Monday, February 26, 2007


• noun 1 excessive pride in or admiration of one’s own appearance or achievements. 2 the quality of being worthless or futile.
— ORIGIN Latin vanitas, from vanus ‘empty, without substance’

I am a Leo; Astrologically, I am not a huge “Believer” as such.
I do think there are definite characteristics of people born of similar periods in any given year. There are definite coincidences of behavior and I have many friends who follow this closely. I read it just for fun.
In saying, this trait of the Leo is there mane or in my case hair, it is discussed in detail the pride of appearance and so on.
My hair has always been more than just hair. I have always admired beautiful long healthy hair it is just something I notice and appreciate along with teeth, if you look after your hair and nails (I chew them yikes) then you take some pride in yourself and so on. That is a good thing yeh?
I have never been adventurous with my hair, wild cuts and colors and so on, except for once WooPs (who did not love Cyndi Lauper?) Thank god, it used to grow really, quickly.
Nevertheless, let us just say long straight hair was me other than that particular moment giggle. I had a lot of hair, it was thick, and I always felt good with my appearance when my hair was clean and at its best. As my illness has progressed over the years my hair has suffered. It has become more dull, thinner, shorter and weaker.
Now it seems the thought that treatment may not affect my hair any worse than it has already seems to be just a dream. It is now thinning badly. This leaves me with many thoughts and questions about myself.

Am I silly because the thought of loosing all my hair makes me cringe?
Do I have too much so called Pride to shave my head if I require it?
Is it wrong to be thinking of every option to avoid having no hair?
Do I put to much importance in my appearance concerning my hair.
Will others still view me the same way with no hair?
Should I care and should it upset me?
Should I admit to it?
Will Ben still look at me the same way? you know, when we get cozy.
Does this make me Vain?
I would hate to think that I am and I don’t really think I am but is my judgment jaded by what I don’t want to be and again by my own opinion of myself..
On the other hand, is it clear that I put too much emotional value on how I look?
Alternatively, do I care more about other people’s visual opinion of me or my own?

I am blessed for this treatment to be even working and I feel so selfish and ungrateful for my feelings on this subject. I am no Demi Moore that’s for sure.
Maybe if I was I could deal with it but now the thought of loosing my hair is not making me smile.

Friedrich Nietzsche wrote that "vanity is the fear of appearing original: it is thus a lack of pride, but not necessarily a lack of originality"

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Please send Love Prayers and Blessings to my Bloggie Soul Sister for her recovery after surgery.
These are some of the precious gifts that have been sent to me from my dear friend and I hold them as I pray for her recovery.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Ramblings, Faith and GOOD News


Faith is not thinking God can fix things

its knowing he will.

This works for me
I have prayed for a break

I have prayed for my Health
I have prayed to live longer
I have prayed so hard to be here longer for my children that
has been my real prayer, a prayer that gives my children more
time with me their mumma and their mumma more time with
her babies.

I lost my dad at an early age and I don't wish that on my babies
or anyone.
The pain is excruciating, the loss unbearable the memory
forever leaves a hole and an emptiness in your Heart like no other.
It is although the circle of life and I do accept that.

Faith has carried me through the loss of loved ones.
Faith has given me strength through loosing my innocence to evil.
Faith defines the peace that I feel in my heart that gives me
reason to believe everything happens for a reason and helps me
through those situations.
Faith keeps me trying to be the very best person that I can be, for
me and for all of the amazing people whom I have personal contact
with the people whom I am related too,
the friends that I cherish with all that I am,
the babies that I gave birth too,
and the love of my life whom I adore.

Faith is my friend, my loyal companion and my saviour
from all of the things that try to keep me down and make
me question the universe.
Faith is not something I usually
discuss, its mine its private, BUT...........

The last few months have been tough, they have been tough

on everyone.

This blog has helped me release, it has helped me make

connections with amazing people it has been a crutch through
my latest journey especially with treatment.

Okay this all sounds very solemn and sad and I am feeling a

little sombre.
I told Ben if the news from the specialist was bad then we

would re-evaluate our relationship.
To clarify my last statement I need you understand the

circumstances that brought me to this conclusion.
Ben is seven years younger than me (I know toy boy, giggle)
Ben hasn't any biological children of his own.
I have always felt a burden with my chronic illness.
I have always felt that it was my fault that Ben gave up his

chance to have kids of his own. I had a Hysterectomy and
feel guilty that I was and am unable to bear his kids.
So with life being so difficult and me being me,
I decided that I couldn't allow this to continue if the news
was to be one of no hope.

I thought that one day his decision would be one he would

regret and he would feel cheated by it and me.
I didn't want that.
No children and no me and the time he would waste standing

by me awaiting the inevitable with no chance of any kind of
long term hope was too much for me to bear,
a burden I refused to carry.
Despite Ben's concern and arguments to the contrary,

I refused to be a part of that.
Hence my decision previously outlined.

Now you might call it silly, selfish, stupid or all of the

above and you would probably have Ben agreeing wholeheartedly
with you but I have had a lot of time to consider this decision
and it was like that was the only thing I had control of during all of this.

BUT>>>>>>>>>>>>> You will be glad to hear that Ben is staying.

Faith in my treatment and myself has been given a boost today.

The last 15 weeks have been really hard.

There were times I just wanted to stop, curl up go to sleep and wake
up when it was all over. As most of you know I have been waiting to
hear from my specialist about news of how my treatment is going.
Well I am here with a big juicy grin and an incredible sense of hope

in my heart.

The best possible news I could of received was going to be that there

is no detectable Hep c virus in my blood. If this was the case by
approximately the 12 week mark, my cure expectancy sits at about
85% with treatment continuing until October. If my white cell count
holds steady and my platelets continue to be stable then all is more
than hopeful.
This what I have prayed for this what friends and family have prayed


THIS is exactly what I got.....YES Guys you heard me correctly.


Can you believe it??????????
I am so incredibly HAPPY.
I now have a chance of living longer and better and longer and better.
Its a Huge chance its a huge blessing that I am so grateful for I can

hardly describe how this lessens the burden in my heart.
The news is amazing. I have passed my first hurdle, it is a huge

mile stone and an incredible gift.
I will cherish every sick and bad day for next 8 or so months.
I have a long road ahead(still) and I will always have the genetic

trait of Liver Disease and I am prone to cancer and I DO NOT CARE
I have been given an opportunity to fight and not just give in.
I intend to take it.

My wise and wonderful friend Darlene has recently asked everyone

not to take their health for granted. I have done this before as well
but I feel compelled to remind you that we all need to remember and
acknowledge what we are grateful for. To embrace the blessings in our
lives as to remind ourselves of how fortunate we are even during
difficult times.

I am grateful and full of HOPE on this night.

My prayer for you all is that you find peace in your heart, in your

situation and use it to dig down deep and find Faith during any
kind of personal struggle you may be dealing with and find solace
with it.

Thank you all for helping me get here I honestly don't know how

I would of made it through without you all.

Now on that subject, Tuesday my sweet soul sister Deb is going in

for her first of 2 surgeries for this year please pray for her to have a
recovery with
no complications.

We all have our struggles but I believe we can get through it all with

friends faith and love.

Peace and Health to All xxxxx

Friday, February 16, 2007

Friday and Boat Tale.............

Well its Friday. I have been feeling really well up until now no painkillers or vomiting no naps no laying down just plain well. The boat did me the world of good and I had a wonderful time.

Yesterday I started spring cleaning (my house is so dirty and cluttered) I'd had enough and while feeling so well I went a little crazy and started cleaning tidying and throwing out anything not built in.
Today I am a little slower laying down (I think I over did it)
I see a much nicer view from my mattress though. I cant stand so much mess and I really haven't had the energy to keep up, the girls and Ben try but no one really does it like you do (unless there being paid, I wish)
I am still good, just a little worn out with really shitty sinus and hay-fever(it really was dusty)

Our time on the boat really was magic the ocean is always so soothing and calming.
Kim and Ray feed my spirit and my soul.

There was a little extra excitement when Ben and his dad saved a diver from a shark.

They were fishing about 500m from the boat in the dingy.
They were over a huge hole about 65ft deep (but only a km from the beach) when they seen closer to shore but beside a huge drop off a man in trouble.
This position was about 2/3 km away from where a young woman lost her life to several sharks in 1.5m of water last year (I so wouldn't spear fish here) the young woman went in for a swim with a dog extremely silly but tragic none the less.
Anyway this large man starting screaming HELP HELP HELP ...........SHARK bobbing out of the water waiving his arms in total panic (DaHh)
Ben and Ray raced over rescuing the man taking him back to his boat he then described how a 10/12ft shark had grabbed the fish attached to his spear gun out of his hand darting in aggressively and taking off, tearing his bag of fish from his body along with the gun.
The shark proceeded to drop the spear gun moments later and disappeared out of site.
The man frantic to get out of the water. He had no idea which way it went and the thought of his lonely legs under the water kicking and keeping him a float would of been excruciating. (I would of Ummm Sh*t my pants)
The mans friend was casually getting changed in their nearby boat unaware of his mates predicament until he was taken safely back to his boat. The man was obviously shaken but grateful for his rescue he didn't hang around for long not to be seen again, no names exchanged just a weak pale faced smile and a stammered thank you.

As always injection day today, I am well though (except for sinus) I am extremely grateful for my time away it really was amazing. I haven't heard from the specialist so I am just waiting and praying for good results.
P.S. SEven weeks as a non smoker. I am very happy and proud of myself I am also saving like $50 a week WOo HOoo

Peace and Health xxxx

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy Birthday Mikaela......Just For You.

How cute are these pictures I raised these frogs for one of the sweetest little girls I know!!!!!!!!!!
This little fella is only like 2cm long (this ones a little older than the bottom one) and my favourite pic. I love macro (now I found it) I still have one left that is just getting his legs.

Mikaela at my house over Xmas, playing with the tadpoles I caught and saved for her the month before.
She is my Beks eldest babe and a joy. She was gorgeous and I so loved her reaction to my little surprise that I'd nurtured just for her.
She is witty, cute, articulate and my new little friend.
She has a mumma whom I adore with every fibre in my heart and her babe is snuggled near by.

The following photos are the best I could do and M has been so patient with me.
The blue fuzz pic is our baby frog beside a five cent piece to give you an idea of how tiny and I couldn't find macro for that one and when I realised what a terrible pic it was I couldn't delete it without deleting everything on my post so bear with it
(what a dill)

This little babes tail is nearly off its folded under his body and we couldn't get a great shot but you understand this is in a tiny glass cup.

I took this one as I let it go into my garden.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETNESS ((((((((((((((((( {{{{{{HUGS}}}}} )))))))))))))))))

Love and miss you Mikaela I hope you enjoy these pictures Babe. xxxx

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Boat Break Snaps

The Girls at the front of the boat overlooking Myora springs at Stradbroke.

In at Myora Springs washing off the salt in the freshwater.

The boat in which we go ashore and out to the sand banks to swim and fish.

The freshwater that is directed under the road and runs out through the mangroves into Moreton Bay.

The views at sunset from out the back of the boat as everyone had a beer and a wine I had a soft drink and Camembert and olives Yummy.
As the storm moved in from the south the sunset was beautiful.

The girls and I rinsed off and I said a prayer of thanks for the blessings in my life.

It was Beautiful Amazing and rejuvenating. I am still waiting for test results but I feel good.

I had to post these photos. I am home and happy.


Thursday, February 08, 2007

A week on the boat

This will be my Home for the next week Ben is taking the kids and myself down to spend a week with his mum and dad on their boat and moreing near Stradbroke Is.
I cant wait I am so excited as Kym and Ray are food for my soul they are just awesome and I love them dearly. Getting there will be an effort as the car makes me ill and we have to drive for about 2 hours. Pray I don't get sea sick now as well I never have but movement tends to get to me at the moment (rock on good whether)
I will not have Internet access for obvious reasons so please stay well and I will catch up when I am back. I don't know that this pic does the boat justice as it has 2 double cabins and kit/dine/lounge and back deck so it is awesome and I think from memory about 55ft and there will be plenty of pics on my return.

Peace and Health to All xxx

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Specialist Day

Specialist Day Today

News isn't great but its not bad either. (so I'm good)
My white cell count is a little low (not that bad) not that great.
Big news about treatment in about a week.
I have been a little unwell, but really tired, really busy, a few dramas and a few nice surprises.
I will post more soon.
Thank you for your emails and comments I so feel loved.

Whispering ever so gratefully really, Thank you.

Not so revealing trying not to be secretive and I assure you I am not. Just really tired.

Peace and Health to ALL xxxx

Thursday, February 01, 2007

One week at a time

Thursday Night....................... Beautiful isn't it? I look to the sky in Prayer and I feel blessed.

Friday Tomorrow........................... Mmmmm

Its okay now, I look forward to Fridays. It used to scare the shit out of me. I used to cry before every injection and then wait for the onslaught. I do not feel that way any longer. I look at it as being one more week towards a cure. One more week that leads me towards the light at the end of the tunnel. One step closer to living a full healthy productive life.

I have more bloods done tomorrow (YAY) then back to the specialist next week for my monthly checkup. It will be the week after that, I am more anxious about. We find out after the 12 week mark if it is working and whats going on. We find out what the next 12 weeks will hold in store for me. It will either be stop its not going to work, continue for another 12 weeks or we pray for another 24 weeks full steam ahead its doing its job and now you have an 85% chance of a full cure.

I wasn't grateful yesterday I was sick in pain and have an abscess and ulcers in my mouth. I went to the dental hospital this morning and its something I have to put up with as my teeth are fine its another side effect.

I came home not being able to smile outwardly but on the inside I am doing a dance. I am grateful for the opportunity I am grateful for the side effects getting easier I am grateful for the chance to be well and live a long healthy life.

Fridays I will celebrate. They will no longer be a thorn in my side. They will be a celebration of nearing the end. So no more self wallowing (for now, no promises Hehe) Only positive thoughts and actions.

Peace and Health to all xxx

Edit- Note to self, when feeling unwell on injection day, follow directions don't think you remember. You cant rely on your memory. Don't try a new injection site. Do push air out of needle before starting to inject into new site. If you do remember pull out push air out and then don't re-inject in the same new spot.

Screwing the whole positive start to Fridays keep smiling and write a note, not to do the same thing next week.