Well I seem to be running around in circles not knowing what to do first.
I so want to visit and reconnect but its 10 pm and and I am smashed this is the first time I have sat all day. The good news is I have lost 12kgs in the last 6 weeks and so I may even look OK in that elusive wedding dress in a months time lol
I still haven't found the dress I really thought that would be easy but because I am loosing weight and because I am so busy trying to do everything else I have sort of been putting it off.
I have to decide in the next few days or I will be wearing jeans and thongs lol
The girls are done Ben is done the venue set invites out hairdresser booked photographer and video. But the Bride has not yet found her dress. Its funny because when I am asked about it people are appalled that this hasn't been done yet and quite frankly I am now getting a little scared also.
The thing is, between trying still to organise the money for my mums house, impact statements for the police organising Danas move to a new place kids and school work and all the bla blah of everyday shit I haven't really had time to scratch my bum let alone choose a dress.
We have one car between 3 of us at the moment every piece of machinery at our place 3 cars bobcat and truck have all died in the last month and we are barely scraping by until the loan comes through and everything is "just" being paid all though each bill is well and truly behind I am working our budget like a pro.
Now I know everyone does it tough but I am only one person and I am struggling to do everything, I am feeling flustered and stressed but in the same breath I know everything will be okay Ben is alive I am cured and life goes on.
I still wake in the middle of the night and feel for him beside and thank God every hour of every day that I am not alone and we are a family blessed with all that we need.

My only mission over the next few days is to find a dress that will be worn on the day of my marriage to a man whom without, my life would not be complete.
I am going to try and post every couple of days even if its only short as I am only 4 weeks away and counting.

So guys, wish me luck !!!!!!!!!

I always seem to find the words when I am away from the computer, as soon as I sit to spill my guts something stops me an almost invisible block of my thoughts.

Life has been strained to say the least, the fact that I am struggling these days seem so meaningless in the big scheme of things.

My Ben is alive my family is Healthy I am cured and there is food on my table, I feel guilty for not being completely and utterly grateful for the blessings in my life.

Maybe I should re-phrase ..... I am grateful, but I am perturbed, I do feel blessed, but with an overwhelming feeling of despair.

The words, the words I need so desperately just wont flow and yet I feel an unrelenting need for release but I just cant find those damn words. Where the hell are they?

They seem to be lost in a pit of murky water, just as the water begins to clear and the sediment settles another thing just stirs the mud to the surface and I have to start all over again.

So a very wise and wonderful woman said to me start off small with just one thought and push publish, so that's what I am doing writing this thought and then pushing PUBLISH........