Sunday, December 31, 2006

Christmas Festivities

Hey everyone, My Christmas was lovely family gathered with abundant amounts of Love and food and food made with love and food and food and food (giggle)
I was bursting at the seams I ate more in one day than I have in 6weeks.
We had a wonderful day in the pool and out as it was so hot here, I envy the white Xmas in front of the fire and beautiful hot meals one day I will get my white Xmas.

All my children were with me, my mum and Ben's parents, my brother and his little gal it was fun and laughs all round. My first Xmas day in 6 years with all my kids not being with there dad.

This joy has taken its toll I have slowed down considerably I haven't at all been very well hence my lack of posting but I have tried to check in on you all when I can stand the light off my lap top. The girls are in Cairns for 2 weeks and after New Years his sister Amii will have left and the house will only have Ben and I here. It will be peaceful and I am looking forward to the break and some special quiet time with my Honey, B.

MMmmmm 2007, I have big plans for this year or I definitely feel 2007 has big plans in general it will be a year full of new and exciting things.
I am being made charity coordinator for the Gharna orphanage so I hope I can do it justice.
I am excited but apprehensive at the task especially while I am so unwell, but its okay it will come together eventually. I think there will be another move in our midst before the end of the year but I am leaving it up to the universe and my god to direct me as I cant and don't have the energy for major decisions, I believe they will present them selves to me when the time is right.

So Happy New Year my Sweets, I will be back as soon as I can.

Peace and Health to all and Hugs and Kisses at midnight xoxoxox

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Big Mud Puddles and Dandelions

Big mud puddles & yellow dandelions (this is good) Author Unknown.

When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard.
My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.

When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away.
My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back.

When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm so I sit self-consciously and listen. My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own.

When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk. My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing.

When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that. My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."

When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets. My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with.

I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children! Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!!! "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."

I Loved This

Be thankful this Christmas...

Be thankful this Christmas...

I read this on Bek's blog and thought it was well written and very true.

If you have food in the refridgerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75 per cent of this world.

If you wake up in the morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have money in the bank, in the wallet and spare change in a dish some place, you are among the top ten per cent of the world's wealthy.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of arrest, torture or death, you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you never experience the battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pain of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If all your children are still married, you are very rare, even in Australia.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you are a healing touch.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can but most dont.

If you can read this messge, you have just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and you are more blessed than the two billion in the world who cannot read at all.
As you read this and you are reminded how life is in the rest of the world, remember just how blessed you really are.

I take this opportunity of wishing everyone a very happy and peaceful Christmas.

I am not a whinging "New Australian". I am a very happy migrant who managed 40 years ago to escape from the Iron Curtain of south Eurpoe - governed and ruled by fascits and communists.
God Bless Australia and its people. Nick Szego, Queanbeyan.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Christmas Eve Dedication

Strength Courage Amazing

There are to many words why this young man gives me Hope and why he is our HERO

His momma says it best and I linked You to her

Its 11.30pm Christmas Eve...............................
I feel good I am Happy I am sad I just Am.............

I did a meme a little while back there was one question that I left, Do you have a Christmas tradition, and what is it?
I answered Honestly, I am still trying to come up with one to have for my family now, at the time it was just a question.
But in the wake of the tragedy bestowed upon Darlenes son my answer has changed and our tradition started this very night.

Before our meal we thanked the lord for the food we were about to receive and we also started our new family tradition.
The birth of Christ has meaning for me I am not ashamed of my beliefs as I was a child and I don't hide the fact that I believe, in saying that I don't broadcast the fact either.
To me my faith is personal it is a part of who I am and I try to be the very best person that I can regardless of this faith, as I am sure most people do.
Our family tradition was to include mark we prayed as a family for a miracle and we prayed united as a family encircling the love and strength for his recovery. This we vow to do every year for always, we sat in awe of his triumphs his strength and projected our love and strength to him and his family during their darkest hours.
This we will do every Christmas Eve, the miracle is happening his determination evident his struggle humbling but this is our tradition, to be in Prayer each year well into his recovery and his long road ahead and then beyond he and his family have touched me so profoundly that we will always draw strength from his amazing battle and will to live for his beautiful Momma.

This Christmas is different its different in so many ways. I sit here and can honestly say as everyone in the house is sleeping and its just me and you. Sshhh (there asleep)


And totally in AWE of Him

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Christmas Prep

It is Saturday here. I braved the last rushes for shopping not wanting to wait for Xmas eve the shops were full of red faced frustrated people in and out of lines dodging the runaway trolleys patiently or not so patiently waiting for that all so wanted car park to become available and kids with tears of are we done yet and just wanting the serene slumber of their beds at home away from the craziness.
Ben did really well, his patience was commendable and he still had smile for the Nana's who find him ever so sweet. (precious)
I have just finished I think, wrapping preparing and organising everything I can so when my in-laws arrive tomorrow I don't have to do too much (yeah right) wishful thinking.

My injection was yesterday and they are getting easier, my side affects are getting less and less each time, putting aside my few little sickly episodes which you know about well the eventful ones (giggle). So anyway I am coping better with treatment at this present time. (thank God)

I am so looking forward to this Christmas, my reasons are wrapped up in having all four of my babies together with me on this day for the first time in a long time.
I do miss my kids being with me all together, when did they get so big, when did they turn into independent little beings with minds of their own, when did two of them leave me.
This year has been huge for me as far as learning to let go, both my older children, so young still, but out on their own making life's journey into this world alone, making their own mistakes and forging memories and learning lessons that they will eventually pass on to their own children one day.
I miss them so much but I am also blessed to have them all with me this year healthy and happy.
The hardest part for me in having kids is letting go I hated the independent stages. I embraced and enjoyed it for them but inside I only ever wanted to do it all for them.
Feed them hold them rock them to sleep. I will never forget the countless number of people who said I was making a rod for my own back, who are they kidding? My kids were never a chore the 2am feeds were my quiet and absolute alone time I cherished every sleepless night. I could have had 12.
I tried for 6 and would of had them if I hadn't miscarried twins between 2 and 3 although 4 is enough, even if only for the financial burden, but I dreamt of so many more.

I cant wait to catch up on the progress of the orphanage. I truly am so excited my heart loves to love kids and I am bursting with the need to give that love to the babies who don't have it.
We are not financially stable we are not in the position we thought we would be but we have love and almost my health. I am sufficiently satisfied with where I am. I have new friends and old that I can embrace into 2007 and I am happy.

The two little ones will go to their dad before the new year and Ben and I will have some well earned one on one time together we do need that we have had a stressful year. But I am Happy.
That is all I need to end this event full year I hope you all can look back at 2006 and find joy in where you are this Christmas day as I have.

Love and Peace and Health to my new found friends I seriously, seriously couldn't have done it with out you all.

Merry Christmas xxx

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Prayers and me

I almost felt as though I couldn't or didn't have it in me to bother saying how I am or how I went.

Against the advice I gave Deb about her situation compared to mine. (Her Back Surgery To Come)
I told her in an email not to compare situations as each persons problems are unique and individual and in no way worse or better in each of our personal lives.
I told her not to feel as though she shouldn't feel scared and apprehensive as I could empathise with her journey in spite of my own, I am with her and want to be.

I told her that at her present, her situation is indeed huge to her at this present time and a journey worth, with worry and pain sharing and worthy of my prayers and everyone who is sharing HER situation her experiences are real and just as important as some of our own shocking stories.

I only realised how much love and support you all have in your hearts when I read your comments in my short post for Darlene.
You gorgeous people I so Love you.
You all asked how I went and want to know about me also, this really is amazing to me that I have met so many like minded Hearts as much as my heart and prayers are with D I still love to catch up on your own lives. "Bless you all"

I have decided that by posting my last few days would not and can not take away from the tragedy in Dar's family and by telling my last few days I am in no way being disrespectful of their pain and our plight in the power of prayer worldwide for her family.(I hope you agree)

Well I gathered my strength and my babies, I piled them into my truck and headed for Brisbane.
It took just over an hour and we sang and laughed all the way my girls were such a support to me. Ben was at home recovering from Scarlet fever as I mentioned before so my babies and I went it alone.
I went to my sisters house first and received lots of hugs and kisses from my gorgeous nieces and spent a few hours with them. Then on to my high school girlfriend who I just adore and got spoilt by (as did the gals) for the night. I picked Dana up from work and dropped her home(just a quickie) and then made it back to Lyndells where I slept restlessly pending the visit to the crematorium. I had an okay night I think I was running on adrenalin.

We met with the aunt and I took my other uncle with me there were three brothers, my dad the youngest, then uncle Charlie who has just passed and uncle Jim the only living relative besides me and the eldest of all three. He and Uncle Chic had a falling out when Nana died leaving them with few words spoken over the last 18 years but he was his brother and thought it only right he be there to farewell his brother who was very grateful and we have formed a new bond reminiscing over the old times.
I met the aunt at the door of the office with my girls breaking down at the thought that she would be so heartless in her act but appreciative of the opportunity to put my uncle to rest.
I wont go into detail but needless to say it was difficult but the ashes were transferred to me with a short meeting. I was given the photo of my nana in the war times and we parted on strange terms as she is adamant on me not receiving a copy of his will. (strange but accepted)

My uncle will be placed under a rose bush a beautiful white one in a garden in view of my dads ashes and plaque at the crematorium. I thought that was best to try and keep the brothers together as Uncle Jim will be there also one day.

It was a draining day and I still feel she is definitely hiding something but I haven't the energy or the resources to do anything about it. I am just so glad that I have finally got this organised.

I am still unsettled my body aching and my head fuzzy with a severe migraine that I am keeping at bay with more drugs.
All of my babies my love and joy that is wrapped up in each of them will be with me soon and I hold that close to my heart they will get me through this and Ben is feeling better and now I can be held in his arms with out fear of catching his fever so life is working for me and my Christmas will be full of love and togetherness.
There will be daily Prayers for D and her family and we will do this as a family over this time.

I wish you all Peace health and Happiness.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Power of Prayer

Our Beautiful Darlene's son Mark, has been in an accident most of my friends found me through her so I would appreciate special Prayers for her baby. Most of you know but for those who dont Please Pray for Mark you will find her Here.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Amazing gift

Well that's the weekend over and done with a new week begins .(I prefer to forget the last two)
I am going to Brisbane today(Monday) to stay with either my sis or a friend to try to prepare for Tuesday morning when I see the aunt and get my uncles ashes.
I hope she is gracious enough not to cause a scene, I know both physically and emotionally I am truly not up to it.
I have kind of decided to put him at the crematorium near my dad under a rose bush where they will be able to stay together they were very close and I love them both dearly and I think he'll like that. I will have my own time and ceremony for him and lay him at peace, I am sure that's what he would expect from me.

On a lighter note Jen made a comment about karma the other day in reference to maybe having some on the way.
The most generous thing happened Sunday afternoon when my friend up here; who helped the other day rang and asked if I would be home this arvo, of course call in t will be nice to see you.
She came in and I thought it was because I am baby sitting their cockateil while they go to Canberra.
Well she turned up with a man by the name of Doug whom I have met 2/3 times as Shanti house sits for him while he travels.
He has met both my girls maybe twice and thought they were very polite and awesome kids .
I was appreciative of his remark it makes me proud to think they display the values I have tried to instill in them.
They proceeded to come in as I offered tea or coffee and that was excepted all round.
Then Doug announced and asked if it was ok with me could he give my gals a xmas present, How lovely I thought the poor things are short on those this year but happy we are all together.
They proceeded to open their shared present while I made coffee.

Until SQUEALS of excitement bellowed through the house. I was about to see what was going on and shanti grabbed my arm and said before you look this is something he really wanted to do so please say its okay. Then I was worried...................................

My girls were still squealing when I went to see this joyful gift and nearly collapsed. This near stranger to us has give my two babies a shared apple mac laptop computer worth a couple
of thousand dollars . I freaked it is to much honestly I cannot except this all though the thought and your generosity is amazing.
He proceeded in great detail why he wanted them to have it and he is also donating some to the community centre. He followed by saying high school is tough enough and I have installed it the latest software for them as well, please let me do this you all deserve this. I am to tired to write now, to say anymore abouy this incredible man but I will when I am feeling a little better.

I cried (as usual) But I am so grateful to this stranger and his kindness in our time of need for something good to happen.
I feel so blessed and still a little shocked by his generosity, I am still trying to understand why.
I am so very grateful though and am very humbled by such an incredible gift.

Well off to bed getting ready for Brisbane I will catch up with you all when I retun.

Peace and Health xxx

Friday, December 15, 2006

MMmmmmm where to start.
Yoy know how last week was for me this week had to be better......and I will let you decide!!

Its all just a bizarre set of circumstances I feel as if my house has a dark cloud over it at the moment and the only time I write anything that's interesting is because of the shock value of WHAT ELSE CAN GO WRONG

I have to laugh seriously, I am beginning to think its just me.
I know its not and awful things are happening everywhere but I just want a break and feel the sunshine on my face.

Okay this week has been pretty awful for me and I discussed this with Bek as my sweet girl keeps a constant vidual ringing me to check on my days (bless my girl I so love her)
We are having a great Kac(laugh) at my expense, the whole D.Q (drama queen) name has emerged from our laughing at my adventures these last few weeks.

Tuesday I drove to the specialist should of been a simple task its only 20/30 mins drive Ben came home after 10 hour night shift so I let him sleep and ventured off on my own.
The thought came to me about 15 mins into the drive, that this may have not been such a good idea.
My lovely body decided to start to spasm on me having me shake uncontrollably, I started sweating profusely (my aircon is on the blink) but I was cold anyway.
Then came the tears oh my, they should hover me over the drought stricken parts of the farming community and they would of measured at least 6 inches of rain from my damn leaky eyes.
Well I made it, JUST , getting out of the car with a short walk to the surgery normally an easy feat. BUT................with great finesse I locked my car and started making my way in.
I don't know if you can picture this but my legs were like jelly I looked like the scarecrow out of the wizard of oz when the crows were attacking but walking very slow.
I made it to the bottom of the stairs inside the building and proceeded to walk (if you can call it that) or drag myself up the stairs my body still writhing like I had parkinson's.
I paused half way up(not knowing there was a lift, DAH) and I felt a warm hand upon my shoulder.
Oh thank god someone to end this torture and just get me into my doctor.
I turned to see the most precious 80 odd year old woman with a cane who said, she takes the stairs for exercise but I look as though I should have taken the lift.
SHIT.... I mean what the, this is what the lord sends me in my time of need.
Hello what are you thinking?
I am laughing on the inside at this point, seriously, this was ridiculous.
The darling 80 year old with a walking stick proceeded to help ME up the stairs.
I am absolutely dying of embarrassment cursing myself for not having any control what so ever, scared to death that I may knock this poor woman down the stairs.
It was the longest walk of my life to that door to where I knew I would see the man who could make some sense of this, my doc is calm and sweet, very honest and down to earth, we are on a first name basis and I think hes great.
So deep breath.................the nana opens the door to let me in I'm thinking thank god, a calmness no other patients. YES a win.
I grab the counter to balance myself.
THEN all hell breaks loose the receptionist screams my name at the top of her lungs then runs up and down on the spot waving her hands in the air shouting wheelchair, wheelchair, Sharon, wheelchair.
Are you frigin kidding me shut up for gods sake I am OK just get me into Don.
All that came out was SSsshhhhh (really please) SSssshhhhh

In an instant (which seemed like an hour) my shaky ass was sat in a wheelchair and she was wheeling me towards Don's room I finally get out that, NO I am not going to vomit, thankyou for asking. I just need to use the bathroom please.
Oh you cant do that buy yourself in that state how can I help?.
She looked terrified which confirmed I must of looked a real treasure (smile)

I am ok, truly just let me be, thank you so much, really I can do this.
Right that done I am back in the chair heading towards my doctors room when I hear him from a side room yell my name and step out in front of the chair hands on his hips and he exclaims with all the reassurance of a qualified and professional specialist.
"what the fuk is going on with you"

Well needless to say all i could say with a little loudervoice than I meant to, tears rolling down my flushed cheeks "I I I HATE YOU" don't talk to me.
Fat lota good that did I was there to talk to him and be reassured that I was indeed normal and this, This, THIS , whatever it was, is was definitely a temporary set back.
He proceeded to wheel me in get me a glass of water that only had a drop left in it by the time it reached my lips and I indeed looked as though I had never even made it to the toilet, I know this shouldn't be embarrassing but your kidding right.
I am a strong independent woman. I pride myself on my conduct under stressful times (usually) and here I am dribbling convulsing and crying in front of a man I hardly know, with people in the background whispering about the circus that has just hit town (i was the circus act)
I couldn't do a damn thing except look at him as he watched me study my own situation as I laugh and cry at the same time about the predicament I had myself in.
My weird sense of humour and ability to laugh at myself is, as I have found out, one of my true blessings.
This whole thing started to settle in the next half hour and his explanation was sinking in and the fact that he was giving me more drugs to fix my already drug induced symptoms was well, ok as long as it helped, a necessary evil..............but I couldn't drive home.
So here I am stuck in Maroochydore with a car I couldn't drive, a body I couldn't control and no way of getting Ben.
I, being sweet or stupid turned off his phone and took the home phone off the hook so he could get some well earned sleep.
What to do?
I know only one person in this new town Ayeshas best friends mum, surely I cant ring her. Shanti is a gorgeous woman and we get along famously BUT we swap kids and have coffee. How can I ask her to go to my house wake up Ben drive him down drop him off so he can drive me home.
Easy fixed (blahh) I still couldn't talk properly and the receptionist was beside herself having me on a bed in one of the rooms for an hour while my doc went off to surgery so after her persistence I gave her shanti's ph. number and she rang. Of course she did exactly what was asked of her and was very gracious she is a gem.
Ben comes in to collect his gorgeous gal (yes I'm kidding I looked like hell) and we headed home I was doing ok until my head was getting to heavy for my neck I was in pain and body was starting to get a bit spasemy no way, I am not doing this again my chest hurt and it was hard to breathe.
Ben my darling Boy doesn't do well with stress or major events that is why we are perfect together my strengths his weakness vica versa kinda thing, you get it.
He drives straight to our local doc white as a ghost sweating more than me asking me to tell him what to do as he couldn't think.
Geez Ben, I cant stammer out 2 words.
I cant breathe.
I am rocking the frickin land cruiser which is 2 tonne side to side with my uncontrollable body how the hell am I supposed to know, this makes me cry harder and him drive faster.
You get the picture.
Again I have to make it past people staring at me in concern and wonder as they thought the circus was in Maroochydore, but no it was here in the Eumundi local doctors.
I was there about an hour ecg. and all. I am such a D.Q giggle.
In the end I come good I come home and sleep my aches and pains away.
WEdnesday I wake up unwell but that was expected.
What wasn't expected was the rash covering Tayla's (no.3) entire body and the temp that followed.
She has Scarlet Fever "YAY LIFE IS GOOD" (sarcasim is the lowest form of wit) oh well
Its Friday you know how I love it I have to do my injection and wait for another onslaught of weird crap that is sending me mad.
And guess what?
Ben has woken up sore throat rash and temp.
Confirmed by Doctor. He is not happy at my fit of Hystrics, I nearly peed I laughed so hard.

Yes my week is complete I am about to have my injection no. 5.
I am shaking like I am scared(but I am not), my body not my own.
But hey I am LAUGHING its funny.
I am serious, the Drama Queen in me thrives on the funny side of my present situation.
I hope you get a giggle aswell it is and was funny(distressing and sad) but seriously try to picture in your mind a snippet of my week. What else can I do BUT Laugh.

The only thing is...... if my next post says RASH on ME thats it the gloves are off, I mean it.

Peace and Laughter is where I am
One day at at a time
I hope you have laughter in your days and broad smiles on your dials.
Okay Tuesdays over wednesdays gone Friday is here, Whatever, just do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

First Five!!!!!

I was one of the first five over at i'm keeping my word and posting this on mine, too.

"The first five people to respond to this post (via the comments section) will get some form of art made by the lovely ME. (Be afraid I am not very arty but I am playing)

Ruby reminded me art is in many forms. Giggle....WHAT Have I done?

The only catch, of course: as with most memes, if you sign up, you have to put this in your own blog as well."
My Gift will be in the new year my sweets as we are all full on right now :)
C R E A T E something for the first five. If I have to so do you!!!!!
Please send me an email with your address, too..... And then be Patient very Patient....Giggle
1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? Definately the chocolate
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? always wrapped
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? We have little white ones
4. Do you hang mistletoe? no
5. When do you put your decorations up? Girls did it end of november (very Keen) This is our first xmas in a long time together as I always let their dad have them especially for his mum
(but she is passed now, god bless her)
6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Roast Pork and apple sauce
7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? waking up to bells outside the window thinking it was the reindeers I was about 3 (i miss my Dad)
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I cant remember
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? The kids do
10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? Chocolate chip or Jam drops
11. Snow! Love it or hate it? Want to see it BADLY!!!!!!
12. Can you ice skate? I used to be able to but now? not sure has been a while
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? My Trampoline
14. What's the most important thing about the holidays to you? My Kids, Always and togetherness.
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Pavlova fruit and cream (thats Aussie xmas YUM)
16. Favorite Holiday tradition? Havent got one at the moment (thinking)
17. What tops your tree? an angel
18. Which do you prefer--GIVING OR RECEIVING? Giving always makes me feel good
19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night (wish I could sing)
20. Candy Canes? Kids only, I have never had one BbLah that sounds weird Huh

i'm tagging whoever is so inclined....Or the first Five ofcourse if no one comments then I will know youve seen my artsy side LOL

Guys I am back and reading but CANT COMMENT on hardly any SO spewin......
I am with you though if it keeps happening I am going to list you so you feel my Love from a far.
Just thought I would say you dont have to play unless you want to. So do nt be afraid to comment. Just tell me if you want to play.
But please say Hi if you stop by. xxxxx


bloggers messin with mycomments

Tonight I finally stop and through the day try to catch up with you lovelies but I CANT LEAVE COMMENTS Bblahhh Some not all but I did read and love you all.
Not happy I want you to know I was with all of you and some got my comments some didn't il try again tomorrow as is nearly 1am and I am going to have to sleep some time.
But before I go bb had a great post I couldn't leave a comment but I agree with her amazement of what happens. I believe we always one way or another do link up with exactly who were supposed to. And my head cant connect with my fingers.

Its all good..............but bloggers naughty.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hello my friends I am sorry I haven't been around I haven't even read anybody's Happenings.
I am so sorry for that, I am not very well and I cant really concentrate. I cant even journal my days as I don't want to remember. Edit (that sounds to dramatic)
It is just a tough time I think its withdrawals from my new mates. BAh hahhh........Hang on that always looks better when bek does it.

My white cell count is the same so that is really good news.

I hope you are all well with school finishing and xmas nearly upon us. I will have a lot of reading with you all to do that's for sure.
I have just had a phone call from My in-laws something that they have been trying to get started is an orphanage in Garner West Africa.(this link is not theres) It seems this dream of ours may just come to fruition. I am so excited to be involved it is very close to my heart. Ben and I cant have kids of our own, four is all I was blessed with, then I had Cancer my dream of a huge family of kids was cut short at 25 I always wanted to start a camp for underprivileged kids to be able to visit a farm stay as such but Maybe this is why I have always thought that there was more for me as far as more children are concerned this maybe it. I didn't think I knew what I was going to as far as study was concerned once I am feeling better was but nursing sounds like a good start and I will get used to the sounds of the wilds of that country(smile) even part time. This exciting news is just what I need to keep me going.
Dreams are what I need right now and giving a MuMMas Heart full of unconditional love to children who don't feel that anymore, would fill me with the greatest of contentment possible. The land is being donated from a lady in London so this truly may come to fruition..WOW

Love and Hugs
Peace and Protection

P.S. Vanessa, how cool is the link thang (Thankyou Sweet)

Friday, December 08, 2006


I am just writing to tell you all how my heart is filled with joy and sincere gratitude of your many kind words.
I am struggling today and have not had my injection yet but I believe it will go well. I am just a little run down. Back to the specialist on Tuesday for results of Blood.

I am going to leave u on this short but amazing note though.
I BELIEVE in Prayer..........
I BELIEVE in Positive Thoughts...........
I Believe in Karma..............

SO.......The Aunt, I rang her, I had to,

I am picking up MY Uncles ashes on the 18th. As you can imagine I can not in words express how this makes me feel but needless to say Justice is served and I believe your thoughts of love and goodness your hearts and friendship has given this most perfect gift to me. He will be with family who loves him until I, ME, decides where he would want to be. I believe he has had a hand in this and I also believe this is what he wants and he will give me answers to my questions of where he is to be layed to rest. I didn't have to ask I didn't really say anything I was to upset she offered this, so for what ever her reason I am just grateful.

This is not what I say in haste nor do I say this lightly but I have such Love in my Heart for you who have supported me this past few days from abroad. To Love you, is all I have, but it is a gift to me also.
This last few days has been so awful but your comments and e.mails had given me so much peace its more than the power of 1 it has been a divine intervention of all of you and for that I thank you.

I am so very very Blessed.
Much Love to you my Sweet FRIENDS.


Wednesday, December 06, 2006

There is not title to this, it makes no sense to me at all.
Well okay, I am in shock, I umm am just overwhelmed by what has been said and done to me today. I have been treated with such disgusting disregard of my existence that I don't know what to do. To say I am devastated is a huge understatement, I am honestly just amazed that someone, another human being with a beating heart has torn me apart to this extent. I don't even know where to begin. So please bear with me I have to put this down to try and make some sense of what has happened.
I had a phone call today from an Aunt by marriage, she has been separated from my uncle for something like 10 years. My Uncle and I were very close he was my godfather, he lived with my Nana as did we and he did until she died. He was my dads brother and my dad was my whole world until he died when I was 12 that is when things changed but one thing that didn't was my uncle and I. Yes we had fights but that's normal. I spent more time with my uncle over anyone after my dad died and then my Nan, We had each other that's it as far as family was. I didn't have a lot to do with my mum at that time.(she lost it when she lost Dad) He was even there for me when I gave birth to my first 2 kids and spent a few months out of every year with me in Cairns until I moved down from there. I don't know about you but it sounds close when I say it, it is close, I know what we have. He was going to give me away at my wedding to Ben after my treatment next year.
My ex and I were married in the registry office (but he was there)
Well....... it was close and all who knew me knew this most important of all we knew this.
I had been having a bad day, a migraine that I couldn't get under control. I kept throwing up the meds that I had, so needless to say not well and not up to confrontation.
Okay that's fine I can deal with that.....................
Then......... I have a missed call on my mobile.
I was unable to get it in time. A voice mail was left by the Aunt.(they never divorced)
It said as Follows.....Sharon I am ringing to tell you Charlie is Dead if you want to ring me my number is the same as it has been always.(it had been maybe 4 years since her and I spoke we never had an argument we just drifted apart as you do and she didnt live with my uncle, so....)
In shock of the news and the coldness of her tone, I rang her back straightaway and as you could imagine I didn't say much I couldn't say much. I am still trying to understand what the hell has happened at this time.
She said... Is that you Sharon I obviously said yes what has happened?
I cant believe what came next, all in one breath she told me he went to Hospital Friday, he died Monday, she cremated him this morning (Wednesday) his house is cleared out, she has given away what she didn't, want and that's what he would of wanted.
I couldn't breathe, I still cant, I still didn't say a word.
What do I say to this person?
What do I do now?
What in the hell has just happened to my world.
I am crying, shaking, vomiting and dumb founded.
She continued to tell me how great her grand-daughter was WHAT? (I don't know her I dont care) She then said she was putting my Uncles ashes on her ex-husbands grave and that's where she wants to be also, so the 3 of them can be together when shes gone. This was her second breath.
My uncle didn't know him. They weren't even married until he was 55 they haven't children together and they have been separated for like ever.
What the Hell is going on here?
I don't know what to do or say, I don't know if by posting this it makes me look like an idiot or that I am after something from someone but maybe I am.
Answers...... is what I want.
Direction....... is what I want.
To not have this woman tear the rug out from underneath my already unsteady feet......
....... is what I want.
Peace....... is what I want.
To hold him one more time is what I want.
To tell him I love him is what I want.
For him to give me away is what I want. But what I want doesn't seem to matter SHIT.
I want To know how anybody can do this to anyone is what I really want.
I want To know just what to do now is what I want.
What I don't want is sympathy.
What I don't want is to be so sick that I cant think.
What I don't want is to be feeling so lost and unsure of everything I have ever thought.
What I don't want is to get into my car drive to Brisbane and choke the living shit out of this person who with 1 call, 2 breaths and many actions has shattered my world.
I cant make sense of this.
I don't understand, I really just don't understand what I do now. I don't know anything
WHY WHY WHY that's what is plaguing my already fuked up head.
Why? wouldn't you call me you couldn't have just forgotten me amidst the turmoil of telling everyone there was only me, just me ,I was his only family fuk just ME.
She said she was the only one who got to say goodbye.
She was the only one at his cremation.
She was the only one because I didn't know.
Oh my God What has she done?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

A Mixture of my Rambling Thoughts For Today

I have been thinking today which is always scary as i am not as articulate as I would like to be and I tend to ramble and loose track of my thoughts at the time. I do feel however that it doesn't matter what I say but how it makes me feel once I have released it, like a huge weight finally being lifted off my weary shoulders.
I find myself entangled in a sea of emotions that I find are soothing and somewhat daunting at the same time.
Its hard not to get involved in the joy and also at the desperation and raw emotions of the people who allow me into their lives on a daily basis.
I find hope, inspiration and a meaning to what just "IS" in these strangers lives.
The beauty of their words, the kindness of their spirit and the humour in the snippets of what they put on to the page heightens my awareness of how awesome each person is individually.
So many lives are touched and hopefully made better by a few simple words left by a stranger or friend which ever is the case.
An understanding of not feeling so alone in the battle of our day to day lives is always a good thing.
To learn a little more each day from what is written in ones own words about themselves is such a precious gift to give. Sometimes the words that are written then read, hit a chord so deep within ourselves, we may not of realised or had the courage to share that part of our selves with others.
So reading the same from others releases the burden of our own feelings of loneliness. The thought that we are alone in our experiences or thoughts can be very scary especially if you feel there is no one to share this with.
To feel connected even in silence can help mend wounds of our own being with out ever having to admit to it out aloud if we cant bring ourselves to do so.
Some people are so much stronger in certain areas then others and have no problem sharing, but some may feel totally overwhelmed by the same or similar situation.
I don't think this makes anybodies feelings less invasive or hurtful any harder or easier, it just means some can share and accept this easier than others. That is what this does for me and what I love about everything that people from different background and cultures do for me also.
I can relate to some and empathise with others. I learn so much about myself and all of you at the same time .
I get lost in their lives and feel their involvement in mine. I really feel blessed by this.
There are things that I have written and hidden due to not wanting feelings of judgement by others. I have also sometimes felt like I had to say something good even if I wasn't quite feeling that easy with it at the time. I don't feel as if I was being dishonest. I just wanted to feel that way so that's what I projected and that works for me. (mind over matter kind of thing) because some days I feel like I having nothing left at all. Imagine putting it out there day after day oh whow is me, I believe that I would not move forward from that somehow trapping me by what I was saying to myself.
I have allowed myself such freedom to express my true feelings here, more than I ever have before. I feel so much lighter, my heart doesn't feel like a burden to my soul quite as much as it had.
My verbal admissions out loud have always been difficult for me. I was of the opinion that if i said it out loud and my brain hears it then I would have to admit that it was real and I haven't always wanted to admit to my own reality. So the verbal me used to say, I'm good its fine don't worry everything is okay, it doesn't bother me at all. I used to lie about my feelings and worst of all I would lie to myself and that didn't get me anywhere. Strangely enough I wouldn't lie to anyone else as I did to me.
So I am proud to say I am now honest with me. I allow myself to hurt, feel and Heal. I don't think I have to be perfect or always happy and okay.
This is me being better to myself than I ever have before. I have always been a very very good friend to others ignoring the most important person in my life ME and now I believe I am important.
Because of this I think have so much more to give others because of the kindness I have learnt to show myself. I think I still aim to please a little and I am still working on saying No if its to my own detriment but it's a start and life is full of learning and curve balls so I will continue to try.
This world has helped me put into practice the advice I have always given to those I love.
I am learning to treat myself with the same respect that I have always tried to show others.
I want all of you to know who reads this that If you haven't already, start taking the advice that you would give your nearest and dearest. Most of you do I hope. I am just a slower learner but this is my insight into me. Today anyway.

Monday, December 04, 2006


Okay I have Been Tagged by The Sweet Vanessa

So here goes nothing:

Four Jobs I have Had (not in this order)
a: Hair/Make-Up artist and coordinator for Japanese Weddings
b: Showroom manager-Plumbing company
c: Self Employed Owner of Building Company
d: Bar Attendant in Night Clubs

Four Movies I would (have) watch (over and over)
a: Requiem for a Dream
b: Boon Dock Saints
c: Grease (that's going back a long way)
d: Rocky Horror Picture Show

TV Shows I like to watch (all Medical stuff)
a: Greys Anatomy
b: E.R
c: All Saints (Australian)
d: 60 mins

Four Places I have visited
a: Bali
b: New York
c: Malaysia
d: San Francisco

Four Websites I visit Daily
a: Wilkepedia
b: BLOG Yay Yay (obviously) Heaps!!!
c: Nine MSN News
d: ( I don't know)

Four Places I would Like to be right now
a: With Ben at Jimbaran Bay (This is were we got engaged in Bali at sunset)
b: Horse Riding with all my kids Through the rain forest in Daintree.
c: Curled up on a mattress talking with my eldest babe Danicka until we fall asleep.
d: Having a Bon Fire at the Beach with all my new blogging Sweets (Oh Yeh)

Four Favourite Foods (This is Hard)
a: Japanese Foods (sushi; all of it)
b: Italian Food (all of it)
c: Bananas, Strawberries WooPs Fruit All except Pears
d: Cheese (brie especially)

Bloggers I'd Like to respond (if they can or want)
a: Bec
b: Angela
c: Jen
d: Claire

Well there you go that's a bit of me. I cant always get my head around anything decent so these are kinda kewl especially for a fill in when my mind is as cloudy as a bushfire in 40 knot winds.
I will learn how to just put a name or place and you can link. I feel really stupid that I am the only one who cant do it, but you will have to deal with my cut and paste at the moment, sorry.
I just worked out a little while ago how to do that (giggle)
Thanks for your excitement over my great weekend I really did feel good, Today has been okay
I slept a lot though just catching up I spose no vomiting just a headache but hey I am blessed to have had those few serene days. I am so grateful for that.

Health and Peace xx

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Great Weekend

This was the view as I sat up on my mattress Sunday morning... Jealous????????

FRASER ISLAND : was my view we were at inskip just up from Rainbow Beach. Click on the link below (ohh Im clever)

Bec, Wade and of course me absolutely cacking myself.
I had the best Time!! I was hardly sick at all. Friday night well lets just say YEHAH I was really good no convulsions no vomiting no chills no migraines. I'm so exstatic I am sure its all your prayers and blessings and a lot of resilience and faith. I can not explain how blessed I feel to have felt so well this weekend its almost a miracle. Thankyou!!!!!!

P.S. Bec your pep talk really worked, I believed I was going to feel good so thankyou for reminding me of what I can do for myself. Positive thoughts ........yep

I was standing in the water looking at the southern most tip of Fraser Island which is the largest sand Island in the world. AGAIN I cried (tears of joy this time) admiring the beauty and blessings of my life that what right before my eyes. I was there with the love of my life. Ben's oldest friend Wade whom he has known since he was 6 and Wades fiance Bekky. It was lovely to laugh and enjoy just being, it has been a rough a year for them as well. Wade and I met over 5 years ago now and we clicked straight away we have such an open honest and endearing friendship. I can say without reservation we love and respect each other and the fact that Ben is our common ground it brightens the beauty of our friendship.
My lovely friend Bek at is one of Wades sisters and they lost their brother Brett tragically this year. It was Brett's wake where Bek and I met.

Brett, he was one of those amazingly sweet people where nothing was to much trouble, who loved life and everyone in his life, you would be amazed at the closeness between those two brothers they lived together and played together, a bond I have never seen between two brothers ever before it was a joy to see.
Wade has felt Brett a lot since his passing and has seen him in the house and feels very close to him still. Wade and I are on a similar page with things like that and my experiences have led to many deep and revealing conversations, we all laughed as were packing up because he could hear Brett telling him we weren't doing it right we almost stopped hoping he would do it for us, just the way he liked it. He was pedantic with things like that.
I still think he had a hand in Bek and I.
I'm sure he was watching her and I thinking to him self OH O what the hell have I done these two are mad and are going to be Trouble (giggle) I so cant wait to see her again (which is so soon YAY)
We talked and laughed and remembered what a great guy Brett was. (with joy and not sadness)
But we also just laughed.
We were having fun just because.
We had good company with the love of sweet friends.
ME feeling the best I have in ages in one of the most amazing places in the world.
What more could a girl want, if I have a shit week next week even the week after, its okay because this time will keep me going for ages and ages.
But I think I have turned a corner and I am hanging on to this feeling with Prayers and Positive thoughts of wellness.

Ben Thank you my sweet for doing EVERYTHING I love you and appreciate you more than I can say.

This was our tarp were we sat and ate (I ate food)
Cooked and talked and I watched everyone enjoying beer and bourbon while I sipped juice and water contently though I may add as It was blissful.

(Angela no alcohol until after treatment so the red has to wait, please have one for me)

Wade and Ben. I love seeing these two together they have been mates for so many years and they crack me up just fun and laughter all weekend. Bekky Wades fiance and I laughed and talked about the boys when they went fishing enjoying getting to know each other better.

Well I am home and I am flying high on Life. I really hope you all had at least half as much fun as I did.

P.S. Bek, I will pass on the return Hug from Wade when I see you sweet girl or if were lucky group Hug at Dreamworld. (It is under discussion)

Friday, December 01, 2006

Happy Weekend Yal !!!!

Fridays........ I am not a fan to me at the moment Fridays mean:
An injection (that I know make me feel like s*#t) so I don't plan Friday nights anymore and push myself Saturday mornings because the girls need me and I love weekends.

Fridays what I used to LOVE and what I'm looking forward to when this is over.
The end of the week meant friends family and fun to me!!!!!!
Fridays was always a special meal to to sit around and discuss our week with love and laughter. A movie and dessert curled up in bed after the kids were asleep with my B.
2 whole days with the kids to do what ever we wanted:
Saturdays were sport, lunches and or BBQ's visiting with friends and sleepovers we always had a lot of kids at our house.
Sunday sleep ins BBQ breakfast going to the beach or creek for a swim relaxation and cooking for the week ahead, muffins and sushi rolls, biscuits muesli bars and the preparation of salads in containers for sandwiches and wraps.
These were just typical weekends putting aside special occasions and camping at the beach or visits to the in-laws when they lived on the island.
Things are a little quieter now we live an hour away from everyone and even further from some. Its okay at the moment because I'm not the best of company really at the moment. I thought I was prepared for the side affects and for the most part I am, the physical stuff is painful but I'm strong and defiant with that, its the emotional stuff I am finding a little daunting, I'm very sensitive at the moment and a little agitated (okay maybe a lot) A lot of your posts are making me smile through my leaky eyes and I am really loving every ones words. But for example today we went to get some fruit nothing wrong with that, Ben and I were together so nothing to be upset about, but my mind gets confused and my words are jumbled sometimes not being able to reach my lips who desperately want to say the simplest of things or explain the easiest of tasks so I stood over the mushrooms tears streaming down my face for no reason, hiding behind my sunglasses (inside mind you, what a freak) Ben hugs me which makes me worse so I push him away embarrassed by my display and desperate to stay in control, but that is whats happening. There are few posts lately that have touched me deeply, recently there have been some really potent words from some and I find them so amazing. To the ones that make me smile and also the ones that make me sob like a baby I really want to give recognition for what your beautiful souls have done for me. Once my dear Bek comes up I am going to steal her for 5 mins so she can show me how to link to you guys when this happens. But until then my comments or e.mails have spoken for themselves I hope I always mean what I say. So for me this weekend looks bright!! other than being sick we are going to spend time with friends(for a change) at my favourite spot "yay" sick or not we are going. So until I catch up with you again stay safe enjoy yourselves and have a great weekend. Il post pictures for sure.

Health and Peace x