Friday, June 29, 2007

Have a good Weekend

Peter and I (a picture of a picture, Pfttttt sorry its midnight now cant be bothered scanning okay I lie Bens not here and I don't know how, don't laugh GRrrrrrr)
This Picture was taken about 5 years ago with my longest best-est friend before I got really sick. Kinda missing my body, yep and way missin my hair oh shit I will be me again so not to worry, I am alive and very lucky very blessed but lets be honest very fat and pretty damn ugly these days. LMAO just kidding guys don't be outraged Im not fishing for compliments seriously just joshing. About the fishing for compliments any way ;)

Well things are going pretty smoothly, life is getting a little easier, each day a little brighter.
I am able to plan ahead and pretty much make those appointments (well most of the time, okay were working on it but nearly)
Injection went well and things are Happening.
I am off again this weekend to Brisbane I am going to see Lyndell and I will help with her vege garden. Pick Ben up spend time at my sisters girls Christening Ben is God Father, hes not Catholic but certainly Christian so hey he loves the title.

Drop my girls off they will go between Kel, Lyndell and their Besties from Brisbane when we lived there, so I am busy again.

Its good to know that I can do that without much drama the migraines have laid down to sleep so my head is feeling lighter. I'm still off with the fairies I am still not big on this whole screwed up head thing but I'm working around it.

I will see all my Babes together Sunday which I cant wait for and my Natural mum is in Brissy for the event so it will be good to see her as well.

I don't seem to have anything to say its strange, its not that I don't want too, but its as if I am like just super boring LOL

I don't know its ummm different but anyway just another hurdle.

When things get hard and you think you want to give up or whine about being over weight or having really shitty hair, something like this Video speaks to you and you slap yourself and Thank God for the Blessings in your life.

Well I do anyway, its worth a look.

Stay well my Friends and have a great Weekend.


Damn Phone, woops my bestie be back in a sec.

Well I just spoke to my dear friend Peter, next year we have been best friends for 30 years.

This is a post I dedicated to him when he was at a low point and it was one of my really early posts. So staying in the theme of keeping in touch and making sure these people know how much I love them as I have been a little remiss and have a yearning to make sure they all know.

Anyway see you after the weekend and this my pal Pete.

Peace and Health to All XXX

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


The SELAH Bens parents Boat.

Is going on the slip this week it has work that needs to be done anti fouling painting a new sonar. Majority of the work is volunteer and much of the products donated.
Ben will be for the next week to help out.

The Selah is used for so much good and God has provided to keep it a float so far, all though the in-laws pay plenty from their own pocket.
They donate their services to the Leukemia foundation and will be working in with them to give carers and kids a break from the daily grind of chemo and treatment and just timeout to enjoy the bounty of the sea and nature in all its glory especially the ones that haven't had the experience of boats and the ocean. There are many kids and families from the Bush who have never seen the sea let alone been on a boat.

Ayesha especially loves her time on the boat she loves Nature and takes great joy in the little things, a beautiful sunset a sea cucumber soldier crabs that scurry beneath the sand and make the most perfect little balls of sand to let us know they have been there. All her friends have been discussing birthdays many want to visit theme parks, ice skating movies and parties.
Ayesha wants to take two friends on the boat to show them how amazing it is and why she loves Kim and Ray the way she does.
She knows Blessings and believes they truly bless us just from being who they are. She reads the bible with them and discusses topics of miracles and prophets and considers her role as an adult.
In which direction she will go with a career, its hard at such a young age (12) to know what you want to do. She is such a caring young girl she is affectionate and hasn't a harmful bone in her body. She discusses quite freely missionary work, Teaching and working with special needs children or orphans in Africa.
This wild redheaded child who has the looks of an angel blows my mind and my heart bursts with pride at her maturity and sense of charity at such a tender age.

Ayesha took these pictures she loves the old feel of the retro look.

Enjoy your day and keep your loved ones close, if not call them and tell them there loved.

Life is too short my friends, take care and I wish you all that you need.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Many reasons to SMILE

Can happiness be taught?
A happiness conference was held in Sydney with speakers including the Dalai Lama but can people be taught to be happier?
Being happy doesn't come naturally to everyone, says Timothy Sharp, founder of the Happiness Institute. His organisation runs a range of courses designed to teach people how to be more content in their personal and professional lives.
"Happiness means different things for different people. There is no doubt that people can change the way they think about things," he says.
Dr Sharp's 21 tips for a happier life

Tip 1: Make happiness a priority. If happiness is not at the top of your list then other things will take precedence.
Tip 2: Make plans to be happy. Just like in any other life domain, the successful pursuit of happiness requires planning.
Tip 3: Set happy goals. Following on from tip two, planning requires effective goal setting.
Tip 4: Do things that make you happy. Although this sounds obvious, many people simple forget to do things from which they gain pleasure. And do them as often as possible.
Tip 5: Set yourself tasks from which you’ll gain satisfaction. Make sure that when you’re planning your tasks and activities you include things that might not be fun, but from which you’ll gain a sense of achievement.
Tip 6: Play and have fun. Don’t take life too seriously. Although we all have responsibilities there’s no reason why we can’t approach much of our lives in a playful manner.
Tip 7: Identify where your strengths lie. Know where your faults and weaknesses are to avoid problems. Know where your strengths lie to be really happy and to succeed in life.
Tip 8: Utilise your strengths. Although we all can and should endeavour to improve in areas in which we’re weak there’s just as much, if not more, to be gained from focusing on the maximal utilisation of your strengths, including all your positive qualities and attributes.
Tip 9: Be curious. Constantly search for new ways to be happy. Keep a look out for new ways to approach life and to have fun.
Tip 10: Be grateful and appreciate what you have. There's no doubt, that gratitude and appreciation will significantly increase your chances of experiencing happiness.
Tip 11: Learn to like and ideally to love yourself. We must love before we can be loved. To love others and to be loved by others is a key component of happiness.
Tip 12: Invest time and energy in to your key relationships. Happy people spend more time working on and in their relationships. Happy people tend to be more supportive of other people in their life.
Tip 13: Socialise and interact with others as much as possible. Happy people have both more and better quality relationships. So as well as working to improve the quality of your relationships (as noted in tip 12) it’s also worthwhile working to improve the number of your relationships.
Tip 14: Weed out unhelpful thoughts. Learn first to identify your thoughts and then begin to challenge those that are negative and unhelpful.
Tip 15: Plant happier, optimistic thoughts. As noted in Tip 14, there are two parts to developing helpful, optimistic thinking. The first is to weed out unhelpful negative thoughts and the second is to plant more positive, optimistic ones. This is essentially a skill, and like any other skill becomes easier and more effective with practice.
Tip 16: Live a healthy life. Eat well and keep active. Exercise regularly. Although not impossible, it’s difficult to be happy if you’re constantly sick and not very healthy.
Tip 17: Ensure you gain adequate sleep and rest. Consistent with Tip 16, it’s difficult to be happy if you’re constantly tired and struggling to find enough energy to get through the day.
Tip 18: Manage your time and priorities. Happy people tend to believe they’re more in control of their lives. In doing so, they’re more likely to take an active approach to solving problems.
Tip 19: Control what you can control. Accept what you can’t control. And learn to be wise enough to know the difference.
Tip 20: Live in the present moment. The only moment in which we can truly be happy is the present moment. The only moment over which we have control is the present moment. So be happy now.
Tip 21:Develop happiness routines and make them a part of your every day living.
I have to say I am HAPPY my white cell count has nearly doubled, WOOHOO it is low but doubled, it is just as I thought other than the migraines I'm good, good, good.
I wont say for know because I believe its for always I am keeping positive and this was just the boost I needed. Better and Better each day 32 weeks can you believe it. I only have 16 weeks left. A walk in the park guys, a stroll through the woods.
Life is good friends.
Take Care of each other: I wish you all Health;Happiness; Love and Longevity.

Specialist Day

Well Tuesday for me means Specialist Day Good results......... I Hope.
It’s about 1am Tuesday and yes I am awake, but its okay because my bedroom is all I have seen for the last 5 days I made a small appearance but I was back to bed within the hour. I have been up and out of bed since about 1 in the afternoon and since then I think I was on the phone for like 5 hours all up poor Ben my first day up and everyone else had my attention. I am taking him to lunch tomorrow to make up for it.

I had my bloods done and I am thinking my white cell count is better (I am hoping), other than the migraines I am quite well and actually been really busy other than the last 5 days lol.
I feel blessed to be only having Migraine's it could be worse.
I have a christening on Sunday My lil sis Kel’s youngest two babes are having there special day Ben is God Father and a little chuffed at the title.
I will spend Saturday night at Lyndell's again and help her set up her vege garden before I make the trek home Monday (fingers crossed).
Ben is leaving this Wednesday to be with his dad; they are slipping the Boat and need lots of hands for anti fowling, painting fixing and boat things.I get out of it this year as I am not strong enough but I am going to be well enough next time as they deserve all the help they can get and I am a little bit handy so that helps. I really do enjoy physical work. I love achieving and seeing the results of hard work. I am not as capable as I once was but I will be back and hopefully better than ever when treatment is over.

Well I must try to sleep, sounds strange because that’s all I have been doing but I need to try and Re-cycle my body clock I still haven't caught up with you all but I will get there.

Peace and Health to All XXX

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Look at my surprise

Hello everyone my absence has left me missing out on so much and I am looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My insomnia kept me up until 6am and then I slept until lunch time when I headed off down to the Gold Coast.
I spent the night down there feeling great spent another night with my girlfriend Lyndell still feeling great, spent a day with Danicka who was unwell so she had the day off and we spent it house hunting.
I then came home to my babies B included LOL. Then late Thursday I had my injection and my head started to thump and I haven't left the comfort of my bed as I was struck down with a migraine that has only just lifted enough for me to check in and then I am back to bed.

My girls went to the PO box at lunch time and waiting for me was a beautiful package of scrap booking gear enough to keep me very busy indeed. All this this from my gorgeous babe Bek she is such a honey and I love her so much. She is having another babe and I cant wait to visit her later this year after her bub is born. I haven't gone through it all yet but I am so excited. I need to organise a special spot just for working on it all I can't wait.

I am back and will catch up very soon XXX

Peace and Health To All

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Its 3 am I can't sleep so I thought I would share my vege garden it has taken off since we had some rain I took these pics the other day.
I have been eating the zucchini's and the snow peas we have tomato flowers happening and we have been enjoying fresh herbs daily.
I tried to get a good nights sleep as I was going to Ben's Mum and Dads to drop a trailer off but as things always go I shouldn't plan anything.
I am not sick, I just can't sleep, I had a headache earlier and was feeling a bit crappy for a few hours but I am still pretty good.
I really do not want to make the 2 hour trek without sleep but we will see how I go.
I hope everyone had a great weekend
Peace and Health to all

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Awesome Weekend and Feeling Good

Sunday- Ben and I went Here we only had to walk 500m down the street and we were amongst artists food and wine lovers alike
MMmmmmm Doughnut sticks. LOL B's weakness
Look closely at the Menu my overseas friends.
Feeling invigorated and well.
The reason I am perky. My two mates surprised me with a visit. Well I did have some notice about 2 hours to be exact. Lyndell- "Shaz take some pills I am coming up"
ME-"Yay okay done its 11am I am still in bed but I am getting up and I will be fine by the time you get here.
Lyndell rang again while I was in the shower suggesting I take extra pills as Tania is coming as well.
LMAO no worries it will be done double up what the hell.
When you get to the next picture you will see why.
Tania's cute little bum after about 3 hours into the night.

It was so cold. Okay...........not snow cold(I have never seen it) but for us bloody cold.

I just had the greatest weekend in ages. Now the wedding was good but I was unwell and it was such a huge trip that it was hard to not feel battered afterwards. But this weekend was perfect.
The girls come up and as usual it was hilarious. We deadset have the sorest cheeks and aching bellies from laughing so damn much. They arrived Saturday arvo and we went to the local pub to listen to the live band for an hour before coming home stoking the fire and catching up on the gossip.
Now I have to admit that in the past, I have woken up on many day afters wincing and feeling sick about the night before. Not just hungover but that OMG what the hell did I do last night feelings. I am a shocker for it and everyone knows it hence I only get drunk amongst my nearest and dearest who I know love me no matter what kinda dik I make of my self.
Stripping, Fighting, Snake Wrestling (Don't Ask) complete recklessness has a special place on the drunken shazza's repertoire but since treatment there have been no real big events (okay one, but Lyndell SHUT-UP reminding you of the golden rule Honey)
Anyway Lyndells babe Christie and her new boyfriend came up. I love her deeply and would defend as my own no questions asked. She is 6 months younger than Danicka so I have known her from day dot. It was kind of funny that she would want to bring the new young man in her life up to spend the night with us as when we girls get together we tend to be a handful. K's reasoning in her own mind was Shaz is drinking so she wont be her usual self. Her mum promptly reminded her that all though I may not be drinking Shazza is always going to shazza. LMAO this poor young guy copped it from us and came out on the other side I must say not too badly.
I do have to say though the Entertainment award though last night goes to diidididididididididididididididididididididid Drum roll ..................Tania, Ohhhh she is sOoo lucky.
It could of been a lot worse, it was only us here to remind her of she made of her state and not people who didn't love her like we do and we really do love her as much as we hang shit on each other we are very close and it shows when we we are so relaxed to be complete and utter numbnuts and no one gives a shit.
It really is a nice change for someone else to provide the entertainment as it is usually me and so for now I am handing over the Queen Crown to the BIG T you go girl. (for now)
Now my darling Tania, what you may or may not know we have the video of our beautiful state last night but because I love you it falls under the Golden Rule so, NO You Tube.
Do ya still LOvE me? lol
Well my sweet girls. Thankyou, as always for filling my life with Love and Joy.
I love you both so much and how could I not feel good when your around.
I am still feeling good even though you have gone and I miss you totally.
Please come again soon because you are my natural medicine and a good dose of you always makes my day and my weekend.
It has been 24 years Lyndell and I do not regret one of them, we have never had a fight or an argument and you are always there if I need you.
I love you so much and I hope you know that you are the sweetest funniest and bestest friend a gal could want.
Talk to you soon X

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Enjoy the Sunshine

I slept until 2pm Thursday nights mingling into days and then nights again. I just couldn't wake up. My body hurt my head hurt I couldn't move or didn't want to. The day light through my timber blinds would not allow this girls eyes to focus while they struggled to open. B left at 4.30 am to go to work I was dozing finally by this time. I awoke to him coming home from work this afternoon. I couldn't believe I had slept that long there went my list of things I had to do instead the girls did some and some will have to wait until tomorrow.
This treatment can turn my body clock upside down, the mingling of days and nights seem to me that time is passing by so quickly, yet my treatment seems to be moving slowly but I also feel as though a year of my life will be gone, my only memories written here for me to read back on.
I have been having my needle a day early so Thursday is the day for that now and it seems, I am sick leading up to the injection, then good for that day then, sick again, as if my body starts withdrawing just before. Its a strange feeling to know when its due and having my body tell me.

My skin is darkening and each week you can still see where my last injection site is.

I am Happy today I am okay, the sun shining through those blinds that annoyed my eyes also defrosted my aching bones when I finally left my place of slumber and went outside to try and soak up the last warmth of the day. Tomorrow I want to enjoy more of the day so I will try to wake myself up earlier.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Thoughts at 1am.........Look out

Tonight I had a nearly 3 hour conversation my sista gal Deb. We talk at least once a week and considering I am not big on phones we never run out of things to say. I love this about her there are no boundaries no miss-communication no tip toeing around subjects nothing is off limits. There are though, lots of respect lots of understanding and lots of love and support and more laughter than I can handle sometimes.I feel we cover such a wide variety of subjects that my mind is still on fast forward long after the receiver is down. It’s not so for her, as when she is talking to me I am one day ahead and 7 hours behind. So my 4pm Wednesday in the arvo is her 11pm Tuesday night. Anyway today we discussed the generational differences between adolescents of today compared to our mothers or grand mothers and how its harder now than ever. (Some heavy shit comes up in our conversations hey?)
It was sparked by comments made to me by my daughter and by a friend Deb’s.
I have used a computer and been on the net only 7 years I still have friends who are unable to turn on a computer especially stay at home mums there kids on the other hand, it is second nature all though not to my 20 year old so go figure. My 12 year old helps me Sshhhhh.
It is more wide spread now than 7 years ago but I know there are parents out there of some teenagers who do not have a clue what there kids are doing on the computer or the net.
All though it’s a great tool and it has opened the world up to endless possibilities but does the freedom of speech and the means to research anything hurting rather than helping some. The internet has no boundries for those who now there way around.
Each generation when they are young usually listen to their parents repeat the same words they always swore they wouldn’t repeat when they heard them.
When I was your age Blah Blah Blah. I still pull myself up and look back at my past and the vision of my Mum throwing her hands in the air saying what’s wrong with the kids today in my day things were simple. We went to school we did our chores if we were lucky we played with our friends and maybe had a bag of lollies, we walked everywhere and their weren't any phones or computers or drugs and we were fine. Bored how can you be bored?
My mum had a tortureous child hood and I am surprised she was able to handle things as well as she did but thats another story.
Different groups clothes and cultures all with different influences and our parents saying they don’t understand the youth of today. The 50's 60's70's and now into the mellenium my how things have changed. Now I find myself with 4 kids of varying ages whom I would say have had no real trauma or hardship compared to some. I would have to say that most people I have spoken to have concurred that our parents complained there parents complained and they mostly thought each had it easier than the generation before.
I don’t believe that of this generation, even compared to 5 years ago when my eldest was in High School teenagers dealt with different issues no where near as bad as now. I had a pretty tough time from the age of 12 but think my kids have it harder dealing with a new problem a different problem.
We have a fad, a generation of an emotionally solemn group called emos, we also have kids that are doing disturbing things other than drugs and getting pregnant at a young age.
Times are tough and are this generation of parents too busy? Are some of us over protective?
Are some of them in the dark? What’s going on? Are we a generation of parents switched on to our kids? Or are all generations playing catch up and will this continue? I say no, I refuse to be absent from my kids from my grand kids.The things that face our kids now are scary to me. I know our parents were scared and thee parents were scared, the sheep and follower’s mentality scares me, the need for drama the need for obscurity from the norm and a need to be a part of a new culture, a need to express a so called individuality. Most are not individual they are part of the pack they wear the same clothes listen to the same music cut their hair in a particular way and dwell on being sad and depressed. The fashion industry cashes in on it, really bad bands cash in on really bad music, the same hair styles. There are web sites on how to be emo and related sites on depression like a two step program and they dream of dying.
Some but not all of this culture have turned to the new emotional release that they say is better than drugs and it is needless to say very disturbing the new rage and what my kids are witnessing in their school is CUTTERS. These kids can come from a variety of back grounds not just bad. Some are closet cutters some are very open and enjoy it being known that they cut as it is cool (to them) They say there have been cutters through many generations some have been miss diagnosed as suicide attempts. I do believe it is one of two things a cry for help or an attempt at manipulation and attention. Either way scary stuff, some do it to be like the others, some do it to dwell on there own self demise and don’t tell anyone.The scariest part of this whole thing is we the parents NOW it was rare in the past now it is not, it is abnormal to us but normal now to my teenager, her words are they all do it mum, she is not a cutter and not an emo she is not a follower but a true individual. She is as surprised as me by the sheer velocity of kids playing out this ritual. It is openly out there words carved into these kids’ arms legs and stomachs for all to see (for some) my question then is what are there parents thinking surely you cant miss it?
You are buying the clothes for one, you are paying for the hair cut and the black dye you allow your kids to spend hours alone in their room or with like minded kids and accept they are only kids sowing their individual personality, are you kidding me.
Where the hell is your head?? My 14 year old daughter who has not been sheltered from the ways of the world and the news and the not so nice side of life thinks this is strange why they don’t is beyond me. I would be asking some damn serious questions about the word death being carved into the back of my Childs leg. I would not buy these clothes or let my blonde haired teenager dye her hair black and then let them be alone on the internet to look up suicide how to web sites. I would know, you would notice the change and not accept it as teenage transition. Wouldn't you? The other problem is those who cut and only share with a select few and hide their wounds are the truly troubled or are they attention seekers also?
What are the questions being asked by these parents because I can’t work it out?
I worry about my kids I restrict their lifestyle and teach them values morals right from wrong acceptable and not. I just assumed that most of these parents would also, but no apparently not. I do believe the majority do and I am not here to bag out parents of emos or cutters or any other particular so called group but I am disturbed.
I have sat and had lengthy conversations about other kids with my girls not a select few but generalised about this girl they know or this boy they know that I don’t. The stories I hear are just blowing my mind,we dont take time out to talkand make a group discussion that is planned we just talk daily about their day. Some of these kids are from wealthy families the so called well respected two parent homes without any real worries or do they?
Can they legitimise this kind of behaviour?
Is it genetically programmed into some kids?
Is it environmental?
Is it from trauma or lack of something?
Is it physiological that some kids are drawn in certain directions and others not.
Too many questions not enough answers as far as I am concerned.
I just feel extra blessed tonight that my children are not into this new phase or fad. I am glad I am not a part of these enabling families ignoring this generational blackout. I am glad that my normal is still my children’s normal and that generation gap has not hit my home to that extent.
I feel blessed that my kids discuss good and bad behaviour with me and that they aren’t afraid to talk to me about anything and that is there words.
They tell me they think there lucky. What more could a mumma want than for her kids to feel lucky without any monitory value in their minds.
They feel blessed to have a mum however sick annoying, weird, loud and embarrassing she may be.
They feel blessed to have a dad not their biological father in their lives, who adores them, even if he yells sometimes, is sarcastic and tells them off if they are doing the wrong thing.
They feel blessed for what they have to eat each night.
They feel blessed to have warm clothes in winter and blankets. My kids see life as a gift not a given. I am proud to say the least and its funny I thought we were the strange ones.
What will be the next generation’s pain?
Will this be a passing phase or how far will this go?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

My next Tattoo

I want a Phoenix some where, I am thinking maybe the back of my neck.
The Phoenix was originally a symbol of the cycle of the rising and setting of the sun but over time evolved to become a symbol of human resurrection. On Roman coins the phoenix represented an undying Empire. In the early Christian Church the phoenix was a symbol of Christ's resurrection and everlasting life. The phoenix represented the victory of life over death.
Denise I am quite scared about the back of my neck so if I sook it out do not laugh.

Lotus Flowers and Peonies they are the basis of the tattoo I will be getting after treatment on my foot. I will have a Lotus Flower being larger near my second last toe and then a few small peonies either side going towards my ankle and then back up to my big toe. Hard to explain but I will show you when its done. (obviously lol)
Most tattoo enthusiast feel that the a lotus tattoo represent life in general. As the lotus flower grows up from the mud into a object of great beauty people also grow and change into something more beautiful (hopefully!). So the symbol represent the struggle of life at its most basic form.
Lotus flower tattoos are also popular for people who have gone through a hard time and are now coming out of it. Like the flower they have been at the bottom in the muddy, yucky dirty bottom of the pond but have risen above this to display an object of beauty or a life of beauty as the case might be. Thus a lotus flower tattoo or blossom can also represent a hard time in life that has been overcome.
Peony and Peonies Tattoos - But rather than merely being a simple symbolic example of Yin and Yang at work (see also, Yin-Yang), the peony is a powerful tattoo design element in its own right. Peonies are for us Deb,Yin and Yang LOL
The Peony is a flower with a history of cultivation and veneration that goes back thousands of years. In Japan and China, the peony is a floral symbol with meaning on par with the Chrysanthemum, the Lotus and the Cherry Blossom.
As a tattoo design, the peony symbolizes wealth, prosperity, and good fortune. According to Japanese tattooing tradition, peonies also symbolize daring, risk taking and the gambler's or Samurai's devil-may-care approach to life. A gambler's next bet may be his last, a true Samurai according to the Code of Bushido, or The Way of the Warrior, lives each day as if it may be his last.
I believe in living each day like its my last but I must admit I need to put this into better practice, my tattoo will remind me of this.
The peony is a potent symbol of beauty, of the fragility and fleeting nature of existence and the knowledge that acquiring great rewards comes only by taking great risk.
I am a little unwell and just so tired at the moment but other than that I am doing okay.
Peace and Health All XXXX

Friday, June 08, 2007

Ramblings of an uncertain mind !!!!!!!!!!

This morning I lay awake with a ache and a twinge in my body reminiscent of previous days. The ones where you just want to miss the day outside and go back to sleep and see if tomorrow brings something a little brighter than what you have woken up too. I don’t want to start on a tangent of whoa is me because many of my days are okay and I am usually not up to writing if I am not. The beauty of blogging is having the opportunity of hiding your words and choosing to publish, save or even delete that helps me express myself and what ever I am feeling because I know I have a choice but as we all know by now I rarely hold back. I am very indecisive about certain things but I really do still love choice. I believe there are things we choose for ourselves and things we dont. In saying that I also believe that is how you react and deal with these choices that determines and defines who you are.

We all take advantage of choices daily.
Today, I ask the question to myself am I choosing to be depressed and sad without good reason?
Am I choosing to be agitated because I am angry at my situation at the moment and is that natural?
Am I just being a snappy bitch or are the things I am feeling valid and my concerns within my emotional side warranted, or do I listen to my doctor when he says the drugs change you and make you agitated and angry and unsure with no real trigger so definitely do not make any huge decisions based on your emotions.
In other words work only with logic (if I still have that)
How do I know if I have a legitimate complaint?
How does my family know?
How does Ben know when I am me or am I changing or is it the drugs?
How do they not use this to there advantage to secure their point in an argument?
How do I know when they are or if they are, if its conscious or sub-consciously?
So what the hell do I do about it?

I know I have a problem with feeling out of control that stems from my past and I also don’t like feeling alone when I am not. I don’t want to be lonely if I am in a relationship. I may as well be alone right.
I am actually happy alone and I do not need a man in my life but I love the one I have and feel blessed that we are together.
How do I know what is a legitimate complaint or me just being a cow at the moment.
I am unsure when I am being taken advantage of or when I am being taken for granted.
If in fact I am the problem is not knowing. I always Know or maybe I just like to think I do.
If I dont I say but if I am sure I am sure, now I don't know a damn thing and I cant trust my insticts because they are dug f*#ked.
Is everyone just over it?????? as 48 weeks (11 months) is a very long time for treatment and the fact is that it’s not over then. I feel guilty about it, there is a lot of real uncertainty with my health? I am not scared nor am I depressed by the future, seriously I don’t pretend to be positive, I used too, but I am very honest now. I will be okay and will do what ever it takes and I will deal with my illnesses, it is my present that concerns me my day to day and what my family is enduring.
My older two who I thought were taking it all really well do not want to talk about it now as they said it worries them too much, they don’t want details which I can understand but sometimes I feel my she'll be right mate, no worries attitude isn't doing me any favors at home.
I am the one who picks everyone up usually and keeps the smiles on there faces and makes sure no one worries too much as I usually fix it and if I cant. I find a way around it.
I am good at it, it was my job and I enjoyed it, it is part of who I am and I like it. I am not complaining about that.
I do not sit and wallow, Hello? Where in the hell does that get you?
BUT today I am just a little perplexed and over everything. I don’t know what are my feelings and what are brought on by the drugs. I want my mind back, it may have been fucked up before but I knew it was mine LOL
I knew what was real and what wasn’t. I was sure of it and never questioned if my thoughts were my own or if I was wrong or right. I have strong feelings on most subjects and as I am open to learning more and embracing new things I have never had to question myself in this way.
I think I am driving everyone including myself mad. Now it’s easy to say Shaz it’s not your fault and when people love you they should take the good with the bad but my inconsistencies are very frustrating for everyone involved my lack of memory, energy and sometimes my confusion will create arguments and I hate when I am not sure. I will apologies when I am wrong. I have no problem with saying sorry. I do have a problem with saying sorry if I am right and when you don’t know if you are or not sometimes it makes for a lot of tension.
Not knowing how I am going to feel puts a lot of limitations on making plans for my family. Even short term actually especially short term but it drags out to week after week and then it becomes long term. It is my guilt that I think brings me down, being a burden and not being as strong as I have been, will I be that same person I was before? ever again, especially for those around me. I love being needed I love helping everyone out. I hate being a burden, I hate feeling useless and I hate being angry for no reason but that's where I am so there that’s me today.
Cute Huh? LOL I am just a rambling bored and agitated young woman who shouldn’t be aloud to push publish because instead of just punishing those closest to me I can make many endure my crap. Sorry guys forgive me for being a whiner or am I.
Shit I don’t know that’s the crappy bit.

Hope your day or night is full of peace, contentment, knowing yourself and being true to who you are and who you want to be.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Happy Happy 150 posts

When you love someone the last thing you would want is to hurt them whether it’s deliberately or accidental, well that’s me anyway.
I don’t like to hurt people that I don’t love so I do try a lot more when I care. I don’t consider myself selfish and I have been called many things in my life time but selfish has never been one of them and I do pride myself on that.I have grown so much wiser over the years I have realised many things and I have a lot (more lately) tried not to speak a predetermined feeling or reaction.
I have tried really hard not to say things like if this happened, I know I would not handle it or this is exactly what I would do. I think by speaking this and your brain hearing it subconsciously predetermines how you may react because you have set that feeling in your mind. I try not to rush to meet disaster I try to take things day by day and deal with them the best way I can for all concerned.
There was a time where I was the person you turned to when you needed something sorted out, someone who stood up and spoke when others didn’t and also the first to finish a fight if it was started. I would never kick you while you were down but I would knock you out if you messed with me or mine.
I am so much calmer now I have dealt with many issues in my life some that many will never deal with and I am so happy at the thought that many will never experience the pain I have.
I also pray for those who have.
Now I suppose I am trying to gather myself these days, deal with things in a manner that I would prefer to then the previous one, yet still achieving the same result. My kids have often been told to do as I say not as I do.
I know this was a cop out at the time but I was young, the mother of 4 and had already lived a life of women twice my age. Its not an excuse but it is my reasoning how ever misguided.
I do not do this now well at least I try not to. I do want to be the one that walks the talk and usually that involved a tiny 50kg frame (110lbs) with a tongue sharper than a samurai sword and a right hook that left me standing while others fell to their knees.
Okay that sounds terrible I know but now I am a big sook, advertisements for peaches make me cry for goodness sake so come on I used to wear a mighty front and I hid behind it.
Being tougher than I am was my defence mechanism to keep from getting hurt. All though it didn’t but no one ever knew as I would never let them in close enough to tkonow the difference. I had never given anyone the key to those big iron gates that surrounded my precious heart because I was so afraid that someone would know I was a fraud a big fat liar and just a scared little girl who had no clue.
I had been hurt and I didn’t want that to happen again. I needed to be strong so I hid behind a façade. I was a tower of strength until.......................
B and I had only been seeing each other a short while when he said to me.
I want the key!! I was a little taken back and he repeated I want the key!!
Okay now you’re just sounding weird, the key to your Heart Shaz I will put it in a box with mine and we will protect them together. Now I know this is super corny but it had a lot of meaning to me. I was reluctant, He was patient. He now knows me very well he knows my secrets and knew them before any one else, so to say I love him and would never do anything to hurt him is an understatement, so to think I may have made him sick was scary to say the least.

It is a well known fact (medical fact) that hep c is very hard to catch and there were no proven documented cases of transferring it without blood to blood contact. My ex after 15 years was clear my children also and generally it was the rule of thumb your partner and family was safe. This was fine until my doctor told me of a husband after 20 years of being with his wife who had just been cured was diagnosed positive.
To him it changes his view and he wanted to check Ben again now that I have no detectable virus. I am here to say I did the opposite of what I usually do cool calm collected Shaz has been shitting her pants waiting to get the results of his test I was thinking so many things I nearly drove myself mad I was agitated angry and not a lot of fun. So through tears I am hear to announce he is clear. I was unsure how I was going to deal with the news if it had indeed been different but he is safe now and I can relax.

Thank God.

May your week be blessed and your worries lessened by Love.

Peace and Health XXXXX

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Ramblings of cranky X about angry X

Forgive my rambles i am just cranky and need to vent..................................

Well its one of those days, I am not sick or in bad pain its just a shitty day raining and wet and cold.
I am really tired I noticed last week I seem to get that way from about now until my injection its all a bit strange.
I am not into drama I hate drama I like peace and happy smiling faces and conversations full of laughter Mmmmmm I sound like a Hippie and that's okay, its true.
I have been awake for what seems like for ever, I only got about 2 hours sleep.
I had spoken to another blogger Whitesnake or Steve I think I spoke to both that day which was cool there both different one is gentle sweet and very metro-sexual the other is a bit snakier with a funny dry sense of humour.
Then I was so energised and happy when I got off the phone to My Deb last night I didn't think anything could spoil it but low and behold leave it up to the ex to be an asshole and ruin any good mood I found myself in.
He decided just this past Sunday night he was going to fly down from Cairns this Friday to see the kids for 1 night over the weekend and fly home. I thought that was great he hasn't seen Dana or Kyle for like 2 years and that was at his mums funeral he flew them up for 2 days he wouldn't let them go earlier to say goodbye, anyway he sees the girls once a year by his choice but of course its my fault because I left him and took them away. I left yes, for good reasons and left with custody of my kids and left him with the money. No courts or solicitors it was easy for us both he wanted money, I wanted my kids and we could not live in the same town.

In saying that, I drove 22 hours to pick them up. I had them ring him weekly and he has always had the opportunity to see them any time at a moments notice. I wanted him to have a relationship with his kids. My dad and I were exceptionally close and it was and is incomprehensible to me that a parent can not find more time than 2 weeks a year when they are very wealthy and have nothing stopping them from seeing their kids. Any way his loss all though I do feel sorry for him for that because we have amazing children.

The phone call started okay he told me his plans which included me getting the girls to him which is only an hour away in Brisbane and that was fine I said that if it wasn't me (as injection and treatment doesn't let me know if I can drive until the day) but it would be Ben or whatever how ever or who ever, I would get them to him.
I told him I thought it was a great idea he was coming down and I would accommodate him in any way I could, it just may not be me dropping them off.
I thought all was going well until he started getting angry with me.
Ex:- There’s always something with you isn't there I am making an effort it is very hectic for me and I am trying to do something right and its all too hard for you to drop them off . I should of just left it and seen Dana and Kyle and not told the girls because I should of known you would make it hard for me. I thought we could finally just have a coffee and a normal conversation but obviously not.
I repeated the fact that I had no problem doing my best to work in with him and I will get them to him but I may not be the one to do it, I don't see the problem with that I think your over reacting.
Ex:- fucken hell you sound like a salesmen.
Umm Okay I am now over his shit and cry as I tell him his life is hectic because he chooses it to be its only work he has no girlfriend or wife or other kids he is just a builder who put his work before his family and took his stress out on me. I told him I am fighting for my life basically and his life being hectic is not my problem and do I have to do all the work for him as usual to ease his guilt of not seeing his kids. That is why he only has his work now. I told him I didn't understand what was wrong I said I would get them there but obviously he wanted to see me and he didn't like the fact that he had worked out a plan (with out talking to me) and it wasn't going the way he wanted. He knows I am on treatment to him it’s just another thing toughen up and get over it. I told him to sort it out with the older kids and they can tell me where he is and IL get the girls there. I then asked why he couldn't, without being ass just talk normally and his reply was because I am not normal.
LMAO at that, while crying and trying to control myself from throwing the phone at the wall.
I then hang up so now I don't know what’s going on and I don't care the girls don't want to see him more than once a year anyway because he’s mean to them, they cry (Tayla especially) over his stupid conversations with them.
GRrrrrrr I am just so pissed off that he’s such an idiot. I have tried to make him out not to be the wanker he can be especially to the kids but they are older and know what he's like.
I can not continue to make excuses for him and quite frankly I am over it.
We have not been together for 7 years and he still tries to control and manipulate me.
He can still upset me and drag me down to his level and I hate that. I spoke to Kyle about it and told me not to worry that hes just like that and we know that, mum don't let him upset you.
Ben stays very neutral especially in front of the kids he is good like that.
I would never have someone bag my kids dad in front of them and he just would never out of respect for them. I do love that about him.
I am sure B finds it hard and he knows he still gets to me but not in a way that is detrimental to us. I was with Ex from 15 to nearly 30 so at the time half my life and I was still very young he is also 9 years older than me so you would think he'd of grown up by now but alas maturity and forgiveness eludes him and that is his burden to bear not mine. Phewwwwwwwwww

I pray he finds Peace and contentment in his life.

Monday, June 04, 2007

A few more pics of my Weekend

A few more pictures from my weekend at the wedding in the first pic I am dancing while being serenaded by my taller than I thought son. Do not give up your day job Honey you got your singing talents from your Dad and hes a carpenter, Hello?

Ben telling me I am not as funny as I think I am.
The lemonade in my wine glass does not look like champagne and shaz you cant pretend to be drunk as an excuse for not being funny. He always makes me laugh, even if it is at my expense.

Thera-Lea and I my beautiful god-daughter.
I am so proud of the Beautiful young woman she has become.
The Wedding was wonderful I just wish Danicka did not have to miss it.

Me and my BiG Baby he is my rock at the moment and always keeps me smiling.

Kyle caught the garter and Tayla-Rose the bouquet, now I know that's kinda creepy when you listen to the whole tradition thing but it doesn't mean they will marry each other like they were told. That was a face my camera wasn't ready for but lets just say they weren't smiling like this. LOL

I was in bed until lunch time Friday until I dragged my weary body up to pack for the weekend.
We didnt get the early start I would of hoped for and was unsure that I would make it at all, so the normally 3 hour trip (with stops) took nearly 5. We finally made it to my mums whom I had not seen since Christmas and we bought take away Chinese which is a real treat for her.
I grew up in this house from the age of 4 and left it at age 13. In that time I have only slept there maybe a dozen times. I am finally at ease to return and sleep in my mum and dads old bed which is now the spare room without having nightmares of bad experiences there.
I actually found comfort being in my Dads old room and even in the bed where I found him when he passed away. It was easy with Ben, knowing I was safe.
I kind of feel like its an achievement and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
I always visited but never actually slept there I would always stay with friends then go back there each day. That will be different now.
Mum tried to fuss over us and was amazed at how big the girls were getting and surprised that there manners and independence at cleaning up after dinner and making tea and waiting on Nana for a change, it was a lot for her to take in.
She is very lonely and I need to work on that after treatment. I want to go and renovate the old house just cosmetically for her and try to get her to consider selling and enjoying her life but we will see.
We left her place and checked into our Motel Mmmmm well lets just say it wasn't the taj ma hal and the bed was like a concrete slab but we survived. We were there earlier than son and girlfriend and this cheeky mumma knew girlfriend had a hangover and they would be about an hour So we short sheeted their bed put coffee granules and a square of paper in the toilet and took their biscuits and cups. Lets just say the scream from Nicole was priceless when she hit the bathroom on arrival. Then the phone went off that night with us giggling like little kids as they nearly put their feet straight through the sheet. So all in all it was a good weekend but I am paying the price for pushing myself to the limit. Thank goodness for pain meds but when I have nothing planned I try to just rest and push through and I am certainly not dancing or staying out till 9.30pm. I rested after the ceremony then hit the reception full of pills and smiles hiding my pain and the weariness of my body. The main thing is I pulled it off and had a good time. I hope everyone had a great weekend.

Peace and Health to All XXX

Sunday, June 03, 2007

God Daughters Wedding

I didn't get to talk to you before I went away for the wedding.

My feeling better was short lived and I went down hill for a few days. I was worried I would not make it but I did and I am a little better. This treatment is like a damn yo-yo, I never know from day to day how I am going to be.
Any how the wedding was Beautiful, I caught up with many very old friends way back to like when I was 10 years old so that was nice, it was also funny it was also at times a tongue biter.
I do love weddings for that reason.
I also like that some of these people I only see at Weddings LOL.
A few pictures so I get my bloggie fix until I fill you in on my weekend tomorrow as I am just totally worn out.
Peace and Health To All XXX