Good Memories...........

Well whether I like it or not its officially xmas in our house, the girls couldn't wait until Sunday and they have the tree up and lights flickering. I must admit I'm loving it. I remember when I was little my Dad and I always did the xmas decorations. Inside our house was covered in tinsel from corner to corner hanging from the ceiling stars and decorations swaying in the breeze giving the ultimate feelings of a joyous time to come. Its funny I have only just now remembered that (good memories)
Our xmas's were always huge with a lot of friends and family gathering and enjoying the fun. My mum still finds it strange that I can remember my second xmas ever I was only 1 1/2 and I described everything from who was there to what I received. We lived with my Nana then, actually up until I was 4, leaving her and moving away was extremely difficult for me as we were so very very close and I can still remember how I I hid from them in the hope that they would go and leave me behind. I did what any normal kid who didn't want to leave would do. I climbed up and on to the roof of her house. I wasn't leaving my Nanny come hell or high water. You could imagine the fear and devastation going through their minds as they looked and called but couldn't find me any where I was a wanderer and enjoyed exploring the world around me. (I still don't know how I got up there) but I do remember the police and then the fireman getting me down(eventually) Woops I was in trouble. I know how awful that must of been for them (now). I was like a monkey as a kid I climbed everything fences trees in and out windows what ever or where ever. I loved the feeling of being so high and looking at the world through the eyes of the birds that I admired so much. It got me into trouble a few times.
I wanted to fly so badly, just as I did in my dreams and was sure that if i tried and concentrated really hard I could do it (I thought I could anything and I had no fear)
I had a little friend his name was Jason he lived behind my nans and was the last and only boy of 11 girls so as you could imagine, the apple of their eye. I was always wandering off visiting the neighbours stealing kittens and puppies and hiding under the church with them. I was a little naughty now that I think about it. Any way I told Jase I could fly and if he held my hand he would be able to fly as well. SOoooooooo we climbed to the top of the slippery slide and 1-2-3 jumped obviously falling face first into the ground, that was my first ambulance ride (his to)
And the last time he was allowed to come and play with me for a long time.
I had a broken leg and he had a broken arm. I still remember my cast and my poor mum carrying me everywhere (until I got used to it anyway)
She thought that she could at least relax for a little while she thought it would stop me from climbing and wandering off at least for a little while. Well needless to say she was wrong. I was an adventurer and a silly cast wasn't going to stop me from having fun. We had a huge mulberry tree in the backyard and the very top was always my favourite spot, it was a huge effort but I made it and I was happy eating and becoming very purple with all the mulberries (the best were at the top) the only problem was my cast got caught in a fork of the branches and my poor nan was the only one home, hence I have a real thing for firemen (giggle)
I still love being high, top floors, roofs and trees, I don't actually climb very much anymore for obvious reasons but I do love heights and the different perspective you have looking down on the world beneath.
This xmas is the first xmas in many many years that my mum my children and I will all be together at xmas and I am so excited.
Forgiveness is the gift I have given myself this year.
Because of this my mum and I will enjoy many more good times together reminiscing about the good times and feeling blessed that we have made it through and put the past were it belongs. My heart doesn't have the energy to hate and hurt anymore.
Bens parents and little sis will be the final icing on the cake as I love them so much they are a huge blessing in my life. I have spoken of them before My Aldente' Pastors amazingly beautiful and soulful people.

So it may be early but Merry Merry Christmas
Health and Peace x

Fingers Crossed

Specialist Day today, Good news and Bad news.

GOOD NEWS:
I have in 2 weeks got normal liver function tests for the first time in 10 years so the treatment is already working Im so excited......Yay

BAD NEWS:
My white cell count has gone from 2500 which is good to 800 which isn't so good. If it goes to 600 I'm in real trouble (check again 2weeks) Fingers Crossed .............BUT

I'm working on the good news its really encouraging to actually have a test to say I have a normal liver function just like everyone else....... YEHAHH
I'm actually feeling not to bad at the moment still have headaches and vomiting but other than those minor irritants I'm good.

I'm looking forward to the kids breaking up from school in the next couple of weeks and getting organised for xmas.
Ayesha starts High School next year so her new and exciting journey as a young adult will start and she will be going through a lot of new experiences. She will have Tayla at the same school as a support system which I'm grateful for. She is a little shyer than La and so they will be helping each other out a lot (I hope)..............Giggle

Ben is one step closer to getting his apprenticeship after a meeting today so we are hoping he will start early next year sometime. It will be a struggle financially but no worse than it is now HOPEFULLY.
I am hoping to do some courses in the New Year but i'm not pushing my luck on that note just yet. The drugs I'm on make me a little confused and forgetful(not that I wasn't before giggle) so 1 step at a time. I'm just feeling a little unproductive. My last day of work was a year ago on the 9th of December (geez that goes quickly) so I really need to do something , if its not study then some sort of project anyway. Tayla and I spent the weekend along with Ben doing an assignment for school. I really hope she (we,smile) do well. It was a round the world trip with at least 5 stops and no budget,...................................How dreamy would that be. If I had unlimited funds!!!!!!
I know for sure that I would visit each and everyone of you take you to your favourite spot and enjoy getting to know you all on a more personal level. You all really have been such a blessing.
I try to always leave a comment now where or who ever I visit because I know how uplifting it can be to get a little encouragement and good wishes.
So on that note THANKYOU ALL for being with me on a daily basis or at least a regular visit, I really appreciate it. ( more than I can express)

Peace and Health To YOU All................. xoxox

Monday Magic

Monday, well what can I say. We need a little Magic. I will work with a Peaceful and joyous Xmas though, and continue being grateful for whats beautiful in our lives.
But I never thought we would be in this position as if things aren't hard enough. A year ago we bought a business thinking that we would have more of a chance to make similar money per year with the business instead of both of us working full time, it was getting a lot harder for me to be productive in my job as I was feeling really drained. We dont want millions but just to be stress free financiallyjust to be able to pay the bills when they arrive ( big ask I know) We thought I could have treatment and Ben run the business and he'd be around when I needed him. We sold our house and paid cash for the business we thought that buying it off a friend of 25years (I know don't say it) at least we would have a head start. Well I'm sure you can see where this is going........ it hasn't gone to plan and we are struggling. Its a real kick in the guts to be lied to by people you thought you could trust but we have learnt a lesson and I can live with that.

Christmas will be quiet but full of love and laughs good food and family, I am so grateful for that.

Ben has decided to start from scratch with my support (of course) he is at the moment trying to get a plumbing apprenticeship instead of 4 years he may have the opportunity to finish in 2 which is great. They say you cant live on love alone but if anyone can we can. I truly believe this. We will start again and look forward to the future, it is exciting. I will be well again at the end of next year and I have to believe this. So then, after treatment Il be back on track and then I can be productive again and contribute to our family financially. I'm so proud of Ben and his decision to have a go hes had some experience but its hard to admit failure and pick yourself up and start again especially with the responsibility he feels of taking care of us. Anyway I'm happy we've made a decision and we seem to be happy with it so far. I hope all is well with everyone and I am okay not great but good. I have lost 4 kgs in the last week which is an upside. I put on 30 kgs in the last 2 years so if nothing else comes of this at least I will loose the weight I have put on. So that's my Monday magic, peace direction and LOVE what could be more Magical than that.

Health and peace to all x

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American Friends. I really do have a lot to be thankful for but I just don't have the energy to put it into print, SOooooooo I hope everyone is having or had a fabulous day with friends and family. I was thinking of you all and all the beautiful food I'm sure you devoured. I would love to hear about it as the eating of food isn't high on my agenda at the moment(blahh) But I can still appreciate it. (in my mind, not my belly)

Health and Peace to all
xox

"Past_Present_Future"

I have had a lot of time to think lately not necessarily more than usual but time while I'm wincing with pain or holding up my head over a bowl (smile).
My past has put me in my present and both of these combined have put me on a path to my future.
Mistakes and misfortune, not necessarily by my own hand has put me here. Here is where I'm supposed to be, my journey getting here, well, to be honest not the easiest. I believe it could of been worse and that kept me going to a point, looking at the brighter side helped. BUT> Early loss of stability and love. Early loss and Intervention of childhood innocence. Having responsibility over my own future as an adult while I was still a child has put me here.
Working at night, going to high school during the day, looking after myself and paying my own bills at the tender age of 14 were hard. I looked like an adult, I acted like an adult but I wasn't an adult.
I was a little girl in a big girls world. My world became one of deception and secrets. I became eluded to the fact that I was a child, my only reminder was a school uniform in the closet. I was alone, living two very different lives.
One as a school kid with homework study and sport, the other a working adult with rent and long hours serving drunks. Two sets of friends, kids my own age with no knowledge of the fact that I worked in the city and that's why I wasn't hanging out at the shops after school and then on the flipside, people I worked with who had no idea that I went to school during the week and was only 14 years old. It was difficult but to be honest I kinda got a kick out of the fact that I was able to keep up the charade for so long but that was a fantasy. I was able to get good grades and do very well at my job not having either one interfere nor cross paths with the other. (for a while anyway)
I did what I had to do. I was fiercely independent and very strong willed I never asked for help, I never got to close and I hid my secrets along with my pain . I was on the surface a happy smiling teenager who was always trying to stay one step ahead of everyone including herself who lied constantly, mainly to herself. I told myself I was okay, that I could handle it no one could ever hurt me again because I was in control of me and my life. People only knew what I told them which wasn't much. How wrong I was. It all finally came to a head when one night 2 older brothers of friends of mine from school walked into the bar. I was finally caught, found out, my world went into a spin.
I seen things and I did things to survive in a world that could of easily broken my spirit at one point it did and by the grace of God I survived. On the other hand I am not a person who gives up or who accepts that just because bad things happen to you, it gives you an out or an excuse you might say, not to be the very best person that you can be.
So I packed my bags, I left and I hitch hiked to the furtherest town at the tip of Australia accessible by road, Cooktown, I was 16 years old. It is there I met my husband moved to cairns and had 4 of the most amazing children whom I vowed and declared would never ever go through or suffer the injustices as I did as a child.
So I was new again and I left that scared child behind and started again. I lived my life and raised my children without ever really revealing my pain or my secrets. I began all over again with the act of being in control and independent I didn't want to use my past as an excuse for failure and I never have. I didn't want to be categorized as the woman who had appalling things happen to her as a child. I considered myself a survivor but no one else needed to know that. I was more about being the perfect mother an friend running myself into the ground to the point of a breakdown to be everything for everyone while inside I was dying and crying for not being true to myself as I was so ashamed.

I liked here then but where would I of been had my childhood been "normal". I pondered this question a lot before, but I couldn't think about it as no one really knew that I didn't have a happy childhood from the age of 12 my pain wasn't shared it was hidden. Then I finally needed to be me the real me and I couldn't do that living a lie............ SOooooo.............
My children were products of divorce after 15 years and that's a normal I wish I could of spared them but 6 1/2 years on they are much better off for it. as are my ex and I.

Here is different here is honest with a man who I have shared my secrets the ones that I didn't want to accept, those I pushed aside, the ones that sometimes come back in the middle of the night, the ones that make me break out in a sweat with a fear that is as real today as it was so many years ago I lied about those nightmares before I was with Ben and said I didn't know why I had them. I lied, because I was scared. Ben made me feel safe and I did not feel judged, insecure or vulnerable about who I was or my purpose here.
He alone knows these things and my trust in him is undeniable. He is the first person that I let my guard down with. The very first to know the whole truth not just the selected bits. I had always kept all of the painful stuff tucked away as, but Ben was different he pushed out of love, to know and he is the first person I believed that would truly love me and embrace my past as a part of me. I refused to give myself as a whole person before, I lived with my pain and shame alone. I was who I wanted to be without the pain of my past and being someone else was a difficult charade to keep up for over 20 years.
Gladly I don't have to do that now. I am who I am because of my past and its not me who has to bear the burden of shame I was the victim not the perpetrator. A lesson well learned thanks to Ben. I live openly honestly and guilt free, free of secrets, free of fear just free in a relationship of complete love trust and honesty. I thank him for my place here and I love here. I don't need to know where I would have been, because I know where I belong and my future is bright, full of love hope and trust. I started writing this as a release for me and only me but secrets of my past are a huge part of me in my present there is no need for the vile details of all the bits. ...............BECAUSE
I'm Proud of who I am and I embrace my past as a lesson learnt on how to love and look forward to my future one step at a time. I am not ashamed to share, which is a huge step for me.
This will make me think less and dream better, letting go and sharing myself in this small (but long, Sorry) way helps.

So this is me.............Past Present Future

My Spot

I thought I would share my favourite camping spot with you as today this is what I thought about as I was curled up, not having the best of days. So I thought about a place that I love and this is it. Double Is Point we camp right on the beach and it is literally a stones throw to the water. Its only about 40 mins from my home and as you can see beautiful. I hope everyone is well and Happy and I would love to hear about one of your favourite spots........






We always get up early usually to catch fish for lunch and if your lucky watch the dolphins swimming through the waves.


I took these photos the last time we were there which was only a few months ago. Dreaming of better times helps me focus on what I have to look forward to when this is all over.

BORED

BORED........This word.......I often hear it, rarely use it or feel it for me there isn't a real use for it.

I've been contemplting this word for awhile now.............
What is it that makes us feel we have to have some sort of constant happening in our lives minute to minute and on a daily basis. What is it that we have lost in our own conscious being that we believe that this a valid feeling. Is it that we cant be doing nothing, alone or in company that makes us content. Even listening to a lecture or an advertisement It doesn't bore me I may not necessarily enjoy it but instead of saying I'm bored I tend say OK I listened or watched but I didn't like it, but that's something I learnt, so to me learning something new about yourself or what you watched or listened to gives you reference not to do that again If of course you didn't like it, I would of thought that was a good thing.
Kids..... mine are guilty of it on occasion but I try to make them look at it from a different perspective. "Mum I'm Bored" okay why would you use that word? Why wouldn't you say I cant or wont find something to occupy my time or I'm to lazy to do anything so can u find something for me to do.
There are million different ways to look at it.
Sitting on the side of the road when your cars broken down waiting for RACQ to come and fix it most would say was boring.
I would say time to myself to think of what I'm going to have to do now my cars screwed, not pleasant but it has to be done. Or wow 30 mins to myself just me no ? no interruptions peace and quiet.
I think people fall into the trap of being bored when they shut off their minds to the millions of possibilities. Looking on the optimistic side of things help. Finding the good in all situations that are thrown in your direction helps. Also being comfortable in you own space when your alone.And learning to enjoy the simple pleasures in life will have you amazed at how un-bored we all can be.
I made both my girls sit outside today for 10 mins on a chair looking into the yard and told them not talk to each other just look. First thing out of Taylas mouth was why how boring!! Ayesha the little sweet just did it.
I called them in after 10 mins and said SO.. What did you do? Ish said she watched 2 butcher birds chase a parrot and then she seen a couple of other birds that she had never seen before eating at the grass, she played with a stick and checked out the clouds and made shapes in them.
Kool, were you bored? No but why did we do it? I was just seeing if you'd be bored.
Tayla what about you? I made up a song about how bored I was and its really cool do u want to hear it. That made me laugh. So do you like your song? she said yes. So La? how was that boring if you made up a song that is kool how is that boring. It wasn't but I thought I was so I made up the song.
A common misconception and an easy out is how I feel about this word and I think I kinda proved a point to my girls as well.
So the next time your bored be optimistic and use your imagination this life is what you make it and all situations serve a purpose in some way shape or form.
Learn to enjoy your own space and Time if you are lucky enough to get it.
Or maybe really do the old cliche of stop and smell the flowers just because there there and they are beautiful.
Bless yourself with enjoying these every moment no matter how insignificant it seems life is precious and joyous and it is sometimes tough, painful and overwhelming but none the less a Blessing.

Health and Peace
P.S I Hope I didn't Bore You (giggle)

Sushi

Patience and Perseverance has helped me raise Independent and Self Sufficient children.
I ventured out today with my babes we picked up Prawns to pop in the freezer for Christmas and headed for the markets for a morning of joy and window shopping. 10 mins into the markets I wasn't feeling very well so we headed home.(my girls were very understanding) When we got home they proceeded to jump into the pool to cool off as Ben wrapped me into a cocoon in a tracksuit with two huge blankets on me. I just couldn't get warm the chills are a bit overwhelming in the middle of a hot Summers day but I was okay about 3 hours later.
I hadn't eaten all day and I had a craving for sushi so my multi talented sweet girls started to work in the kitchen. They made me beautiful salmon, chicken and tuna sushi rolls enough for Ben and I and some for their lunch.
They have been very understanding and are doing really well under the circumstances.
So far so good with me I am copeing well with the treatment and I Know that I will get through this maybe not always smiling but I will be at the other end.
I so Love the support I have been shown, this community of blogging is an extremely generous and caring group of people. Thankyou.

Health and Peace to all

Thankful For

This picture I have taken represents my surreal feeling of being animated myself its as if the next 48 weeks will be shaded with light and with darkness not really knowing how the end result or following pictures will turn out like, some days could be a little dark, then others maybe full of light. Right now the candle is burning bright and I'm thankful for that. Contemplating the Journey Ahead I have concluded. I can - I will - I must stay Bright


Well I am extremely overwhelmed at everyone taking the time to comment on my last post it was written from my Heart.
I am very grateful for the Prayers and Blessings I received from you all.
I started my treatment yesterday and it was daunting to say the least.
I had extreme spasms, shakes, chills, vomiting, pain, headaches and nosebleeds.
I am still here and I managed to stay calm and focused at the light at the end of the tunnel with a smile on my face.
These side affects will tend to get easier as treatment continues (I HOPE) there are different side affects that may challenge me on this trip but I will cross that bridge when or if I have to.

I am pushing the side affects aside in my mind as much as possible. This is a challenge I will embrace and endure. I am looking at these side affects as a means to an end and I am picturing myself in a much Healthier place.
I believe that sacrifice and hard work comes with most things that are worthwhile and I have to believe that this will work and I will be Healthy again.
It will be a long haul but I look at my 2 gorgeous girls at home and listen to the loving words on the phone of my 2 older kids who live and work away and I couldn't possibly not be thankful.
Benjamin is my knight in shining armour he was distressed at feeling helpless but as I said all I need is for him to be there (and true to form he was) He held and comforted me through the worst feelings I have ever had all at once.
Feeling loved when you are so vulnerable is the most precious gift of all. I cant ask for more than that.
Having strangers take TIME(which is all so valuable) to tell you they are sending positive thoughts and prayers is such a blessing and has really made me feel so much better and I know I'm repeating myself but I am really just so grateful for the comments that have been left for me.
I have always been in Love with giving gifts but I also learnt a long time ago that the best gift you can give someone is Love and Time. Knowing your loved and cared about is what all people need and can never have enough of. I strive to do that especially knowing I have made someone else feel good always makes me feel better. This time I am on the receiving end of so many e.mails calls text messages and comments. They have seen me through the darkest of the last 24 hours.
1 Day down and feeling good still smiling still thankful
So I hope everyone enjoys their weekend.

Good Health and Peace to all. xx

"Confident"

The Definition of confident:adjective;
1. If you are confident about something you are sure it will happen the way you want it to.
2. People who are confident are sure of their own abilities or qualities.

This is how I feel today. I'm happy content and confident that I will keep smiling.
My nickname as a kid was Sunshine and it stuck as I grew up, my friends still laugh at the fact that when I hurt myself I crack up laughing I always find the funny side to things What can you do? cry? I don't think so. I use this blog as a journal and I have certainly had my moments but they are short lived feelings that I need to release.
Physical pain rarely makes me cry, emotional pain though is my downfall.
I, at this point of time am emotionally overwhelmed with joy.
I have my regular mates dear long term souls that fill me with joy.
I have my family that is always my stability.
And then I have my new found friends one that I met through tragedy and heartache, she is an amazing woman with a gracious and extremely generous nature, I have found her to be a solid rock of positive expression and love. I have always said that "I LOVE YOU" is the most overused 3 words in the English language, you can say it but if who your saying it to doesn't feel it! then there wasted words. I choose very carefully who I say these words to as I think its a huge responsibility loving someone and its not a commitment to be entered into lightly.
With those words comes responsibility and I take that responsibility seriously.
The new found friend I refer to is a gorgeous gal called Bek. I so appreciate and adore this woman I haven't actually brought a new person into my life for a long time but she is special.
I love her!!! Even when shes down she turns things around to make you feel better I know this to be a rare and endearing quality. She reminded me that we would never hurt someone else with negative comments so why do it to yourself.
In saying that she introduced me to another person on the other side of the world that I have never met whom I also love she is such a special lady who faces adversity each and every day but still takes the time to make sure that I feel not so alone through her words of encouragement and strength. ( Thankyou "D" )

How Blessed I am to have found two wonderful women in one year. I believe that people come to you when you need them and this has renewed my faith in myself.
"To explain" I feel I couldn't possibly have these two women care if I wasn't worth it. I now measure my thoughts on myself by the friends and amazing people in my life.
Its a lesson for all of us to measure our self worth on the beautiful people who love us unconditionally. Consider yourself as you would your best friend, listen to your heart not your head you know if you are of true intentions. You know that the advice you give to your nearest and dearest is said from love, take your own advice and believe in yourself. You can't expect to be loved and respected if you don't love and respect yourself.

I do today
Im happy
Im Blessed
Im ready to face my fears

Bek my sweet soul sister I truly do love you and I so appreciate who you are as a person you are my Absolute Blessing I know that you will always remind me of what true hearts mean.
Me, there for you and You, there for me.
Darlene what can I say to my almost parallel self we have amazingly been on similar paths and your positive outlook gives me strength your words are such a comfort to me. I'm so glad that your with me in Spirit it means a lot to have that "knowing"support.

SO ..................................... "I AM CONFIDENT"

Intrepid Explorer

These Boots are worn but ready, they may not be comfortable but Il embrace this Journey blisters and all.
That's how I feel.
I am on a journey of discovery.
A journey that will go from the inner depths of my spiritual strength.
To the outer perimeter of my faith.
I will prevail in Faith, I will find my inner strength, I will survive the journey.
At the moment there are no ifs no buts just the winding unknown road ahead.
I feel like I'm exploring this road with a blind fold and no map of whats around the next corner.
I am a willing participant though, a faithful servant to the duty of my health and my family.


One more day will mark the beginning of what is in front of me.

I look at my children with hope.
I hope they don't get to scared.
I hope they understand.
I hope they stay positive.
I hope they know how much I adore them.
How I would do anything to make this easier on them.
They don't have a choice in this time of turmoil.
They are just passengers on this journey whether they like it or not.
Things aren't always fair. (they know that)
Things aren't always right in the world. (they know this to)
I hope I have given them the tools to accept and overcome adversity
To be positive in what ever they undertake.
Or whatever is thrown their way.
To embrace life no matter how hard it may seem at the time.
You cant ask for more then to learn from each adventure. (even if you don't conquer it)
I will learn from this and so will they.

55% Chance

TWO more Sleeps and My new journey begins !!!!!!!!!!!!

Toughness
Readiness
Excitement
Atainable
Truth
Momentum
Energy
New
Time

I start my treatment Friday. Will this be a cure? I have a 55% chance that it will be. I refuse to give in even if the treatment isn't a success. I intend to live and live a long productive life with my amazing family with this disease or not.
I am entering into the next 48 weeks with determination of beating this demon that has inflicted me. Chronic and incurable is what they told me 10 years ago research and time has given me a chance (more than 50%) and I'm going for it . It will be a long intense and draining time on my family. I want to tell them now how much I love them and appreciate their help and support.
Benjamin my sweet sweet babe my soulful love. I know this will be hardest on you and I'm so sorry for what is to come. You say you knew what you were getting yourself into but no one knows what were up against nor how bad the side affects will be. I'm just so blessed to know your here with me and for me and no matter what my children are lucky to have your support as am I.
So I started this post thinking I would say profound things and I would feel so good about the whole thing but instead I'm lost for words and to be honest I am scared (there I said it ) I am scared I don't have reservations about doing this but I am worried about how much I wont be able to do or with my closest, its a long time and "D" day of knowing whether it has a chance or not is at the 12 week mark, so I will continue to take one day at a time, stay positive and continue to pray and believe that this will work.

Prayers Blessings and good Health to all xox

Birthday Success

Ayeshas Party was a huge success they had a ball and all went very smoothly. We had egg and spoon races, Doughnut race, chocolate, Swimming, Dancing and all the laughs in between. They were a great group of kids and Dana, Ky and nic were a godsend. My babes are growing up so quickly so i'm trying to cherish and savour every moment!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caitlin is Ayeshas best friend from Brisbane she is an absolute Sweetie we all adore her.

Opening presents with a Witch, Fairy, Fred Flinstone and our Clown

From left to right Sarah, Ish, Maddy, Ruby and Catie.

Doughnut Race there still eating!!!!!!

I LOVE this photo of Ish the look of surprise and gratitude was their with every present. She never has expectations and appreciates everything I admire and LOve that in her.

.

Ayesha's Birthday

This is my youngest Babe.

Last year on her B'day.

Dreadfully sick with asthma.

But joining in on her night games with her friends stopping to catch her breath.

This Year we have breezed through Winter NO asthma No real sickness to speak of. (BLESSED)

I am up early as I am getting ready for the all girls weekend with her friends. Hang ON (did I say all weekend) WooPs

What have I done? (giggle)

Luckily!!!!!!!! Danicka, Kyle and his sweet Nicole are coming to help, Ben has his yearly Guy thing at the races and it conveniently (or not) fell on this weekend. He will be home tomorrow on her actual B'day so she forgives him. Kyle will be the the only boy here he will be surrounded by giggling girls (as if 3 sisters wasn't enough) SUCKER is what I said SWEETNESS is what I thought, hes here for me and his sister, I love that. Danicka had a bit of a scare (health) with me last weekend so she's also up to to keep an eye on me (love her) So anyway IL let you know if I survive this weekend next week (lol)

Ayesha has made great Friends since we have moved but also still keeps friends from Brisbane that she rings and chats to weekly. One of them is with us and I cant wait until the rest of the girls arrive . They are all dressing up and it will be a blast. Yehah

Cant wait to give her Prezzies Ben and I chose (So excited) Its easy to get overwhelmed by Ish as she is such a grateful bear Im so proud of the young lady that shes growing into. (Such a JOY)

LET THE GAMES BEGIN .....................................

PEACE

My body fights the retreat of Slumber
Although every inch of my physical self is overwhelmed with fatigue
My mind wanders aimlessly searching for positive solitude to rest its weary head
As I lay praying for darkness to over come this particular moment
My mind darts from thought to thought in desperation for peace
The aches and pain isn't to be pinpointed as I seem to be drowning in it all
My body not my own
My mind wants to take total control but physically its impossible
My head resting in my hands searching for those elusive pressure points
My mind believes this will give relief
My shoulders have another idea
Unwilling to bear the burden weighing upon them
Not feeling they can go on they collapse
Just as my strength has
My eyes leak with the frustration of it all, but I smile
My mind thinking I have truly lost it this time, which broadens my smile even further
My body says its had enough
It cant take anymore, my mind tries to agree
Just as all hope seems lost
My Heart sends a message to my brain it has visuals of all that I love
Ben's big beautiful green eyes and bright sincere smile
My babies love envelops me with love and feelings of peace
That all is good in my spirit
I'm going with my Heart of Hearts
Its the strength that I will continue to work with
The visuals of all that I love in my life will help me live
They help me push beyond my mind and physical when they try to give up
Faith in the Holy Spirit who would never let me go with out a fight
My soul is closer to my Heart than my mind
My spirit is closer to my Heart than my physical
And the Holy Spirit encompasses me as a whole and I will push through this
Acceptance that it hasn't gone to plan
Living to fight another day
Proves I wont give up and I refuse to fail
I will day by day push the limits of myself
Constantly for the greater good
With all that I am and all that I want to be

"Future" Is my word for today
Brightness will find my spirit as I live in Faith of all that I am
That is all I have and I will embrace it as my own
Fighting the darkest desires of giving up
It seems that's all I need
Exhausted in my own battle of the wills within me have left me closer to slumber
Slumber I so desperately seek, alone weary but aware there is a plan
I plan to prevail to be all that I can and more
Goals are not lost in my mourning of time
But embraced at seeing the light at the end of the tunnel
No matter how far away or how dim that light may seem
I Believe I will reach the end and absorb that gift of light waiting for me
To face another day much like the last
But closer to the light and closer to my goal

Peace And Health To All x

My Garden

I woke up this morning to the sound of a local pheasant

Its a soothing sound and a beautiful wild bird that frequents my garden.

I have many Gardenia bushes and the smell of their scent meanders through my home and freshens the darkest corners of this house.

Its an almost over powering smell of sweetness that reminds me of how beautiful nature is and how lucky I am to be surrounded by it.

I dragged my weary body out into the sunshine to take a few pics

as amateur as they are Ive been playing with the settings.

I liked them and thought Id share.

My mind is not at its best and my thoughts seem to jumble into a endless unnavigatable stream of words that don't look on paper as I imagined them before I started to type.

I'm sure I will have many days of non compus mentus and I hope you will bear with me through this I may not write every day but I will try whether its legible or not we will see ( giggle)

I picked these from one bush leaving many more for the birds to enjoy they are now on my hall stand looking and smelling Beautiful.

The simple things in my life seem so much more meaningful.

I will get up every day and find that Beautiful thing and treasure it.

I will make sure I teach my children to enjoy these simple things to honour and bless themselves for it.

Money cant buy your health and Money cant buy your way of thinking or the enjoyment you can find just outside your door.

My Support

My Family, My Love, My Life this is all tied up in these 5 people with me.
They love me and they ponder to my need of having them all together before I start treatment.
We were all together at my In-Laws, an Amazing supportive extension of what comes first to me in my life. I haven't been well all week but still pushed out a smile for the click of the camera.
It wasn't forced or fake just difficult to let it come to an end. We will all be together again at Christmas and hopefully I will be through the worst of things by then.
The 17th of November is "THE DAY"
Its the first Day of the rest of My Life a Journey that I will embrace with all that I am.
I will get through of all of it so that I can be there for these beautiful souls long into old age.
I believe in quality of Life and that is why I am doing this for myself and for them.
I really haven't anything profound to add right now, I'm just happy to have them and my computer (smile) I will catch up on every ones posts soon and I hope you are all well.