Friday, April 18, 2008

So much for saying NO ;)

Hey guys I am alive and kicking just been very busy only about another month until my last test results. I am not even stressed to be honest I haven’t had time I do think though I have decided not to do treatment again if its required because I just don’t think I could do another 48 weeks of that.
Not with mum struggling and everything else that’s going on its just not a good time and maybe I am just not prepared to put my family through anther year of hell. I am finding it hard to decide if that's a selfish decision or not to be honest, I just don't know. I have changed my mind so often about this subject and the reality will hit home soon enough.
I am feeling really good for the most part though, my back is giving me some grief and a few pesky headaches but other than that all is well its great to be able to make plans clean my house do washing and shopping and all those little things that we take for granted. I am looking forward to looking for a new job in June all though I have no idea what the hell I am going to do. That will come to me eventually.I had Ayesha's friend living here for the last 3/4 weeks just to help out her mum so my resolution of saying no didn’t last long lol. AND I have Ben's youngest sister moving in with us also as she is not liking where she is at the moment so another full house. I have sold all but 3 of the pups all too really good homes so I am really happy about that and the phone calls are still coming.
I am going to spend the night with Mrs Naughty either Sunday or Monday before heading out to mums again it breaks the drive and I miss seeing her now that I don’t live just around the corner. The thing is lately I just don’t have a lot to say I am really just enjoying time with my family. Remembering our conversations driving kids to the beach going to dinner and seeing a movie, all that seems so trivial but it’s a huge deal after not seeing the outside of the house for so long I have really come a long way in the last 12 months. This was me last April and I am just as grateful today as I was then.

Peace and Health to ALL xxx

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Never Again

Well it has been ages since I have been here so to let you all know I am still I am.My last post left you not knowing what happened with our house guest so I thought I better start with that.
My accommodating nature and kind hearted nature came to an abrupt halt at about 8.30 on a Sunday night. Ben and Kyle both had to work and B was upstairs having a shower and I was taking clothes up when I heard a huge smack and then Kyle swearing at the top of his voice. He was headed up when I came out to see what the hell was going on. I met him at the top of the stairs he looked up at me with a huge bruised eye and red face he proceeded to tell me that our house guest had hit him. WELL as you could imagine this mumma sprung into action pushing past Kyle going down a dozen stairs stepping on only 2. I found our guest sitting on the lounge with his face in his hands shaking his head. Now I am a lot more mature and grounded then I was a few years back, I have fought my demons and I am quite calm by nature BUT I just stood in front of this man all 6ft 5 of him shaking with rage demanding to know what the hell he thought he was doing. It was like a bad movie I pictured myself grabbing a knife and stabbing him in the heart……….now I know this is a brutal thought but I couldn't help it. I have done a lot of growing and sacrificed a lot to give my kids an environment free from violence and pain, so when an invited guest comes into my home and violates my trust and the security of my family I tend to get a little upset. I waited for his reply, it was weak and pathetic. I am sure nothing he could have said would have appeased me but he just said he snapped. Not good enough. I ranted and raved and went ballistic at him but held my composure if only for the safety and emotional health of my family. I told him to get out then went upstairs meeting a bewildered Ben at the top of the stairs I briefly explained what had occurred then sent him down to make sure he was packing. It was pouring rain and I could hardly contain my frustration and anger. I was going to get the axe and smash his car in but that obviously would have only prolonged his departure. I paced the house wanting to break things all the while making sure my girls were upstairs and Kyle had ice on his swollen face. Ben rang his boss and said Ky would be a little late and he would explain later. It got the better of his boss and he rang back concerned by the call. When he was told the problem he was disgusted and aghast at what he heard, Ben proceeded to tell him that if our now evicted guest was ever to work for him again that he would loose him and our boy. His boss said that it would not be a problem; I was pretty impressed by his support and loyalty. Anyway it’s over and I have learnt my lesson in future I will say NO to helping a stranger with no where to stay. I will revert back to being overly cautious about the people I bring into my life. I thought I could relax a little, my guard was down I was starting to be more open and trusting of people. I was trying not to let my past create an unreasonable barrier between me and everyone else. I am so upset by what has happened but I am also glad its all over and he has gone. The thing is I knew he was different and had a few problems but I also thought he had some respect and at least a little self control but this was obviously not the case. So there you have it the good Samaritan has stuffed up again and allowed someone into her life who was a danger to her family.

Never again my friends never ever again.

So thats it for me for now I will be back again very soon. Mum is much the same and neaceys sister is in rehab but in good spirits so other then that all is going reasonably well.