man. I just cried and cried trying to keep it together as the poor aunt was also in a terrible position. She told me to ring her fiance as he was good man and would speak to me and tell me what had happened she gave me his number and told me he lived with their kids in a suburb only 15 mins from where I was, that was just the final straw.
I hung up the phone in shock trying to absorb what I had been told. How could this be, I tried to find out, obviously not hard enough. What had happened? how could I have just given up, if I had of tried harder I may not of missed out on so many years and to know she was only up the road had me beside myself with guilt and grief. So many thoughts if I had of done this a few weeks earlier I may have been able to see her, touch her, hug her one more time. I could of told her I forgave her and that it wasn't her fault.
It took me a few days to phone Bill, it was the hardest call I had ever had to make. This strange man who I didn't know and who probably had never heard of me who just lost the love of his life and the mother of his new born twins. It was daunting to say the least but I had to know. The phone was ringing for what seemed an eternity and a soft spoken man answered the phone. I stuttered a little and told him that I was sorry to disturb him and that I had been speaking to Kate and she gave me his number. He was lovely and told me it was okay as I proceeded to tell him who I was. I explained that I was a very old friend and that I hadn't spoken to B in many years and I have just moved back to Brisbane. He asked my name and when I told him the phone went silent, I kind of felt really awkward and apologised for ringing and that I should probably leave him to it. He stopped me and said it was okay he knew who I was.........what?
You have heard of me his reply even softer. The tenderness in his voice was apparent and his willingness to speak to me surprising. He asked me what I knew, I told him the story of thinking she had been gone for many years and that I just cant believe she was still alive or only just now passed. He said that she didn't think I wanted contact with her anymore and she just wanted me to be happy in my life so she severed all ties.
The morning she died he told me that she had been well, nothing out of the ordinary when she got up at like 6am to feed the twins she turned to him and said she had a bit of a headache then collapsed. Not regaining consciousness due to a burst aneurysm in her brain. I am just beside myself at this stage trying to understand what the hell was going on. I tried to calm down and asked about her kids he told me about her 2 older boys and then her daughter and their twin boys he continued to tell me about her little girl and how she was just like B then he paused which seemed like forever and said that little shazzie her daughter was beautiful.
WHAT? what did you say.
He confirmed to say that her only daughter was named after me the best friend she ever had.
I was floored to say the least and heart broken by the time missed in our lives.
My friend was indeed gone but not when I thought and she honoured me by naming her only daughter after me.

From Tradition to Truth
"Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with loving kindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's."(Psalm 103:2-5)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Part 2- Bianca and me

Bianca and I started spending more and more time together we had a lot in common and we had a lot of fun together. We surfed and went to the beach danced t]after my shifts in the club, yes I started working ther not long after as a topless waitress the money was good the drinks for courage was free and no one new I was still in school I led a double life. Bianca was funny and a good friend but I soon found out that there was a lot she was hiding, including an addiction to heroin. Needless to say it was a roller coaster ride being with her when she was up and also down. All though she wasn't to bad in the beginning she thought she had it under control she didn't. I was with her when she was going through withdrawals hocking what ever she could for one more hit. She joined the methadone program but that only kept her going in between scoring the good stuff. I met people I wish I hadn't, I seen things, I wish I had never seen.

I saw people over dose, ambulances being called police turning up running so as not to be caught in the middle of something that was going on, none of it pleasant. At times she would get food from the salvation army and money from welfare to live. I would go home to my Nana's occasionally just to let her know I was okay and rang her daily but she was terrified of what was going on and where I was. I could of quite easily tried it but I hated needles and was petrified of it.Many tried to get me to try it but Bianca would not let anyone near me, she was very protective and thought of me like a little sister and she didnt want me to go through what she was, one of her better moments of clarity. We both got work as dancers outside my regular 2 nights a week, we found a flat in the valley that was cheap enough to afford and we would walk to work every night school was in the past and I was making really good money. We didn't always work in the same club but always met after work to go home together. A lot of my money went on her habit but I didn't mind because I hated seeing her sick. We had numerous jobs Dancing on stage and in cages with hot pants and skimpy clothes I had a regular job Thursday and Friday nights topless waitressing in the club where Tony worked and that was when I was still at school so I still had that but I worked in bars did stag nights, bikini and lingerie parades at functions and clubs. I wasn't into drugs all that much but I did drink a lot I had to just to relax and do what I had to do I was very shy believe it or not. I had rent to pay I was on my so you did what I had to do.

Back then the club I worked in was a theatre club the shows were as tasteful as a club like that can be there were g-string rules or thongs what ever you prefer and no touching. Things were preety good for awhile but it got harder for B and she needed more and more I couldn't keep up with her habit and neither could she financially, so I started to take speed to work day and night but it wasn't my thing I couldn't function and started to loose way to much weight. I did it so I could work at night and then as a receptionist in a house that sent out call girls B started to work in there but she was not answering the phone like me.The girls were really nice and I tried to pick and choose the jobs she got sent too. That didn't last too long thank goodness as I hated seeing some of the girls coming back to the house beaten and bruised because a customer wasn't happy. The first time she seen me cry after she came back made her realise we had to do something different.We decided to try and get her off the gear I locked us in a room for 4 days and she cried and screamed and rocked in my arms for every hour we were in there. We finally came out she looked like hell and we hoped the worst was over. She stayed clean for a while and the money we made was ours to just have fun with. Things were pretty good we worked our regular jobs went to dance classes and hung out at the beach.

One night things took a turn that would change things for ever it all went horribly wrong she buckled under the pressure and was gone for a long time from the club. I waited and waited but I didn't see her again for about 3 days. That night didn't just end badly for her it turned into a nightmare for me also.

One minute I was talking and dancing with friends after my shift behind the bar, the next thing I knew I woke up in our flat with a black eye fat lip bruises and covered in blood. I was naked and my front door was wide open Bianca was no where to be seen and I didn't have any recollection from the night before. I locked the door and hid. When she didn't show up all that next night I feared the worse. I wasn't game to leave the flat I was scared and alone with no phone no friend and not actually being able to recall what had been done to me I was feeling scared sore and very alone. When I didn't show for work a security friend of mine Des came to see why, as I never missed a shift. There was a knock at the door but I was to scared to answer it until I heard his voice and knew it was him. I opened the door and fell into his arms crying uncontrollably he tried to find out what had happened but I didn't know I had spent half the day and night in the shower the water muffling my cries as I looked in the mirror when I finally got out I hardly recognized the person staring back at me and neither did he. After being there for a few hours he went back to the club and questioned the bouncers that were on the night before and they said that I had left with a man whom they had seen before but was not a regular and thought I was just drunk he said he was going to walk me home and I apparently brushed off there concerns. When Des came back he took me to the hospital and they ran tests and found traces of Rohypnol (the date rape drug) in my system and that I indeed had been raped. I refused help and would not talk to the cops I left the hospital and just went home praying that B would be home when I got there I was so worried about her but she wasn't and O was alone.

I had to stay at the flat because I couldn't go home to Nana's looking the way I did, she would of had a heart attack and I refused to speak to police because I was too scared. Bianca came home 2 days later as high as a kite and my face said a thousand words I told her what happened she was very sorry but that just didn't cut it this time. She should of been with me or at least told me she was leaving. There were so many good times in between the shit and I loved her a lot but that was a huge wake up call for me and I couldn't live like that any more. I couldn't help her or my self, the drugs were her friend not me and so that ended our friendship at that time and when the bruising went down I went back to my Nana's.

It just wasn't the same after that I couldn't relate to any one, my friends from school were doing there own things and I stayed away from the clubs and the whole city scene for a while. I finally decided to travel I had to get out of Brisbane and so that started a new chapter in my life I was going to go around Australia work and see the sites of our big vast country put the hurt and pain of my past behind me and I just wanted to be a new person. It had all been to much from the age of 13 I left home because my mum was an alcoholic and her boyfriend abused me. It seemed all down hill from there. I can reflect on those times and just be thankful I'm alive my life could of turned out very differently and I know that.

I did see Bianca again she was with a dance troop in Cairns and she found out my number through my Nana. She came to see me while Glenn was at work, she looked good she was clean and had been for 6 months she wanted me to go back to Sydney with her to start again and be friends dance in the troop and travel Australia but I was settled I was married and pregnant I wasn't going any where she was hurt but I had changed and I was happy.

I only heard from her a few times after that some letters and a couple of phone calls. I heard after Danicka was born that she died of an overdose and I was devastated no matter the past I loved her very much and was crushed by the news. I tried everyone I used to know to find out if it was true no one knew, I wrote letters from her old address and they were returned I presumed the news to be true. It wasn't until I left my ex 15 years later and was back in Brisbane that I went through my old letters and hers struck a chord in me again. I felt as though I needed to know more so I called her Family, it took a while but I went through the phone book and got on to an Aunt of hers. Then began a whole new story that floored me beyond belief.

Until then. Peace and Health To You All XXXX

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Part 1- Bianca

Its funny how you wake up one morning and start off on your normal routine of getting up brushing your teeth making a cuppa thanking god that today you can even get of bed, then the strangest of memories pops into your head. This happened today and it rolled on to a bombardment of visual memories some good, some that just freaked me out and had me shaking my head in dismay wondering how in the hell I survived such times.
An angel on my side? the thought of a pre-determined destiny that just caught me short of taking my life so I was around to tell the tale today.
I am not a writer by most peoples definitions I have never studied and I haven't read as much as should of or would of liked. I have never had the creative need to write poetry or stories that overtake some people nor was I inspired to use amazing words that jump out to some one who reads them. Until I started blogging I wrote for myself or to get a point across to someone close to me and that hasn't changed, I just write what I am thinking and I think my lack of vocabulary shows but my honesty and feelings seem to jump out and sometimes strike a chord and I must admit I like that.
Poetry was always scribbled down in a book or what ever I could find just to release my pain or my happiness then I would tear it up so it no one ever knew mw or my secrets to intimatly.
I had an English teacher at school who was my friend, my teacher and my football coach, he was a tough teacher but I respected him(usually because my punishment for not doing my work was no sport) I think about him now, what would of happened had I not been so rebellious and actually handed in the words that I so frequently wrote down for my eyes only.
Maybe I would have a lot of inspirational words instead of just thoughts and odd memories to share in my new found release. Sharing seems to lessen the burdens of my past and I appreciate those who stop by to share.

Getting off track hough my thoughts this morning turned towards an very old friend of mine that I was extremely close to and I do think about her often and the experiences we shared when I was just 15 years old. She was 19 at the time and I looked up to her as one of those beautiful people that you just see float around a light up a room, she was gorgeous and bubbly with a great sense of fashion and I strived to be as happy as she came across. It wasn't until we got to know each other really well that I found ot she had on a huge facade for people just like me and in many ways we were very much alike and we bonded through unspoken words.
Maybe that was what drew me to her, maybe we became so close because we were both very lonely and displaced just looking for something real outside of the smoke screen of having it all together like the one that we both became so well at portraying.
I was working in night clubs then just in bars and night clubs, before finishing school and not being allowed back for my last 2 senior years (another story) I had just moved back to my Nana's out of my own flat after being robbed of everything I had and met a man who introduced me to a club in the city. We met at a paddock where I kept my horse, he was my only true confident at the time and I spent every day with him riding all through the bush, swimming in the river and just hanging out I even slept in the paddock under the stars sometimes. I went to school when I felt like it.
Tony had just moved his horses their and it was raining this day. I had taken off my jeans and shirt off and was riding in my bikinis as I needed something dry to hitchhike home in. Their was a big straight that I used to gallop up full speed form the bottom as our last run for the day and with out a saddle and just a rope halter that I put together my horse sometimes would shy if there was something new in our way. Back then I spent a lot of time off him more than on until I could afford a bridle. Anyway we headed for the straight as the rain poured down towards the gate at the top where I knew either way he had to stop lol. We were running full pelt when I got to the top to see a new horse float and 2 new horses and 2 men I'd ever never seen, by the time I spotted them it was too late and my horse shit himself and tried to stop way before I was ready and we both slid through the mud, him in one direction and me around his neck I couldn't hang on any longer and off I went face first into the mud, arms and legs every where right in front of 2 strangers. I was fairly shy then unless I was drunk and so embarrassed that I had no control of my horse in front of new people. I was trying to get the mud out of my eyes when I was being nudged by my horse who was almost laughing at my situation as he did, when I felt myself being lifted into somebodies arms. Then I found myself quickly dropped on my ass and a man shriek in pain. My horse didn't like strangers hated men and was very protective of me kinda like a pit bull. He bit this man on the shoulder for touching me and it gave him such a fright he dropped me damn quickly then my horse stood over the top of me nudging him out of the way. It was pretty funny when I finally cleared my eyes and got up. Luckily The guy was not too perturbed although rather sore and we started talking about the paddock and trail rides I knew that were good and he asked if I would take them on a few just to show them the area. I agreed and instead of hitchhiking to my horse everyday he would pick me up and we would ride and hang out with the horses during the day it was fun to have someone else to talk to. After a few weeks he asked me how old I was and not wanting to spoil things I lied and told him I was 19 in reality, I was only 14 but I did look a lot older. He asked if he could take me to dinner and a show and I agreed I had never heard of the place where we were going but I was game.
We had dinner and then went to the city where he introduced to a couple of girls outside the club and said I should sit with them during the show because he was in it. My eyes nearly popped out of my head when I walked into all these hot guys parading around in g strings and bow ties serving drinks to a bunch of ga ga women ranging in age of 18 to 80. My jaw dropped even further when the show began and my new friend came out in a ninja outfit wielding samurai swords and nun chucks stripping down to a cowboy outfit and then to just a cape. Anyway I became a regular there on ladies nights and men's nights and that is where I met Bianca she knew the DJ and so did I so we used to sit with him and help him choose the music we wanted to hear and dance too.

Our whirlwind friendship began from there in a strip club when I was only 14 years old.

......................................................... more tomorrow.

Peace and Health To All XXX

Friday, October 12, 2007

Wankers !!!!!

Its now Friday and the week has just flown by, not without some incidents that just had me wreathing with dis belief at peoples ethics. I have really mellowed over the last few years believe it or not I used to be pretty feisty ;) Everyone has noticed the difference in the last few months more so then ever before. I am just so calm and its not just because I have been too sick. I just have a lot of peace in my heart.

There are some things however that get me wanting to tear someones throat out. Now that my sound extreme but I seriously don't suffer fools or liars easily and I refuse to be ripped off ever again, I believe people should be accountable for their actions and take responsibility when they F**K UP. I am the first to try and rectify a problem if its my fault and I follow this through in my work ethics. I believe you should take pride in you work and offer the very best workmanship of your ability and if there's a problem and you have been paid but it stuffs up you cop it sweet and fix it. Isn't the customer your most valuable asset in business? I believe a happy customer is the best free advertising that you can get.

Not all business owners are like that and they are out for the quick buck and screw the consequences. Once there paid there money there is no care or responsibility. I came across one of those people this week, we had paid good money to do a job in a certain time frame for Ben to be on site this first Monday morning.
As the job is so far from home when there was a problem with the workmanship and we started to loose money by not being able to work we were unhappy and then when we had to pay another guy to do the job that wasn't finished I became a little agitated. I calmly rang the guy who originally did the work and explained the situation and asked if he had any suggestions on how we could rectify the problem of his work being shit. He told me to wait a second as he would speak to his worker who did the job. The man is an idiot because he didn't choose to put me on hold he only removed the phone from his ear. I could hear his conversation with this boy. He then got on the phone and lied right to me. I couldn't believe my ears and so the sarcastic nature that lurks below the surface of my sub conscious reared its ugly head and I proceeded to listen intently before asking this man was he sure this was the road he wanted to travel down with me as I am a little upset at the drama his less than satisfactory work has caused.
He paused, obviously not comprehending my words.
So I quoted his conversation with his worker and told him maybe he should consider a new phone that has a hold button so the person he was trying to screw didn't hear his plan (what a shmuck)
Now this is the reason I don't lie, One I am really bad at it and two I accept responsibility for my actions there is no shame in saying sorry and admitting a mistake that may or may not be an accident. I wasn't going to argue I just said that if we couldn't make it work out and I had to pay someone again for the job he didn't do then I would bill him for time lost and for the cost of getting some one else to do his job properly. He was not very nice about it but he knew I had the upper hand and tried to be helpful (what ever) I had to ring again the next day this time more of what he had done was not working and it had Ben unable to do his job. So I was back on the blower to this man. The call didn't go well and ended with him swearing at me and hanging up. I really have a problem with incompetent wankers that just try to rip people off and I hate being hung up on, so I jumped in my car and drove to his workshop frothing at the mouth. He was just as unreceptive as he was on the phone until other customers walked into the office.
Uhhh a change of tune maybe a little weakness your mine dick head.
I regained my composure as I seen a little fear in his eyes as he back peddled and tried to be very helpful in front of his new customers, all the while gritting his teeth. Know I could of just made a real idiot out of him by bringing myself down to his level and calling him numerous names and cussing as he did to me, instead I slowly but assertively made him squirm and I got almost everything I wanted including staying respectful with out being shit on.
Wether he has learnt a lesson or not is not my problem but trying to argue with a woman who is missing her man isnt very smart. How can you argue when your wrong any way.

The only thing I didn't get was someone to take the new parts out to Ben. So I had to drive a couple of hours to take it to him that night not getting home until after midnight. It was worth it though because I had 5 mins of just being held in Ben's arms and now he will be home tonight so I am very excited.

Injection went well yesterday 4 more injections and 5 weeks of meds but that's cool i am feeling pretty well these days. Its been great having Ammi here we are very much alike and enjoy hanging out often till the early hours of the morning. I am back to bed to rest but will catch up with you all soon.

Have a great weekend XXXX

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Missing Ben

Its Sunday night and the prospect of not seeing Ben for a whole week is hitting home with a hard thud. I have just said goodnight and pathetically I'm holding back the tears, I am such a sooky LA LA. This will be the longest we have ever been apart and its funny most people enjoy the break but Ben and I don't feel that way and never have. We enjoy each others company we just enjoy each other. Now don't get me wrong I am not saying we don't argue because we do but we resolve things really quickly .

Ammi has come up for the week to take my mind off things and just hang out which is really cool. It has been such a stressful few days trying to get machinery organised and try and make sure every things in order and he worked night shifts both Friday and Saturday night so it left little time for us. it might be sickening but I love him more today than i did when we fist met and not being close to him daily is going to be a really trying time for me and him.

Its now 2am and I am waiting for him to get up I am going to cook him breakfast and say my last goodbyes or see ya later which is a term I much prefer. I didn't go to sleep until 5.30am so today I have been tired Its now 10.30pm Monday night and my hearts just not into writing and plus Ammi and I talk each others ear off.
So I will catch up with you all soon.

Sending you lots of Peace and good Health xxxx

Friday, October 05, 2007


The people who love me will get me and those who don't, don't matter. Its taken me a lot of years to accept that I am who I am, good, bad and indifferent. I have accepted that I am a good person and bad things happen every day to good people and that's no excuse for treating others badly so I try not to.
Realistically I should of pursued a career in acting I would be a very wealthy woman. I can put on a happy face and put myself in any position and no one would ever know my pain.
People deal with things differently, I am one to laugh and joke, make fun of myself and pretend every things fine then cry myself to sleep.

It works for me, there are a few who see straight through me but they respect they way I deal with things. I try not to dwell on the past and remember all the good things in my life.

I have opened up on here more than I ever have. I'm very private (not now lol) and always had a fear of showing that I hurt or admitting failure in any sense of the word. I always have this facade of being okay and being able to handle everything.

And it may be a contradiction but usually I can.
I am not saying there is anything wrong now, because there isn't but having a conversation with someone who knows me very very well we talked about how we see each other and how we think each other feels and were pretty spot on with those thoughts. Its nice to openly discuss how you feel or how you felt about something when you have forgiven and that's where I am at. My problem is i want everyone to be okay and I so want to help him through his pain. He knows I understand but that is why he feels less secure in himself, because he knows me so well and I am ok and he is not at the moment but its all so raw and he has had a big last 6 years.
There is no measuring stick on ones pain and just because his perception of mine is worse in some cases, it is not because its his and its happening now. I am so proud of how he has handled things and do not think I would cope as well i just need him to see that so he too feels at ease in himself and realises he has so much to offer through his own experiences.

I can be very open about my past s has read things he never knew especially here and my friend of nearly 30 years couldn't understand why he I never turned to him or any one but I didn't and I find it hard to hear that people are proud of me for coping and that they think a lot of me.
I still find it hard to accept even though I know I'm a good person but I still feel un-deserving of some of the blessings in my life.

If I was to psycho analyse myself I would say it stems from being abused, trauma in my early years the loss of a parent and moving out of home when I was 13, going through so much when I was young and experiencing so much in my life but what I cant understand is others hurting other people and using there childhood as an excuse for being mean and hurting other people because it happened to them.
I am the opposite I wouldn't wish pain or heartache on anybody especially if i have experienced it first hand. It has always interested me to see how people deal with pain and loss, stressful situations and trauma in their lives. Not because I'm morbid but to soak up knowledge on how to pass something on that maybe an inspirational tale to some one else in need. I love being needed I love helping others and tend to get so much out of putting a smile on someones otherwise sad face.
I refer to this articles and this that I read in the news and seriously am at a loss for words.
I don't understand vendetta or revenge I don't understand people who don't smile at you when you smile it costs nothing, or they think your want something from them when you offer a helping hand.
Its sad and it upsets me that people are so sceptical but I do understand. I'm not really going anywhere with this post just having a ramble its late and Ben's working and the girls are still on holidays so the house is very quiet and I'm feeling as though I'm missing Ben already and he hasn't even left yet.

I am putting on that brave face for him as he would crumble if he thought I was really upset so I am keeping up a brave face but its going to be tough, we are together every day and the thought of minimum time with him is a lot to soak up.

The girls are really going to miss him as well but we will deal with it just like we do everything else and make the most of every moment we get to spend with each other. Well there it is, a confused mixture of tiredness and the fact that its really late forgive me for my midnight dribble.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Tattoos and Work Prospects

Well excitement all round.

I have lots of news.

First of all the first this first photo is where it all started.

This is my baby, in the tattoo realm we call it a clean skin.

Ben has no tattoos this was the last time I seen him un inked.

The stencil was on, then the freehand drawing began 6 months in the planning and phase 1 began.

Two hours getting what he wanted drawn on and then the magic began.

Six hours later,* hours all up...... I know we breed em tough over here, he was finished the first part of his sleeve. LOL

Here are some more close ups. I love it and so does Ben.

He will have a few more sessions to go but it was a great start.

Then today Ben has scored a job through our business that may have him in regular work for a very long time and on really good money so pray it all comes to fruition. The only down side to this is he will only be home on weekends I

Monday, October 01, 2007

Laughter at My expense

The day before Ben's party Pete my oldest friend came up to visit it was his first big trip since his mum passed away so it was good to see him. Since treatment to say I have been very loopy is an understatement. I have no memory, I have no real thought process and I get a little confused. Its really kind of funny and you have to laugh other wise you'd cry but my friends and family aren't the most sympathetic lot don't get me wrong they are very good but we have a real prankster kind of family and any chance to laugh at their expense we go for it so it has been open slather on me and I have to admit its really funny. Or maybe I have a warped sense of humour. Well any way I had just gone inside to organise dinner and Ben and pete were outside.

Ben walked in asked if I needed a hand and asked me to get the Vodka bottle out of the freezer stupid me obliges not giving his request a second thought and so I opened the freezer which is huge and Pete jumped out i screamed at the top of my lungs followed by roars of laughter from everyone at my expense he said the look on my face was priceless my heart was poundig a 100 miles an hour I nearly peed right then and there it was so funny. I hope you have laughter in your lives and had a great weekend.