Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Do not mess with this mummas babes...............

After my little off load yesterday I thought I would tell you a little about my time away.
I left Friday afternoon and I am not bi-est. but honestly my nieces are way too cute for words and keep me laughing. I arrived at about 6pm Friday night and put a colour in kels hair we packed her bag and went over routines and talked about how hot she would look and how our baby sister would be spewin at how skinny she now is. lol
A little sisterly rivalry between those two and its a little funny.....well a lot.

Kel went to bed about 11 I suppose and we both had a shit night’s sleep but were up and ready to go by 6.30am. Kel borrowed some of my jewellery to wear and added it to her collection, she was dripping in gold and it wasn’t until we were half way to the airport that she realised she would have to take it all off for the metal detectors. She did but she also kept beeping as its winter here she had on a long sleeve shirt on and forgot to take off my armlet that was up past her elbow, after she beeped so many times they decided she should be randomly tested as a terrorist and checked for bomb materials so it took ages before she was settled and I found it pretty funny.
Saturday after lunch I took the girls for a drive back up the coast to get Uncle Ben and they were very excited, we had a nice night without too much drama and a quiet night.
Taylas friend Olivia came over for the night and Tayla had a party to go to at the Ice Skating Rink at 11am Sunday.
(From her school friends) So all worked out well with the timing and all. I hadn’t had a chance to take Tayla to get a present for her party so that morning I sent her over to the chemist to buy some perfume as all girls loose perfume.

An easy task you say or one would think?

What happened though, was the complete opposite and I am shocked that this has happened.
This is Olivia and Tayla, beautiful young ladies who are respectful, kind and amazing young women. So you will be able to imagine my dismay at the events that followed.

Now I am by nature loud and boisterous happy go lucky and it takes a lot to get me really angry I am one to laugh a lot of things off. I am not rude or generally aggressive unless pushed or unless there is injustice. Then I can turn into quite a scary woman (except for the aunt, but you know im also pathetic in my own defence)
The following event turned me from a timid little kitten into a fiery Tigress with nothing else in mind other than protecting her cubs at all cost.
The walk to the chemist is about 500m I was getting the babies fed and dressed and ready to take Tayla to her party and then Olivia home. We had a good morning and all was going smoothly until the girls walked back in a little distraught and looking a little shocked.
I asked if they were okay and wandered what was going on. Tayla knows how I get about the mistreatment of anyone let alone my own, so she said were fine mum, nothings wrong and then she gave Olivia the LOOK ............
Mmmmm if you are a parent you’ll know the LOOK (The Do not tell mum, LOOK) Olivia and I luckily have a very honest relationship as do Tayla and I. Tayla though really didn’t want to upset me as I am easily aggravated lately with being sick and have run a little low on patience especially for Rude obnoxious people who tend to categorise all teenagers or people into shop lifters, trouble makers, liars and who knows what else and they usually get away with it.
Now for those of you who have read about these two girls here know that they are a special breed of great friends and young ladies.
So anyway they finally spilled the beans on what happened.
Picture these well dressed 14 year old girls being the only two people in the Pharmacy at all, this is not a huge shop and where they were was close to the counter and there were 3 staff on duty to watch 2 young girls testing the perfumes, touching and browsing for the perfect gift, two friends who only spend a little time together these days as there is a lot of distance between them so they are giggling and walking arm in arm deciding on what to buy and enjoying the experience of doing it together.
They had been in this shop for all of 5 mins when a lady of about 50 walked over and abruptly told the girls that if they were not buying anything than to get out of the store.

Now Tayla said she answered her politely and in shock that they were in fact buying something, a birthday gift and were trying to choose which one. The woman raised her voice scowling and told them to hurry up!!!!
Now that was when I have turned a deep shade of rage and instantly felt my blood pressure rise, I continued to question the girls on their behaviour as I am sure that sometimes what they think is acceptable isnt always the case for adults and I am not an idiot and just think my kids are way too perfect, but they assured me they were telling the whole story just as it happened. So I loaded the kids in the car drove to the pharmacy with Tayla protesting rather loudly then begging in fear of what I may do this woman as I was just beside myself and shaking with rage.
She refused to get out of the car but Olivia complied, she was a little scared becuase of Taylas protests but followed closely behind me to the back of the store where the woman and the serving counter was.
The woman in question was serving an elderly lady and a young woman approached and asked if I needed assistance, the older woman looked at me then Olivia and with a hint of recognition by her, the look on my face said it all and I told the young girl politely that I wanted to speak to the other lady, but Thank you, she smiled nervously and went behind the tall counter further back.
The older Woman smiled weakly and said she wouldn’t be a moment but I held my gaze visibly making her uncomfortable and trying to breathe deeply to stay calm. (I wanted to grab this woman by the throat and squeeze and continue to squeeze, but I didn't)
I just took a deep breath proceeded when she was free, to ask her to the other end of the counter out of ear shot of customers, all the while the young lady and the pharmacist were hanging way back just looking a little wary of what was going to happen. They must of seen how badly this woman had treated my girls and I was unimpressed with that also but decided to focus on the person directly involved.I tried not to stammer or shake while I questioned her like a police officer over what the girls had told me, with no emotion or break in my gaze I told her what I was told and believed to be the truth I then gave her time to speak.
She followed through with a nervous defence statement that included saying that they have trouble with: shop lifters, un rully behaviour rude teenagers, people with asthma so spraying the testers are a threat and they were giggling so she decided that they should buy or leave.
I am now seething but I pause to let her continue then when she is done,I proceed how dare you and who do you think you are?
How dare you judge my girls instantly as shop lifters they had no handbags or back packs tight jeans and singlets on, they werent being shifty,(I asked and she said no) where in the hell could they have hidden anything anyway. They were not behaving un-ruly because I asked the opinion of the young girl hiding out back.
Once the woman told her side of the story which was pretty much what I knew but slightly twisted to her advantage the young woman agreed with my version of events (and I dared her to lie with my eyes) she confirmed that the girls were just giggling and smelling the testers.
They definitely were not rude, as I knew they are not those type of girls and any way how can they be rude to anyone if there aren’t any other people around to be rude to the fu*#ing shop was empty and as for the asthma problem, I told her I totally agreed and had problems with scents myself but why in the hell have testers out on display to be sprayed and tested if this in fact was there policy and hello there were no other customers in the store to be affected.
As far as I am aware there is no obligation to buy anything just because you go into a shop.
As far as I know not every 14 year old should be judged, tarred and feathered for a crime they have not committed nor should they be asked to leave a shop just because there teenagers and since when was giggling a crime.
I am and was appalled by this woman’s treatment of my girls and let her know without skipping a beat, she soon stopped trying to fight a loosing battle to which she knew she was wrong about and agreed that she had done the wrong thing and would in the future treat each person who entered her shop with respect and not judge them by age, race or sex. I made sure we were very clear.
I was quite satisfied that she understood how upset I was and how wrong she had been when she apologised sincerely to Olivia with tears in her eyes. I stood my ground and put my grievance across quietly respectfully but very forcefully.
I had trust and faith in my girls telling me the truth and she confirmed my faith and their version of events. I felt a little better upon leaving this woman with her jaw on the ground and hopeing she will consider her authority over children and customers with more respect in the future. I am appalled an adult would use scare tactics and speak to my or any ones children like that for no real reason, making them scared to buy a gift by themselves for god's sake.

I put my arm around Olivia kissed her forehead and said do you think we are done here?
She answered with a smile put her arm around me as we exited the shop with a spring in our step and our heads held high. I asked if she was okay even though I did not swear I did not raise my voice (well maybe a low growl but that was for effect) and I made sure I was very clear on my thoughts. This is a feat when these drugs sometimes make me slur, stumble through sentences and loose my words I even forget what I am saying sometimes, not this time and thank God.
Olivia said that it was the coolest thing that had ever been done for her and she will when she becomes an adult makes sure she stands up for those little injustices that are put upon those who are less equipped to defend themselves. She gave Tayla a blow by blow account of what had transpired and then they high fived and agreed that Tayla should of come in and she was glad I went in and she was proud I was her mum even if I am shameful sometimes and we all cracked up.
I have been walked on a little lately and it felt good to turn a wrong into a right and make someone think about their treatment of others especially young adults. They need to be shown respect to give and learn respect. Older people sometimes think all teenagers are the same well I am sorry this isn't the case and it certainly isn't so of my girls and how dare she judge them in such a manner with no evidence to the contrary.

I am curious would you confront this woman?
Would you just complain? or would just explain that there are just shit people in this world and you need to learn to accept that.
You know which way I swing, but do you feel it was warranted or should it have been left?

I will fill you in on my upcoming wedding this weekend tomorrow.

Peace and Health To All
Love and Hugs...................................Cheers to our youth and giving respect to others.

PS I really wish I knew more about computers because I dont know why my side thingy is way down the bottom and I still cant put my friends at the side, UgHh or a profile picture. I am truly computer useless.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Im Back.......................................

Hello everyone, it seems like I have been away for ages I will catch up on everyone very soon though as I have missed you all terribly you are all like taking happy pills. I always feel better when we are in contact.
I went back to the specialist today for my monthly appointment. I don't think I looked real well as I caught the sympathy look from my darling doc. I assure you I don’t feel any worse than normal, to be honest if anything I feel better than I have in ages really.
I am not feeling healthy or super great but well enough to have the feeling of being able to see that light and smile rather than cry so if that makes sense that’s me right now.
My doctor is the type of person who is very caring straight forward and honest, he is the type of person you would be friends with has just a nice guy.
We chatted about how I was and discussed my infections and the antibiotics I have been on and we have being doing everything right. However he had asked me in a little earlier than my original appointment and I figured that he was just condensing appointment's. He in fact spoke to Ben and I a little longer than usual. My white cell count is still dropping so that’s not good news BUT my response and belief is that it will be fine and we will not dose reduce unless it gets to the point of being dangerous (IT WONT)
He also wanted to discuss my liver function tests, they are really high (still) this would normally be the case with someone who is drinking excessive amounts of alcohol whilst on this treatment (and people do) but I am not drinking at all, just that taste with the Footy game which I told him about but it has been this way for last 25 or so weeks and he has been watching it but had not said anything because he didn't want to worry me but it is now bothering him.
The problem with this is it’s not Hep that is doing it as there is no detectable virus, so it is obviously something else which brings into play another liver disorder.
He said that after treatment is over and we have cured the Hep C we will have to do a biopsy, now I knew this and also knew that I had a genetic degenerative liver disease also, the only problem with that is they don’t have a name for it and there not sure what the cause is, or what damage it can do or how they will treat that once they figure it out even if they do.
It just at the moment feels like a kick in the guts when your doc looks worried, especially the kind who tends to be very up beat and positive and very good at looking at the brighter side of things and as I now know very good at keeping secrets.
Again it is not this that has me so upset, honestly I am not fazed. Now before I go on I want you to know this is okay and no real surprise so don’t panic and Deb I am not saying that to sugar coat things I promise.
Okay that said that isn't what upset me today. He continued to ask questions he has never asked before.
Have your kids been tested? Yes was my answer only 12 months ago and they were clear, I continued to tell him my ex-husband was also clear and we were together 15 years. Then he asked if Ben had been checked my answer was yes 12 months ago and he was clear also.
We then had the discussion about it not being transmitted sexually and how difficult it is to catch and so on. Okay that’s all well and good I know all this but what the hell are getting at?
He just had a patient who was cured from a different genotype, her partner before treatment was cleared. Since treatment was over by chance he has tested positive which is very rare unless they are drug users or something a long those lines.
Now to cut an already long story a little shorter, he wants to test Ben again. He really says there is nothing to worry about but was so shocked that the husband has contracted the virus whilst she was on treatment that he now wants to check Ben just to be on the safe side.
The difference is I don’t have periods and haven’t for 11 years since my Hysterectomy due to cervical cancer, so that makes things better obviously, just the whole blood thing.
He has been contacting colleagues and this as I said is super rare and never been documented.

Just at the news that he wanted to recheck as a precaution had me holding my chest with fear and tears flowing way too freely, I felt as if I was going to die right then and there. The thought that Ben may get sick because of me has me devastated and totally thrown me for a loop. The chances of him having it is very minute and would be as I said very rare but I am so scared right now. He thinks I am over reacting and maybe I am but I cant help it, I am not one to rush to meet disaster but seriously what if I have given it to him and what if he is positive?
I know that since my ex after 15 years was clear and the kids were clear then he will probably be clear also but holy shit, I just don’t know what I would do.
This virus is harder to catch than HIV they have always said it can not be transmitted sexually and I thought that with the ex being clear and us having Ben tested before, after 5 years together than we were good, but now I am told maybe not, the doc must be worried enough to want to test him. It’s just the thought of him having to do this treatment because of me is not what I need right now. My hair is thinning a lot more now and my Doc said try not to stress HELLO? how can I not now, he is being tested tomorrow and I will know in a few days in the meantime I just have to pray that I haven’t made the love of my life ill.

Okay I have off loaded and tomorrow is a new day I have faith all will be well I just had a panic thingy lol.
I will fill you in on my babysitting adventures tomorrow.

Peace and Health my Lovelies XXXX

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Thursday..........Early Needle

Its Thursday...I have had my needle a day early as I have to go back to Brisbane to look after my nieces on the weekend as my lil sis is going to a wedding in Rockhampton so she flies out early Saturday morning and is back Sunday. So I figured if my needle was done a day early I can get past the yuk so I'm not a nasty aunt to my gorgeous girls.
(I get a little impatient when I am unwell) I don't want to project that on to the girls. My girls will be there to help out and Dana is around the corner if I need her.

Kym and Ray are here (Ben's mum and dad) so that's wonderful, they are a very precious spiritual and loving influence in my life and I feel our relationship is ordained by a higher power and most definitely meant to be, as is the relationship I have with Ben.

Well I had my rum and coke can while watching the footy but only got about half way through even after 80mins but it was nice to feel normal as I have never watched a game without a drink unless I was pregnant of course.

Well I made a huge massaman beef curry for dinner and I am going to enjoy my time with my Family, after my last twist in my brisy visit.

Well my last day in Brisbane wasn't as eventful for me as it was for Kel (sis) she has been unwell with an unknown ailment since her last bub was born. She is being treated for vertigo but she has turns sort of like a black out or a fit or something they don't know. She doesn't fit in the normal sense she tends to just sit flop and stare into space for a period of time with out blinking or moving. Anyway we are used to this happening and so it doesn't scare either of us any more and we kind of get through by making fun of the situation its an Aussie thing to pay out on stuff that may scare us or be upsetting. So when we drove into the city to buy a dress for the wedding that I had spotted the day before. Kel couldn't drive in so I decided to take her as I knew the dress would be perfect for her. All was well until the only way out of the damn car park was the lift, there are no stairs I think thats so bizarre but anyway we took the lift and kel was instantly dizzy she had left her vertigo tablets at home of course so she was feeling a little woozy. We walked out into the mall arm in arm and up the street towards the shop where the dress was, Kel started saying she felt pretty dizzy and could feel she maybe going to have a turn so of course I head for the nearest seat and sat her down. Then she was out eyes wide open but no movement, if I was to have let her go she would have fallen off the chair as she cant hold herself up when this happens. So I continue to talk her through and smile as to not draw a lot of attention occasionally taking the opportunity to let her slip a little so she nods and I pick her head up. Why do you ask do I let her slip a little because its funny and its the only time I can get her back. lol
Shes lucky I didn't lay her on the ground and do a rain dance around her so when she woke up she was super embarrassed, so it could of been worse. Anyway a few minutes later she woke up I got her a drink of water and let her recover for a minute before we started to walk towards the shop. She then started to get a wobble up like she was drunk and to be honest I got the fits of giggles and started geeing her up, she was laughing at my nastiness when the wobble got worse and we both by now were searching for another chair and she felt she needed chocolate so obviously her blood pressure and sugar had dropped, don't panic just find chocolate, so I walk her to the little news shop in the centre of the mall and by now I was in fits of laughter at the fact that I was having a really hard time holding her up so we looked a real sight her shaking like one of those bobble headed things and me looking like shit trying to hold her up and us both pissing our selves laughing.
I grabbed a caramello Koala and shoved it into her gob while stopping her from collapsing over all the piles of magazines and newspapers stacked quite high. While we were laughing and she was shaking and I was trying to push the chocolate in her mouth, I was trying to find money and keep her upright while trying to explain to the girl who looked quite confused at us both that her sugar was low and just needed a minute but she couldn't work out what the hell was going on. Kel took another few minutes to finish eating the chocolate and then I let her sit with caramel from ear to ear for a minute while I stopped laughing and cleaned her up.
Now I can understand that this isn't really that funny to most people but you have to understand our sick sense of humour we take every opportunity to take the piss out of each other and usually do. That moment was no different. so you need to know I do care but its a coping mechanism and I am sorry but watching her try to get that half melted choclate to her lips while she missed twice and had it all over her face is pretty funny, in my defence she would of laughed at me, ummm or burst into tears with fright but anyway I laughed.

Well I will try to catch up over the weekend time permiting.

PS: If you have a couple of minutes watch this it touched me today.

Peace and Health to All XXXX


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

State of Origin with no alcohol?????????

GO QUEENSLAND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UP THE MIGHTY MAROONS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once a Year we have a battle of the states NSW and QLD This has been and issue for as long as I can remember and the fight between the Maroons (US) and the Blues is like a battle of warriors and Pride. There is something about not being able to have a beer on Footy night.

I love my rugby League I have been a follower and a player of the game. I was the only girl in our high school year but I tackled with the boys and played hard its a great game and this is my favourite time of year when family and close friends maybe enemies as there are only two teams so if your not a Queenslander your not Welcome.......LOL

We won last year and are ready to rock and roll we may not win tonight but the 3 game series will be ours.

Okay Ben bought me a rum and coke can just for the game, ohh what the hell it is the origin.

PEACE AND HEALTH TO ALL XXXX (Especially the boys)

PS. Thank you for your comments I didn't think I was alone but you all make me feel better as always with your amazing support. What did I do before I had you all, seriously??

Edit: We WON yay yay Actually we slaughtered them up the Maroons OH Yeh...

Tuesday, May 22, 2007


Okay to be honest I am having a hard time with a couple of the connections I have made through Blogging. This is not what you may initially think. Its not that I have come across nasty people who criticize is it that I haven’t found anyone who understands what I am about.
In fact it is actually the complete opposite. I have been really blessed to have made some amazing connections with most of the regular people that I interact with.
My problem is that I can speak on the phone I can email I can laugh I can share my feelings and thoughts. I can send little gifts or cards and even receive some heartfelt joy through this medium.
The one thing I can’t do and that is making feel so depressed is that I can't hold the hand or squeeze the waist of someone whom I grown to love as part of my family.
I can’t ever imagine not having her in my life but I can’t touch her when she needs me I can’t call in when all she needs is to collapse in my arms and just have a big snuffling and messy snotty cry.
I can’t tidy up for her when she is pain and I can’t cook something super yummy for us to share when we are both miserable (totally fattening and naughty)
I can’t pick her up and go to the theatre and laugh at the comedy we have chosen to cheer us up and I just can’t look into her eyes and know how she feels without her having to say a word or to just look back with a complete understanding without a word being uttered form her lips.
I find this so frustrating and so painful today that the tears are just flowing. How lucky I have been in my life to have very amazing friends I don’t accept a lot of people into my life as I have trust issues but once your in with me your in and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.
When I love you I feel for you and with you, sometimes with an intensity that takes my breath away. Physically I can share your pain and emotionally my heart breaks whenever you’re is.
I am unsure where I am going with this I am just finding this half way around the world thing really hard. I am a patient person but I also have no patience for those I care about feeling helpless and lonely and hurt in certain situations. I hate not being able to show my support for them in the way I would like.
Today I don’t care about my last day in Brisbane or what is going on with me. Today I am consumed with the pain of a friend whom I can’t hold in my arms and comfort. How do others cope with this side of our blogging world?
How did I do it when there was distance between my friends or family who needed me before? Well I jumped on a damn plane and went to them or I drove for 2 days straight to be by their side, either way I found a way and I did it. Now I can’t........ I don’t have $2500 to jump on a plane to comfort my friend on the other side of the world, nor do I have the Health situation to be able to do that.
So what the hell do I do? how do I deal with this without the pain?
My migraines are debilitating when they hit and crying makes them unbearable.
But my tears are flowing and my heart is breaking for a friend whom I have never met in the physical sense (but will) how do I deal with the here and now until then?

I need some advice I need for someone to tell me how they do it.

PS: My little sister has a blog I helped set it up on the weekend she is lonely since her Hubby is working away. I thought this might help her vent and make some connections. Check her out!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Brisbane Trip Part 3

This street is now one way Umm not Happy...............

Its Saturday night my injection went pretty well I have been better today than I have all week so I am pretty chuffed.

My sister and her babes came up for the weekend the house is full of laughter tears screaming and footsteps. There are 6 girls aged 2 to 14 to say its loud is an understatement.

Back to my trip to the city.

I showered dressed and picked Dana up she lives just down the road from Kels house so it wasn’t far. I had my eyes hanging out of my head and took make-up to do before I left the car as I was a little scary.
We set off on the usually half hour trip to the city. Now I know my way around the city I have been in and out a lot for work and party times over the years and I am quite comfortable with the drive. I did however forget that it has been a while since my last trip in there and peak hour traffic is a bastard I left at 7.30 to get Dana to her 9am appointment.
Plenty of time Dan Im telling her and we will have a nice coffee have a wander through the mall untill you need to be to where you had to be.
Ha!!! what a wanker to think anything I was going to do would be that damn easy.
The traffic was horrendous, there were 2 more lanes in either direction than there was last time and it was getting later and later as we crawled through the traffic Dana may as well of run in front of me it would have been quicker.
We finally make it to the edge of town where we had to be and I positioned myself in the right lane to get to where we needed to go, no problem. Dana had already rang the interviewer to say we were going to be a little late.
But I was getting anxious as I hate being late and I told her she would be there on time. I tell Dan I just have to go left right and then underground to park, no problem.
I go left and I try to go right when Ummm where the f*#k is that street gone its blocked off non existent there is a damn building there my alternate route is now one way and I am spewing. Dana is laughing at my frustration thinking the drugs have just made me forget that there wasn't a street there but I know there was and so that didn’t help the situation.
I again take long way round and drop her off cars beep the traffic stops and Dan jumps out not having a clue where to go so I ring her mobile and talk her through it until she arrives while I find my way back to the underground car park. By this time 2 hours in the car and I am busting to pee, I look like shit and I have worked myself into such a state that I have to do more than ones.
WTF this is bullshit. I finally get a park shove my make-up in my hand bag and run to find the nearest toilet. I will fix my face when I’m there. Okay now it wasn’t hard to find but I did get some strange glances from the suits and better dressed full faced people with their Gucci shoes and handbags as I waddle for the loo. Now as you know I hate having to go in public so I race into the disabled perfect…Private and sound proof. My bag drops to the floor my jeans are ripped down as quickly as possible and that’s it there was no stopping me.
That should have been fine BUT as I am glancing around this rather large and posh disabled public loo, I read the sign above the button that you push to close the door.
RED LIGHT MUST BE ON TO GUARANTEE DOOR IS LOCKED. Holy Shit your kidding me, the light was off, no damn way...... shit oh buggar SHITTTTT.
Oh God my pants are around my ankles, the door could be opened at anytime. Shit don’t panic shaz just snap it off, wipe your damn ass and lock the fu*#en door so no one catches you with ya pants down, simple YeH?
Nup I tore off a finger nail on the corner of the holder whilst trying to grab the toilet paper.
I am cursing and biting my lip as the blood drips down my arm from the broken nail. I am trying to wipe said ass as to not get messy while shuffling across this bathroom with my jeans around my ankles to push the damn button that locks the damn door.
I return to said toilet seat, sit and finish wiping the sweat from my brow and trying to breathe into my hands as I am now hyperventilating over the thought of someone walking in on me.
All the while finishing off the number 2 that I never do in public toilets. I am scarred for life even at the thought of that door opening while I was in there it is enough to make me cry.
It also makes me laugh now the thought of being scared and nearly shitting myself brings a whole new meaning to that often said phrase.
Okay that little dramas over and my face is splashed with cold water dried off and a little make-up applied I am ready to face the big city folk and not look like death. Imagine me straitening my shirt checking my hair applying some gloss taking a deep breath and thinking thank god that’s over and thinking I’m good to go, when........... I push the button that automatically opens the door.
Imagine my surprise when as the door opens a woman in a wheel chair hurls abuse at me for being abled bodied and holding up the only disabled toilet on the floor. I tried to apologies and explain and I kind of did I think, in between her spitting abuse, I smiled politely and walked away as fast as possible still hearing her complaints as I turn into the first store I could find out of her sight.
Catching my breath and letting my racing heart settle I browse for a minute and when I feel the coast is clear I wander into the mall to make my way to find Dana. She finds the whole thing hilarious while I try to contain my embarrassment and a band aid for my throbbing finger.Its time to let that go and try to make the most of being in the city again for the first time in a long while.

I miss the buzz of the city, the tall buildings everyone on a mission, the smell of freshly roasted coffee and the array of people from emos, punks, buskers and business men in suits.
In all the haste to find a toilet I left my camera in the car and didn’t bother to go back and get it. So no street pictures I am afraid.
Dana and I wandered around window shopping sipping lattes and chatting freely but keeping an eye out for any wheel chair bound women who have no problem with their lungs, just their legs, the drama of getting there and my first 20mins soon faded into the background and I just enjoyed my time with my babe.
I was by lunch time shattered and figured it was time to head home while I still could. I spent the afternoon cooking 2 big lasagnas for Dana and the girls, one to eat that night and the other for the freezer. Once they were cooked I left and headed back to Kels for the night. Needless to say I slept better not a lot but I did get more than hour so I was happy with that. I will fill you in on my last day tomorrow the finale in my Brisbane trip.

Peace and Health my Friends XXXX

Friday, May 18, 2007

Brisbane Trip part 2

Marty and Lyndell my gorgeous friends from High School its always nice to put a face to the story so this is them.

Okay Friday yet another shitty sleep.
Ben was awake with me most of the night I am going to have to go to Doctor as I cant stand this pain I have gone through a box of pretty strong meds the last few days and I hate it.
Injection is done and for some reason it stung like B#*"^ard but anyway its done.
I refuse to dwell on that today.

So back to my Brisy trip.
Dana and I left Kels and headed for the shopping centre at Toombul which just happens to be a 5min drive from the Cows house(aunt) we had a look around and enjoyed a fresh juice all the while my tummy doing somersaults at the thought of meeting with the witch so I dragged out the shopping for a long while.
Meanwhile I had another call from Marty- are you still coming over today?
Me- sure we are just at the shops.
Marty- Do you want to come for dinner.
Me-Why not its not as if I am angry or anything and were kool aren't we? How you feeling? Marty- Shaz are sure I didnt say anythin?
Me- Yes honey I am kidding, I will see you all soon.
Marty and I went to school together also and have been friends for a very long time and he married Lyndell my best gal friend from school so its really kool havin them both together.(except when they fight cause I have try to stay neutral) Mmmm well I dont really I tell it how I see it and he accepts that. I have spoken about Lyndell and I just love her she is my sweet friend who has an amzing relationship with my girls.

Anyway we finish stalling at the shops and we decide to just do it, I immediately start to feel ill my legs are weak and I feel the need to find a toilet (IBS is a curse when your stressed).
I hate public toilets I am almost phobic, they really suck and especially for anything other than number ones. Dana says cant you wait? I cant wait truly I must be nervous because I can always wait but not now I gotta go. So we head for the restrooms, there is no way I am going into the one that has like 20 loos in it no way. I am going to find the disabled one. Dana is now nearly peeing herself laughing at watching me squirm as she knows I don't use public toilets and her amusement at my distress doesn't make me smile and she tries to control herself.
I can still hear you Dana as I lock the door and a muffled sorry is heard through the door followed by a snorting laughing sound outside the door. Your not too old to smack you know, I yell as her giggles get louder. She is now in hysterics and I start laughing also, this is just ridiculous I really need to get over this loathing for public toilets.
That being over and Dana getting an evil eye followed by a Pfffttttt and a burst out of laughter we head to the car. I am now shaking at the prospect of coming face to face with this woman.
We pull up and there is no sign of anyone. I was syked and ready to speak up.
The memories came flooding back of my dear Uncle and his witty sense of humour and also his look of discontentment when he lived here with this woman.
I turned off the car and we got out, the gate was chained and so I yelled out. A dog I have never seen came screaming down the stairs and headed towards us bearing teeth and barking. Dan just looked at me as if I am not going in there. I stood silently looking at the stairs waiting for her to come out. She appeared and called the dog looking at me with a combined look of dismay and guilt and what the F*#k does she want look she seemed nervous , good she damn well should be after what she did.
She told us to wait as she had to lock this dog up. We waited a while before she headed down the stairs. Slowly she approached and said a cordial hello this is a surprise. I said a shaky Hi and we just stood there, looking at each other. I finally said umm well I was in Brisy so I thought Id come and have a coffee. There was a response of fear and questioning in her eyes. She finally said I will have to lock the dog up better and she disappeared leaving us at the gate for another 5 mins.
Dana whispered, She doesn't want us here mum and I replied with Mmmm I think your right but we are not leaving. We finally went upstairs and made small talk.
Now, I have been in some sticky situations, I have been in some really awful situations and I have came out of most of these either fighting or happy with the out come.
This time.............I choked. I cant believe it until the end, I finally asked if she would give me a copy of his birth certificate and death certificate and will.
She got up and walked into the kitchen ignoring the question Dana looked at me with venom in her eyes for this woman who betrayed her mumma and I choked. I quickly asked one more time as she was taking our cups and clearing away as a cue for us to leave. She then proceeded to say she would once again post it to me and I said nothing but okay.
Can u believe it what a wimp I am. All I said was okay, bloody hell she was right there in front of me and all I said was okay, Dana was furious but I shook my head at her as if not to say a word, she obliged. We left and I just cried.
Why cant I stick up for myself these days why didn't I let Dana at least say her piece, she is after all a part of me and can stick up for herself and she is a lot more diplomatic than me.
I just couldn't do it and I didn't, I couldn't, I just left without knowing anything except that she would never send me a copy and I would never know the truth and that I would never pursue this any further.
I am ashamed of myself for being so weak and I am embarrassed to say I lost my nerve.
I am strong and honest and forthright. I have never been backward in coming forward but this situation has destroyed that part of me, these drugs confuse me mentally and the drugs that counteract that, leave me with little real feeling or fight in my spirit.
This coming from a young woman who has been raped, molested, ran over, stabbed and been in more fights than I care to remember in the end I was usually walking away better off than the person who chose to try to hurt me. (all of that is for another post) But I am just not vengeful and she wasn't attacking me so I was lost. I have never backed down from anyone but this situation has floored me, I just cant believe it really.
If you were to ask anyone who knows me well they wouldn't believe I have let it turn out like this. I am not as tough as I once physically or mentally was but maybe its that there are things more important to me than that.
I am not as volatile as I once was and that can be viewed as both good and bad. I am content that my integrity is in order and what goes around comes around. I have a clear conscious and am at peace with my past, my future and my life.It sux that I will never know. But I am okay with that now.
I had my chance and I passed it over, it was my responsibility to change my circumstances. I relinquished that so I only have myself to blame now. I will have to put that to rest and settle for the outcome.
We left and headed to Marty and Lyndells for dinner they couldn't believe my weakness as they have never seen that side of me, but they love and know me well enough to have not carried on with that conversation instead we talked about everything but and had a great dinner.
Dan and I left heading back to her house where I dropped her off as I was going to sleep at Kels. I think by the time kel and I finished chatting and she went to sleep I had taken four sleeping tablets that clearly weren't working and so I wandered around the house for hours. I may have got an hours sleep max so that comes to about 4 hours in 2 days. I really don't sleep well anyway but I really do not sleep well away from home or Ben another little quirk I need to control.

To say I looked like Hell was an understatement but I had to pick Dana up and take her into the city for an interview so I showered and left.

I will fill you in on our trip to the city tomorrow it was nice and almost trouble free except there is one more toilet tale to tell and where did that street go?

Stay well all.

Peace and Health to All XXX

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Brisbane trip part One

Okay today.............Mmmmm I had a shit nights sleep my whole body writhing in pain with an intensity that made me cry which takes a lot usually and so I make the journey down the stairs to get some stronger pain meds and more sleeping tablets to try and rest my weary body. I hate to wake Ben up when I am up and down all night but he slept through it thank goodness as he has a big day today.
The pain throughout my back and neck is like doing a full set of super weight sets and then holding, allowing the lactic acid burn until you cant physically hold the weight any longer or stretching to the point of burning but moving does little to take that burn away. I don't know how else to describe it unless you have ever had a truck parked on you while the driver stops for breakfast.

But enough of that. My trip to Brisbane went well considering the lack of sleep and normal crap.
I went down on the Monday afternoon a day early, taking
Olivia (Taylas bestie) home after her weekend with us. I went early as I wasn't comfortable with her catching the train by herself even if her mum was Grrrrr so I decided to go early.(I have no problem with taking her home its just the fact that they would let her catch a train with no super vision all that way)
The only downside to that was it happened to be the end of the long weekend for the May Day Weekend which is done yearly to protest for
workers rights against our wanker Government(anyway that's a whole nother post) I sometimes march or go in support but for obvious reasons didn't attend.
Anyway a lot of people take advantage of the long weekend to go away up to? you guessed the Sunshine Coast where I live so the trip back took 3 hours instead of 1. Olivia and I said the time passed quickly as we sang and talked about old and new times and laughed at the things they have gotten up to in the years her an La have been friends and some recent events. She is such a pleasure and I love her a lot.

After dropping her off my first port of call was Lyndell my gal from high school. We talked and laughed and caught up on all the gossip until about 1 am so by then I was pretty shattered I did fall asleep then woke up to a shadow wavering over the top of me with a bit of a fright my eyes opened wide. It was Marty her hubby my guy friend from school standing or trying to stand (he had been at the march and lets just say the march goes for about 3 km and then they finish at the oval where their are food stands and yep many alcohol tents) He didn't know I was there so when he seen me curled up on a mattress in his lounge room he immediately panicked, then came the questions in his language of slur, lol I have spoken it once or twice my self so I am slightly familiar.

Marty-Hey Heyyyyyyyyy HAY a little louder.
Marty- Arb woo Okay whas wong.
Me -yeh mate alls good just down for a few days.
Marty- Wheds Bem ism e akay woo nob siting are wa.
Me- no honey we are not fighting I am just visitng.
Marty- da golls were day awe isay day k.
Me- yes marty the girls are fine.
Marty- woo sure wu k snaz eyes fix it saw woo dust til ma whads hoing un
Me- yeh honey everything is good I l tell you tomorrow nothing to be fixes babe, goodnight.
Marty- K wool c dar im ma morfink k
Me Yes honey see u in the morning.

That was it I was awake no chance of sleeping anymore so I tossed and turned for another couple of hours then decided to go over to Danas and climb into bed with her it was just before 6am but I don't sleep well away from home alone so I needed to go where I might of been able to get some. I woke Dana up but we both quickly hugged and then crawled into bed (her day off) and went to sleep.
Next minute the door flung open and Dana's room mate Christine whom I have known for years also flew in to ask Dana something then she spotted me dropped her coffee and gasped until she realised it wasn't anyone other than her Mumma so she was cute apologising giving me hug whilst saying my short hair was great but shell go now SORRRY...... I rolled over thinking okay sleep time shaz please lord just a little, when about half an hour later the door flew open and a little scream left the lips of Chantal, Dans other room mate she had also come in to ask a question (Christine had already left so she didn't know) Oh f#*k I mean oh sorry danas mum I didnt know who it was nice hair by the way, see ya sorry Laughing out loud you scared me, the door shut.
By now I am like holly shit Dans still asleep dont ask me how and I hope that's it, sleep please just a little as I drifted off for about an hour then my phone rang u r figgin kidding me I could of screamed I was just so tired.

Shaz.... yes Marty? Umm do I have anything to apologize for? you umm weren't here when I got up and umm well last night I cant quite remember if you know I umm said or umm did anything?
ME- Well if you dont call dry humping me in the lounge room something than I spose you safe. Marty- Oh F*#k Umm Oh Shit oh Geez um holy shit Shaz I'm sorryDid I Really??????
Me- Nooo you idiot, U were fine, I just couldn't sleep so I went to Dans I am here now and I will be over later tell Lyndell I couldn't find a pen to write a note to say where I was going and I will talk to you later.
Marty- Shit shaz I was worried. R u sure your okay?
Me-Yes honey I promise all is well.

Well that was it, it was now like 10 am and I got up there was no hope after that, so I cleaned up Christine's spilt coffee, made myself a green tea and decided to have a shower make dan get up and get ready so we could start our day and go see my sister.
We arrived at Kels and she opened the door, only to fall into my arms in an all too consuming emotional state of tears and sobs. Her hubby is working away for the first time and I am now an hour away so she is lonely and misses me but Chris had just gone back after a weekend home so she was a little emotional. She recovered and we hang out for a while until dan and I decided to go and get some naughty food and do a little shopping.
My god daughters wedding is in a few weeks so I thought id have a look around for the girls for something new to wear. Then Dana decided we where to go to the aunties and get a copy of the will.......................Mmmmm I was apprehensive to say the least. I felt sick and started to panic at even the thought of confrontation but that will have to wait till tomorrow as I just cant sit up any more maybe a massage or something but this pain is rediculous now and I wont accept it willingly.
Thank you for your support but for gods sake stop being so sweet you have me in tears daily with your love and its not helping my toughie front. lol. Just kidding you make my day every day.

Injection Day Tomorrow so I want to be past this, before that, it seems to never end but I know it is going to and it will be worth it in the end.

By the way I have a problem at the moment I am totaly addicted to porridge breakfast lunch and tea, Damn I cant get enough. How weird is that? Is it fattening? I dont think its got a whole lot of nutrition but I just have to have it. So I am oh well.

Thank you My Friends :)

Until tomorrow.....

Peace and Health to All xxx

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I wasn't going to whinge........but

I kind of feel like a mushroom at the moment, kept in the dark and surrounded by shit. I cant remember what the "they" say but you get the picture.
My head is heavy with another migraine that I just cant shake and my body is twitching in pain. I am so over being sick today, my chest hurts and my head nearly explodes when I cough.
The infection is in my chest up my nose down my throat on my damn ass and leg, I am already on antibiotics but I am not getting all that much better at the moment. I spent the day in bed sleeping and trying to pray and focus on feeling better. I had a pain in my liver that dropped me to my knees and I am not sure why. (it is gone now)
Is it treatment? is it the drugs that I take to counteract the side effects or is it something else?
I don't run to the doctor willy nilly and I rarely go unless I know whats wrong with me because I don't trust them usually, some are great, others not so good, so I try to be aware of whats going on first.
As far as I can tell this is part of the process, my white cell count is leaving me open to infection and that's what I have. I just don't want to have get to the point where I am in Hospital as I will end up worse. I feel infection is a huge problem in Hospitals even in quarantine so I want to avoid it if possible. I refuse to dose reduce unless its a matter of life and death and it wont come to that so I dont want to sound too over dramatic.
I will not venture out too much except when I have too, coming into winter here brings with it colds and flu's that I cant afford to catch anything.
So much for not having a whinge hey?
Well anyway I wont do it tomorrow. I will fill you in on my trip to Brisbane and talk about whats coming up in the next few weeks as I am pretty busy (so I have to be well)
Peace and Health To All XXXX

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Things I needed to Appreciate.

Okay today seems to have merged into all the others. I still have a migraine and I just feel like shit. I am sick of writing posts that say blah blah I feel like shit blah blah. You must all be so sick of it. I know I am. I have just taken meds to help with that but decided to go out side and take some pics of what makes me happy (girls are at school) so other things that make me happy. My existence seems to be just day by day and the inside of my lounge room. So I am trying to get outside when ever I can and I had a good run there for awhile (kinda) but not so much lately. So her are some pics of things I like and that make me smile.

My vege garden is powering since the rain and it seems only only my egg plants are having a bug problem who's bugs love chili and garlic spray? I have bug connoisseurs that must be Italian.
I have zucchinis, tomatoes, chili, pumpkin, capsicum, egg plant, snow peas, cucumbers, strawberries and lettuce.
My herbs so far are basil, oregano, sage, thyme, mint, dill, rosemary and parsley.
This is a picture of some some thing? mushrooms fungi or what ever its really kool and delicate I loved it, it was between some old leaves and composting I had been doing. (if I hadn't of gone outside I would never have noticed) I am so glad I did it.
My fern I got for Valentines Day along with an African Violet that I haven't killed yet Woo Hoo. They are the only plant other than cacti that I kill.

The sun beaming through the camphor laurels at the back of my house. A new day I should be smiling. Gods gift of beauty was just outside my door I should enjoy it a lot more.
My Bella she is only 15 months old and just gorgeous. I am missing her inside with me but she is on heat (blahhhh) so she cant understand y mum wont let her in the house for lots of cuddles.
This is my favourite picture of all because I want you all to know you make me smile, your words of love and support has been amazing, your words of wisdom has picked me up when I didnt think I could. All of you lovely's, this smile is especially for you. I dont want you to worry even though it makes me feel very special.

I still have nice teeth, my labret is still hanging in even though the ulcers and staph has made my mouth very sore. My tongue ring has gone and so have my nipple rings but anyway this is still here (for now) so keep fingers crossed.

I wasn't smiling prior to making my self go outside but now I can.

I hope there are things that make you smile today. It actually didn't take much. I will do it more often, the small things are the core of our happiness and what we should appreciate.

Don't loose sight of the little things, appreciate your health and all the living things around you.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Happy Mothers Day

These are my beautiful flowers from Deb I received them a while ago when I was unwell with perfect timing. I thought I would share. Are they not Beautiful?????

My Babies and Me"

This is a post that I wrote early on in my Blog and I thought I would repeat it for Mummas Day as I am really not doing so well so a copy and paste suits me today. For those of you who have read it sorry. I am really run down with my white cell count so low. I am just not so good with the infection stuff, it is spreading I am really over it. I am now on antibiotics to try and help but I am hanging in so dont worry too much. I have Ky here for the weekend which is a great surprise and Dana is working but I have just seen her so I am one Happy Mumma they have spoilt me this year.

Ayesha-Rae is a beautiful spirit she is the youngest of my bears and is 12 1/2 and she has long red hair and grey eyes shes my Irish glow, just a pleasure to love she has a pure and forgiving nature with a wicked sense of humour that keeps us laughing constantly. She is a mummas girl (i secretly love it cause shes my last) She is our actress/comedian/dancer her concerts are great she was my shyest we used to call her barnacle, as she was permanently attached to my hip but she has found herself and grown into her own.

Then we have my tiny no 3 Tayla-Rose who is just a doll shes the next Elle Mcpherson with out the body(lol), shes 14 but still wheres size 8 clothes and weighs only 39kgs she was 1 of a twin, I miscarried at 16 weeks but she hung on and is our feisty little bear. She has bum length blonde hair with grey eyes who loves her friends and is very loyal to them she is the queen of her sisterhood. Shorter than Ish but loads of fun. Shes quite the little mum and every ones baby sitter i don't now how she manages to carry them half the time shes so tiny. Amazingly level headed for her age.

Then there is Kyle he is my only boy at 18 1/2 .
With a smile that could melt any ice berg. He is my crutch and my best friend.
( Of course except for Benjamin)He is my biggest defence against harm.
he would fight with me and for me till the is handsome.
(And its not just me who thinks so..he he)
He is 6ft 1 tall Gorgeous brown eyes, very dark brown hair and olive skin all my bears have olive skin except ayesha but she tans well believe it or not.

Then there is Danicka-Lea my baby who started it all, the obsession with my children.
Dana is 5ft 7 long brown hair and big brown eyes she has won many contests beauty and modelling but she is not into it. She loves her jeans and pluggers (thongs) pony tails and no make up she is beautiful inside and out. The dresses are just starting to emerge and high heels well she is practicing. She is strong and kind and has a true heart of gold.

Being adopted i had nothing to compare myself to until she was born and then i was hooked from the moment she looked into my eyes i knew i was here on this planet to live and give life, to teach more than your typical 2.5 children. I was here to raise and teach many, to love themselves and others equally.
I had been very self destructive up until that point (with some reason) but she changed my life and she changes everyone's that she meets she is a blessing with a cool temperament she is my calmness she is my balance i worship the young woman that she has become she is still learning as are we all and id like to shake her when i see her mistakes but she has taught me to stand back and except what i cant change to trust in her unconditionally and except her choices and to love her just the same. Its hard(Harder than I thought)
When there little and dependant ,you have control of their happiness and its an amazing feeling. But letting them be responsible for their own destiny is the hardest lesson that Ive had to learn even harder than the rocky road i travelled before them but they are my life... they are me and i am them.... there amazing.

I didn't get my 6(My Wish) but i was blessed with 4 of the sweetest hearts ever and as much as i wanted more it wasn't to be, so now i can... but cant wait to be a grandmother you know what i mean. Well i hope that was a small insight into at least my babies. I am so proud of all of my children and I love them dearly.

May They always Be Blessed.

This Post from a gorgeous Lady is perfect please read.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Friday, May 11, 2007

I am Back

Hey Ya'll, I am home I didn't get to do as much as I thought I wasn't up to as much as I thought but I did see my baby girl Dana my sister and my girlfriend Lyndell and the Haggus AUNT about my uncles will. "Interesting"

I am hopeless and achieved little with her.

I forgot it was Friday today and so I just had my needle now instead of this morning, woops.

I am tired and will fill in all the details when I am feeling better. I have missed you all and will come by and check on you as soon as I can. I had a nice time but I am just so tired.

Peace and Health To All xxxx

Monday, May 07, 2007

I am going to miss everyone for next few days. I am not too bad at the moment I am luckily well enough to drive its only an hour (hopefully with traffic after long weekend) I am excited to see my babe.

I am probably going to make a real time of it with visiting Health permitting. Danicka first and for most, my sis and her crew. My son which will be another hour but Dana will come with me. My goddaugther and her mumma and then maybe my Adopted bro and mum. Mmmm I am a little daunted but its been so long I really miss them.
Stay well my friends I will be thinking of you.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Friday, May 04, 2007


Friday again there is nothing worse than feeling like shit and then knowing by the end of the day your going to be worse and there's nothing you can do about it.

Injection day: it is the injection that lowers my white cell count so to say I am a little apprehensive given my results is an understatement. The tablets that I take if they were to be a problem would affect my platelets which they are not so I am over the moon about that. Its just hard to physically inject something into yourself that makes you sicker. My right hand side of my neck is huge and so my head hurts my ear aches and cringe at the sound of anything louder than a whisper. I am not writing this to make any one feel bad nor for a sympathetic edge I just need to remember a year from now the shitiness of it all and be grateful for how far I have come. I have to admit that some times it pisses me off. I have tried to remember the last time I felt really really well. Without being over dramatic I actually cant. It has been more than 10 years easily and that is such a long time. I do have great days but only compared to the worst of days, not compared to feeling really well and healthy or what I consider normal. Normality in a healthy state seems so far out of my reach at the moment and maybe I am just having a moment but I am getting older, I have missed out on a lot although experienced plenty. I just want to be able to do some of the things I have always wanted to do before my age and or my health truly prevents me from doing so. I want to be fit and healthy enough to enjoy the rest of my life not just endure it.

Just to mention a few:

On a brighter note Tayla's bestest friend Olivia is coming up for the weekend. I am so excited she is like my own and I adore her. I love watching their friendship endure time and distance.
I am very proud of both them, they talk, they write and they love each other unconditionally and I love that. I am hoping to have Kyle come and see his mumma as I need a hug from my big boy. He towers over me at 6ft1 but he is still my baby ;)
I am going to Brisbane Monday arvo if all goes well to see Danicka and hang out for a couple of days. She misses my cooking and I miss taking care of her, mind you I don't think I will have to do much as she is a little protective of her mumma at the moment (so cute) Well that's it for me I am ready for bed now ;)
Woops its only 11.30 am I have only been up for 2 hours Bugga!!!

A MEME cause Im bored;

Are your parents married or divorced?: My mum is a widow
Are you a vegetarian?: I have been but I am not, I do not eat much meat though.
Do you believe in Heaven?: Yes
Have you ever come close to dying?: I was dead for 3 mins when I was 15 and have had a few close calls.
What jewellery do you wear 24/7? My piercing jewelry earrings and engagement ring also my toe ring.
Are you eating?: I am about to
Do you eat the stems of broccoli: Absolutely
Do you wear makeup?: When I go out
Would you ever have plastic surgery?: Not sure, I never say never
What do you wear to bed?. Nothing I hate clothes I get tangled up.
Have you ever done anything illegal?: Yep
Can you roll your tongue?:Yep
Do You have a boyfriend or girlfriend?:Yep
Do you believe in Abortions?: Mmmmm thats really hard depends on circumstances.
What is your Hair colour?: Blonde

Future child’s name, boy and girl?: I have four
Do you smoke?:Not any more
If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?:Africa
Do you sleep with stuffed animals?: Sometimes
If you won the lottery, what would you do first?: Go to the states and visit Deb
Gold or Silver?: Gold
Hamburger or hot dog?: Hamburger.
If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?: Bananas
City, beach or country? City to party, Beach to relax, country to live
What was the last thing you touched?: My ear, its aching (other than keyboard)
Where did you eat last?: Porridge and Bananas
When’s the last time you cried?:Yesterday
Do you read blogs?:Daily
What colour are your pants? assuming I am wearing them? will be brown;)
Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?: absolutely what fun.
Ever been involved with the police?:Umm a few times
What’s your favourite shampoo/conditioner and soap?:American Crew and oatmeal soap
Do you talk in your sleep? Way too much apparently
Ocean or pool?: Ocean unless its my private pool and I am skinny dipping.
What’s your favourite song at the moment:Too many
Have you ever had a cavity?:2 when I was 10
Window seat or aisle seats?:Depends on how long the trip is but window.
Ever met anyone famous?:Quite a few by accident.
Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?:Each time I look at my children yes
Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirling is the only way.
Are you self-conscious?:Yep
Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?:Too many times.
Last gift you received?:Flowers from Deb
What occasion did you receive your gift?:I was unwell and she was thinking of me.
Just because. Last thing you spent lots of money on?: Do you call $ for a facial lots I had never had one and it was amazing.
Where do you live?:Eumundi
Last wedding attended?:Bens Auntie.
Favourite restaurant?:Oshin (Japanese)
What is your favourite kind of car?:Landcruisers
Person on your mind?:Ben's Dad
What’s your least favourite chore(s)Mopping just like Vanessa
Favourite drink?. Water then milk then Rum.

Peace and Health To All XXXX

Thursday, May 03, 2007


Today reading one of my hero's blog, I watched this video and it literally broke my heart.

I was in bed until lunch time suffering with a migraine all night. Today I have gotten up with an abscess in my mouth lymph nodes the size of golf balls and an over all feeling of shitiness.

I have been in tears all day for no real reason so reading my sweet girl Alisons courage and good news made me smile but that was short lived when I started on the whole you tube thang. Damn I should know better.

The visual energies and gut wrenching pain I felt as I viewed the images going from one video to the next is more than I can bear today.

As I have said being sensitive is an understatement I have visions and dreams and feelings that is not always accepted nor understood and when I am lower than normal I usually try to protect my self a little from this.

These clips had me coming back for more, almost as if I was punishing my self for feeling low and sad when there were so many people with out the comforts of home. There are so many things I have to be grateful for and I try to acknowledge them and appreciate them often.

There are how ever days when I just feel lost and lonely and I tend to retreat into a sad spin as I call it until I wake up and snap out of it or until something like these videos hit me like a kick in the guts. I don't believe in the war I do believe in the people who are doing their jobs and trying to put freedom into the realities of more peoples lives. Next time I will wait until I am feeling better and more prepared for the wave of emotions that tend to wash over me like a tsunami when I expose my self to the pain of others.

What ever your spiritual belief system I call on all of you to add these troops into your prayers and blessings until they are safely home with their loved ones and never loose sight of the fact that there are no winners in war and our boy and girls are not our enemies.

Lets use all our strength to give praise and hope that by the power of prayer they will stay safe and come home soon.

Weapon of Praise

"I will praise thee, O Lord, with my whole heart; I will shew forth all thy marvellous works. I will be glad and rejoice in thee: I will sing praise to thy name, O thou most High. When mine enemies are turned back, they shall fall andperish at thy presence."

Psalm 9:1-3

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Full Circle Moment..........

I consider my children to be like precious jewels, priceless and multi faceted. Its funny how things come full circle. You care and raise your children to be the very best people that they can you teach them compassion honesty and to treat others how they themselves would want to be treated. I am so very proud of who my children have become. It goes without saying my babies are my entire world.
My first born baby Danicka is nearly 20 years old it blows my mind how quickly time passes. How her personality and quirks as a baby have remained and followed her into adulthood.
I see so much of my self in her, all the good and a little of the funny things that make us apart of one another.
In other words some of the things that aren't to be put on your resume are there also.
I speak to her a few times a week and miss her like crazy.

I spoke to said child this morning filling her in on my specialist appointment and my last few days. I was running through test results and the goings on around here when she interrupted and said with a tone I haven't heard before. She said very firmly "MUM" I hope your looking after your self? I was totally caught off guard and said yes yes I am don't worry. Mmmm silence at the recognition of our role reversal. It seemed really strange and we both burst out laughing at her mothering tone towards her mumma. She has taken on the nurturing roll as easily as one slips into their slippers she is and always will be my most precious Jewel.

These are just a few snaps of the many faces of my multi faceted Jewel. She has no computer at the moment so she cant get cranky at her funny faces and say Awww mum did you have to?
She really does have great teeth Huh?

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Specialist Day...................

What does looking into my eyes say to you?

I hope it says Thankyou and I hope it says I am appreciative of your support.
I hope it shows you my determination, courage, Love and faith.

The doctor is keeping an eye on me. Blah Blah Blahhhh
My white cell count has dropped a little lower.
I refuse to have it go any lower.
I refuse to let that have any bearing on my progress.
I refuse to be any sicker than I have been.
I just have to be really aware of infection and staying well (I can do this)
I am juicing and eating better, walking and also resting and listening to my body as best I can.
I am going to get better this will not be my only battle it is just the first stage of a longer healthier life.
I cant ask for more than that, it could be worse, much worse. I am happy that there has been no hospital stays or major resistance so that is good.
I am a little better today than I have been so things are looking up as far as I'm concerned.
I am in for the long haul and I believe I will beat this.
My vege garden is powering my herbs sprouting new shoots and the smell as I water them first thing in the morning is heavenly. I have not been out there the last few days but today has me up and out of bed tending to the needs of what falls behind when I am not well.
I haven't got our new puppy yet we are undecided on which one to get, as Bella is a purebred we are being selective in a male counterpart. The hardest thing was deciding on getting one so as far as I'm concerned I believe now he will come to us when its time. I am looking but I am very fussy. I have always had animals that die of old age so they are with us as a family for a very long time so I choose with that in mind.
I hope this finds you well and thanks for the support as always I am in awe of your generous nature and it touches me deeply. I honestly don't know how I would of stayed so positive without your love and prayers.
That Your Prayers May Not Be Hindered
"But if we [really] are living and walking in the Light as He [Himself] is inthe Light, we have [true, unbroken] fellowship with one another"
(1 John 1:7, Amp)